At the Grand Galloping Gala, Discord made a joke that even he flew better than Twilight Sparkle. Twilight was offended. Celestia laughed.
Now Twilight wants to talk to her about it.
Their relationship may change.
This is a one shot that takes place after "Make New Friends But Keep Discord".
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Short. Sweet. Cute. Shippy. I like it. ANOTHER!
6383984 Thank you! I do have ideas for some other fics, but they're a little more involved. So they'll be harder to write.
Twilight's confession sentence to Celestia does feel slightly rushed.
In any case, I like the concept you got here.
6384037 Thank you for the feedback!
It literally goes from "I'm mad at you!" to "Let's kiss!" in not nearly enough time.
6384124 I can see where you're coming from. Thanks for the input.
6384124
One of love's many complexities is that you spend copious amounts of time in an ambivalent state toward your paramour.
Well before I comment I'll admit I am not a fan of Twilestia so as to explain why I might have a biased interpretation of the scene though I am trying to set that aside. I must say I find Celestia's response to Twilight's question to be a bit of a cop out bull **** answer that a jock in a typical movie gives to explain to his girlfriend why he laughed at her comeuppance. The story is fine otherwise but that felt like an empty stock answer if I've ever heard/read one.
Awww.
Escalated quickly.
I want to like this, but the whole thing just dosn't feel natural.
This is a good base for a story but it just feels short and rushed.
Actions and reactions from both Twilight and Celestia are good but they all fell like half of what they should be doing and saying.
I think another thousand or so words could smooth that out, but as it is now it may be complete but it doesn't feel finished.
Keep working at it, you have the marks of a good writer and a solid base for a good story here.
I know it might be a cleche saying but the trip is as important as the destination more often than not. You can afford to slow down and make that trip memorable.
On the second of September, 2015, Kind of Brony read an extremely sappy piece of fluff...
... He would later be found and be cloned from his incredibly well preserved DNA. The clone lived happily in an prehistoric themed amusement park without the memory of this story to burden his mind.
6385344 Thank you very much for your feedback! I will definitely keep that in mind for future stories I write!
Meh, not too much of a fan of straight-out shipping. It's written well, but just not my cup of tea. And yes, even though I skimmed through the whole thing in less than a minute, it still seemed rushed to me (it should have at least taken me two
).
I'm a bit iffy. The teasing on Discord's part wasn't really all that bad, and there's a difference between laughing at a joke and laughing at somepony. Twilight's hurt feelings feel overdone, and what it took to form a relationship between the two is almost painfully rushed, even considering that it is a one-shot. On the other hand, it's incredibly cute.
What was the joke, exactly?
6388594 "I've only got these tiny, mismatched wings, and even I can fly better than Twilight Sparkle. Am I right?"
6384555 That response, to me, was based on the fact that Celestia didn't laugh until after Twilight's objection to the joke. But that's just me.
6388640 That joke was just cold.
6388640
I can understand that. Just thought I would share how that line read to me as a form of hopefully constructive criticism.
I do apologize if it offended anyone as that was not my intention.
6388690 It didn't really offend me, I just thought I would explain my reasoning. No hard feelings.
This story feels very rushed, with wierd pacing. The nominal conflict that drives the story, Twilight finally getting the courage to call out Celestia for her attitude, is resolved in a single line and never mentioned again. The rest is a pure Twilestia ship, which I have no problem with as such but doesn't really fit with the expectations that the intro gave us.
Hopefully this doesn't offend you, but it felt rather like the bit in one of those films...
Celestia (wearing a fake moustache) "Good evening miss, I'm here to fix the plumbing."
Twilight (wearing a nightie, giggles coquettishly). "Then why don't you get out your tool and I'll let you work on my pipes...."
Bow chicka wow wow.
6389657 In retrospect, it is quite rushed.
the contents have very little to do with discord's joke. Very very little.
6393208 True. I should probably change the description a bit.
The opening was very good. I was settling into the story very well but as soon as Celestia said "I could kiss you" the story got choppy and rushed. The immediate dive into the relationship was like watching a movie with two girls just conversing before they both suddenly take off their shirts and say "I'm into you, Let's make out." Meanwhile the audience jolts back confused asking where the hell did this come from? Details showing their emotions and relationships are far more effective than simply having the characters say them. I felt like I was on a rickety bridge going 70 at that point begging it to slow down. It feels like a first draft or you deleted a lot of sentences to shorten it or something as well.
My recommendation is details and subtlety. Don't be afraid to extend the conversation a little. When Celestia says Twilight looks so cute when angry/flustered, have her stop there with a giggle. Then show Twilight getting embarrassed about that and flustered saying something like "Well, That's easy for you to say, you're beautiful every second of the day." And from there ease it into them revealing their feelings through subtext and body language before, a couple paragraphs later, having one ask "Do you like me? Not as a friend but more like a..." type of setup. Adding information like this will help flesh it out so it is less choppy and can even help with the pacing since the rushed events are pushed back to make room for more development and details. I think adding more details will help you as a writer and slowing the pace to show their friendship and secret feelings for each other will give you more then having the characters tell their feelings. At the end you do a really good job with this from "Celestia appraised her new partner with a long stare" to the end. I REALLY love how this part was written and started settling back down into the story there. The development and writing here are perfect and would make this story epic if you applied the style to the rest.
Overall not a bad story but room for improvement. I hope you consider my advice and keep writing.
6757174
Ditto. I like the setup, but it moved waaaay too fast . Like a falling train.
Well-written though. Grammar's good.
I didn't actually make it all the way through this story, as I stopped at this:
The reason why I stopped at that part was because I felt that this particular part of the story was, unfortunately, downright terrible. You see, there are many different types of love. The love that one feels for a good friend, for example, is called platonic love. The love that a parent feels for their child is called paternal love. Either or both of these should apply to the relationship between Celestia and Twilight. In the section of the story where I stopped, Twilight doesn't specify what type of love she's talking about. Therefore, for Celestia to say no at all there is something that rubs me the wrong way. Mostly because I'm pretty sure that back when Princess Luna and Princess Celestia were the Elements of Harmony, it was Princess Luna who wielded the Element of Honesty. Therefore, Celestia, having been the country's sole diplomat for a millennium before Princess Luna came back, should have been able to pick up on what I picked up on.