Good Start, Looking forward to more!

Well written. No mistakes jumped out at me, and it drew me in pretty well. Can't wait to see more of this. I'll be watching this.

An excellent start to a fanfic.  Can't really think of much else to say at this point.  

Favorited, liked, and everything else. Great start, great world building, great reactions, great characterization, great OC, great grammar, great vocabulary, great setting, and a great need to read more of this. I require more of it. Immediately.

This was, truly, brilliant.  I look forward to reading more!

This is looking great. Definitely tracking. This human you've introduced seems pretty interesting. Two things that bugged me, though. For one, I don't like how you took 2 paragraphs to explain what was going through Twilight's mind between "The realization struck just a tad too late" and then the description of what actually happened. Felt sloppy to break up the action like that. Also, if this is being told in Twilight's perspective, I don't like real world comparisons being thrown in (like when you compared her panicking to the Incredible Hulk). It just feels out of place.

Nice, It's pretty well done. I especially like how you added in a sort of calm/analytical narrative, like me. Or Twilight, in this case.

>>628935628935 Heh, yeah, I kinda agree with you there.  I agonized about both points internally to a great degree actually, it's gratifying that I didn't do so needlessly.  I also feel that the action of the trap is broken up a bit, but I didn't want it to come across as too trite, if that makes sense?  I was trying to show that smart people do dumb crap from time to time, so people didn't get the impression that Twilight was just, "la da da da da da da oopsie!  Tee Hee!"

But I suppose it comes across as needlessly apologetic.  I'll ponder it a bit, see if there's a better way to handle it.  

As for the Incredible Hulk reference, it's not... actually from Twilight's perspective.  The narrative type is third person omniscient, which means the "narrator" in this case is an outside party privy to all the thoughts and feelings of the characters of the story.  I DO tend to try and avoid breaking character when a character is directly thinking about a situation, but in this case Twi is doing an action (going bugfuck) and the omniscient narrator is describing it in what I had hoped was a humorous fashion, so I figured it was ok.  

I do generally try to keep the narrative voice "in canon" so to speak, but will always err on the side of what I think is funny.  I'm sorry it didn't go over well.

Also thank you very much for your constructive criticism!  

Trackin' and looking forward to more.

>>628935628935 AHHH I see what the problem is.  

Ok, it does come across as third person limited in this chapter... because I was trying to keep Marshall as alien as possible by not immediately showing his viewpoint...

In that case, my bad?  Still, I stand by my comment.  I will generally try to error on the side of comedy.

nice story dude

Daaaaaaaang, you know Cosmic Castaway? Did you just listen to the song and liked it, or did you watch Titan AE too?

And this is why you dont give Pinkie Pie alcohol. The dimensional barrier will never be the same.

This is amazing. When he talked about a "crazy island", I instantly thought of Improbable Island.

look it up, it's crazy

Awesome story! Hope there's more soon.

>>629378629378 Over 30 Sci-Fi nerd, bro.  Titan A.E.?  Naturally.  

Wanna really take a trip back?  How about Explorers?

>>629503629503

Unfortunately, I'm not as old as you, heh.

Titan A.E. was one of the earliest movies I watched, so that's probably the furthest extent I have with sci-fi.

>>629528629528 Check out Explorers bro ham.  It's like Goonies in space.

I will be eagerly awaiting more.

One of the best new stories I have read.

Can't wait for more.

Love it so far, i am truley looking foward for the comming chapters.

This... is... AWESOME! That's... really all I have to say; I can't think of anything that looked like it needed criticizing. I really like that you used "sussurus." It's one of my favorite words.

"tree-cum-library"

>>630894630894

You're so cute.

Cum = latin for "with"

For instance, if you graduated summa-cum-laude, you graduated "with the highest praise"

Ergo, read as tree-with-library (also tree-which-is-a-library)

Or don't, because in a way that makes it kinda hilarious in it's own right, I suppose.

Well it's a library that comes from a tree, and the books within it are made out of paper (I hope) which is made from trees... so you could say the library is ejaculated from the tree.

>>633170633170 Sure, that analogy works, if when you experience orgasm pulped pieces of  your insides come out your....

You know what, I'm just gonna stop there.  Ew.

>>632159632159

Image: http://i388.photobucket.com/albums/oo323/Woodforsheep/Facedesk.png

       Damn You Internet What Have You Done To Me !!!

Now THIS is a fascinating concept. Excellent opening, good humor without washing out the scenes with it. Great character building and interaction. Ok I'm on board.

This is shockingly good for a first HiE fic...there's gotta be a catch somewhere. We're going to have to wait forever for the next chapter? Author is an insufferable egotistical ass? Downside of being an editor you get jaded . Seriously though continue this!

>>635977635977

Ok, you got me... um... the catch is... I get really bad gas when I eat mexican food?  I mean, clear a room, dogs whining, gnashing of teeth bad.

Sorry if that ruins your reading experience.  

>>636883636883

Didn't ruin the story! I'll get back to you about my lunch though .

An Interesting concept, and a very well writen one too boot. Not so much HiE as Human/Equestrian interaction. Reminds me alot of the show Dual Survival, or Lost. I look forward to more.

Very good writing, original, good detail and good sized chapter. You sir, are some kind of genius on brain steroids.

Your story promises a lot. I quite enjoy your writing style; you narrate the perfect mix of involvement and disconnect. It'll be quite interesting to see where this goes.

My only regret was that, while I was reading this, I was also going through a bunch of other fics on here; ones that had upwards of five or six chapters. The knowledge of more chapters concerning the other ones blended with my expectations for this one, and by the end I was ready to open the other five chapters of this fic and save them for reading material later at work.

Imagine my surprise.

Well folks, I hope this is clear of errors, because I'm dog tired.  I couldn't seem to let it sit, though.

Hope you enjoy.

I was just rereading chapter one, wishing you would update.  Went to search for stories again, and here is chapter two...

This is beyond strange...

*backs away slowly*

Well, not an unpleasant surprise at least!

>>648461648461

Yes that's right Random.  I'm watching you.  I know where you browse the internets and you should be ashamed.

TWILIGHT'S GONE LOCO!

>>648470648470

*DustTraveller uses humiliation against RandomEncounter.*

...

...

*It's super effective!*

*RandomEncounter faints.*

*DustTraveller gains 491 experience points.*

Titan A.E ! Loved the song.

>>648473648473

And this is why FimFiction.net is awesome.

>>648482648482

By extension, does that mean I am awesome?  

>>648486648486

Yes, Random, it means that very thing.

>>648489648489

Anyway, I'll leave you with this...

Please sir, I want some more.

Cool, I hope you can update it soon enough.

Didn't see anyone else mention it yet, so cover image source: http://cosmicunicorn.deviantart.com/gallery/?catpath=/&offset=120#/d3c5uz6

CosmicUnicorn (previously CrappyUnicorn) is one of my favorite artists on DA. :P

This story is awesome and you should feel awesome!

This is fantastic.

heh murder turkey

can't wait for next chapter

Certainly an intriguing concept. I can't wait to see what happens when the next day dawns.

Write more, and do it  quickly lest I grow bored!

Nicely done. I've seen more than a few human soldier meets ponies and of them all, I'd have to say I like Marshall the best. So many of the others are just assholes, but despite the fact he isn't sure he sane Marshall still acts like a decent human being. Very entertaining story, I'm looking forward to future chapters.

Feels a little like a cross between the film "Cast Away" and the FiM fic "The Dread Chitin". Excellent story, and well worth the read! Good job!

I found the author of the cover image!

http://cosmicunicorn.deviantart.com/art/Twilight-Sparkle-201827346

It took me many minutes of searching but at last, my persistence is rewarded and my quest is complete.

Now give her all them creditz!

YES!!! NEW CHAPTER!

Great update, man. I'm liking Marshall more and more. Keep at it

Continue. Maybe they get besieged by a T-Rex, eh?

Or Twi learns the joys of human sacrifice.

Oh come on Marshall and Twilight, quit being babys. How else is the universe supposed to entertain itself?

I never comment, but in this case I felt I had say this is some great stuff and do please keep it up.

Loved the new chapter.

>>648502648502

RE, what are you doing reading stories? Shouldn't you be busying yourself with tormenting fictional characters with ponies? All shenanigans aside. I would like to see a Thunderstruck update, but I know Epicness such as that can't be rushed. And futher more I agree with you about this story, MORE DAMNIT. Anyway enough of my poorly formed thoughts and general Hi-jinks.

>>648758648758

So I'm scrolling through my comments, and I see the author avatar image and I go... dude, I KNOW that guy...

Psychicscubadiver, I just wanted to say that you fucking rock.  I've been following your Dresdin/MLP stuff since Strange Friends.  That has to be one of my favorite crossovers.  I'm usually horrible about leaving feedback on FF.net, and I just wanted you to know that.  

Great honor, bro.  Glad I could entertain YOU for a change.

I would like to echo scubadiver's comment, most soldier characters are at best 2 dimensional cardboard cutouts but I'm loving DustTraveller's protagonist.

Also 5 years without other sentient contact....wow, I bet I would have killed myself after a year or two. That's an amazing feat of will.

Lastly, 2 chapters in and the characterization and interaction of both characters feels natural and builds incredibly well. This story is...shockingly well written so far. Are you cheating somehow!?

>>649545649545

Well, this isn't my first time around the block, actually.  Before I got into MLP, I did quite a bit of fanfiction writing up 'til around 2006, when writers block basically crippled me.  Hopefully it's gone into remission.  You can find all my old stories archived on www.fanfiction.net.  Sad to say this is the only MLP story, though.

Whoa. I normally don't even like human/pony cross overs, and you've gotten me hooked

Well done.

>>649288649288

Chapter three is in the works, just on hold till I get SotL chapter two done.

>>649586649586

If you have writer's block, just remember to ask yourself...what would Pinkie do?  At the very least, you'll come up with some interesting and funny situations.  How they are applicable to this story...but still, ideas of some sort, right?

when you're describing the moon, you wrote "crators"

it's craters

this is an impressive story so far, hopefully you can keep it up and make it epic.

>>649655649655

Thanks bro.  Knew operating without any beta readers would bite me in the ass eventually.

Alright! Loved the update, looking forward to more.

This should lead to an interesting conversation between Marshall and Twilight - after all, Luna's managing the night sky is probably just as alien to him as this sky is to Twilight. Although given your description of the moon I get the feeling the island and the space it inhabits may be under something else's control - or something stranger.

I would like to echo scubadiver's comment, most soldier characters are at best 2 dimensional cardboard cutouts but I'm loving DustTraveller's protagonist.

Also 5 years without other sentient contact....wow, I bet I would have killed myself after a year or two. That's an amazing feat of will.

Lastly, 2 chapters in and the characterization and interaction of both characters feels natural and builds incredibly well. This story is...shockingly well written so far. Are you cheating somehow!?

>>649586649586

I try to keep to one insane fandom at a time. Helps keep the drinking to a minimum

Awesome chapter man!

If you want an editor, you have but to ask. Many of us would be willing, no doubt.

Huh. That was suprisingly good. Only way I can see it being better is if genuinely good humanxpony happens. To summarize, because there are not enough words to truly describe my feelings on the subject:

Image: http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/proceed-baby.jpg

Well, that was good.

Now, I'm not a gun enthusiast, nor am I actually familiar with firearms (I have a very limited experience with them), but it seems rather strange that he still has ammo for his rifle after 5 years. Either he had a shit ton with him when he arrived, or he found a way to make a shit ton of bullets. Maybe the materials and means for making them aren't very rare on this island, but it seems odd to me.

Then again, you probably know more than I do.

Anyways (), this is shaping up to be quite the tale. I am looking forward to more.

>>652738652738

Good of you to notice, yes it IS odd that he still has bullets after all this time.  I would like to explain why, but as it touches on plot points that I have yet to reveal, I'm going to stay mum.  You'll just have to trust me when I say that this is not an oversight on my part.

I will give you a hint, however.  What kind of pilot is he?

>>652738652738

While you're at it, I should also point out that the M4 Carbine is largely superceded, being replaced by the M4A1.  Nor is it standard for US troops serving overseas.  This is also not an oversight.

>>652748652748

Pay no heed to Merlion, for he is versed in the ways of the trolls.  Instead, take heart and cast him back into the bottomless abyss from which he spawned.

>>652773652773

Lies. Lies and slander.

While you're at it, stop being a hypocrite. =P

>>652777652777

Go back to the shadow. You shall not pass!

>>652748652748

Perhaps a C-130?  

>>652789652789

Only my mortal enemy the Mane o'war can make me return to the shadows! None other!

>>652796652796

Bronies of Metal

We are fighting with ponies of steel

Fighting for metal, metal that's real

Bronies of metal will always be there

Standing together with hooves in the air

Chorus from Mane O' War's hit single, Bronies of Metal

>>652809652809

Props for doing a decent AABB ryhme scheme, even if it was from a terribly misunderstood joke...

Merlion. Mane o'war. Get it?

Ah, inside jokes are the best...

>>652809652809

Perhaps I should tell you about the Mane of War (he didn't get it right.)  It involved some story comments, him and I somehow being mentioned by Pinkie Pie in someone's fic...and my revenge on the both of them.

Merlion:  An extremely aggressive species of fish with the head of a lion and the body of a tuna fish.  They continuously battle their mortal enemy, the Mane of War (a giant jellyfish with a mane.)  These two will fight over territory in battles that span for days, as well as miles and miles; it seldom, however, leads to anything productive.

>>652822652822

That is a very accurate description.

And it's funny, because I had a huge conversation with the guy, spanning over 50 comments, and you had one. And you still got put in. Oh man, see what you do when you threaten to lasso me and bring me to Cupcakes Pinkie?

You have a magnificent sense for good, suspenseful buildup.

Not sure if anyone else mentioned this, but you were (for a little bit) writing the story in 3rd person omniscient, then seemingly in limited, then omniscient again (when Twi "meets" the human). I can totally understand perspective shifts to engender mystery and uncertainty... but in this case it came across as a tiny bit awkward. Additionally, some of your parenthetical interruptions (something we're all tempted to do now and again) are too long. On one or two occasions, I had to actually go back and re-read the start of the sentence, because I'd lost track of it.

On the other hand, though... wow is this story well written, overall. The premise is very original, the pacing is phenomenal, your characterization of our favorite lavender mare is nearly flawless, and the narrative is both Interesting and easy to get immersed in. The OC is interesting, though I'll have to read more about him before I can say if he's a truly a 3 dimensional character. As it is, he seems characterized well and his initial interactions with Twilight were extremely entertaining and believable.

All in all, impressively high quality stuff. Considering how little attention this fic has gotten, I'm definitely classifying it as a "diamond in the rough" and reccomending it to anyone looking for a great read. Bravo.

And that's just chapter 1. Onwards and upwards, as they say.

And, lo and behold, the human OC is a 3-dimensional, relatable character with a backstory and believable personality.

This is wonderful, please keep it up.

>>659123659123

Thanks for the comments, and the constructive criticism.  My tendancy to wander from narrative style to narrative style has been noted, sadly, this is entirely due to my immaturity as a writer.  One of the reasons I'm probably not going to submit this to EqD.  I will probably go back at some point and try to revise it so that it's less "twitchy".

The parantheticals are, sadly, a throwback from other fanworks I've churned out in the past.  WAAAAAY back in the day, like 2000 or so, I started a fanfic called Shards of Chaos, an epic length Slayers fanfic.  I was attempting the kind of meandering humorous writing that makes Terry Pratchett's style so memorable, but I ran into a problem with the medium.  Footnotes don't really WORK in a fanfiction format, because the bottom of the page may be, in fact, several pages down the screen.  I've never come up with a satisfactory way of compensating for this that didn't break up the text, resorting instead to the dread parantheticals.  Since SoC was my first major work, it's extremely responsible for how I evolved as a writer...

Which unfortunately means I'm kinda stuck.  I sympathize, I truly do, but I'm not sure how to solve it in a manner that lets me keep the tidbits and still keep the "footnote" close to the relevant text.  

I guess I'm saying, I know about it, but I'm not sure what to do about it?  

Again, thanks for reading, and being interested in the story.  Coming from the writer of Magic and Mayhem, that means a lot.  I have a lot of respect for you as a writer, and constructive criticism may not always be heeded, but it IS deeply appreciated.

Also this story isn't getting a lot of recognition?  That's a little scary, considering that it's got over 193 favorites and I've only had it up for two weeks.  I've been a little overwhelmed at how welcoming the folks on FimFiction.net have been, when you compare to sites like fanfiction.net.  In case I didn't mention it, you guys rock.

Don't care what style.... I just came back and read both chapters again and love your story MOAR!!!!!  

I just stumbled into this and it's a good read so far. I find the Human fics where the action takes place on some indeterminate third location to be the best. Neither side has the comfort of being in familiar surroundings. It kinda reminds me of "The Dread Chitin" in that way. Which is one of my all time favorite fics, so consider it high praise.

I look forward to reading more.

I wonder how Rainbow Dash would feel if she were there instead. She might be more used to a carnivorous friend.

Love this story so far. Keep up with the awesome. I was waiting for an update before finally giving you the much deserved upvote to go with the gold star. I wonder if any more creatures from any other worlds might drop by on this strange island and join them.

>>662813662813

It's funny you should mention that...

NO, you're not getting anything out of me.

Also I should point something out, here.  

The problem she has is the casual way he goes about murdering things.  Remember that where Twilight comes from, animals have, to some degree, a certain amount of sentience.  How much is debatable, and I can see arguments for both sides here.  Hell, one of her friends can communicate with them.  Equestria IS magical and all that.  Granted Fluttershy seems to be willing to kill fish and whatnot, and they don't seem to hold animals to the same kinds of behavior that they do ponies, so perhaps that's just Flutter's talent being displayed.  

Also I should point out that Gilda was less of a carnivore than you might think, since she ate that apple she stole, and seemed like she wanted cake when it was offered.  So even Gilda didn't go around murdering things and eating them.  

Let's call it something kind of like taking your shoes off when you visit a friends house.

But ponies don't MURDER.  They have no real reason to.  Maybe we're seeing things through a very narrow filter because it's a kid show (which is why I generally don't bitch if someone has wars and crazy shit going down in their fanfiction), but the even Discord doesn't appear to seriously hurt ponies.  Hell, he even bitched at Princess Celestia for trapping him in stone, when it's not something HE would do.

So here you have this guy who has perfected the art of killing animals to the point where it is rote muscle memory, IE, something he does without thinking about it.

Intellectually, Twilight is of course aware that you don't get meat without killing something.  Knowing something intellectually and having your nose shoved in it are two different things however.  Note, again, that when the evidence of his murder was hidden she felt better about it, and then felt bad about feeling better about it.

But then, Twilight has a tendancy to overanalyze things.  It's one of the things I find so endearing about her, because I DO the same damn thing.  Half the time she was freaking out in the Want it, Need it episode, I was laughing not because the nerdy pony was freaking out, but because I genuinely understood what it felt like to blow something completely out of proportion because you're afraid of disappointing someone you respect.

Dash wouldn't even be intellectual about it.  She probably wouldn't consider the fact that he was eating meat at all... BUT, if he murdered something in front of her, you better believe she'd be shocked, and have something to say about it.  Especially if it happened right after he met her.

However, I think they'd work through their differences.  It would be... different.  Then again, what probably would have happened would have been something like..

---------------------

He crouched down into the undergrowth and nodded his head in a "come over here" sort of gesture.

"Look out that way, over there by that mossy rock." He said in a low tone, almost conversational.

"Do you see the rock?"  He asked, not taking his eyes off whatever it was he saw.

"Yeah, I see it.   So?"  She said, brusquely.  This guy was way too up tight about everything.  This jungle only thought it was dangerous because it hadn't met Rainbow Dash, yet.

"Ok, follow that root at its base to the right, 'til you see it... and do-"

"I see it.  Dude, it's like half my size, and it looks like a turkey.  Lame."

He shook his head slowly, amazed.  "Dash, if you need to learn anything about this island FAST, it's that it doesn't have to look dangerous to fuck you up."

She bristled as he called her skills into question.  "Well if you're so scared of the little turkey, I'll just go deal with it."  Without another word, she shot out of the underbrush at it.

"WAI-"

But she was gone.  Charging full speed at the little feathered thing like the fabled Sir Leroy of Jenkins.

The look on the murder turkey's face as the prey thing came screaming at him out of the brush could be adequately described as WTFBBQ.

Marshall gritted his teeth and massaged the bridge of his nose.  "Well, at least we'll have chicken."

WTFBBQ? Really?

I do have a question. His transport plane that crashed? Aside from lamp oil, fuel, ammo and tools. Did he have explosives too?  A nuke maybe? XD

If you gotta crash into a deserted island? Do it with a plane full of military supplies!

>>664388664388

I figure the transport had to at least contain an ammo shipment. Still using three round burst on turkey sized game after five years makes me think ammo isn't an issue.

>>664973664973

Let's see. If he was a gun nut and insane...

5 years, 100 bullets a day,

Seven tons... A bit on the heavy side.

Assuming he wasn't playing Serious Sam here we can freely remove 2 zeroes from there and go with 70 kilograms of 5.56 amunition. so he could have gotten by with... Let's round out and get 2000 bullets. That's about 2 or 3 big ammo crates.

So if he had a stack of 5 or six  crates he was transporting he's golden.

Or he discovered an old Enclave base... Wait! The Cog Brotherhood workshop! XD

>>665434665434

You are making several assumptions, not necessarily without cause, so I'll throw you guys a few bones.  Note that I'm trying not to spoil later plot points.

First of all, you are assuming that Marshall uses bullets at a constant rate for hunting purposes.  That would be criminally wasting them.  His actual bullet usage is considerably less than that.  By a major factor.   Most of his hunting is done with reusable means, including setting snares, etc.  This is because despite being stuck on an island surviving by his wits all this time, he isn't necessarily a crack shot.   He uses three round burst mode for exactly what it was, an emergency situation that came about unplanned against a dangerous critter he couldn't muck about with.  IE had to be put down in the minimum amount of time necessary.  Three rounds might be a bit excessive for a 30 - 40 pound animal, but you don't take chances with dangerous critters like them.  The "murder turkeys" aren't game, they are dangerous predators he's had to deal with as a major nuisance on the island, however, since Marshall has demonstrated a practical streak where wasting the meat is concerned...

I wasn't trying to give the impression that he solved all of his problems with guns.  If that's the impression that I've given, I apologize, as it's a failing of mine.  Remember that he never even pulled it or seemed to consider pulling it when he encountered Twilight Sparkle.  Which in retrospect, considering that she is BY FAR the most potentially deadly critter he's encountered so far, is kinda funny.

Not that I think Twilight and deadly really fit in the same sentence, you understand.

I think I'm pretty safe in saying that he was a C-130T Hercules pilot.  Can't remember if I mentioned that in the narrative or not.  One can probably surmise that ammunition was one of the supplies contained on that shipment, since an M-4 Carbine is in no way standard issue for a Navy Pilot.  A C-130 transport has a usful load of around 72,000 lbs, or 36 US tons.  Note that that is by NO means it's maximum capacity, but we'll stay at 36 tons for argument's sake.  The load space is around 6 pallets which doesn't sound like much, but trust me, it totally is.  I know this because I've had to load the fuckers before, floor to ceiling, and BELIEVE you me, they are fucking huge on the inside.  You can actually like, almost a 100 passengers (92 or so I think), a damn M113 Armored Personnel Carrier fits in one pretty comfortably, or an LAV III, if you remove the turret.  This baby has been a work horse since the fifties.  

So without spoiling too much, let's just say that he had the capacity to carry a metric fuckton of supplies... the question then becomes... the minimum flight crew for a C-130T is 5 (one pilot, one copilot, one loadmaster, one flight engineer, and one flight medic).  What happened to them?

There's another possible explanation about Marshall's resources that seems to be being ignored - a possibility that is mostly conjecture on my part at this point, but I think it's a reasonable conclusion given the kind of story you're writing here. I guess we'll see as you post more.

>>659430659430

You flatterer you. I understand where you're coming from on the parentheses... I certainly wasn't saying you should get rid of them. Merely work on making them more word efficient. Honestly, though, its a minor issue that I'm sure will handle itself as you perfect your style.

As for my comment on this story's popularity... I mean what I said literally. It certainly has gotten a lot of well-deserved attention, but I still feel like it should be getting more time in the featured box. Cest la vie, as they say.

Ok, we can pretty much tell that with Twilight coming along that things are going to get hectic. Whether it'll be more ponies coming along or the native sentient inhabitants coming to explore the island, things are gonna get a little crazy in a little bit after the day to day things are seen, talked about and thought about.

Can't wait.

I should probably wait a few hours, come back to this with fresh eyes and edit it one more time before I post it, but eh... fuck it.  I hope you all enjoy it.

This was fantastic :) loved the little ending of the chapter.