A Certain Unremarkable Sparkle In Equestria {An anthology of bad ideas...}

by Bumblebee Tuner

Hyperacusis

Binky’s Friend
Chapter 6
Hyperacusis

There was enough food to feed a small army laid out before the four fillies gathered around the booth in the far corner of the bakery, emphasis on was. This small feat had won Diamond Tiara and Scootaloo a Polaroid photo and Sugarcube Corner’s posthumously named screwball award. Naturally, the feat would have been quite impressive if the two foals had actually pulled it off without cheating; not that they could actually explain the cause of their ravenous hunger without sounding a bit loony toons. After all, who would want to believe Sugarcube Corner was haunted by a pair of extra celestial apparitions? It was bad enough the two cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eaters were so high on sugar and absinthe that patrons entering the facility practically wondered why Pinkie Pie used it to make licorice in the first place… not that she’d gotten many complaints about her brownies or specialty muffins, but the children giggling in the back of the store were barely coherent; not to mention inconsolably delirious if not arguably psychotic. Metaphorically speaking, if one didn’t know better they might assume the winners of the screwball award were suffering recovery sickness from the use of pot after being slain by sharpness two.

One could hardly classify the repast at Sugarcube Corner fine dining, but between Binky and Diamond Tiara’s credit card the mare working the floor of the sweet shop made it possible. For the savory, mint chocolate mousse. For the cold appetizer, éclairs imported from Buckarrest. For the hot appetizer, apple pie brown betty brownies. For the intermezzo prickly pear sorbet, made with the juiciest nopalea in all of equestira. When the main course consisting of a three layered red velvet chiffon with pumpkin cream icing and double stuffed chocolate ganache disappeared faster than you can say pega-sister, a desert consisting of truffles in amethyst fondant made with real magic mushrooms was bound to be a major treat. The orange soda, whose ginger bug was fermented with frogs from Twilight’s caracara, made the incredibly edible licorice straws and candy glass tumblers immaterial. A true shock considering the flavor of the beverage was closer to mead mixed with sake than orange flavored ginger ale. Then again the chaser, consisting of a hot fudge Sunday with maraschino cherries and grenadine syrup, certainly made up for any missing calories the girls needed to wake the dead with ear piercing squeals of delight.

The specter of Diamond Tiara unwillingly footing the bill for this repast, as the anthropomorphic embodiment of death used her corporeal form to engage in a wild and drunken revelry, abstained from waxing her palate with anything more than the backwash of liquorish dew-shine passing itself off as coqui-cola.

“Why the hell aren’t you eating anything?” The mycelial parasite currently occupying Diamond’s body asked. That is to say Binky, the intellent virus, seemed to finally notice his host was not enjoying much of anything.

“And deprive you of your final meal? You scheming, dirty, rotten, thieving, lying, no-good, butt-faced god. I perish the thought.” Diamond replied. If anypony else could have seen her they might have noticed a slight sneer if not carrion eating look.

“Whatever, Fatty McFatting-ton. Just remember it’s your face not mine.” Binky huffed as she stuffed another cupcake in her mouth… “OW! Farking stained lass muffin.” ,,Binky whimpered and whined ad werf surf-tribble-ing quite interrigible conshidering her mowf waf foo of grass.’’

“Damn-it Binks quit narrating with your mouth full!” Scootaloo was clearly annoyed as she shoved Binky‘s face into a conveniently located banana cream pie with a splat. How she managed to sneak up behind him was a matter of public record seeing as she left the corner stall of the little filly’s room, with bidets and hipponese toilets, without washing her graspers. Sadly, Binky’s face was only an ungodly mess for half a second as the anthropomorphic embodiment of death managed to stretch Diamond Tiara’s tongue like a vine lick her face clean with a fruit by the foot.

“Wow!” Twistaloo was in awe. “That’s so romantic, you two must really like each other.” No, that wasn’t sarcasm. Apparently Twistaloo’s less than spectacular resurrection was accompanied with some form of delusional metta-cognitive autism that left her completely oblivious to harmful pranks or backhanded compliments.

Naturally, this statement received a dull, shocked, and an ‘OMG is she that bleating stupid’ look from the other fillies at the table accompanied by a seemingly hollow “What!?” that reverberated with the echo of two voices and a nervous laugh.

“Well, what I mean is… you guys are always fighting, threatening each others lives, and collectively ignoring me. That’s love, Right?” Twistaloo was momentarily confused when Diamond face-hoofed in pity or sympathy before DT momentarily wondered why she was surrounded by idiots. Granted, that last bit wasn’t really stated out loud, that was just an impression Binky observed and inferred from what little he knew of the stalwart snark invader.

“Uuuuuuhm, not exactly.” Scootaloo started-

“You mean my parents weren’t in love then?” Twistaloo asked having momentarily recovered some memory of her previous life, albeit lacking depth and range of cognitive complexity when observed through rose colored lenses.

Scootaloo wasn’t certain whether or not she should be more concerned for Twist or Binky. All of a sudden Scootaloo felt a thump, like a heartbeat.

“GASP! I felt that you little pervert.” Binky grumbled in accusatory tone that sounded like he was going to knock some-pony upside the head. Not to mention this was spoken rather clearly. Especially considering Binky had a candy-apple lollipop in his mouth, and not the kind typically used as a tongue depressant, nor was it your average jaw breaker on a stick as the case may be, but the green lolly was one of the really kinky kinds of suckers that resembled a tootsie pop with the Cadbury, bon-bon, cordial, cherry, or caramel cream filling.

“Wait, I didn’t-” Scootaloo stopped. It only took Scootaloo a moment to realize Binky must have screwed up when severing their link. Given the delivery god’s record of service; incompetence was par for the course. It might also explain why the loyalties of her conscious ego state seemed to flip-flop on occasion, like between entering Sugarcube Corner and sitting down at the table. Then again, Diamond wasn’t exactly the best of frienemies on her worst days and it wasn’t like she owed Diamond Tiara any allegiance or stewardship beyond the assistance she offered her classmate earlier.

“Not you, her.” Binky pointed indicating Twist with a withering glare. Then, with the almighty force of exposition Binky explained the situation for those less than enlightened with gusto. “Anything Twist feels backlashes on to me, you know?’

“Cool! So if I pinch myself would you feel it?” Twist seemed rather excited to experiment with the limits of her new found power over the almighty god Binky. Like a cat that discovered canaries for the first time, she picked up a peppermint stick and shoved it up her nose so see if poking her brain like a piñata would give her any bright ideas. She had momentarily considered sticking the peppermint stick in one of her ears, but immediately dismissed that idea out of grasp because she wouldn’t be able to see what she was doing.

“If I punch her in the face would you feel it?” Diamond Tiara smirked with a determined look accompanied by an' evil grin as she momentarily contemplated her revenge, then almost felt guilty about it as she stole a glance towards Twistaloo. A being that seemed completely oblivious as she used a peppermint stick to pick at the inside of her nose while a bubble formed out the other nostril. Diamond almost felt guilty. But, the thought of retributive justice was one too enticing to pass up, especially after she watched Twist pull the pepermint stick out of her nose covered in slime with a daffy cross eyed look on her face, as if she’d discovered the last bit of gold on the planet.

Binky gave Diamond Tiara a half lidded stare “No! No-pony’s punching anyone. And-” Binks then pulled the lollypop out of his mouth and pointed it like the accusing wand of a conductor towards his first chair “FOR THE LOVE OF CANDYCANES, Get that stupid thing out of your mouth! You’ll get a staff infection you daffy horse’s asp.” Binky, currently occupying Diamond’s physical body and using it like a track suit, was of course referring to the poisonous snake as she proceeded to wrestle the peppermint stick out of Twist’s grasp.

“**GASP** you can’t say Ass! You’re not even a donkey.” Came a horrified voice from over by the cash register as another customer made an even more shocking revelation. “The other one didn’t even wash her hooves before leaving the bathroom.” more hushed whispers shortly followed a third exclamation of “The tramps!” Of course since no one could actually see Twistaloo, lacking a physical body and all, it appeared for all intents and purposes that Diamond Tiara was humping or grinding on the leg of a chair, while wearing a beanie, and gesticulating with a peppermint stick and had a rather phallic lollipop in her mouth. Fortunately, the real Diamond Tiara lacked the imagination or cognitive complexity to perceive this or she would be mortified. Instead she was wearing an impish grin as she watched the two earth ponies wrestle.

“Uh, boss…” Scootaloo ventured, despite knowing Binky was preoccupied. Under normal circumstances the anthropomorphic embodiment of death and his imperial arms (weapons that is) would go completely unnoticed unless they chose to interact within the confines of a niche group or appear out the corner of one’s eye. By their very nature as Djinn they should have been imperceptible to the naked eye unless the other person was magically gifted or extremely depressed to the point of being irritable or in pain. Which, given the nature of the dirty looks directed towards the Stalwart Snark Invaders, pretty much certified their audience was not in the best frame of mind. The whispers then seemed to stop as Sugarcube Corner fell into a void of silence so hollow you could hear a pin drop.

The silence, however, was short lived as the ‘hot crossed buns rendition of work your twerking as performed by the dust bunny space men and Thrackerzod’ ring tone could be heard clear as day accompanied by “You like that don’t you-” and followed shortly by “Hullo! You’ve reached the awl mighty God Binky…alright…alright…okay.” Binky had seemingly pulled a red compact out of subspace and was talking into it after the brief instrumental. He then looked at Twist, who was in a prone, supine, missionary position beneath her god and - “Twist, we’re gone!” looking at Scootaloo “Scuttlebutt, escort McFattington here to-”

“Call me McFattington again,” Enough was enough. And, Diamond wasn’t going to put up with this clown anymore as Binky started to wink out of the way of her assault, for lack of a better term, with a hastily prepared teleport.

“Oh no ya don’t! You’re not ditching me here with-.” Scootaloo complained indicating the harsh glares of the customers as she dog piled onto the teleport. Something about being a spectral apparition made the speed of light much closer to a snails pace, or at the very least closer to the speed of sound.

Simultaneous cries of “Them” and “I dare you!” rang out as the four fillies magically flashed back into existence in a park plaza somewhere in Canterlot proper. Diamond wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t part of Celestia’s private garden.

“WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE SO HEAVY!” Binky complained as he was feeling both the weight of everyone on top of him and the weight of everyone on top of Twist.

“We all Just ate, you moron.” Diamond huffed, but managed to break free of the encumbrance of Scootaloo and Binky. If she didn’t know better she could have sworn Scootaloo intended to give her a black eye.

“Some of us more than others McFattington. What did you think would happen?” Scootaloo growled as she untangled herself from Diamond Tiara and Twist.

“Again!!! Again!” Twist certainly seemed to be enjoying herself like a toddler as she clapped her fore hooves together excitedly.

The fillies then quickly found themselves surrounded on all sides by guard.

“Damn! I knew this was a setup!” Binky farted, because he really was a butt faced god.

“Well, I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree-”came a crisp clear voice from the shadows.

“Oh no, anyone but her.” Binky whined as his eyes opened wide enough to be filled by the light of the moon.

“Could it be?” Diamond asked her voice filled with awe.

“Hashtag learning, hastag wisdom, tweet, and trending…” the voice continued.

“Ooh Pretty!” Were the only words that came to Twist’s mind in that moment.

“!” Scootaloo’s tank instincts kicked in as she rushed forward to draw fire “Oh dear God she’s finally gone cray-cray… again.” Scootaloo definitely knew a sick smile when she saw one.

“Yes, Someone spare us from the anachronistic slang baby’s kick.” Binky grumbled. “Who are you supposed to be anyway, my mommy?” he asked their patron defiantly.

“Such a godly aura!” Diamond Tiara felt moved to bow before Princess Luna as deeply as she could on three legs

“So Shiney!” Twist commented on Luna’s appearance, evidently cut to the teeth in her armor, as she did likewise and bowed before the great lady of the evening.

“Hey! I’m right here you know. I don’t see you groveling at my feet.” Binky complained.

“Yeah. Well- Fake god’s don’t count, looser.” Diamond Tiara commented.

“Indeed, it is pressing. To be such a popular God with SOOO many followers to please.” Princess Luna then smirked evilly.

“Eh oh, I think some-pony’s in trouble” Twist commented.

“Why did you summon me here?” Binky asked indignantly.

“Oh yes, about that…” Luna began. It was only then that Diamond looked up as she realized Binky was still wearing her body.

Author's Note:

A/N: Thankfully we're almost at a point where I can fill in more original content. I was originally going to use Fancy Pants instead of Princess Luna as the sub to Lord Tenjin but Wanderer D pointed out that lords and wealth are not of simmilar status. Even though I'm pretty sure Peerage can be purchased in a fantasy setting based on comics like Doonesbury, I didn't want to have to concern myself with creating much backstory for shallow characters who act as a deus ex machina. Not that Luna is a shallow character, but as this is a parody of a parody, within parody, I figured you can't have too many levels of inception or you'll forget the theme entirely... which has to do with loyalty to a tyrant, narcissistic grandiosity, being delusional, and other fun things like that. Also I will get to Parasyte eventually and I'm still definately substituting Bishamonton (god of war) with Fluttershy and have designs on a parasyte possessed Angel Bunny, after all something needs to go after Twist's kidney. And, Vinyl is subbing for Kofuku (god of poverty) and Octavia will be her regalia (the battle fan, but if anyone can give a good argument or suggestions for blunt force wub I'm all ears)