The Discussion
"Can you imagine how dull it would have been if I hadn't invited Discord?" Princess Celestia used her wing to push Princess Twilight Sparkle onto the dance floor. "Come on, the night is still young!" Celestia laughed.
As Twilight was being shoved along, she asked, "Princess Celestia, before we dance, do you mind if I have a word with you?"
"Of course, Twilight," Celestia said, "you can tell me anything."
"Could we speak in private?"
"If you desire. Perhaps my private garden? It should be unoccupied."
Twilight headed for the door that led to the royal gardens, with Celestia close on her heels. As they walked, Celestia made several attempts as small talk, but they were generally met with one word answers. She soon let the conversational attempts lapse into silence.
Once they reached the private garden, Celestia opened the gate, allowing Twilight to enter before her.
Upon reaching the center of the garden, Twilight turned to face Celestia and then took a deep breath before beginning the conversation. “It really hurt that you laughed when Discord insulted me tonight.”
“Oh, Twilight—” Celestia began.
“I almost expect him to have so little consideration for my feelings, but you?” Twilight gazed down at the floor. “I never thought you'd laugh at me.”
“Twilight, look at me.” Celestia lifted Twilight's head with a hoof until they made eye contact. “I wasn't laughing at his joke. I just thought your outburst was amusing. You're so cute when you're angry.”
“I... Uh... What?”
“And when you get flustered, you're so adorable, I could kiss you!”
Twilight's wings immediately snapped to full extension.
“Oh dear, did I say that out loud? Now everything's going to be awkward...” Celestia muttered.
Twilight Sparkle put on her best “come hither” face. “Only if you don't follow through with it.”
Celestia's wings suddenly sprung from her sides. She slowly stepped closer to Twilight, until their breaths were mingling. “Are you sure you want to do this, Twilight?”
“More sure than I've ever been about anything in my life.”
“This will totally change our relationship – there's no going back.”
“Oh, for the love of...” Twilight lunged forward, bringing their lips together.
After a few moments, Celestia pulled back from the kiss, giving a warm smile to Twilight.
"Wow. If I had known how good that would feel, I would have done it years ago!" Twilight exclaimed.
"Kissing me, or just in general?" Celestia asked with a sparkle in her eye.
"Um, both?" Twilight chuckled sheepishly. "I mean, by the time I was interested in doing anything like that, I knew you were the pony I wanted to do it with, Prin—"
Celestia stopped Twilight's speech with a hoof. "Only in public. I dare say you've earned the right to call me by my name rather than my title after what we just did, at least when we're alone together."
"Okay. Celestia. I love the feeling of calling you that."
"So you were saying you wanted me to be your first kiss, Twilight?"
“Definitely! I love you, Celestia. I have for years. In fact, my friends helped me realize it shortly after I arrived in Ponyville.”
Celestia leaned forward and hugged Twilight with one foreleg and both wings. “Thank you, Twilight. It has been a very long time since anyone has loved me as a mare.”
“You're welcome.” Twilight returned the hug with her wings, but soon pulled away. "Wait. You didn't say anything about how you felt about me." Tears began to well up in her eyes. "Does that mean you don't love me?"
"No, Twilight, at least, not yet," Celestia answered.
Twilight sighed, looking very distraught. Then she suddenly perked up. "Wait, did you say 'not yet'?"
"Yes, I did. While my feelings are not yet strong enough that I would qualify them as love, I care for you deeply, and you're certainly an attractive mare. If we go forward with a romantic relationship, I have no doubt that my feelings will soon blossom into love," Celestia reassured her.
"So does that mean you want to pursue a romantic relationship?"
"As long as you do, too, Twilight."
Twilight began jumping around in a circle while chanting, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" However, when she was in front of Celestia again, she stopped herself, gazed sheepishly at Celestia, and said, "Um, I mean, that would be wonderful, Celestia."
Celestia chuckled. "Twilight, you don't have to hide your exuberance for my sake. I think it's adorable." Then she leaned forward and captured Twilight's lips in another kiss, more passionate than their first.
After far too short a time to both of their minds, Celestia broke the kiss and moved her muzzle up to whisper into Twilight's ear. "I think we should get back to the Gala. They're probably wondering where we are." She followed her comment with a quick nibble to the tip of Twilight's ear.
Twilight flushed at the sensation before saying, "Yes, we should go back in," and beginning to walk away.
Celestia stopped her with an outstretched hoof. "Not yet, Twilight. Your cheeks are positively red. And you still look so kissably flustered."
"You're right." Twilight lifted a foreleg to her chest and gently pushed it outward while exhaling in order to calm herself. She then repeated the action several times. "Do I look presentable now?"
Celestia appraised her new partner with a long stare. "Yes, I think so. I doubt anyone would be able to tell you got a new girlfriend while in the garden with me."
Twilight beamed. "Girlfriend, huh? I like the sound of that. Will you dance with me when we get back into the Gala, Celestia?"
"Of course, Twilight. You only had to ask."
Walking side by side, they left the garden in comfortable silence, occasionally brushing up against one another gently as they went.
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Short. Sweet. Cute. Shippy. I like it. ANOTHER!
6383984 Thank you! I do have ideas for some other fics, but they're a little more involved. So they'll be harder to write.
Twilight's confession sentence to Celestia does feel slightly rushed.
In any case, I like the concept you got here.
6384037 Thank you for the feedback!
It literally goes from "I'm mad at you!" to "Let's kiss!" in not nearly enough time.
6384124 I can see where you're coming from. Thanks for the input.
6384124
One of love's many complexities is that you spend copious amounts of time in an ambivalent state toward your paramour.
Well before I comment I'll admit I am not a fan of Twilestia so as to explain why I might have a biased interpretation of the scene though I am trying to set that aside. I must say I find Celestia's response to Twilight's question to be a bit of a cop out bull **** answer that a jock in a typical movie gives to explain to his girlfriend why he laughed at her comeuppance. The story is fine otherwise but that felt like an empty stock answer if I've ever heard/read one.
Awww.
Escalated quickly.
I want to like this, but the whole thing just dosn't feel natural.
This is a good base for a story but it just feels short and rushed.
Actions and reactions from both Twilight and Celestia are good but they all fell like half of what they should be doing and saying.
I think another thousand or so words could smooth that out, but as it is now it may be complete but it doesn't feel finished.
Keep working at it, you have the marks of a good writer and a solid base for a good story here.
I know it might be a cleche saying but the trip is as important as the destination more often than not. You can afford to slow down and make that trip memorable.
On the second of September, 2015, Kind of Brony read an extremely sappy piece of fluff...
... He would later be found and be cloned from his incredibly well preserved DNA. The clone lived happily in an prehistoric themed amusement park without the memory of this story to burden his mind.
6385344 Thank you very much for your feedback! I will definitely keep that in mind for future stories I write!
Meh, not too much of a fan of straight-out shipping. It's written well, but just not my cup of tea. And yes, even though I skimmed through the whole thing in less than a minute, it still seemed rushed to me (it should have at least taken me two
).
I'm a bit iffy. The teasing on Discord's part wasn't really all that bad, and there's a difference between laughing at a joke and laughing at somepony. Twilight's hurt feelings feel overdone, and what it took to form a relationship between the two is almost painfully rushed, even considering that it is a one-shot. On the other hand, it's incredibly cute.
What was the joke, exactly?
6388594 "I've only got these tiny, mismatched wings, and even I can fly better than Twilight Sparkle. Am I right?"
6384555 That response, to me, was based on the fact that Celestia didn't laugh until after Twilight's objection to the joke. But that's just me.
6388640 That joke was just cold.
6388640
I can understand that. Just thought I would share how that line read to me as a form of hopefully constructive criticism.
I do apologize if it offended anyone as that was not my intention.
6388690 It didn't really offend me, I just thought I would explain my reasoning. No hard feelings.
This story feels very rushed, with wierd pacing. The nominal conflict that drives the story, Twilight finally getting the courage to call out Celestia for her attitude, is resolved in a single line and never mentioned again. The rest is a pure Twilestia ship, which I have no problem with as such but doesn't really fit with the expectations that the intro gave us.
Hopefully this doesn't offend you, but it felt rather like the bit in one of those films...
Celestia (wearing a fake moustache) "Good evening miss, I'm here to fix the plumbing."
Twilight (wearing a nightie, giggles coquettishly). "Then why don't you get out your tool and I'll let you work on my pipes...."
Bow chicka wow wow.
6389657 In retrospect, it is quite rushed.
the contents have very little to do with discord's joke. Very very little.
6393208 True. I should probably change the description a bit.
The opening was very good. I was settling into the story very well but as soon as Celestia said "I could kiss you" the story got choppy and rushed. The immediate dive into the relationship was like watching a movie with two girls just conversing before they both suddenly take off their shirts and say "I'm into you, Let's make out." Meanwhile the audience jolts back confused asking where the hell did this come from? Details showing their emotions and relationships are far more effective than simply having the characters say them. I felt like I was on a rickety bridge going 70 at that point begging it to slow down. It feels like a first draft or you deleted a lot of sentences to shorten it or something as well.
My recommendation is details and subtlety. Don't be afraid to extend the conversation a little. When Celestia says Twilight looks so cute when angry/flustered, have her stop there with a giggle. Then show Twilight getting embarrassed about that and flustered saying something like "Well, That's easy for you to say, you're beautiful every second of the day." And from there ease it into them revealing their feelings through subtext and body language before, a couple paragraphs later, having one ask "Do you like me? Not as a friend but more like a..." type of setup. Adding information like this will help flesh it out so it is less choppy and can even help with the pacing since the rushed events are pushed back to make room for more development and details. I think adding more details will help you as a writer and slowing the pace to show their friendship and secret feelings for each other will give you more then having the characters tell their feelings. At the end you do a really good job with this from "Celestia appraised her new partner with a long stare" to the end. I REALLY love how this part was written and started settling back down into the story there. The development and writing here are perfect and would make this story epic if you applied the style to the rest.
Overall not a bad story but room for improvement. I hope you consider my advice and keep writing.
6757174
Ditto. I like the setup, but it moved waaaay too fast . Like a falling train.
Well-written though. Grammar's good.
I didn't actually make it all the way through this story, as I stopped at this:
The reason why I stopped at that part was because I felt that this particular part of the story was, unfortunately, downright terrible. You see, there are many different types of love. The love that one feels for a good friend, for example, is called platonic love. The love that a parent feels for their child is called paternal love. Either or both of these should apply to the relationship between Celestia and Twilight. In the section of the story where I stopped, Twilight doesn't specify what type of love she's talking about. Therefore, for Celestia to say no at all there is something that rubs me the wrong way. Mostly because I'm pretty sure that back when Princess Luna and Princess Celestia were the Elements of Harmony, it was Princess Luna who wielded the Element of Honesty. Therefore, Celestia, having been the country's sole diplomat for a millennium before Princess Luna came back, should have been able to pick up on what I picked up on.