In the Moonlight

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Twilight has a crush on Rarity and some interesting and awkward situations arise as she tries to tell her.
A short Rarilight one-shot that I've had just sitting around for a year or so.

Cover art by johnjoseco on DeviantArt.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 18 )

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CelestAI

CelestAI #1 · Jun 14th, 2015 · 2 · ·

Favorited.

Hudibadudi

Hudibadudi #2 · Jun 14th, 2015 · · ·

6090170 Thanks for the fave!!

CelestAI

CelestAI #3 · Jun 14th, 2015 · 1 · ·

6090177 It was deserved. Well written story and touching.

Hudibadudi

Hudibadudi #4 · Jun 14th, 2015 · · ·

6090186 I'm glad you liked it.

Monochromatic

Monochromatic #5 · Jun 14th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Ah, this was very cute! Thank you for sharing it with us!

Hudibadudi

Hudibadudi #6 · Jun 14th, 2015 · · ·

6091118 Would you prefer that I change it?

Samey90

Samey90 #7 · Jun 14th, 2015 · · ·

6091118
What's more interesting, the very same picture was used as a cover of Rarity's Garden. Which is definitely not an E-rated story...

agentporpoise

agentporpoise #8 · Jun 14th, 2015 · 1 · ·

So this is one of the most enjoyable one offs I've seen in a good long while faved it.

Voidwalker

Voidwalker #9 · Jun 14th, 2015 · 2 · ·

I'm sitting here now, for, uh, I don't know... some minutes, I guess. Thinking about how to phrase my issues with this story. Technically, it was well-written. No major typos or anything like that. The story could use a lot of 'fleshing out' those individual scenes, though. Rather then stating 'yeah, everything's beautiful', be more descriptive. Show, don't tell, you know? That goes double for their inner conflicts, thoughts, emotions. I would've liked to see more about Twilights process, about her probably multiple trains of thoughts - same for Rarity, really. Maybe that could've prevented what I see as the main problem here:
Characterization.
I can see Rarity give their relationship a chance. She's generous, she likes Twilight - maybe even in that way... though that never became apparent. Anyway. While I do feel like it was a cheap solution to throw Spike away like that, it certainly was helpful to keep the story short. No, the problem here lies with Twilight.
She's not Rarity. She's not prone to drama. She plans ahead, always. For more situations and their development as one should. And once somepony derails what she planned out, she tends to freak out, becoming shy or insane or combustible or whatever. I can see her doubting that she could ever catch Rarity's interest, but then she would probably have started to plan. Quite a lot. Maybe she would've even planned herself into an organizing-frenzy. When facing Rarity, she would've tried to stick to her plans or, if something tries do derail them, would've tried to get them set on track again. Somehow.
Once Rarity doesn't instantly reply, she just jumped and ran off. While I can see her being heartbroken, I can't see her acting like an average teenage-girl, smashing the door shut, throwing oneself upon the bed and crying in self-pity.

And while the end was kinda cute, there - too - was a moment when I just thought "hey, wait - what? Why? How?" That was the moment when Rarity followed Twilight to her bed. Apparently Twilight didn't notice that her crush followed her through the door, shut said door, followed her upstairs and into her bedroom. Although she told her to leave. Or didn't she just care? That would've been helpful to know, just to avoid the confusion.

It was a good premise for a fluffy little something and as mentioned above, it was well-written. Twilights character just seems off.

I'm sorry.

Hudibadudi

Hudibadudi #10 · Jun 14th, 2015 · · ·

6092650 Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate when people are honest and give constructive criticism. I'll admit that I have a lot of work to do to improve my writing, and feedback helps.

Voidwalker

Voidwalker #11 · Jun 14th, 2015 · 1 · ·

6092718
And that sort of response is the reason why I like giving feedback on this site in the first place. When I find something that just doesn't feel right, I always try to explain my opinion as best as I can. You certainly have a talent for writing and I would be thrilled to read more of your work in the future.

Diamond Sparkle

Diamond Sparkle #12 · Aug 8th, 2015 · 1 · ·

You write those two really well.

Hudibadudi

Hudibadudi #13 · Aug 8th, 2015 · · ·

6297299 Thank you!!

Hudibadudi

Hudibadudi #14 · Jan 8th, 2016 · · ·

Wow. 1000 views. Thanks to everyone who has read, commented on, liked, and faved this story. I had no idea when I published this that it would take off like it did. Perhaps someday I'll get around to rectifying some of the flaws with the story. Maybe this milestone will give me the inspiration I need to carry that out. Again, thank you all.