It has been 5 year since Sweetiebelle, Applebloom, and Scootaloo went missing. Now they are back with weird armor and weapons, and technology more adavnced than us by centuries, they even have a new brother, but the worst thing they came back changed and as killers. They came back as the mercenary group called the freelancers. They came back as mandolorians. Now they must be our defenders from the griffons, for a price of course. Based on Vode An by stallionwiththemetalhoof
Looking for an editor for this story
Chapters (1)
You have them return home and introduce Carid in the 1st chapter, rather then have a prologue of them getting off world, or any chapters telling of their time with Carid or the mandolorians? Talk about rushed
6123664 calm down man he's only on the prologue there well be plenty tme for all that.
While I feel partially honored (and slightly insulted, now that I've mulled this over a bit), this is really stretching the term "Loosely Inspired", as this feels like almost a scene-by-scene remake/rip-off of Vode An, and boy does your writing need improvement. To start off, I will introduce you to writers' rule #1: SHOW, don't TELL. Take the time to show what these characters are thinking, what they're feeling, get inside their heads and show the turmoil they must be going through. They haven't just been on a space adventure, they've been away for five years, FIVE YEARS, from their friends, families, everything and everyone they knew and loved. They've spent five years with no knowledge on how to get home, in a cruel, unforgiving galaxy where one wrong move could very well be their last. They've had to throw away every conception of reality they had to survive, even going so far as too adopt the culture of a warrior people. They've more than likely been in more combat situations than they would have ever expected and have probably almost died several times. How would you feel, how would that change you, if you were thrust into that kind of situation? Take the time to slow down and think about your characters; they have emotions, they have dreams, they have goals, they get tired, they have personalities, they're not puppets in a play, they're living, thinking, feeling beings: treat them as such.
6123664 And yeah, seeing as how he got everything else from me, that's probably my fault as well, and I'm starting to regret beginning my story like that in the first place. But, not much to do now then to press on with what I have, and tune up what's there. Even my writing's not perfect.
You also might want to get an editor, or someone who can help you with your writing as a whole, since there's much more wrong with this than characterization. Also, one other tip: while there's nothing wrong with taking inspiration from something (Heck, Vode An itself was partially inspired by things such as Halo: On The Wings of Angels and Into The Black: A Mare's Tale), but put your own creative twist on it. Sure, we've seen the idea before, but make the so the plot isn't a point-for-point remake of the original idea. Food for thought.
6124641 Definitely need a editor.
Still, there is potential here.
6131985 Agreed, not bad idea (For a rip-off).
6132003 Its a rip-off?
6132145 If you're speaking of this fic, then yes, he practically copied my fic Vode An.
6132145 He's not exaggerating, I read Vode An and this story is a rip off, and not even a good one.
6132830 Agreed. I should feel honored, but instead I feel insulted.
Wow. Just wow. I see the direct take from Vode An has been addressed so'll I'll add this.
This was excruciatingly difficult to read. I honestly almost didn't make it passed the first paragraph. The sentences are very choppy and detail is severely lacking. This needs extreme work and perhaps a different angle for the events to make it different from Vode An. I really don't know what else to say. I didn't finish. I couldn't finish. I suggest getting much more practice and an editor and perhaps even a proofreader. You need help here.
can you add more chapters?
6219971
I might, but I am focusing on my other story equestrian legion Scipio
Isnt this a star wars crossover why no gore
This maybe a rip off but this has much potential with a bit of editing skills to fix it up. Also, it's anthro, I prefer anthro stories more so I hope you make this more interesting.
Do I look like Oliver twist give me more
In fact they all were wearing their helmet.
In fact they all were wearing their helmets.
"I wonder is they missed us," Sweetie Belle said nervously.
"I wonder if they missed us," Sweetie Belle said nervously.
Sweetie Belle get up and walks into her room to equip her stuff.
Sweetie Belle gets up and walks into her room to equip her stuff.
Suddenly outside a huge noise was heard threw out town.
Suddenly outside a huge noise was heard throughout town.
8757138
not my best work . I thank you for showing me those mistakes.
Thanks
"Who are you," Rainbow Dash half ask and shouted.
Rainbow Dash shouted "Who are you?" to the unknown creatures who would dare fly faster than herself. After all, Rainbow thought, ‘Nopony or comic book alien gets to be more awesome than Rainbow Dash.’
Hey, qazse, I clicked the link to Vode An, and I got an 'error 404' page. The fact it was a link says it's on com fiction. So was it deleted or something
What's going on?!