• Published 22nd Aug 2015
  • 1,718 Views, 111 Comments

Resolution - xjuggernaughtx



After subjecting herself to a secret ritual, Adagio enters into a dangerous new world where the line between friend and foe is blurred.

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Chapter Four - Coda

“Th-that’s not how it happened.” Still trembling, Adagio blinked rapidly and pressed a hand to her roiling stomach. The sudden return to the sunny, serene cloudtop left her feeling queasy and unbalanced.

Oh? I had no idea you were an expert in ancient history. Pray tell where my memory errs.

Adagio gritted her teeth and fought back a wave of nausea. “Bravura wasn’t killed! He left on a quest to get some secret weapon and never returned.”

Is that not what you saw, land-thing? Dazzle drifted in and out of the cloudtop in front of Adagio, but somehow his luminous eyes never strayed from hers. Bravura left this world and gave to your elders their greatest weapon. Did you not see the people and how they raced to tear him apart? How do you think that they felt on the next day? During the next week?

“What?” Adagio said, her brow furrowing.

The crooked smile flashed out from behind the cloud. Whatever else our elders may be, they are crafty, Adagio. They win because they know how to turn situations to their greatest advantage. In the memory, you witnessed it first hand. Turn the citizens’ fear into rage. Rage drives thoughtless action. Actions such as these lead to regret, and regret fosters lies.

Adagio swallowed back another heave, but it was easier this time. The slow, steady cadence of Dazzle’s speech seemed to calm her twitching nerves. “So… so you’re saying that they all just… what? Pretended that something else happened?”

In a way, though it is not quite that simple. You see, the truth stands only with those that bear witness to it. To another, whatever words they hear are their truth, and that is the one that spreads. Dazzle rose from the cloud. Coiling his lower body, he sat opposite of where Adagio hovered. The next day brought hand wringing and finger pointing. Some blaming others in the community for hastiness. Others confusing vital details in the heat of the moment. Still others, the ones in the back, remembered offering words of caution and restraint. Did you hear those words?

Adagio shook her head.

Neither did I, but it is amazing how many apparently said them. For the next few weeks, the stories were full of tragic heroes. The hippocampus laid the back of his hoof across his forehead. If only someone had listened to them.

“But why would they do that? They wanted him dead, so why pretend that they didn’t?” Adagio slowly sank to the cloud top and sat upon it. Drawing her knees up to her chest, she rested her chin upon them.

Why do you suppose all of those good citizens were there in the first place?

Adagio tipped her head to the side and looked away for a moment. “Well, because of the trial, I guess. It was an important one, right? Bravura was a big war hero.”

Any war is overflowing with heroes, Adagio. Both your kin and mine care little for them, truth be told. Bravura was a hero, but not of war. He was a hero of the people. The kind of champion that you aspire to be.

A shiver went up Adagio’s spine.

Those citizens were there because Bravura had spoken against the elders from his newly acquired position of power. He’d proven himself by leading fighters to victory in several key battles. Dazzle rolled his eyes. That the war rages on even centuries later tell you just how very important those battles were in the scheme of things.

Adagio found herself nodding. Frowning, she forced herself to stop.

Heroes are tricky things, Adagio. The elders brought him back in order to display him, a trophy meant to amplify their own glory, but he didn’t cooperate. Instead of working to reinforce their message, he decided to use his standing to change things. On the day that he was awarded his medal, he stood before your people and spoke to them. He talked of the futility and waste of the war. He spoke of independence and change, and when the elders tried to silence him, he fought back. At first, the elders tried polite recommendations on behavior, followed quickly by firm insistence. All dismissed by Bravura as he continued to speak over the next few weeks.

“They were starting to listen, weren’t they?” Adagio said after swallowing loudly. “The people were beginning to think he was right.”

Perking up, Dazzle’s smile spread. Exactly! And that is why they were lining the streets. Not because he was some hero of a battle they barely understood, but because he was saying and doing things that they dared only in their dreams. He was their dreams!

Adagio shot to her feet, fists clenched at her sides. “Then why didn’t they fight? They would have won!”

Dazzle curled his lip. Have you ever wonder why bravery is admired, Adagio?

Her face twisted as she attempted to follow the abrupt question. “Huh?”

Of course not. Courage comes as natural to you as drawing breath. He pointed to a passing seagull. But consider nature. When the osprey tucks into a dive, does the gull ready itself for the impending attack?

Adagio watched the gull wheel slowly, drifting on the strong coastal breeze. It cried out, then disappeared behind a cloud. “No,” she finally answered.

Dazzle licked his lips. I can speak from experience. Gulls are not ready to meet you in battle. They flee. They hide. They duck behind their peers, hoping that they will not be the one that the predator takes today. Your kind and mine are no different, Adagio. Most of them would prefer to run. They will fight only when backed into a corner.

Adagio’s nose wrinkled, and she worked her tongue around her suddenly sour mouth.

Oh, how that galls you, Adagio! Dazzle tried to lift her chin, but she batted the hoof away. For a girl who wants to end all the fighting, you gravitate so readily toward it. It is second nature to you. Do you understand why? Has the gull taught you anything?

“Stop smiling like that.”

The hippocampus blinked several times. That’s not—

Adagio stood, and her hair bristled out. “I said stop it! You’re just like them. Always acting so smart, like I’m some kind of idiot.” The hippocampus opened its mouth, but Adagio stepped forward and poked it in the nose with her finger. “I fight with them because no one else will. It’s not like I like it! I just want them to leave me alone so that I can sing and be with my friends. Everybody wants that!”

Blind girl! Will you not see? Dazzle unwound itself and rose. Undulating, the hippcampus climbed, and twisted through the air until he towered before her. He snarled when she stood firm, her jaw set. They are unlike you! They don’t want to be free! Not in the way that you or I do. They want freedom without sacrifice. They want it handed to them. That is why you will not succeed! You fight, Adagio! It is who you are, but you must learn to pick your battles if you wish to win. Right now, you are fighting education. I offer you a hoof, but you swat it away. You would march down to your people and squander all of your potential in a single, breathtaking display of power. Save it, Adagio! Conserve your power for when you can most effectively use it, and by doing so, save all of our people!

Adagio set her hands on her hips and glared back at the hulking monster. “Then what am I supposed to do? I won’t fight in the war. You’re saying that no one will listen to me, and that I can’t beat the elders, so—”

Your mind draws too many straight lines. Dazzle flowed through the air before her, twisting and turning. You must swim through unexpected channels. Set plans within plans. Enlist aid where you can. Make allies. He stopped, suddenly very close to Adagio. Quietly dispose of enemies.

Adagio’s reflection in Dazzle’s massive eye seemed uncertain for a moment before her brows angrily knitted together. “But that’s everything I’m trying not to do! I don’t want to lie and trick people like my father and all of his friends! I don’t want to do that stuff!”

Snorting out a small cloud of moisture, Dazzle edged closer. His maw was inches from her nose. To win, you must be flexible. This system can only be dismantled from within.

“No!” Adagio whirled. Crossing her arms tightly across her chest, she tossed her head. “I’m not doing that.”

Behind her, the hippocampus sighed. Then what will you do?

“I don’t know, but not that. I’ll figure something out.”

Well, you had better think fast, crawler-of-land! Your sire awaits your return, and within him, hunger burns. You are to be offered up to the elders as a magnificent weapon, and you can be sure that he expects to be showered with rewards beyond measure. Dazzle’s voice suddenly felt cold and dark in her mind. You are but a tool in a society that values utility over lives, and what do we do with tools that do not function as expected?

“I won’t let them!”

Adagio took a surprised step back when the hippocampus leaned in, nearly banging his forehead against hers. And you will be as Bravura was: an ineffectual footnote! Another chain clamped around the neck of your people! Floating backward, he looped in tight circles and bared his teeth at her. All because Adagio cannot look out and read the way the currents run!

Swallowing hard, Adagio fought back against a rising tide of anger. “There’s got to be another way,” she whispered through clenched teeth.

Dazzle stopped his twisted, agitated path through the air before her. His eyes clouded for a moment, and he looked away. Know this, Adagio. I have navigated these murky channels for centuries. I once thought as you do. He turned and held her with his intense stare. There is no other way. The currents run too deep. You would stand with your hands out to stop the water’s flow, but it is so much stronger than you imagine. It will take you. You either swim in its flow, or it drowns you.

Adagio let her hands fall back to her sides with a disgusted sigh. “And the only answer is to just do what they want? Somehow that’s going to change things?”

Again, you think only in straight lines! Change does not come from a single action. It is an accumulation! Adagio, this will be your life’s work as well as mine! It will take decades or more!

Adagio’s eyes bulged. “Decades?”

We are Joined, Adagio. Decades will be as nothing to you. It is but one reason why your elders are so jealous. He rose into the air and waved with a beckoning hoof. Come. Join me in song and things may become clear.

Adagio tapped her foot on the cloud as the monster soared above her. She wished that she had something to throw. “What are you doing?”

A low baritone rolled out in response. The rich melody flowed around her, and sent her hair streaming out. For a few moments, it traveled through scales and simple octave shifts, then settled into one side of a well known duet.

Adagio winced. The effect was jarring without the proper accompaniment. Each time the female voice should have joined the song, a terrible, gaping silence grated at her bones. Almost against her will, she rose.

And she sang.

~~~

Rising, Adagio spread her arms wide. Dazzle undulated through the air below her, and their shadows seemed to dance together across the cloudtop. When her stanza came, the words, clear and vibrant, rolled out of her.

Dazzle pointed to a nearby cloud. Maintain the song, but observe.

Adagio wasn’t sure she could have stopped if she’d wanted to. Her pulse was pounding in her ears. Her heart raced. The song was intoxicating. It had always been her joy to sing, but Marcato had been her only worthwhile partner. Only he could match her in range and power, but their harmonies were imperfect. His register just wasn’t low enough.

But this! The pairing was so complementary that tears stood in her eyes. Adagio fought to sing through her wide grin. Tilting to the side, she cut over the hippocampus to get a better look at the clouds he’d motioned to. Below her, they twisted and flowed as though sculpted by the hands of a skilled potter. At first, they were but basic shapes, but soon transformed into people and buildings.

Dazzle dropped his voice slightly, and she responded automatically. What had been a simple, stirring tune now felt as though it carried secrets. The cloud below them split into several sections, the largest of which bore a striking resemblance to Adagio. A tiny cloud hippocampus curled up on her shoulder and whispered into her ear.

There we are, Adagio. And see what comes for us.

The vaporous image of Adagio’s father pulled himself from a nearby cloud and walked toward them. His chest was puffed out, stiff with pride. He towered above Adagio, but when the cloud hippocampus whispered into her ear again, her father seemed somehow less impressive. His stance was suddenly comical.

Perception is a matter of perspective and experience. Your sire’s wrath once terrified you because it was all that you knew, but now I have shown you greater threats. I will tell you which ones are worth worrying about…

Adagio watched herself draw her misty hands to her breast and bat her eyelashes. Her father drew back, surprised, but soon nodded and puffed his chest out even further. Turning on his heel, he motioned for her to follow.

Adagio had to fight to maintain her composure. She didn’t want to spoil the song, but his stride was so self-important that she nearly burst out laughing. Instead of leading, he seemed to be merely escorting her as she walked with regal purpose behind him.

And which threats can be neutralized and used to further our goals.

Clouds on all sides melted into familiar faces. They were crowding around her father, and he was introducing Adagio to them. All the while, Dazzle continued to whisper. Adagio dismissed some with a toss of her head, and followed others to still more richly dressed sirens. She laughed with some. Argued with others. Here, she stood firm. There, she nodded meekly and danced as they did.

And where does this lead us, Adagio? What have we gained?

Adagio blinked, then gasped. The clouds around them trembled as the music wavered, but Adagio forced her voice to begin again, and when it did, the song swelled. What had seemed sly and secretive now blossomed into a stirring battle hymn.

There is no need to speak, Adagio. I can read your thought, and you are catching on.

It had been so subtle that she hadn’t noticed at first, but the crowds that she had been walking toward had over time fallen behind her. Now, as she continued on, they followed. With each encounter, their numbers grew.

Time. Patience. Cunning. These will be our tools. Raw power is not always the key to victory. Leaders are seldom crowned after a single battle. Lifetimes are spent tending to the coral so that it grows in accordance to plan. See them, Adagio! See how they follow! You can be the one to light the path that seems so dark. They are frightened, but each of them hungers as you do. They just need time to become brave. They need to be shown that it is possible. Both of our races are dissonant, and dissonance always seeks to resolve. Together, we can be their resolution, but these changes won’t come overnight. Remember Bravura. Remember his failure and do not repeat it!

Arms spread wide, Adagio felt her hair streaming away behind her. Her heart hammered in her chest. Their song had reached a crescendo, and the air around them rang with their voices. Below, the clouds had formed into ranks, and they lifted their hands to Adagio. She reached out for them, wishing she could hold them all in her palms. The air trembled with power as the song concluded.

For a moment, all was still. Adagio realized that she was crying, but for once, she didn’t feel like hiding it. Below her, the crowd adored her. They needed her, and she loved and needed them.

And then they fell away. Caught in the chaotic swirling of the returning coastal breeze, the clouds began to pull apart. The wind tore at their arms and faces, and for just a second their expressions of love transformed into fear and desperation. Instead of trying to embrace her, they were reaching out desperately for help. Their mouths opened into unheard screams.

In seconds, they were gone.

“No!” Adagio shot forward, but Dazzle snaked his tail around her waist and yanked her back.

That is the wrong way. He motioned in the other direction to a hole in the clouds. Through it, Adagio could see the ruins of the ceremonial dais and the shattered cliffs they’d left behind. Our path starts there. If you truly wish to save both of our races, you must return.

Adagio pursed her lips and shot the dais a hard stare. “Back to my father.”

Dazzle nodded, but shot her his lopsided grin. Yes, but as the master this time. Your sire is rigid and dull, yet considers himself endlessly clever. I have planned and executed schemes the likes of which he could never understand the basest element of. I will guide you. He will be humbled without even knowing it. In such a time as will draw your breath away, he will be working for us. They will all be working for us, and once they are, we will change everything!

She felt an unfamiliar grin creep across her face. It twisted up on the left side in a way that her smile never had before. It felt good, but it disappeared when a thought flashed through her mind. “But they’ll exile us if—”

Then we must ensure that we do not get caught. Dazzle’s eyes flared red for a moment. Adagio squinted when he transformed into crackling energy and disappeared into the gem at her throat. I have erred many times and learned from each one. Let me show you the way! Your elders await your return with a servant’s chain to clamp around your neck. They will seek to limit and control you, lest you turn on them as Bravura did. Capitulate. Let them think you are their tool, and exile is unlikely.

“But what if they do?”

Is that fear that I hear? The oily, mocking tone was back. And I thought you to be brave.

Adagio stomped her foot. "Well, what good is any of this if we aren’t there anymore?"

You cling to your world because it is all you have known, but beyond these lands, life goes on. Our cause would, as well. I have secrets they would gladly kill for, Adagio. There are ancient rituals. Lands beyond our borders where easy prey lies. Gates to other worlds. Strength is gained in many ways, and a barred door can only hold for so long against those who return with power. One way or another, our people will be free as long as we continue to fight for them.

Something clicked. “They… they exiled you. Back there in that cave, the other hippocampi banished you for life.”

Yes, but that—

“What would you have done if you’d won?”

The presence in her mind seemed to draw back, confused. What?

Adagio paused her descent and crossed her arms. “If I’d lost the Joining, then I’d just be some thrall for you to use, but you’re not with your kind anymore. You can't change them. So what would you have done with me if you’d won?”

If I had won? Adagio, you are learning, but you still have a long way to go. The waters through which we are to swim are dark and their currents treacherous. You must learn to read the flow. If I had won? Dazzle chuckled, so low that it was almost a growl. We are now joined in mind, body, and purpose. You and I are working together to make real all of the changes that I have ever desired.

A twisted smile flashed in her mind’s eye.

Adagio, that is the very definition of winning!

~~~

As she descended, Adagio angled to the left. Back to the sun, she spread her arms wide. Below, her shadow fluttered across the rapidly approaching cloud top.

No. Not here. Farther to the left.

“Why?” Adagio gritted her teeth for a moment, but forced herself to relax.

The silky voice in her mind sniggered. You’re still a soloist at heart, trying to make a grand entrance. But who benefits from that?

Adagio pursed her lips.

Correct. No one would benefit from it. What kind of entrance would help our cause?

Adagio paused, her feet just inches above the cloud. Cupping her chin in her hand, she thought for a moment. “One that makes my father feel important.”

Exactly. You desire to see him humbled, so you would fly out of the sun. You would see his eyes smart while he squinted up at your brilliance, but that does not advance our cause. Let him think that you are weak, and that his scheme has worked. As long as his plan and our plan swim alongside, it suits us.

The grin crept across Adagio’s face again. “Should I fall?”

I’m sorry?

“Should I fall?” Adagio dropped to the cloud’s surface in a heap. “I could fly down like I’m hurt, then just fall right at the end. I could land at his feet.”

The hippocampus sniggered again, and in a moment they were both laughing. Yes, I think that will do nicely.

Adagio allowed herself to sink into the cloud, picking up speed as she fell. For a few minutes, the world was dark and featureless. The vapor’s chill touch embraced her. She was shivering, but it was pleasant this time. It felt like anticipation.

The air tore at her hair, and she couldn’t help but gasp as she punched suddenly through the bottom of the cloud. She was falling face first toward the ocean.

Remember, true strength often appears as weakness. Let him believe that your spirit is broken and your body helpless.

Wiping the grin from her face, Adagio let herself go slack. She tumbled through the air, only to fan her wings, stabilize, then lose control again. Falling and regaining control, she angled for the cliffs.

Good. Now find your final reserve. He must believe this is the old Adagio. She is tired and bloodied, but still willful. She will attempt the grand entrance, but will fail.

Adagio nodded. Setting her jaw, she spread her wings wide and shot for the outcropping on which her father stood. Fresh blood still glistened on his face and neck, and it had streaked down the remains of her father’s tattered ceremonial robes.

Maintain the act! the hippocampus growled when she opened her mouth. The blood is still fresh because we have only been gone for minutes in this world. Our time spent together has happened at the speed of thought. To him, we have only just disappeared.

Below them, Forza’s arms twitched as if unsure whether to try to catch his daughter or not. Adagio did not make it an easy decision. Her face was fixed into a rigidly regal expression, but she allowed her eyes to sink slowly closed several times, and with each, she dropped several feet in the air. While her father fidgeted, she twisted left suddenly, and plummeted the last few feet to slam into the ground in front of him.

The hippocampus whispered something to her, but the pain blocked it out. Very real tears leaked from her eyes, and her mouth was suddenly bloody. She’d somehow bitten her tongue.

“Get up,” Forza growled, hooking his hand under her armpit and hauling her to her feet. “Your battle with that monstrosity has left the cliff unstable.”

“I… I can’t.” Adagio let her head loll to the side and her eyes droop halfway shut. Her voice sounded thick around her swollen tongue. “I’m too tired.”

Forza pursed his lips for a moment. “I suppose I’ll have to carry you.” Kneeling he wrapped his arms around her and lifted.

Remember our goals, Adagio. He is full of pride. Feed it. He will be so busy basking in his own glory that he will fail to notice that he stands alone. That is the course. Be rational where you can be. Speak honeyed words where necessary. Above all, use what you have been given in unexpected ways. Each must believe they see the true Adagio. We must ensure that none are correct.

Adagio forced a theatrical tremble into her arms, then wrapped them around his neck. Swallowing, she mumbled something into his chest.

Forza stopped abruptly and looked down at his daughter. “What was that?”

“I said that… that you were right.” She turned her head to stare at anything but him. “About some things. I saw it all in the battle. They’re monsters, and we have to fight them.” Adagio felt her father tense. “Put me down. I can walk now.”

Forza cleared his throat. “I think not. You’ll only slow us, and that I cannot risk.” With a small grunt, he settled Adagio into a more comfortable position. “I’ve carried you this far through life…”

Adagio’s hand gripped his shoulder tightly, then relaxed. “I just didn’t know. No one told me how terrible it all was. It was… confusing. That… that thing wanted to tear me apart, and when it couldn’t, it started telling me about our races. It kept talking about secrets and plans and stuff I just couldn’t understand!” Adagio worked a small shake into her voice. “I… I…”

“But you mastered it?” Forza’s eyes were hard, but they sparkled like rubies.

Adagio touched the jewel at her throat. “Yeah.”

“And what will you do with it? Terrorize your teachers? Use it to guard your door while you sleep the morning away?”

Calm. The word enveloped and cooled her anger when it flared. Let him lead for now.

“I don’t know, okay?” Adagio made a show of pulling away, but collapsed against him when he resisted. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Silence stretched out between them as Forza picked his way down the broken steps. Adagio let her head bounce against his chest. “What you will do is serve,” he said suddenly.

Adagio did not reply, and he grunted. She grinned into his chest at the added spring in his step. “Are… Are Sonata and Aria, you know… going?”

“It could be arranged. Their families won’t be pleased, of course, but it can be done.” Forza turned a corner and slid against the wall as the pathway narrowed. “Duty to society comes first in all things, Adagio. Remember that.”

Adagio fought back against rising bile.

Yes, do remember this moment. We all live in a society of individuals. Each paying lip service to the whole while tearing down everything that might help anyone but themselves. But we will be the mortar that holds, Adagio! We will bind them! We will be the resolution of the dissonance! Remember that when their hypocrisy makes you ill.

Adagio nodded, then smiled when her father grunted again. He’d thought she was agreeing. “I’ll… get to see Marcato?”

Forza stiffened for just a moment, then swallowed. “I can make sure that you are placed in his unit.”

Adagio clamped her jaw shut.

Did you think he did not know? Marcato died years ago, but it is the spur with which he has driven you. Too useful a tool to be discarded.

The sour taste of rage filled Adagio’s mouth, and she swallowed hard. Taking a deep breath, she focused on the plan. “Then maybe I’ll go.”

She felt her father tense. “There is no ‘maybe’, Adagio! It is your duty!”

Adagio tilted her head back to glare at her father. “I said I’ll think about it!” She allowed her eyes to flutter closed for just a moment and added some extra weariness into her voice. “I’ve got to think about a lot of things. I was wrong...”

“What?”

Good, but be careful. Never too much at one time.

Adagio yawned. “Nothing.” Laying her head on his chest once more, she closed her eyes and let him carry her down the mountain.

Author's Note:

If you are interested in a little more, there is an unused epilogue in my scraps story.

It can be found here.

Keep in mind that it's unused for a reason, though. I didn't end up caring for it, so your mileage with it may vary. A little bit of it ended up getting moving into this final chapter, so some of the dialogue might feel repetitive.

Comments ( 57 )

More please!:pinkiehappy: This story is wonderful! I don't entirely trust Dazzle.........:unsuresweetie:

6354167 You are wise. Dazzle should not be trusted. Actually, no one in those societies should be trusted...

6354185 True. Doesn't that make making friends hard if you can't trust anybody?

6354205 It does, but it's not impossible. I've been friends with plenty of people I didn't trust. I just limit what they are allowed to access about me. However, everyone in this story has an agenda, and just because you have an agenda doesn't make you evil. They are all just angling for what they want. Adagio just happens to be the worst at it because she's young.

I guess I should say "fully trust." You're going to have to have some level of trust, but also to keep your eyes open, you know?

Also, just because Dazzle is manipulative doesn't make him wrong. He's just going about things in an unsavory way. It really all depends on your perspective. I'm sure the leaders of the sirens would see him as a scourge.

6354243 True again. You are very smart. Maybe even smarter than Twilight:twilightangry2:

6354256 Well, let's not get carried away... :twilightsheepish:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Well that was quick! :O I guess combining the chapters was a good idea! :D

6354300 Yeah, I think you were right. There was no real reason for them to be divided up the way that they were. It was more that it was the place that I ended that writing session.

In wondering, was this aimed to any particular analogy in the vein of other angles? While it ends on a note that is well, sharp and flap in their own ways.. It has an allegory to it when you cut to the vein. And it tries to go for the jugular here. Gets pretty close too.

6354632 My goal here was to A) show why Adagio has the personality that she has, B) show why the sirens seemed to control hippocampi in the final battle, rather than transform into them, and C) create a world of deviousness for Adagio to be operating in. The rest is a mix between necessary elements to create the world and my own views on power structures. I wanted something where there are no clear lines. From any point of view, Adagio, her father, or Dazzle could be totally in the right. I depends on where you stand. None of them are good or bad. They want to do good in bad ways, and the bad that they do can also be a net positive for the community. Few truly impactful actions that we perform in life are clear cut. They often have ramifications that impact other people in ways that we didn't anticipate.

A fascinating exercise in worldbuilding and a truly unique spin on the sirens. Very nicely done. Thank you for it.

6355256 You're very welcome! I'm happy that you liked it. :twilightsmile:

It's terribly interesting to watch the dynamic between these two. Adagio is a stubborn one.

6355277 I wanted her to be twelve years old and headstrong. She doesn't want to listen, but does want to hear what Dazzle is telling her. He's infuriated and intoxicating. She used to lies and manipulation, but Dazzle's words also resonate. She's learned over the course of her short life to be obstinate.

I didn't care too much for it at the start, but this story really grew on me over time once the ritual began. The atmosphere and . . . ethos, I guess, feel something like a cross between 1984 and Dune. Even by the end, I'm not sure Adagio did much for me, still seeming kind of amorphous or wavery, if with a bit of a sterner core, but she played nicely as the other side of the conflict with Dazzle. And I suppose it did fit her situation.

Couple possible editing errors:
1.

Forza eyes slid out of focus for only a second,

"Forza's eyes"

to keep them from pushing her out of the dias.

"dais"

2.

I supposed you will have to think of something.

"suppose"?

3.

Dazzle tipped his head toward her, rolling an eye sideways until it locked onto her’s.

"hers"

The low rumbling drew inwards, raising in pitch when it neared

"rising"

4.

Those citizen were there because

"citizens"

6355382 Thank you for those edits. I'll go and correct them right now.

As for Adagio, I wanted to keep her being young. She's only twelve, so she's not a confident as the Adagio in the film. She's strong and willful, but not mature. My goal was to make the Adagio's personality seen Rainbow Rocks seem like the combination of both Adagio and Dazzle in this story.

In a word, "Wonderful!" You've done something really impressive here, striking all sorts of potent memories and whispers of other great literature. The beach in memories reminded me of "Edge of Tomorrow" which the endless fight that she can't directly help in. Bravura's plight of course screamed of Spartacus. Early moments on the Dias reminded me of innumerable battle-in-the-high-tower scenes, including (of course) Lord of the Rings. The mind-meld aspects reminded me of the giant cats in The Gandalara Cycle. The very nature of the hippocampi, and their relation to the land-walking sirens put me in the mind of S.L. Veil's "Bio Rescue" series. Last, but definitely, definitely not least, I couldn't help but feel like this would fit perfectly in Brian K. Vaughn's amazing comic series, "Saga." The Wings and The Horns in that, warring eternally for reasons neither remember.

So yeah, that's right, you somehow managed to remind me of half a dozen other great stories, all while creating something unique and new that will remain fresh in my mind for quite some time to come. I've truly never seen anything similar in raw concept, and the way you wove it into the MLP universe works brilliantly, even if the final result feels more like mythology itself. I swear, if you merely took out the music-pun names, this story could stand (and likely sell) on it's own as original fantasy.

The ending... Bravo! They say "Writing about music is like dancing about architecture," but you did it with graceful aplomb. You also put in a nice lesson which tied everything together and let us leave with a sly smirk on our collective faces. I loved it!


Okay, accolades aside, let me prove the above is justified by showing that I recognize what's weak as well... Stories about unicorns and rainbows can't be all unicorns and rainbows! :trollestia:

1. Quite a few typos and technical errors. I noticed at least a half dozen in each chapter. All minor though, just missed words, some misspellings, and a few pronoun/tense slip-ups. Normally I breeze past that, but this story is GOOD, so it's worth trying to make it PERFECT. My number one suggestion for that is to proof read on an alternate device if possible, but at the very least use a different text size. It'll paginate differently, and a lot of typos will show up. Especially true for duplicated and/or missing words, which likely won't be at the line-wrap

2. The repetitive back-and-forth nature of the conversation makes things grow a bit dull, especially around the middle bits. The conversation between Dazzle and Adagio needs to be broken up with a bit more action interspersed, and could do with less direct back-and-forth. Have some thoughts go unfinished. Don't make every response literal. Don't show us the WHOLE thing, but let the narrative summarize in places.

3. There's a little too much "tell" instead of "show" in places. Well, rather Dazzle often shows something, but THEN does the "don't you understand, dumb, legged thing" bit and TELLS her/us the meaning as well. As Adagio catches onto the lessons, you need to have more faith that the reader will as well, and not spell out quite so much.

4. Be wary of repetitive actions... or more importantly, repetitive descriptions of those actions. Adagio "crossed her arms" 7 times in this story I think, 3 of those in chapter two alone. She also "spread her arms" almost as many times. Try having her pull her arms to her sides, shrug, tuck her arms under each other, hug herself, squeeze her arms tightly around her body, etc. Body language is important, and you did a really good job of showing that throughout, but a tad more variety in the literal language of it would improve things greatly.

5. Some of the visuals aren't quite clear. We never get a good idea of what her wings look like, for example. Are they large, angel wings, or some weird insect things? Are they fin-like? Perhaps it's been a while since I saw Rainbow Rocks, so I don't remember what they looked like in that. As such, my brain was drawing me no clear pictures. The hippocampi are also slightly nebulous. My brain can fill in better there (as I remember them more in the animation) but as I mentioned, I think this story could stand alone, outside of pony, and those are details that are needed.

6. Dazzle seems to shift too easily between alien, hippocampi sayings/analogies/viewpoints and land-bound ones. One minute he's using weird language like "land-crawler" and "lend a hoof", which adds to the "this is a monster" vibe, and he doesn't even have a name to start with, which is also very "alien." But later, he casually uses phrases like "they were all pointing fingers at each other" and similar siren/human terms. Again, normally something I wouldn't even point out in most pony, but the opposition, the dissonance between the cultures is key to this story, and I think you need to firmly cement the alien perspective of the Hippocampi.


Okay, I think that's about it. Once again, a really great story, and I hope you realize I'd never waste my time pointing out so many negatives on a story that wasn't worth the effort! :twilightsmile:

6349773 Okay, yeah, SuperTrampoline isn't the most tactful in the way he worded that, but let's be really clear about what he's asking people to do in that letter. He's asking friends of his (and Juggernaught's) to promote and recommend a very good story to a wider audience. That's not "manipulating" the feature box any more than someone campaigning for a politician is "manipulating" the vote, or the Girl Scouts are "manipulating" the economy when they have their parents and friends spread the word about where to buy cookies. There's nothing wrong with promoting things.

Let me be clear.
There is NOTHING wrong with asking people to read a story, or to tell others about it.

That is, one could even argue, the entire point of this site. We're all here because we want to read good stories, and a very large number of us do that based on recommendations from others. That is, from authors we admire, people we met at cons, readers we've had great discussions with, and any number of other those other wonderful social bonds we commonly refer to as "friendship."

If the goal was to somehow sabotage the feature box, or get an awful story up there "just for the lulz" that'd even be something. This is NOT that. This is a good story... I would argue a GREAT story even. If you don't try to help the things you like succeed, and more importantly, if you don't try to help the PEOPLE you like succeed, then what kind of friend are you?

Lastly, I have to ask, what would Pinkie Pie do? That's why Super phrased things as he did I think. Pinkie helps her friends to succeed, because she wants to see them happy. Helping a friend get his story read by more people is a WONDERFUL thing for a friend to do, and when friends work together for that, it can be even better.

So please, don't be too negative about Super's efforts here, or see some dark "conspiracy" where there is none. If you don't like the story, fine, say so, downvote it even. But if you find stories you do like, or even write some of your own, then please, PLEASE help them get seen. Tell your friends. Heck, tell me! I love good stories! Why? Because they make me :pinkiehappy:

6356052 Oh, no worries there! I'm totally into the critique. I'm a typo machine, so it's no surprise to me that after all my pre-readers and an editor, there are still a few in there. I'll re-read it in a few days and catch a whole bunch. I have stories I put out three years ago that I still catch typos in after a look-see.

Quite a few of your points are ones that I agree with, so I'll see what I can do to tighten things up.

Glad you enjoyed it so much!

6358829 I'm pleased that you enjoyed it! I spent a lot of time on this story, so it means a lot to me when people respond to it.

6348617 Uhm... actually, the 3 girls weren't 'controlling' the hippocampi. That was their ephemeral true form.

That sort of device has been used before in animation.

I can see reinterpreting that for this story's purposes, but the reality was that it was just giving moviegoers a chance to see the Sirens as they really are.

Sometimes you have to look OUTSIDE the story in a movie and consider the commercial and audience aspects of a production.

6359224 Or you could say, "Well, they didn't explicitly say one way or the other, so maybe there are different interpretations of what was happening. Perhaps I could just let this author fill in the gaps in a creative way."

I can speak from experience. Gulls are not ready to meet you in battle. They flee. They hide. They duck behind their peers, hoping that they will not be the one that the predator takes today.

And yet I have witnessed on several occasions a group of sparrows drive away a hawk.

Also seen Canada geese viciously attacking a guy... hee hee, what a douche. Got his ass kicked by a goose!

This was good stuff, definitely worth the time to read. It'd be fascinating to see how Adagio goes from this to Rainbow Rocks.

And I suspect that Dazzle wasn't quite as forthright about his goals and history as he claimed. He repeatedly told Adagio that guile, misdirection, and the manipulation of perception are the best way to outmaneuver an opponent, yet she never once considered that his instruction could be applied against her as much as to her.

6359568 Well, she does say that he could be using her once or twice, especially during the beach memory. She was pretty resistant to his charms until he pulled out the big guns. All Adagio wanted to was to be loved and wanted, and that's what he gave her in the end. The question is whether any of that is genuine or is she just being used again. I wanted to leave it messy. Life is fully of uncertainty and hard choices. I just wanted to show Adagio in the midst of one of those decisions. She doesn't want to trust Dazzle, but the idea of what could be added to tearing down what she hates is very emotionally strong. She's buying into that idea, for better or worse.

6360678 And that desire of hers had given Dazzle the perfect bait and hook to secure his hold. Contrary to the trope, I'm pretty sure defeat does not equal friendship in this case.

I forsee a Palpatine/Anakin relationship, but with no Luke Skywalker to step in and knock the brainwashing loose. And then Rainbow Rocks, whopping great, music-powered alicorn blast, and no more Dazzle, Blaze, or Dusk...

6361473 That's one of the things I found interesting and alarming with this story. The end of Rainbow Rocks basically means that the... Mane Seven? What do we call them? Anyway, it means that they unwittingly killed the hippocampi. That's a heavy responsibility. It's like ripping the sirens in half. I'm left wondering exactly how the sirens feel about that.

6359313 Geese are terrifying, don't make fun of that poor man's trauma.

6363014 Geese RUN from me. They fall over themselves trying to get away as I walk toward them with my killing intent... They shall pay for pooping on my grass. :pinkiecrazy:

So... the real question burning away in my mind is: Is this supposed to be a condemnation of western culture, or it that just incidental?

6368711 Hmmm. Hard to say. I do have a hatred for power structures and the systems they set up to maintain themselves at the expense of the average person. However, I'm not really a fan of the "tear it down from within" kind of thinking. I wasn't really trying to send a message with this story. I was trying to make a convincing argument to Adagio. Some of that stuff in there is me, but other bits I'm actually pretty opposed to. I just figured Dazzle wouldn't be. He'll use whatever he needs to in order to come out ahead.

I wouldn't see this as a condemnation of western culture specifically. I think that greed for power at the
expense of your fellow man is a pretty universal thing. I can't really think of a society that's never suffered from it.

6368721 It just seemed such a direct parallel that the worldbuilding didn't light many fires, but I suppose that's to be expected for someone who prides himself on pattern recognition. Also, I suspect it may say quite a lot about the internal integrity of the world it builds, since I was pretty sure what it would all look like just halfway through C2 – it's just less gripping when it fits together so well that little of it is a surprise.

What I will say, though, is that I think this had really well constructed dialogue. Well enough constructed that I actually found some of the interruptions (prose) slightly irritating. I was getting the ebb and flow of emotion quite clearly without the cues that sometimes marred, rather than enhanced, it. I also rather enjoyed narrating Dazzle's lines out loud in my best gravelly-British-supervillain voice. 9.10. Would narrate again :P

6368750 Well, I can say honestly that I wasn't trying to draw parallels with, say, US politics, but I didn't specifically try to keep it out of the story, either. It was really driven more from a "What is it going to take to convince a girl who doesn't believe any of what this hippocampus is going to say." Each of the things that Dazzle shows her was built off of that need.

I'm sure a lot of it is filtered through my perceptions of how we operate as the United States, but hammering that message home was never the goal. Moving Adagio from naïve and headstrong to cool and conniving was the goal of the this story. Everything else was secondary.

As you've picked up on, I actually had to fight to get something other than dialogue in there sometimes. I prefer writing dialogue, which is why my first person stories are better than third person. It's much more like dialogue. Because I have a tendency to go on and on with dialogue, I probably overdid the correction of that here.

I would love to hear a British Dazzle. In my mind, he sounds like a slightly bassier Jeremy Irons. So, like Scar, I guess.

6367758 They're just luring you into a trap. It's a standard military tactic: send a small force out, let the enemy get overconfident and pursue the small force when it retreats, then overwhelm the enemy when they leave the safety of their defences. One of these days you're going to follow them too far, and then your going to disappear.

6369756 I'm an NJ Piney. *Nothing more needs to be said. Alondro is clearly an unstoppable, unnatural abomination.* :pinkiecrazy:

Quite an amazingly original take here. Words painted the pictures exceedingly well. Hence that dork with the -10 comment on the first chapter left me scratching my head a bit, especially after a look at his user page (and then with PP being the editor and given EQD's submission guidelines).

If you do more sirens work, I'd certainly be on board with reading.

6374912 I'm pretty sure the guy from the front page is just someone's alt account that's been set up just to leave trollish comments. It looks like it was designed specifically to get a rise out of me, but I just kind of find it hilarious. It looks like that guy logged in just to dump on my story and then hasn't been back again, so it looks like an obvious secondary account to me. Or he's just an idiot. Or both.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm very pleased that you enjoyed it! :pinkiehappy:

6361481 but... We-WE GOT FRIENDSHIP IN OUR HEAAAARTS! GONNA BLOW THIS THING APAAART CUZ WE NEEEEVERRRR BE AFTRAID OF THE DAAAAARK

MAGIC OF FIENDSHIP EVERYONE!

Interesting reading, with some great world-building, and Dazzle was a fine character. I'm not a big EG fic fan, though, so it was always going to be a struggle really to connect with this. I almost feel it might work better as original fiction, shorn of any connection to pony.

6487291 Couldn't we say that about all fanfiction stories that are set in a world we don't particularly care for, though? I mean, I don't like Rugrats, so any interesting story written in their universe would seem like it would be better to me if taken out of it.

Not that I'm trying to get down on you about your opinion. I'm not really such a huge fan of EQGs either. I just happen to LOVE The Dazzlings. I could see where it would be much more satisfying to a reader as a piece of original fiction. It's almost completely my creation, rather than drawing on the EQG high school setting. I'm not sure if you read the epilogue ending chapter that I linked to at the end. It's not my favorite piece of writing, but it does tie it more closely to ponies. I ended up not really caring for that chapter, so I jettisoned it, but you might find it interesting if you are looking for a little more reason that this is in fandom.

6487314 Fair point. I think what I was trying to say is that I might have liked it more if I didn't have the back-of-my-mind feeling that this all linked in to EG and the wider MLP multiverse. It sometimes felt a long way from that, though not because it was at all badly written. As for the epilogue: I have read it, but (as is my usual practice) I disregarded it in my review, since it's not an official part of the main story. And I think it cements my existing feelings: the epilogue makes the fic more ponyish, but I don't think it makes the story better. As such, my appreciation of the story's qualities doesn't have much to do with pony.

6487349 That's understandable. It was one of my concerns writing this story that it's 99% headcanon. I really went wide a-field with this one, so I figured some people would be less than thrilled with the trip. There's a limit to how much world building people usually want when they go into a story to read about a certain character. In a weird way, I think you might have liked the Adagio story better than you normal would have if I'd plunked her into Canterlot High and had her deal with the standard social drama. That probably would have turned you off entirely.

But yeah, I totally get the "This story is good, but I wish it wasn't about these characters" feeling. I've felt that way about a lot of MLP fics that I've read about, say, Snips and Snails. It doesn't really matter how great the story is, if it's not them addressing why it is that I don't like them, then I wish the story was about someone else.

6851222 Oh, man. I totally forgot this was even in the review folder.

Anyway, my thoughts on the AU tag for this story have been covered somewhat exhaustively in comments above, so I'm not going to go into the whole thing here. TL;DR version: I get why people would think that it needs to be AU, but I think the information we're given in the movie leaves room for interpretation. Starswirl's book says one thing, but the concert shows another. I wrote an epilogue that tied the two more firmly together, but I ended up not caring for it. There's a link to it in the author's notes.

6861698 Oh... well ignore the post I made to your homepage. I didn't get a notification that you replied to me. Probably because you caught me while I was checking out the story. I get the feeling this will be a good review.

6866580 Well, I hope so. It's not a perfect story by any stretch of the imagination, but I did work hard on it.

6866599 It's the structure of the story that catches my eye. I like the was you managed to describe things. While I don't see this making its way to Equestria Daily, I do see it as something likable.

6866619 Well, you're wrong there. It's already been on EQD, but that's not really the feat that it once was. They've relaxed their entry requirements quite a bit.

6866687 Well, I've only read one chapter, so pardon me.:twilightsmile:

6866699 It's all good. Like I said, I know it's not a top tier story. It's just decent, so I don't expect gushing praise.

Resolution has been reviewed and is now available to view!

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