A Certain Unremarkable Sparkle In Equestria {An anthology of bad ideas...}

by Bumblebee Tuner

Binky's Friend Chapter 4

Binky’s Friend
Chapter 4
From Street 2 Slick

“So, Diamond…” Scootaloo had to ask, especially now that the three ponies had left the schoolhouse when lessons had ended for the day. Apple Bloom had actually stayed behind for detention. And, strangely enough, had to remind Ms. Cheerilee what she was there for. Sweetie Belle, out of a misplaced concern in her friend, insisted on waiting for Apple Bloom in the schoolyard’s playground. It wasn't an altogether remarkable playground, especially in light of the grey overcast skies. The mournful song of rusted swing set combined with the otherworldly warble of oddly named canadian geese were the only sound that could be heard outside the clamoring din, if not thunderous roll, of playful hoof-steps as the foals who had recently escaped their orthodox prison before heading home.

Meanwhile Screwball, that is to say the all mighty god Binky was wearing Diamond’s Body like a prophylactic, at least until he recovered from whatever blight his late regalia singed him with as s/he started trotting off in the direction of Sugarcube Corner. At this point there was no doubt in Scootaloo’s mind that the anthropomorphic personification of death intended to take advantage of Diamond Tiara’s sweet tooth, taste buds, and endless bank account for some treats.

“How exactly did you meet Binky? I mean he doesn’t just grant wishes to anyone out of charity.” Technically, he wasn’t violating the ‘literal spirit’ of Diamond Tiara’s wish, as detention meant the school day wouldn’t end for her until Cheerilee released Apple Bloom from their punishment of shared intention. And, in all honesty, Diamond could have just gone home, fallen asleep, and forgotten that the school day had ever happened, even if that meant Diamond was technically cutting class… or that she’d have no idea how sinfully Binky was using her body. Especially if he intended to use it as a track suit.

Not that it was a particularly major concern considering Binky was only about as evil and demonic as Fluttershy’s little Angel. But, if there was a fine line between right and wrong for the anthropomorphic personification of death, using or violating some pony’s body like a meat puppet without their full or conscious consent had to be pretty evil. Then again, being the embodiment of death by disease, sub heading suicide, among other forms of morbidity meant that he was in opposition to all that lived anyway. So, death was technically evil incarnate by virtue that his existence was the literal opposite of what it means to live.

“Unless Screwball over here-” Diamond Glared, with a look that did everything in its power to shoot daggers, at the thing that was currently in possession of her body while keeping stepping time with Scootaloo behind said screwball. “is that same perverted crackerjack I caught playing with a factory reject dildo by the train tracks this morning, I have no idea.” Now that she thought about it, she really didn't have many clear memories of this mornings events. It was almost as if a fugue was clouding the memory from her full conscious awareness.

“That was not a dildo, that was my new Testara.” Screwball, that is to say the pony formerly known as Binky corrected her ungrateful host. “Do you have any idea how hard it was to find a parasprite I could use as a weapon on such short notice. It‘s not like I had access to my blessed vessel. She was busy trying to get her homicider cutie mark or something.”

“For the last time jerkface, I am not your blessed vessel. I could barely stand being your exemplar. And, put your tail down people can see your hooch!” Scootaloo complained.

“Aww, but I thought You liked that. Don’t you?” Screwball purred mockingly.

“Would you two kindly shut up and pay attention to me?” the three legged specter of Diamond Tiara whined.

“ Oh, Heaven forbid anyone ever stop doing that for two minutes.” Scootaloo muttered. . . “wait, you mean that nubby little circlet you were wearing in the everfree forest the other night was- BWAH HA HA HA HA it really is a factory reject dildo.”

“Her name is Twist and she’s twice the Regalia you’ll ever be. Besides, you‘d be surprised how useful a blackjack with a rubber strap can be. ” Screwball huffed.

“Oh My God, I knew it! Where is she now, is she hiding in the dumpster behind Sugarcube Corner?”

“No” Binky was offended “I’m not that cruel. If she’s smart then she’ll still be waiting for me in that booth I left her in five hours ago.”

“You left her there alone for five hours!? You’re insane. You do realize no one can see her. Right? I mean unless you resurrected her body or made her a new one she’s still just a ghost.” Scootaloo jogged up to match pace with her former patron/dependent so that she was shoulder to shoulder with the screwball. This action was taken so that she could give the body snatcher a piece of her mind.

“Well maybe you should have thought of that before you murdered her!” Binky‘s voice dripping with sarcasm. “Besides, she’s so out of it she couldn’t even recognize her reflection at this point.”

“Of course she’s out of it. She’s a ghost with a head injury. I‘d be stupefied too.” Scootaloo stated with venom.

“Damnit! What the hay are you two filly’s talking about? And would you quit ignoring me!” Diamond Tiara growled as she chased after the two mischief makers trotting up the steps to the entrance of Sugarcube Corner while in the middle of what appeared to be a lover‘s quarrel.

"Hyperacusis." Binky stated with a solemn emotional apathy and dispassionate tone. Diamond wasn't sure Binky had answered her question. The response was given in such a way; as the the tavernas gingerbread styled, olde-world modeled, barn door was opened by the screwball with a heart of gold (simultaneously highlighting one of the most architecturally striking features of Sugarcube corner while reminding Tiara that her body had been commandeered by a self proclaimed god of ill repute) using a less than ambidextrous preference for Diamond Tiara's left arm to open the door while creating a distressed whine accompanied by the ting of a bell intended to direct the attention of anyone beyond the reach of the bakery's service counter; that other ponies in the immediate weren't entirely sure Binky had had addressed them. As the three ponies entered the sweet shoppe, consisting of one machine turned homunculus, one helhest of a spectral apparition, and a god in possession of the latter's physical form with maxed out charisma stats and a full compliment of legs; they headed for a booth at the other end of the storefront.

If there was a word taxidermists used that could describe a living corpse, other than carcass, zombie, golem, or manikin, this would aptly describe the body was being manipulated and puppeteered by Binky. For Twist there was no need for a marshmallow test to hold her attention, her blank, open mouthed, glassy eyed expression and the ectoplasmic drool dripping from her maw said it all. If Binky had fingers s/he'd probably be snapping them to bring Twist out of her stuporous if not vacant expression. "Yep. Smarter than a bag of hammers."

"What the hay is wrong with her?" Diamond asked as she looked back and forth between Binky and Scootaloo the orange pegasus just kind of shrugged and vaguely made an 'idunno sound.

"Well, I tried to pattern her personality after that kid from two stupid dogs... you know that one cartoon with Secret Squirrel. But she must of recovered some of her memories and cancelled out the spell."Binky Started. "We came at a good time, she probably spent most of that time screaming her head off, and now she's just recovering from the shock."

"Please tell me you patterned my personality after Rainbow Dash." Scootaloo had a sly look on her face.

"Who?" Binky asked. "More to the point do you even have a personality?"

"What the hay are you two talking 'bout? neither of you are making any Celestia-damned sense when you speak. It's like listening to an old married couple arguing in Applenese." Diamond queried. It wasn't like she was mining for information, just a point of reference so she could make some sense out of the nonsense.

"YOU VILE URCHIN!" A glimmer of life and passion returned to Twist momentarily as she lifted her arm and pointed an accusing hoof at Scootaloo."YOU KNEW THIS $#@7 WOULD HAPPEN AND SAID NOTHING!"

"Well, If it makes you feel better the girls and I learned a whole lot about Taxidermy." Scootaloo laughed nervously. "And being friends with death has benefits."

"Oh, good. She's awake." Binky smiled as he waved his or rather Diamond Tiara's pole arm in front of Twistaloo's face to gather her attention like Pinkie Pie on a sugar high. "Good morning precious, welcome back to the land of the living...impaired. My name's Binky, this here is Tramp Stamp-"

"Hey!" Diamond Tiara interjected.

"-and you already know Scootaloo." Binky finished "Now, if you don't mind scooting over a bit, I'm going to order some milkshakes and hayburgers. Jus' let me know if you want anything."

"You better not be using my credit card!" If the venom in Diamond's voice could kill the anthropomorphic embodiment of death, he'd probably respawn in a matter of moments. Especially given how upset Luna was about her recent discovery of all the ponies that died from their nightmares while she was interred on the moon... Although not technically responsible for those deaths, Binky was present when many of those ponies fell victim to the self-fulfilling prophecy of their own death wish. Which, was just another reason to hate him beyond the 'it follows' virus.

"Listen 'Tramp.' Just have a seat, shut your yap, and enjoy the show." Scootaloo pushed Diamond into the open seat, in the booth, opposite Twist with her big fat butt (Scootaloo's butt being the object of Diamond's ridicule) as the pegasus herself sat opposite Binky. Binky, who was currently looking over a menu that had been coated in Twist's ectoplasmic drool, mulled over the selection with as much care as one would expect of a demonic entity who hadn't eaten for two days. If Diamond Tiara had teeth she'd be grinding them as she glared at Binky with a withering glance so smoldering it could melt a hole through a looking glass. And, While It didn't seem to bother Scootaloo at all, with how quickly she fell into line with switching roles between being Binky's enforcer and Diamond Tiara's wayward bodyguard(or vice-versa), the later felt the sting of betrayal immediately.

"Cheez-its and honey, would you quit staring at me like that DT. It's kind of annoying." Binky looked up from his/her menu to give Diamond a piece of his/her mind.

"-oh.OH! It's making you uncomfortable!? Well, 'You know what else is uncomfortable!? Some-pony stealing your body in the middle of a F@%King math lesson you F@%king screwball." Diamond Tiara hissed in seething rage.

Binky started to respond "Buh-di-b-di-b-di-b-di-b-di-b-di" Binky then dropped the menu with her left hoof, grabbed her right arm, and seemingly wrestled it away from her face before wedging it behind her neck and holding it in place with the muscles of her neck meats. "Riiiiiight, I'm sensing a lot of hostility and pent up anger coming from you." Binky stated. Simultaneously ending her momentary porky pig like motorboat imitation, with an impromptu face flap, before wiggling her face awkwardly as she rubbed her new muzzle with nonchalant vigor "And, honestly, it's making me kind of uncomfortable."

"Ha! Everything's got to be about you, huh?" Scootaloo clearly found the situation mildly amusing.

"I know, right. Talk about vain." Screwball put her right arm down, ecstatic she was agreeing with Scootaloo about something for a change. Then, after taking a moment to look at Diamond "No wonder you don't have a boyfriend. And You,"Binky was now looking into the sole of her foot, fork in her left hand ready to strike as she appeared to be arguing with her idle hand "Don't make me stab you with a fork. Because I will cut you. "

"WHAT!?" Diamond asked. As if having a boyfriend was relevant at the moment. "Don't you Dare patronize me YOU F@$king cun-mmmrph" only to have her ranting muffled by Scootaloo.

"Don't bother, he can't hear you right now. He's in his own little world. Besides, I doubt there's a censor for that yet." Scootaloo commented.

"Conniving needs a censor?" Diamond asked.

"See what we did there?" Scootaloo smiled.

Binky then turned to address Twistaloo "So, Twist, anything happen while I was gone?"

"I-ah, I was looking out the window. Down the street, you know? When, all of a sudden I noticed this strange filly just staring back at me..."

"Was it the barista? 'cause under normal circumstances most ponies can't see apparitions." Binky appeared bothered. But, if anyone could see a ghost haunting Sugarcube Corner, Binky would lay even money that it was Pinkie Pie. "Are you sure she was looking at you?"

"Yep. She was looking at me dead in the eyes!" Twist stated morosely.

"Well, what did she look like?" Binky asked.

"She was about my age, I guess, with fluffy red cotton candy hair, big purple eyes, she was wearing a yellow beanie, and looked very cuddly." Twist used the executive function of her full cognitive resources to remember as many details about the strange filly as she possibly could.

"Wait." Binky took the yellow beanie with a green propeller off Twistaloo's head and placed it on her own head. "Now. Where exactly did you see this person?"

"I don't know... I was just staring out the window when all of a sudden-" Twist was cut off when Binky shooshed her regalia with the sole of her right hoof.

Binky then proceeded to face-hoof with the palm of her left. "That was a reflection you nimrod."

"Binks,' Remind me again why I have to be here?" Scootaloo leveled Binky with a half lidded stare.

"You're here because I needed some-pony remotely intelligent to talk too." Binky then looked away hoping Pinkie Pie would notice them out the corner of her eye, show up, and take their order.

"Ha ha, hi Tiara! When did you get here?" Twist asked as if she just noticed Diamond Tiara for the first time... even though she had been sitting across from Twistaloo the entire time. "Hey! Has anyone else seen Tramp Stamp?" Twistaloo asked as she looked around the Sugarcube Corner to see if she could catch a glimpse of the pony Binky had introduced her to not minutes before.

"Um, I think she went to the bathroom." Scootaloo mentioned.

"Well, I hope your happy Scootaloo." Binky scoffed. "This is what I'm stuck with now- I'll have you know this is your fault." Binky Accused his former exemplar.

"My fault!" Scootaloo was livid.

"Yeah, __all__ your fault." Binky almost felt shame."If some-pony wasn't so obsessed with their new girlfriend-"

"You said you needed a new regalia! right? And, you said you could make them from spirits. All I wanted was a little freedom." Scootaloo whined.

"Twitter-mite spirits not para-sprite spirits you idiot. Does Twist look like she's- oh nevermind. " Binky steamed.

"Parasprite what now?" Diamond asked "You mean those bugs that tore up the Ponyville a few seasons back."

"Yeah, that was a really bad day in Saddle Arabia. But, in all fairness, Miss Glimmer would not shut up. And the Kool-aid was all kinds of awesome." Binky replied.

"I was only trying to help!" Scootaloo cried. "I didn't know Sweetie Belle would-"

"You know what else would have helped, sweetheart. You not helping." Binky returned his attention to Scootaloo. "And, because of that, I was forced to take on this factory reject dildo as my regalia." Binky gestured to indicate Twistaloo. "Not to mention DT hardly qualifies as a tracksuit, much less paladin material."

"Hey, Diamond." Twist prodded Diamond Tiara with her concerned address.

"Yeah?" Tiara wasn't entirely sure how to respond.

"What's a Dildo?" Twistaloo asked.

Author's Note: