Major Tyler Garren goes through a portal while on a mission. On accident he has injured Rarity. Now the ponies are after him. He is put in a dungeon below Canterlot and meets a pony who claims he can help him escape. WIll he be able to make it back to earth in one piece?
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Sound good as a premise, looking forward to how it unfolds...
....Just end the first episode, interesting... looking forward for more...
As your first fanfic, any error is understandable, it's an interesting concept and it seems like it has very much promise, I'm also glad that you're using its original name: the M-82, instead of some CoD fanboy calling it the Barrett 50. Cal. Only a couple problems, however.
-I've held an M-82 Sniper Rifle myself, and that is enough to know that the weapon is extremely heavy, about 20+ pounds, around the same weight as a Browning Automatic Rifle or M-249 Squad Automatic Weapon (SAW) Light Machine Gun, both of which are usually fired from either the hip or in a prone position. How he is able to carry it with such ease is a bit odd.
-The M-82 is also one of the most powerful small-arms ever built, and, mainly because of the size of the round, the gun has an extremely powerful kick, unless this guy has shoulders made of solid gold, I don't understand how he doesn't suffer any pain from that, as well as the fact that hip-firing the thing would most likely throw it out of your hands.
-The End was a fictional character in MGS3, any real sniper in any military almost always has a spotter.
There are a few more errors, but that's what I have so far, I'll look into the other ones.
Please, continue though
its alright... if a tad generic
Decent so far, will hold out on an opinion until I read more.
I demand to see more. won't give review untill i see the rest.
Ok. I don't get it. Why are so many brony authors giving Celestia such a negative additude towards humans? This Celestia, she's above such crap. First she check to see if Rarity's injury was an accident or not. either way she would be very careful in her judgement. I don't see her condemning the man because he's human.
The gun parts are so inaccurate that they make me want to cough up blood.
646610 Yeah I saw it weighed like 30 something pounds, but I was almost at end of the story. I considered going back and having him leave it behind somewhere, but he will need it later on. It does seem kinda dumb though, him sprinting with a 30 pound gun, his gear and his pack.
646610
I agree...
646926
Ok, if he shot Rarity with a fricken .50 wouldn't she be dead? I mean she is probubly in two pieces right now, and also for my story I have the main charecter with a modified M40A5 that uses the .338 lapua magnum round, you might want to change it to use a smaller round, i mean if he was originaly shooting 450 yard he could easily be using the MK11 or an M-14 sniper system. Ok, I'm not a sniper, I'm not even in the military but I do know alot about snipers and he would probubly be packing the .50 if he were shooting at light armoured targets,structers, a helo, or a jet from 450 yards seeing as the other rounds wouldn't be able to tackle those. Hope I've been helpful...
646926
Right, and, like Akkura said, a target that's only about 450 yards away should only be fired at with an MK11 or M-14 sniper system. Guns like the M-82 and M-200 Intervention are fired from much longer ranges, some going up to 1000 yards. Also, snipers don't use the range-card, you usually have a spotter using binoculars or a laser-rangefinder to find the range of a target. Unless you're The End from Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, you're gonna be firing some sloppy shots.
I've been to an event that allows you to hold some of the weapons used by some countries' armed forces, I held both an M-240 and M-249 SAW, as well as several sniper rifles, there was an M-82, and because it was so heavy, it was mounted on the ground. Snipers move very slowly due to the weight of their weapons (Sniper Rifles are some of the heaviest conventional firearms ever built), and, not to mention, the shaggy guillie suit also causes sight and movement problems, so, with the inhibiting ghillie suit and a thirty-pound rifle, I don't see him moving very fast.
I'm not being offensive when I say this, but it seems that you just played a lot of Call of Duty and you just wrote this based off that. Unless it's purposefully based off of it, you want to do some real research before getting things like this done...
When I read the title, I half-expected this guy:
wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/b/ba/Bloke%27s_Bucket_Hat.png/250px-Bloke%27s_Bucket_Hat.png
...I'll just go away now.
647124 yeah pretty much that, bf3 and wikipedia to find out what round it uses. oh well, ill have to read up b4 next chapter.
Good story man, make sure to post more!
please please please, if you have any military questions, get the facts right, or ask me. This may or may not be but, it seems as if ur military knowledge is based around video games. Too many times of people doing this.
646610 Well, I only have an answer to your first question, about how he carried it without any problems. He probably trained to carry such a large weight in boot camp, where I heard they make you carry 160+ pounds and run about 2 miles. This is just info I gathered from other fanfics, so I have no idea if that is what they really do in boot camp. But still, I just gave a legitimate answer.
I read the story. so here's my thoughts.
1) The Mane 6 are coming across as too aggressive. Yes, i know Rarity got hurt, but i can't see them attacking a human on a whim. I see Celestia as giving Garren a chance to explain himself. If she has detailed knowledge about us which seems to be the case here, then she know we humans aren't cold hearted barbarians.
2) The Major is a trained professional and a sniper too boot. Snipers pride themselves on their accuracy and markmenship, using their brains. so the notion of Garren firing randomly doesn't sit well with me. They pride themselves on maintaining fire discipline while firing their weapons and shooting their bullets in tight groups and remaining cool under pressure.
3) As a trained professional Garren wouldn't have fired his M-82 (Which is designed to take out vehicles, IIRC) unless he absolutely sure Rarity was real threat.
Major seems to be too high of a rank... I mean, that's equivalent to a naval Lieutenant Commander. I would think a NCO rank would suit it better, but it's up to you.
In addition, a .50BMG round would probably have killed Rarity, seeing as smaller calibre rounds such as 5.56 or 7.62 can cause quite a lot of damage to a human. I would also suggest removing the M82 completely and just use a SR25 or some other 7.62x51 sniper rifle or even designated marksman rifle.
Hope this helps ^_^
I've also come back to point out a few more flaws that go more in-depth with the last two commenters.
-How is he firing random shots behind him? The M-82, especially when fired with a .50 BMG, would most likely break your wrists if it's fired like that.
-At a Major, he would seem to be a seasoned veteran, but he acts more like a foot-soldier that picked up an M-82 than a legitimate sniper.
-Like several have said, a .50 Caliber BMG round would most likely tear Rarity in half...
-Like White Wolf said, the M-82 is usually used to take out vehicles, so, the round usually used for it would be a .50 Caliber High-Explosive Round.
-Especially when they're not even a quarter of a mile away, you don't use such a powerful round, let alone the massive M-82 itself, to take out a human target, that would usually be a job done with the M-200 Intervention, and, like the round that gun usually uses, a 7.62 millimeter round, not the .50.
-Also, usually, that's a very short range, and the normal rifle soldiers may use at that would be something like the M-14 Enhanced Battle Rifle (EBR), because the Avtomat Kalashnikova-47 (Fancy Russian term for "AK-47") has a maximum semi-automatic range of 400 meters, even an outdated rifle, for example, the M1 Garand, has a range of 1,000 yards, the M-82 is a rifle used to take out targets sometimes at a full mile away, so why does he use that?
-A lot of these ponies seem quite out of character, the Mane Six especially, also, Princess Celestia would still show some compassion and ask why he shot Rarity, and not be disgusted by the fact he's a human (She's very friendly and very diplomatic, so she's very welcoming of all species, races, and so on).
That's all I have for now, though, still, continue!
Please don't take what we're saying as an attack, no sh*t sherlock. We're just help you to create a better story.
My advice to you is to get some military books or vist websites like this one http://world.guns.ru/shotgun/it/franchi-spas-12-e.html
It has lots of info that help you create a more believable story.
Also what branch of service is Garren? Army? Marine? Air Force?, Navy? Coast Guard?
well he is screwed
649084
Do you mean the character or the author?
Ok, 'evil' human transported from the past. I'll stay to see where this goes.
I demand moar dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Fluttershy.png
649044 I'm not. I'm happier that most of you guys are giving me pointers on how to make it better, than just bitching about what I screwed up.
649209 the character
651536
Good.
Oh another helpful advice. As we know Garren is military, so there for he's highly trained in hand to hand combat and evasion skills. So i highly doubt that Applejack's hind kick(I'm guessing that's what she's doing since we see her do that lot in the TV series) would have landed.
*Mimics Dashie's voice* Get to rewritten and use what we gave you.
651536 are you writing more or not
691893 yeah
692836 ok thanks just wondering
696660 its just im in Florida right now and im kinda not in the mood to write, but we have to drive back so ill have plenty of time in the car. plus i got alot of mixed reactions and it dampened my spirit.
697367 lol no im good
696715
You'll recover.
I still believe this story holds promise. It just needs some tweaking, is all.
ok so to all who care, i got back home yesterday and started writing. Should be up pretty soon. Im not sure you'll like what i do to it but its just an idea I had in my head.
Been waiting FOREVERRRRRRR for the next chapter!
Where ya been man?
Much better.
Hmmm, Time Fire? Immortal pony like Celestia and Luna, perhaps? Would explain a lot since Twilight Sparkle is her current.
755359 lol sorry. I posted the first chapter right before my school let out so i was going to a couple parties and then i went to Florida for nine days so i wasnt really focused. ill promise to be more speedy.
aha~ finally out
a few grammatical errors here and there, but looking good! Love how you managed to pull off out-of-character ponies by the interference of human emotions. I await the next chapter!
Cant wait to seevhow he getdc out og this
I like this Negative Emotion angle you put forth, Sherlock. It'll be interesting to se how Celelstia and the Equestrians handle it. I suggest Sorta like Some ponies can handle it, others have more difficulty approach. Celestia's Capt for example: I can see him getting getting less caring about what orders Celestia gives him. So if Celestia says like: Buck him in the stomach. He does it. Or Celestia becomes more Tyrant when dealing with outsiders. before finally coming to her sense. Of course then the ponies deal with a new emotion: Guilt and remorse over what they've done.
And that's where Garren gets his chance to make amends over what he's done.
I have come to the conclusion that this is alright.
Oh snap. This is getting good. Now memebase.com/wp-content/themes/vip/cheezcommon2/ragecomic/packs/neutralwords/images/LeaveMyPresence.png and make more.
Holy sh*t. over 1000 views.
WOW. good build up, Y U NO MAKE MORE!
t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRBFMlb8sBYngPAW3lN0CAqZyn2DsfqREkhflOtBnfrebOJYcNNPA
850534 didn't like it?
Love it.... but thars a shitstorm a brewin'.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png
Humans radiating negative emotions. Oh well, at least they aren't immune to magic. That is all.
Shit just got real... can't wait for the next chapter.
The idiots don't understand that it was an accident... I think.
I WANT MORE