Equestria, the place all bronies strive for. A place where they wish they could have all sorts of magical adventures, and befriend all their favorite little ponies.
So when I--A hardcore brony--find myself in this magical land populated by ponies, you would expect me to be ecstatic. Unfortunately I seemed to have taken over one of the inhabitants bodies. who you might ask? Well lets just say she has a squeaky voice, and is no older than the age of ten.
Sex tag used for language.
Story takes place after season three, but promptly ignores the following seasons.
Chapters (1)
It might just be me but you seem to be switching perspectives in this sentence.
good start and maybe give it another look-over
apostrophes. you could contract a lot of words here. also, you could be more free with ending punctuation. Use exclamation marks and elipses more often, but don't use more than two exclamation marks at the end of a sentence. Periods get really boring after a while. it makes it seem like everything is being said in a dull monotote.
what.
what!
what...
what?
what?!
diversity is the spice of life, you know.
I'm pretty sure hay bacon is a thing in the show...
Hi, welcome to English! Your thumb screws are at the door. Enjoy a complimentary trip on the rack during your stay.
shoot=>chute
layed=>laid
out of the bed=>out of bed
a alabaster=>an alabaster
told them too=>told them to
Gods=>God's (or Gods' depending on your religion)
fashion unicorn=>fashionable unicorn, fashion conscious unicorn (fashion is a noun, except conscious turns nouns into adjectives, magically!)
to me now=>to her now
the world's best=> the world's greatest
awful high=>awfully high
who open this=>who opened this
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6208028 Thank you guys for all your criticism, and ways to improve my writing. It helps a lot when there are people who point out what is wrong with what I put to word. Can't always have great stories, sometimes we hit some mediocre ones, but that's okay. It is all about practice and persistence.
6210323 no prob man
6210323
Glad I could help!
Not sure with the high dislike ratio is about, we seem to be off on a fairly standard start, excepting how much is glossed over.
Stairs... Why did it have to be stairs?
Keep going! ;)
Lol.
I like!
Wtf is with the like/dislike ratio?
This story is good so far
The title made me think it was a sweetiebot fic
You mixed up first and third person perspective once or twice, but it has potential.
So Leons the main character so who exactly is doing the narration?
6210323 Dun, Dun, DUNNNN!!!
6210323 Are you still working on future chapters?
well damn why are some of the most intresting stories always cancelled
This is already one of the most interesting stories I have ever read... rest in pieces
And then they were never heard from again.
Is it possible to remake this story from the ground up while maintaining its spirit alive on top of that giving credit to the original creator? I would gladly do in yet I am not skilled in making any kind of stories, just some random ideas.