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Back in the loop1,601 words

Back in the loop

Suddenly I shot my eyes open and groaned, I was on my back in pony form... what the hell happened?

I rolled my ass over and got up.

"The fuck?" I asked, there were fish swimming in the air... and the landscape was checkered...

"Discord..." I growled and walked forwards.

I looked to realise I was in a field...

"Where the...?" I asked, I looked ahead and saw... it was Celestia and Luna!

They were engaged in battle with some ponies...

I headed over and turned my wings into blades and jumped into the fray, cleaving apart a few enemies who dared hurt my girls, they had a crazed look in their eyes... definately Discord.

I cleaved apart a few more before a path to the sisters was clear.

"Hey girls! having fun?" I asked, as I smashed a pony's head into the floor, they looked amazed for a second.

"Bl...Blacklight?!" asked Celestia.

"Yep, the one and only." I replied.

"I thought you'd died! Discord said he'd killed you!" she exclaimed as we dodged hooves.

"Nope, why? how long was I gone?" I asked.

"1982 years..." she said... wow, they were 2000 years old.

"I... I'm so sorry..." I said... it must feel as though I abandoned them, it made me feel horrible.

"It's fine, I'm just glad you're back." she said and we stopped fighting for a second as we got a break and locked eyes before hugging, blood covering us and a couple scrapes and bruises.

"Blacklight!" exclaimed Luna and hugged me as Celestia let go, I noticed all the ponies were dead.

"What's the plan to get rid of Discord?" I asked as they cleaned themselves and me with magic.

"We... we failed... the castle was destroyed..." said Luna and both sisters hung their heads.

"So? a castle is a thing, I'm just glad both of you are safe." I smiled and we kept walking.

"We have a plan, but we could have used your knowledge to help, I suppose there would've been no point seeing you always were a lazy flank." smiled Celestia.

"You always had a fine flank..." I mumbled.

Suddenly a deep blush spread across her face.

"Hmm, what about poor old me?" asked Luna, who moved closer to me.

"Well, 'old' is not the word I'd 've used..." I said, what the hell was I doing? why was I flirting with two Alicorns?!

Two Alicorns I practically raised and birthed?!

Two Alicorns... who had grown into beautiful mares...

I shook my head and kept moving.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"The Tree of Harmony." said Celestia, it was then I also noticed her satchel, the Tree of Harmony? as in the Elements of Harmony? hang on, I remember reading about it...

We entered the Everfree and walked to a gorge, which we jumped down no problem.

There was a shiny cave in front of us as we landed.

"This it?" I asked.

"Yes." confirmed Celestia.

We entered the cave and I saw a crystalline tree, with what looked like the Elements at the end of each branch.

"The Tree of Harmony..." said Luna.

"Wow..." I said simply, truthfully I was unimpressed, I had read countless books on this tree.

Both sisters flew up, looking beautiful with their wings spread and against the light of the tree.

She cast her magic on the tree and the elements showed themselves…

"Are you sure?" asked Luna and flew up next to her sister while I jumped up and stood on a branch.

"We have managed to discover the only means by which we can defeat Discord and free the citizens of Equestria, even without these elements, the Tree of Harmony will possess a powerful magic, as long as that magic remains, it will continue to control and contain all that grows here." said Celestia and got the Elements.

"Good things!" I exclaimed and hopped back down.

"Indeed." smiled Celestia as they glided down

"Let's take care of him." I said.

"We are ready..." said Luna with a smile.

"Good, lets go." I said and we walked out.

I walked beside the sisters as we headed to Discord, apparently he was on a throne as well... the cheeky fucker...

"What happened anyway?" I asked.

"He... stole the throne out from under us... we failed in our duties, to you and our parents." said Celestia, almost in tears.

"No you didn't, I'm proud of you, and I know your parents would be to." I smiled at them.

"Really?" asked Luna.

"Yes, you've both acted accordingly rather than letting him walk all over you, you've both turned into the rulers we need, the kind that can fight for their kingdom." I said.

"Thank you." said Celestia and we locked eyes again... something about her eyes made me feel odd... same with Luna, but Luna wasn't one for eye contact so...

"Yes, that means a lot to us." smiled Luna and I nodded.

Suddenly I heard the laugh of what I can only assume is Discord...

"Oh, this is so much fun! how about a game of 'Pin the Tail on the Pony'?" asked Discord but seeing me stopped him.

"Evening." I said.

"Ah! Blacklight! I thought you were dead... you look good for dead." he said.

"Cut the shit Dizzy, I know you killed the King and Queen and you stole the throne from the Princesses." I said.

"Maybe..." he said.

"Playtime is over for you Discord!" said Celestia.

"Oh, I doubt it, I mean what can three Alicorns do to me? hungry?" he asked.

"Very, in fact I may just eat you." I threatened and he stopped in his tracks, distracted.

Suddenly the Elements were bared.

"Oh what's this?" he asked as they charged up

"You should see yourselves! So stoic" he said.

"Fuck you." I simply said as the sisters shot a beam, but it hit me instead and turned me into the beast again, I called it the Guardian, for it protected the peace in Equestria.

I roared and grabbed his throat, slamming him into the ground over and over, dazing him.

My tendrils started to dig into his body and slowly consume him.

"Wait!" shouted Celestia, I looked over to her.

"We have plans." said Luna and I retracted my tendrils and allowed the sisters to blast him as he burst out laughing, when the rainbow subsided he had turned to stone.

"Checkmate, motherfucker." I said and turned back into a pony.

"That was incredible!" exclaimed Luna.

"Yeah yeah, I have my own abilities." I waved her off.

"We should get back, we have built another castle in a different location." smiled Celestia.

"Of course, where is it?" I asked.

"In the Everfree forest." said Luna and we walked in, they knew the way by default and led me there.

"Wow, it looks amazing!" I said.

"Indeed! it has secret slides and traps that are fun to try and escape!" exclaimed Luna.

"I bet." I chuckled as we entered, it was dimly lit but a single wave of Celestia's horn fixed that, I saw a lever and saw it was attached to a trapdoor beneath the Princesses, I pulled it while whistling and I heard the terrified yet joyful screams of the sisters as they fell.

"Blacklight!" shouted Celestia.

"Yes?" I asked and peered into the hole.

"Would you mind letting us out?" asked Celestia.

"I dunno..." I said.

"Blacklight! we will get you back for this!" exclaimed Luna.

"I love you to Luna." I replied and walked away.

-2 hours later-

Hmm, they were down there a long time...

I went to check and saw the trapdoor closed.

I looked at it and suddenly I saw Luna pull the handle, while I wasn't standing there.

"Missed." I said and Luna shook her head as I felt to hooves push my flank.

"Oh balls." I said as I fell.

"We told you!" shouted Celestia, well I knew some tricks...

Anti-gravity spell? check.

I activated it and walked out, I deactivated it as I stepped on the original floor, Luna and Celestia were sprawled atop one another as they fell from the left wall.

"We should've seen that coming." grumbled Luna and rubbed her head.

I saw Celestia wasn't moving so I went over to her.

"Celestia? Celly?" I asked teasingly and poked her, suddenly she rolled over and pulled me on top of her and we rolled a few times laughing before stopping and gazing into each other's eyes...

"Bundle!" exclaimed Luna and jumped on my back, almost crushing Celesia beneath me.

Well, this reunion went well...

Author's Note:

Thanks to all those who've favorited! it means a lot to me and Marl! sorry for the short chapter.

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The Joeker

The Joeker #1 · Aug 18th, 2015 · · ·

6332942 What plot holes? mmm, plot... ahem, seriously though?

Midnight_Writer

Midnight_Writer #2 · Aug 19th, 2015 · · ·

And now I wait

Midnight_Writer

Midnight_Writer #3 · Aug 19th, 2015 · · ·

Just things that don't make sense

The Joeker

The Joeker #4 · Aug 19th, 2015 · · ·

6334927 I may be able to clarify, please tell me

The Joeker

The Joeker #5 · Aug 29th, 2015 · · ·

6371460 Gary Stu? he is a Prototype, of course he's a Gary Stu! they can't die, it's impossible, you could only die in game because otherwise the game wouldn't be challenging, it wasn't instant love interest, it was just spur of the moment, it doesn't mean is is in love with her, shit happens in life, sometimes you almost kiss someone and regret it, she didn't 'dump' him seeing as they were never together, the first chapter was character building, I told you you could skip it in the chapter itself, things did happen with Mercer, which will be explained did you notice I paraphrased n that pat when people would like to hear about it? it was on purpose, suspense. If you don't like it, not my problem, I'm not changing the story for you, write your own Prototype fic if you want a perfect fic, poor characterisation? I don't care. if you don't like the story, I have a suggestion, don't read it. simple as. you don't even write on this site, so where do you get off telling other people how to write? write a good story yourself and THEN maybe I'll consider your advice, it's you plus 19 others that 20 people against 56 people, so yeah...

Comment posted by Tamerlane1405 deleted Aug 31st, 2015

Tamerlane1405

Tamerlane1405 #7 · Aug 31st, 2015 · · ·

6371557
You're actually deleting my comments? That's the most childish thing I've ever seen.

Tamerlane1405

Tamerlane1405 #8 · Aug 31st, 2015 · · ·

6371557
More importantly, the fact that you're deleting my comments means that you find my points relevant and don't have any legitimate arguments to defend yourself against mine.

Tamerlane1405

Tamerlane1405 #9 · Aug 31st, 2015 · · ·

Alright, so after a heated PMing session with the author I think we've both cooled down enough that I can post a comment venting my frustrations on this story but at the same time not pissing anyone off. Here goes.

My problems with the first chapter are threefold:

1. Almost all of it could've been removed and it would be the same story. It was boring. Pretty much the entire part about Pariah pwning Russians was unnecessary.

2. The part where Mercer meets Pariah short and rather disappointing. It is implied in the game that, should they meet, it would cause a global catastrophe. What happens here is, well, nothing. While I can't necessarily fault this I do find it rather annoying.

3. There is no real plot build up in the first chapter. The first chapter is when the main conflicts that set the plot for the rest of the story are introduced but I didn't see anything like that.

My problems with chapter 2 are less organized but can be summed up in two words:

Gary Stu

If there is one thing that can turn a fanfiction from the next Past Sins into one of those stories it's a Gary Stu. It doesn't matter who the Gary Stu is, only that he/she exists within the story. The presence of a Gary Stu automatically destroys any potential the story might have had.

Unfortunately, Pariah in this story exhibits many of the characteristics of a Gary Stu. He's accepted by everyone immediately, everyone's waifu, Twilight, falls in love with (or at least befriends) him instantly, and he has absolutely no trouble in both resolving conflict and completing the necessary tasks to meet his ends. In other words, he's perfect.

Now I don't think I need to tell anyone that that is NOT how to make a story interesting. A good story has a strong protagonist who deals with his/her own flaws and has a conflict that he/she needs to overcome by the end. It is also very important that these flaws are introduced very early within the story or it may look like they were thrown in haphazardly which is, in some ways, worse. By the end of chapter 2 I saw almost no major, story-arching conflict.

I'm not going to get into specifics as most of the problems I had with the specific details of the story stemmed from the use of a Gary Stu. That and I had a lot of issues, more than I care to list.

I wish you, the author, the best of luck with your future stories but I'm sorry to say but I will not continue reading past chapter 2.

The Joeker