A Certain Unremarkable Sparkle In Equestria {An anthology of bad ideas...}

by Bumblebee Tuner

White Noise

Binky’s Friend: Hyperacusis
Chapter 7
White Noise

“Why did you summon me here?” Binky asked indignantly.

“Oh yes, about that…” Luna began. A small black velveteen bag containing 3000bits surrounded in aura of gentian violet was tossed at Binky’s feet. A third of the contents spilling out as the shoestring tie came undone. It landed with a metallic shroot sound, roughly one foot from Binky, as a few of the escaped bits rolled a little ways, worming in assorted directions before only one remained on edge long enough to touch base with Binky’s right hoof.

Binky whistled “Whoa, looks like some-pony’s got a lot of wishes.” the anthropomorphic embodiment of death seemed to admire the mess of shiny bits scattered on the pavement before him more than any he had ever fished out of a wishing well.

“You‘re known as the pacifier. Am I correct?” Luna asked as if she was trying to confirm something.

“I go by many names, and have many faces.” Binky attempted to sound cryptic, but with Tiara’s voice it sounded more like a hollow peep.

Luna took a sidelong glance at Diamond Tiara and Twistaloo who were still prostrating themselves before her in a an almost playful downward dog position. “I can see that. You are aware ,,God’s Possession” isn’t a toy?”

“I got permission!” Binky stated this in a manner similar to a child from a broken home that had robbed Peter to pay Paul by asking Rock to play role.

Diamond’s ears seemed to perk up in shock at this statement and she quickly came to a standing position of attention “Don’t listen to this creep!” Diamond Tiara attempted to point at Binky with an accusing hoof and a withering glare. Sadly, her balance was destabilized due to her currently missing limb. Not to mention this lead to Diamond’s immediate downfall. As such, the filly’s astral form immediately fell flat on her snoot, and Diamond Tiara almost bit her tongue. “Celestia Damn it!” Diamond pushed herself up with her left arm as she gritted her teeth, quite a feat considering she just ate pavement. “This screwball just wants to disguise himself using my body.” Diamond snarled in a manner hunched over as she tried to regain her footing in tripod mode.

“As you can see I have only one follower,” pointing at Tiara and Twist with her right arm “Besides, you know as well as I do a God such as myself may have need of a paladin or blessed vessel at any time.” Binky failed to mention that the one follower was not Diamond Tiara as that would definitely open up a can of ear worms he did not want hammered home in the royal Canterlot voice. “I can’t help it if her wish wasn’t more specific.”

Binky then quickly put down his right front leg as eyeballs seemed to creep into existence with an asynchronous blink. To say Luna was surprised to see a physical manifestation of blight or phage in the frog and fetlock of the squirrelly young god’s hoof was disturbing. The fact that they wriggled around to get a better look at, if not to inspect the surrounding area with, soft signs of sapience and lightning fast reflexes gave her the chills. Then again if the limb was a late addition to the foals body, and judging by the specter of Diamond Tiara’s astral form that appeared to be the case, it wouldn’t be the first time a god tried to remain on the corporeal side of the far shore by playing corrupt a wish.

“Gaurds! Borderline. NOW!” Having captured the attention of the night guard Luna Continued “Concentrate your barriers around the pacifier.”

Two Pegasus ponies who had been circling overhead, namely Captain Tylor and Batsy Fuffentuft, came out of nowhere as they landed silently and created a defensive line between the delivery god and their Princess. The later of which lacking any semblance of discipline called out “Surprise Bitch!” Captain Tylor’s appearance wasn’t any more remarkable than Batsy’s, although he was wearing a smiley face as he approached.

“Hey! Listen! That’s no way to treat a friend.” Binky’s voice having the strangled quality of an annoying fairy (or amorous hedgehog) did nothing instill the princess with any level of sympathy for the devil.

“Thou art barely a louse and friend to none little smeerp-.” The chord of Luna’s voice rung cold with a half lidded stare. Binky backed away from the clearly deranged alicorn flight guard and their unhappy monarch in what was left of Diamond‘s body.

Considering a snake bite had left a certain filly’s body poisoned and terminally depressed, if not mostly dead on arrival, the flurry of movement and the revelation of additional unicorn reinforcements (charging up what looked a little more complicated than the telekinesis spell for airing dirty laundry) did nothing to rattle the anthropomorphic embodiment of death‘s nerves any further. “A little help here would be nice.”

An exasperated “Fine” was followed by a sigh of resignation. Scootaloo, having gone mostly unnoticed by the alicorn and the other guard due to her negative presence, lack of a soul, and more than likely the Excalibur face she was currently wearing, whether as a result of an intentional flaw in her design or the incomplete separation from Binky; was not a happy camper. Still, the fact remains, Luna had completely forgotten about the bastard weapon of her current target. The how of it all as complete a mystery as Pinkie Pie’s out of frame teleportation ability. Perhaps it was plot convenience that contrived this happenstance, if only to drop a duce on the titanic while taking note of how completely unnecessary butt holes to the underlying process

Seeing as Luna had personally visited the cutie mark crusaders individually, in spite of her MANY followers, one might expect a little recognition of the stalwart snark invader. Not that it would have particularly mattered considering practically any weapon more spectacular than the belt of truth, or the mythril pebble of pig smiting, in the metaphorical hands of a god carried with it the awesome force of natural and logical consequences. Scootaloo grumbled something along the lines of “I hope you get a yeast infection.” Before transforming into something a bit more useful than a blackjack in what would almost certainly be a pyrrhic victory for Binky (if not a draw) something unexpected happened. Ideally, Scootaloo would have been more useful than a blackjack had the energy she materialized into between transitioning from spearhead to pegasus not been pushed out of the way, if not deflected as she folded like a paper doll. With seemingly cosmic force, at a speed just short of the physics of bullet time lasers, a horseshoe collared the unfinished blade and spiked it to the ground with an impact along her choil and ricasso.

As they approached silently from the rear with more grace than their captain and his latest subby, the bat winged pegasi Sunshine and Frolic acted as a boundary to the rear. One that should have effectively kept Binky in his present location as three walls of blue light converged to create a prison of crystallized electricity that would lock the possessed body in place long enough for Luna to perform an exorcism…assuming aforementioned horseshoe hadn’t effectively killed the filly wearing the propeller beanie slowing only after it had severed her cervical vertebrae with the force of a butcher’s knife on its journey through her trachea, vocal cords, thyroid, and those three little bones that operated as an exoskeleton for her esophagus. For one to argue the horseshoe had moved with the spin of an errant boomerang as it happened to both bloodlessly and quickly burst through the blood-bone barrier like a circular saw, in order to pin and collar a bolt of lightning would be exaggerating.

To say Diamond Tiara was speechless as she observed the scene of her body’s encounter with the glue maker for want of a nail. With an intensely horrified look of troubled interest pasted onto her face as the light in her eyes slowly drew a blank stare, the warm glow of her features starting to cool as blood flowed with an evil hiss of a sprinkler or kinked hose before her body just sort of collapsed head first onto the broken and naked blade that had moments before resembled something akin to ball lightning. An arrowhead that was bent at a peculiar angle, sticking out of the ground, folded under the horseshoe that had slain Binky, and effectively stapled itself into the ground with impact fractures, did not make the scene of a rail spike being effectively driven through her head any less traumatic. She wanted to scream, she would have screamed, if her consciousness wasn’t slowly fading like the world around her as it was enshrouded in ebon darkness… then there was a soft glow that seemed to envelop her as her body faded into transparency. Was this it, was this the light of the afterlife coming forth to carry her home, or-

“MUAH HA HA HA HA HA! I did it, I’m free! FREE AT LAST! Discord, Princess Luna, Celestia, and their holier than thou acolytes can go suck my lollypops in hell.” a familiar voice crowed in triumph. “End class my hairy butt. I’d like to see someone else figure out how to launch a missile blindfolded from 400 paces, let alone stop a lightning bolt and execute a seven layered spell with a blood rite.”

“Jeepers Binky, at least wait until you’re out of earshot before-” Scootaloo started to say as she rematerialized, that is to say converted back into energy before transmogrifying into a pony while she approached the source of maniacal laughter a few feet from where Diamond Tiara’s dead body had been moments before. Just as a green cylinder of light and an electric blue triangle encased the body in a crystal prism before it vanished the leg on Diamond‘s extra celestial entity started to rematerialize. Scootaloo probably would have continued but gulped when she realized Princess Luna and the night guard were still very much present.

“Binky!?” The filly seemed surprised. “SHEEP HERDING PRIESTS! I knew this ship would happen…” The mage who would be an alicorn if it weren’t for extenuating circumstances that kept her from leaving a stable time loop, in a alternate universe where you could literally make sense of nonsense, wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to be Scootaloo’s ‘sissy’ or ‘binky’ in this case. The very thought sent chills down her spine and not in a good way. Naturally, her immediate thoughts on filly foolery were that she needed a perverted girlfriend like she needed a blackjack and a box of chicken nuggets. Fortunately, these thoughts were quickly halted as she was dog piled by Luna’s night guard. Who, whether by means magical or scientific managed to subdue their target and knock her unconscious.

It was at this moment that Diamond Tiara awoke in a pool of her own blood. She wasn’t suffocating, she was drowning in a manner similar to a fish in polluted waters. If she could move she might get to a bathtub and finish the job. Trying to breathe, or at the very least move when your blood was on fire, your intestines were being eaten alive, and every bone in your body felt broken was not exactly something one wanted to experience without something to dull the pain. She couldn’t even call for help, and being paralyzed did nothing to help her fall asleep as the adrenaline was keeping her at high alert. She was breathing, but she had no voluntary control over the process otherwise she would have held her breath until she could pass out or explode. She could blink and look around what appeared to be her bedroom. Along with this ability came uncomfortable questions about whether or not the nightmare with Binky was preferable to the conscious awareness that she was obviously bitten by a snake, that she was effectively trapped in her own body, and she was crying.

‘Oh, just perfect!’ complained a hallowed voice that was creepy and weird and left Diamond so incredibly happy she wasn’t alone anymore she let out an involuntary excited peep (with a flatulent smile on her face as she clicked her tongue) before her body started to spasm and cough and make other assorted wet noises. ‘How the bleep am I supposed to fix this smeerp, even if I do something her body will just die eventually anyway.’

There was a long pause, Diamond wasn’t exactly sure what was going on. It was obvious they weren’t connected well enough to communicate on even the most basic emotional level. She could hear Binky’s thoughts, but considering he was a shallow pool and she was a dry well there wasn‘t much witty dialog filtering around like a butterfly in the sky. Diamond Tiara briefly wondered why Binky didn’t talk to himself like a normal crazy person so she wouldn’t be alone anymore when she involuntarily gasped.

‘I got it!’ Binky’s excitement was contagious, even if it was short lived when he started projecting his thoughts again ‘Fun ways to die. So many fun ways to die… fun ways to dye aye-eye, so many fun ways to die!’ Binky continued to sing this song to himself as Diamond rolled her eyes with a resigned grimace. She’d be laughing hysterically if she could. one thing was certain about her final thoughts before the facsimile of death claimed her…or at the very least let her go. What she was thinking started with an F and ended with U. The only thing worse than the song was the imagery accompanying it...

Author's Note:

Not much to say, this story will continue indefinitely. But first, I probably should probably clean up Applebloom 1/2 and write up another chapter for Seduction of the innocent.