Kinetic Heat
Joined 5th Sep, 2013 ·
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Your first paragraph has a line break in the middle of it.
You put a lot of spaces before " He stood in place for a heartbeat"
I don't like the dash that begins “- and Diamond Tiara too.
You don't capitalize quarterback.
You have two spaces between words "know this is wrong"
I don't get why you used the word only here: "unable to get erect only one more time today"
This almost warrants a slice of life given how much you talk about tea. Also, the father-daughter interactions seem quite natural.
I kinda glossed over trying to understand the timeline and the flashbacks and such in the beginning.
When you have sweetie say "I love you, daddy" the first time it sounds more like a prelude to bad news like than it does that she's addressing him as a lover. So I would italicize the you.
I love how Sweetie Bell became kind of naughty all of a sudden, very cute.
I thought the clop was about as good as it could possibly be written. You put a lot of effort into having three long sex rounds. Well done, I say.
I loved the end with how they're going to go public. I'm totally a libertarian on this issue and I think it will go well for them.
I think there's not foalcon thing if Sweetie is over the legal age.
6322226 thank you for the advice and I will apply the changes. This is the first story I ever published without it being proofread, since the one who usually does it refused quite furiously ^^'. Seldom do I find well articulated criticism that can be taken as actual advice in a way that cannot be misinterpreted for nitpicking and such. I am glad you liked it, for I felt pretty uncomfortable writing it.
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6322665
6322734 that's still not foalcon tho
See the problem?
6323310 elohell.net/public/comments/small/1db18c72b1c082cda2793f6586253fbc.jpg
*Insert lying Applejack face here*
Not bad. It's quite good. Though, if I were them, I'd make up a story about her having a one night stand with some random stallion in her grief over her boyfriend cheating on her.
However, I feel I need to point out a rather persistent problem. Now, remember, this is constructive criticism, intended to help you see problem areas so you can improve as a writer. The biggest problem with this story is improper and awkward word usage.
Slandered means to tell lies about it. I think the word you were going for was sauntered.
Obsolete means 'no longer relevant'.
Technically wrong, as one doesn't get 'promoted' to quarterback. However, the fact that it's in dialogue makes it allowable. I do find it strange that a filly who's father was a star player would use this term, though.
Again, being dialogue, it's forgivable, but this is still a very awkward statement that sounds like a sentence fragment.
The 'and you too' doesn't make since. What exactly does this pertain too?
Resented means to have a loathing or hatred of something.
Do you mean her vagina and anus? It almost seems you're referring to her urethra, which is far too small to be an entrance.
Not so much a grammatical error, so much as an error on the character's part. I don't know about you, but I lick my icecream quite firmly. If you lick a woman's clitoris that hard, it will actually hurt her quite a bit. The clitoris requires a gentle, delicate touch.
'Feed' doesn't make sense in this case.
Was this pro? Because it sounded like this would be college, but that would mean he was in college for at least six years, considering it was over five seasons. Was he going for his masters or doctorate?
Another awkward word usage with 'doing'
Lustrous means shiny. I think you meant 'lusty'
Those are some low hangin' balls
. But seriously, the testicles wouldn't hit the lower abdomen, only the pelvis.
Using 'only' here can be taken to mean that if he got another erection, he would need to have another after.
'Storming' is usually used to express someone moving angrily.
'Bigotry' is intolerance toward those who hold different opinions from oneself. This would be best replaced by 'mistakes'.
Anyway, again, this was a very good story, and you have a lot of potential as a writer. Good luck with your future endeavors.
6324980 Wow, I am really thankful for your advise. I have started reading "Chaotic Harmony", and has a good laugh. Never thought an experienced author like you would actually take the time to read one of my stories
The thing is, English isn't my native language and as you can see, I'm working hard, but I have still a long way to go. Thank you again for the corrections, I will apply them soon.
6325083 Then I'm happy to help you in perfecting English
P.S. Thanks you for the compliments.
Come for the incest, stay for the 11th hour pro-life message.
6322734
I feel your pain...
I think you should have ended there. Everything after that just kills the mood.
6370479 I say, this whole sentence could have been simply 'left out', and everything would have been for the better.
For the story itself... It was rather average, honestly. -_-
6371214 I kinda agree, though one phrase there, rather obviously, could be pointed as the major culprit there.
6370482 Thank you
6371214
6371675
And if it were for me to write this story voluntarily, then I would have ended it there. That is not the case however, and the person whose request this story was wanted it to have impregnation. The patron asks, the patron gets.
I am sorry if you didn't feel this story to be entertaining enough, do keep in mind though, that I am still an amateur and looking to improve. For you it was average, please tell me what could have been done better, please. (Honestly, no mockery or irony intended.)
6371836
Well, for it to kill the mood, there had to be a mood in the first place, right? I think it was good up until then, at least.
I think if you had Magnum not say "Screw it, we're telling the truth," and had made the tone of that whole little epilogue more lighthearted, it would have been fine.
Eh. It was hot enough, but the writing was shaky. A lot of words were inserted awkwardly, and the characters didn't really seem like... characters. They weren't OoC, the dialogue was just wooden and forced.
You get a like, but no favorite.
Sequel please!!!!!!!
7173037
Not a chance
Damn. I have actually never had a clopfic kill all of my enjoyment of it in two sentences until now. Was this really necessary in the story?
The dirty wasn’t as grand as I expected.