Disguises. All of them, all at once.
As you start to ponder on how to find this 'Newspaper', you begin to realize something. Your packmates bodies (or what's left of them at least) are still smoking. Which means that these were all fresh kills, and whoever or whatever did this to them could still be in the area. Watching and waiting for you to drop your guard and turn you into a smoldering pile of ash as well.
Deciding that you'd like to continue living and not end up like your ex-packmates, you make a beeline for the entrance of your old cave. You figured if whatever did this knew about the secret exit, then it could be waiting there to kill off any survivors who try to take it. So logic states that exiting through the way you came would give you a higher chance of survival.
As you exit the entrance you stop to take a breather. However as you do your ears pick up noises. Not just any noises, pony noises. You can just hear the sounds of hoof steps in the distance, as well as a conversation. Deciding that finding those ponies and following them would be a good idea, you take off after the noises. If whatever killed your packmates follows you, you could use the ponies as a distraction for you to escape.
You can hear you're getting closer and closer.
Using your new found scent (or lack of one), you make your way even closer to what you assume to be ponies without alerting them since your 'natural' timberwolf scent would have cause them to flee or vomit. Sometimes it's both. 'I should probably feel grateful for that bath Steven gave me, but i'm still kind of miffed since he didn't ask first before throwing a freakin tsunami at me.'
Making your way closer, you see a modest sized encampment with ponies and a few griffins milling about. Sure, it's uncommon for ponies to traverse through the Everfree, usually believing they are taking a shortcut if they lack the foreknowledge of the notorious forest. It's rarer for ponies and griffins to travel together. However, this is not what piqued your interest.
A majority of the caravan appears to be wearing western style apparel with the few exceptions wearing padded armor. Although you usually stay away from civilization('ponies need to build some backbone'), you can recall the map from a not so lucky adventurer.
They probably came here from Dodge Junction or Appleloosa. By Gaea, these ponies and their puns.
As you continue with your covert observation of the caravan, you notice an argument break out between a griffiness caravaneer and an earth pony stallion.
"Weren't you supposed to be the navigator? You said you could lead us through here!", the griffiness asks the earthpony.
Said earthpony gulps, before replying: "I said that I should in theory be able to, but that it would be much safer to venture around the Everfree."
"Oh? Really? Well, just so you know, we don't have the TIME for that! We need to get there as soon as possible..."
I should probably intervene here, who knows? If I lead them through the Everfree I might even get a 'Newspaper' as payment, you explain to yourself and walk out of the bush, forgetting momentarily that Timberwolves are rather feared.
"TIMBERWOLF!", the earth-pony screams and points at you.
"You're not gonna escape me!", the griffiness shouts and charges at you, taking a battleaxe out of a nearby barrel.
You yowl as you realised you messed up, and run away.
Some time later
Did I..., you think while panting, finally lose them?
As you look around, you can confirm your thoughts.
The encounter has reminded you of something, namely that ponies (and griffins) are definitely going to freak out at seeing your appearance. You remember that you and your pack once went towards the apple-scented, it did not end well.
How could I disguise myself... I know! There is this one shaman that lives in here, she travels in a cloak and *shudder* has taught Timberwolf, Manticore and other creatures to leave her alone. And her aura... Should I risk it to take one o fher spare cloaks?
After dwelling about the question for a while, you decide that you have to risk it.
As you are nearing the shaman's residence, you can smell the magic in the air and it's some pretty bad juju. There are masks on the outside of the house, and an aura of unease hits you. Luckily, you see that there is no light on in the window, so maybe she isn't home.
You sneak around it, and in the back you see a laundry line with cloaks hanging out to dry. You snag one, not even checking the pockets, and take off. You don't know what a shaman would do to a thief, but you aren't going to stick around to find out.
So... the campment knows about me already, there I probably cannot get a 'Newspaper'. Then I have only one choice... the apple-scented ones live near a town, known among the Ponyfolk as Ponyville. I guess I have to go there...
You wear the cloak of the shaman, but it does not really fit you. You finally choose to change your appearance by reassembling yourself into a more ponylike shape. It's a partial success, but you've still got glowing green eyes and you're a little stilted looking. Oh well.
As you wander along the path leading to 'Ponyville', you come across a strange crack in the side of a stone ledge. Naturally you get a strange urge to kick it, and it opens into a cavern entrance.
You head inside, where you find an old monkey with a long beard (Why is it that you cannot grow such majestic facial hair?) and a long cloak.
He opens his eyes, and looks at you before proclaiming: "It's dangerous to go alone. Take this!"
The monkey takes out a red cloak from his own cloak's pockets, and tosses it to you.
You mumble: "Um...thanks? But I already have one..."
"I know, but still use this well! It will help keep pony-magic from sensing you and will help mask your natural odor from those without a keen sense of smell. Keep that in mind."
You stare at the red cloak in shock, before looking up and thanking: "Cool! That should help a lot, I never got your...", at this you look around and find out you are alone in the cave, "...name."
You walk out puzzled, and wear the red cloak over the shaman's. You resume your walk to the town, and as you reach it...
"Hello, my name is Pinkie Pie! You must be new here, because I have never seen you before, thenagainIamstillnotseeingyoubecauseyouwearthatcloakoveryourcloakandhey,theoneyouwearundertheredonelooksalot-likeZecora's!", you are greeted by a hyperactive, completely pink (but the eyes) pony in your face.
You chuckle nervously, before telling her: "I have very sensitive skin, even a single ray of sunlight would burn it."
"Hm...", Pinkie mumbles, before resuming her former volume, "Oh, really? Wait, you are not a pony, are you? I mean, I haven't really learned much about it but wouldn't your fur give you atleast partial protection?"
You mentally chide yourself for forgetting that, and make a note to yourself to learn about that later, before replying: "Unfortunately, I was in a fire while I was young and burnt my fur off... It has never regrown. My name is...", you quickly think of a name a pony would believe, "Trojan."
She looks at you strangely, before shrugging and telling you: "Welcome to Ponyville...", at this she looks at the sun and exclaims: "Is it that late already? I promised Twilight I'd help her today!", and zooms off.
You sigh, glad that the danger is over. You enter the town, and walk towards the marketplace, yet another thing you heard about while in Zebrafrica. You never really understood what the difference between a 'bazaar' and a 'marketplace' was, but you had heard both phrases.
You look around, and see one of the apple-scented!
Why is one of them he... wait, she's selling apples.
The apple-scented in question has orange fur, blonde hair, a stetson hat and three apples on her butt.
You quickly hurry to the other side of the market, where a yellow pony with orange hair, green eyes and three carrots on her flank is.
"So....", you start a conversation with her, "My name's Trojan. Do you know where I can find a... 'Newspaper'?"
She looks at you in a strange way, before telling you: "I'm Carrot Top. You can buy one...", but whatever she wanted to tell you was interrupted by a white colt with brown spots on his fur and darkbrown-lightbrown mane and tail bumping into you, causing you to stumble and your head to look out of the cloaks.
Now, you see, while it was vaguely pony-shaped a head made out of wood was nothing one could simply ignore, and there was only one creature known that has it, so it was pretty obvious.
As you stand back up, you see a mob with torches and forks forming. "Can't we talk about this?", you ask them only for them to start running towards you.
You turn around and RUN at the highest speed you can.
Some time later
You hear the hoofsteps getting quieter and quieter, until you finally stop hearing them.
You climb out of the trashcan, thinking annoyed to yourself: Great. How am I supposed to find the 'Newspaper' no...
Right in front of you, in the very same trashcan you were in, you finally see the 'Newspaper'!
You snatch it out of there, still wearing your cloaks and 'transformation':
'Hooded Offender Destroys Fillydelphia in Crimson Holiday Uprising! Crimson Knights At Large!', certainly an... interesting headline.
You read the article about it, and realise something: They are not as afraid of violence as the ordinary pony, there is nothing about them being against other species mentioned... Could it be I have found my new pack?
It could be that all of this is just false hope...
You continue reading the newspaper, but there don't seem to be any more interesting articles, only confusing things like:
BREAKING NEWS:
HOMELESS PONY KILLED WHILE BEING DRAGGED AROUND TOWN BY STRAY BROWN DOG
HOMELESS PONY'S EYES DONATED TO BLIND STALLION AFTER SAVING BAR KEEP FOR FIRE!
or
MORE BREAKING NEWS:
FIVE GUARDS PONIES, TWO CRIMINALS AND ONE SAXOPHONE PLAYING STALLION DROP DEAD FROM EXHAUSTION, DEHYDRATION, AND STARVATION AFTER RUNNING AROUND IN COMEDIC FASHION FOR 4 MONTHS STRAIGHT. SAXOPHONE PLAYERS NAME MOUNTED IN THE MUSIC HALL OF FAME WITH A RECORDING OF SONG PLAYED BEFORE DEATH. NAMED 'YACKETY SAX'
"I don't get it", you say aloud.
You look around, and see a train station nearby. As you come closer, you see that one of the trains leads to Fillydelphia, your best bet to find the Crimson Knights.
One of the trains starts to move, and you barely make the jump onto the platform behind it's last wagon. You go in, and sit down on one of the seats.
What do you do?
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There should be a comedic chase at some point
use this song:
Observing the car you will reside in until your reach Fillydelphia, you notice that it's full of luggage's, trunks, and various other containers of personal effects. 'Hmmmmm, I believe this is what they call the, bag cart? No no, baggage car, yes that sounds right.' Thanks to your thorough evaluation you notice that there are piles of baggage's than you could hide in the chance someone decides to enter this car. Finished with scrutinizing the entire car, you can afford yourself to reflect on your current situation. You are currently in the very last car or the train with a low chance of anyone discovering you, a stow away. Ponies fear you for obvious reasons. '*sigh* Getting tired of being chased away from people. Welp, I certainly have plenty of time to myself. Might as well try and find a way to improve my equine disguise. Perhaps there's something in those bags that could help.'
Sifting through the mountains that are luggage's, you find some choice pieces of cloths and suit of armor to create a disguise. As you finish shifting into a more equine shape, you begin to don your new set of full-plate armor. Placing the last piece of armor on your head-the helmet-you will your spirit to inhabit both your wooden body and your armor as well. Cryptozoologist have found that 'alpha' timberwolves, or those of strong spirits are able to form bodies out of materials other than wood. Though they prefer to to inhabit wooden bodies, they will use other material out of necessity.
Overcome with sense of vertigo, your body sways side-to-side before finally falling over in the most dramatic fashion possible, LIKE THIS! at the end of your fall, you pull a large curtain as you fall to the floor. You look up to see what has been uncovered. 'Hmmm, a mirror.' Through the darkness you can you see yourself in your sick new duds. 'Hmmm, . . . yes. This look well on me. But the glowing eyes and wooden face aren't doing me any favors.' Once your head is thoroughly hidden in a layer of blue cloth you begin ogling the now knightly stallion in the mirror. As you look into the vanity, you can hear something scuttling about at the other end of the car. Drawing your massive sword, you cautiously approach your fellow stowaway. A small shadowy form jumps from cover and begins wildly punching your armor. lamely you lower your sword and look over your withers . . . . . . to see a small ragged filly trying to bite off one of you plates.
Woops.
Wait, I killed some homeless dude? Well that's news to me
===============================================================================================
You realize that a hood enough isn't going to work. You need some facial hair.
Sitting across from you is a portly looking unicorn with a long, magnificent beard. You want that beard!
"Now how the buck do I get it?" you wonder. You can't just pull it off his face, and it might wake him up.
Looking through your pockets, you find an honest to goodness razor in one of the pockets, and some scissors in the other.
"Well that's convenient," you mutter, "But I still need some sort of shaving cream..."
You look around the nearly empty room, but you do spot a desert trolley, and a bowl of whipped cream is on it.
"Eh, better than nothing."
You take the cram then look around the room, to make sure you aren't being watched. Then gently as you can, you smear the cream all over his beard.
He stirs in his sleep, but keeps on snoring.
You then take out your razor and scissors and begin cutting the beard gingerly.
Luckily for you, no one sees your impromptu barber technique, and you clean shave him.
You see that the pony looks decades younger than he used to.
"Alright, now I got my beard..." you say as you pick up pawfulls of loose hair that in no way look like a beard.
"Huh..." you say as you realize how stupid this plan was. With no adhesive to keep it all together, it's just hair.
"I did not just do that expert, albeit my first, shave to not have a beard!" you say frustrated.
Looking around the room, you open up pony luggage and find some Beeswax candles and a lighter.
You swear to Gaia, that beard will stick!.
You go to the bathroom with your clumps of hair and melt some candles, smearing the wax and hair onto your face.
If you wanted to look like a scraggly drifter, congratulations!
Later, the Ticket Pony seems to think your a drifter thanks to your beard and lack of ticket, and you are tossed off the train, in the middle of the desert at night.
6246178 Not you. According to Pentakill Apocalypse that was a reference, so I dunno.
6244096 Hmm.. like one from WUSTWD?
6248139 ummmmm... Who? I don't think I heard of them
6249281 Wake up see this what do. The most classic comment driven story.
*Begins chewing on the wood of all the furniture in the car* 'Wait a minute, Beck, is that you? The couch you were chewing disassembles and congregates into something vaguely similar to a . . . . Timberwolf?!
"Beck! How did this-what-who did this to you!?"
* cough* "It . . It was the lumber . . . Jaaaccksssss . . . . . "
"Beck? Come on now. This isn't funny. Beck? BECK!!! Nnoooooooooo!!"
"LUUUUUMMMMBEEERRRJAAAACKS!!!"
TIMBERWOLF vs. LOOSE LOGS LUMBER COMPANY
*ping* <optional mission> seek vengeance against Loose Logs Lumber Company