I tried to have a normal day today. When I got turned into Princess Luna from a cartoon , I realized that this day would be anything but simple. But that's not all! I have her sister to worry about, these "Elements" I keep hearing about, and I have the original Luna in my thoughts, yelling away! Combine all that with no way to go home, and you got yourself a bad situation. What could possibly go wrong?
I know the Human In Equestria has been done to death, including the turned into an existing pony thing, but I, and a few others, have been surprised that no-one did one of Princess Luna! Nevertheless, here you go.
As always, tell me how I can improve the story a bit, constructive criticism is allowed, and have a good day reading my story!
EDIT 1 I will eventually do a rewrite to fix grammar, OOC, and other thing that have been brought to my attention. However, I will finish the story first.
I like this, keep doin what you're doin.(I haz best gwammer
)
Terrible grammar.
6038282
You could at least point out the grammar mistakes, so he can correct them and not repeat them in the future
6038305
The grammar in this story is generally bad. I don't have the time to point out every mistake in the story.
To the author: You need a proofreader. I suggest you get one ASAP.
6038420
You have two grammar errors in your comment, and you complain about grammar? GG
6038305
6038282
You two are hilarious, I think I died inside from laughter.
Oh my god..
It's a new story and there's already a war in the comment section!
6038474
Kek
Not bad, but don't be afraid to elaborate on details. I would enjoy reading a few things going into deep description.
6038474
6038456
Only a war if you make it gentlemen.
Also, what kind of women are you banging?
(I apologize to the author, this got out of hand quite fast, if you wish, I can proofread you next chapter.)
6038545
I bang myself ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
This story very much does not grasp the "show, don't tell" concepts.
"After a long day of school, I turned my TV to the Netflix app to watch my new favorite anime. While I did this, I got my laptop and started to read a few fanfics(don't tell me I'm the only one that uses TV as background music). I had a pretty decent house, but I got great TV service. Well, up until the storm came. "Awwww, come on!""
Consider this:
Firstly, instead of saying "after a long day of school" you could mention the person getting home, opening the door, and throwing a heavy backpack full of books onto a nearby couch. Or perhaps the person sets it carefully down before heading to their neat room.
Instead of outright saying "I turned my tv to the netflix app to watch my new favorite anime, got my laptop and started to read a few fanfics" you can very easily reduce that to "Relaxed, turned on the TV, and opened up my laptop." The reader doesn't need to know about netflix, or fanfics, unless that is important to the character development somehow. Doing this reduces how the story ages, and makes it so that it's not quite so obviously a self insert.
You could have described the home as the person approached or entered it before they dropped off the bag, or have made comments about the house as they went about their activities. "As I entered the wooden door of my fairly middle class home" "I briefly glanced out the window in my room, seeing the stormclouds overhead, and found myself very grateful for having chosen cable over satellite television."
Just in doing that you have added a ton of little places and little details that you can use to differ the authors personality, you could use the few sentences you show above to depict a careless and carefree main character, or a studious one relaxing after a hard day of work. With the sentences above, you don't know who the character is, or what they really are doing. You are just told what is there, and that's it.
The story itself reads fairly well. I honestly wasn't too disturbed by grammar myself, but I tend to be shit at it myself.
Hope this helps!
6038845 Thank you, this very much helps.
*Pokes Author*
I am a huge Lunafag.
And if you so much as slightly characterize her wrong, I will crush your ass.
Now, onto the story itself.
6039321 Holds up hooves Take it easy, it's just a fan made story.
PS If I wanted to characterize her wrong, I can just put an Alternate Universe tag, changing her past, and therefore personality.
Don't do this.
Why the quotes? It implies you're actually hitting it very hard, in which case, just fucking say it.
Either do first person unreliable (As in you know as much as the character knows) or Third Person Omnipresence (As in you know everything.)
Has 6 dots in the first two, then three at the back. The proper way to do ellipses is with 3 dots.
... Luna! You just went off a balcony for a few seconds! How long were you out? TALK TO ME LUNA *Starts vigorously shaking Luna*
Also, neither of you seem to be registering the presence of another in your head. I'd register it the moment I hear someone else in my head.
Anyway... Luna! Are you unconscious for the rest of the chapter?! *Starts shaking Luna even more vigorously*
...
One who grabs a random glass of whatever from another pony whom you've just met is retarded. Unless that person is Luna. Reminds me *Hugs Luna* Come on, wake up!
This guy seems to be taking this way too well. At least I would have been inspecting every inch of my pony self, I would've if I felt like I fell off a balcony.
Now, I need to go find some way to wake Luna up.
*Places Luna on a stretcher with wheels and pushes her out of the room*
6039330
...
You fucking try that and I'll punt you to the moon.
I am serious.
Unless you pull it off well.
Then maybe I'll punt you to another continent instead.
Do it abhorrently bad, I'll punt you to the sun.
6039340
The best way to do that is to shock her.
...
"LUNA! YOUR MOLE-RAT HAS ESCAPED AGAIN!"
"He's a POSSUM you illiterate knave!"
...
See? Now she's awake.
6039395
...
Note to self : Luna will wake up if you name her pets wrongly.
Thanks.
What are you writing?
Absolutely nothing!
I'll find out in your dreams anyway.
I really hate that you can do that.
Alright, you got my attention. Let's see if you can get my Fav with the next chapter.
6039399 you need to chill, being kind of a dick to the autor, like he said it's just a story.
6039330 If he Ives you anymore trouble, you can go to his account page and block him from reading and commenting on your stories.
6039453
...
Still gonna be a dick to him.
You're free to be a dick to me.
Still going to punt him into the sun if Luna is characterized wrong.
6039464 he is free to block you from reading and commenting.
6039471
Never said he wasn't free to do so.
As for you, this isn't your story.
6039343 ...ok.
Cowers in fear. I thought this place was filled with friendship...
6039453 Thank you for the support. Still new to writing.
6039538
Oh it is.
Just don't characterize Luna wrong.
We could be best friends.
6039464
6039453
...
You've got the block system wrong.
I'm still allowed to read and comment on his stories.
Just not allowed to PM him.
6039545
...
Luna is Serious Business Mate.
Serious Business.
6039604 no one cares how much Luna means to you, let him write how he wants to write. If I wanted to write a story were Luna is a psychotic tree humper then imma bloody write it.
Good start. Will follow.
First - OOC?
Second - Ali-corn (Other horn)
Also - all of this should be more three way than two way. What I'm saying is that Celestia talks, Luna answers (In his/hers head), Dylan answers outloud.
Also - The main character is used to walking like a human - with two legs - so the part where he/she gets up and walks to the mirror should have extended with the main character struggling to walk with four legs, like a pony.
All-in-all - Funny story. Needs more written to it though.
6039695 augh i read that, and now i have that image in my head. Make it stoooop.
anyway i think your right, but there is also so very little for people to go off of for luna.
As much as a potentially good story you have on your hands, I really need to be honest here: Get an editor, stat.
Hell, I'm willing to edit this piece for ya. Just PM me if you want me to help.
6039544
Well, you did death threat me 3 times,
Punt to the moon = No oxygen = Death
Punt to the sun = Burn alive =Death
Punt to other continent= Luna is probably punting me because of ability to put living things on celestial objects like Celestia meaning 'other continent' means 'other planet'= would not breath during long trip through space when breathing limit is 2 minutes= Death
so...... I dunno.
6040351 Neva!!!!
6039340 I personally like it when an author uses quotes to suggest the opposite of what they're saying. I do it myself. It's sorta like sarcasm. I think it's funny.
Just a note.
I like this story so far. I think it has potential.
6041423 Thank you, I appreciate the support.
6041475
Please make a second chapter. I love this story already.
6039695
You may write it.
I'll leave a scathing comment though.
6040766
You'd probably die the moment you reached space since space is extremely fucking cold. Your blood would boil and you'd freeze over.
Anyway, it's an interesting concept.
Just don't do Luna wrong.
While they aren't as popular as other stories, there are some where a human becomes Luna. There's one in the Seven Score Divided by Four Universe, and several others just scattered around the site. Just need to look for them.
Now on to the story,
While it has promise I find that the protagonist is a bit too chill about the whole situation. Even with the drink and what you say it does she shouldn't be taking this so well, and if it was making her that relaxed then why did she scream? Another thing, is this after Luna was brought back from the moon or before? If it's after she was brought back than Celestia is also very laid back considering the situation. I mean Celestia had to fight her sister because of Nightmare Moon, who seemed to be a completely different pony than Luna ever was. Now someone else is in her sister's head in control of her actions...
Well after that rant my biggest gripe is the spelling and wording. I saw several 'i's in this chapter and one line that's really bothering me right now,
I'm pretty sure it's suppose to be "I asked" or something similar to that, otherwise it seems like Celestia said that, and that is very... confusing.
you know I'm not a grammar nazi but there where a lot of lowercase I's when there should have been capital I's, oh and if you fuck up Luna you will be banished to death by bad fanfics.
6046505 That's the second time I was threatened, but to be fair, there isn't much to go on. She has made a few canon appearances, but not much for me to define her entire personality, and if I get it wrong in the slightest, lots of fans will hate me for it.
PS: Using this logic, I feel bad for the people who personify Derpy.
delete that, it sounds stupid and doesn't belong in a story
Because Luna is best pony that's why!
I like fanfic! I wait the sequel!
Q: When released?