Hey there. I'm a pegasister who loves MLP, and especially Rainbow Dash (not in that way u perv) I ship many things, such as SoarinDash. :3
Rainbow Dash and Soarin haven't been on a real romantic date. Sure they've hung out and kissed, but they've never been on a real date.
Pinkie Pie and Cheese try to help but every time it fails miserably. Even though she doesn't want to ask, will a certain Princess of Love help their relationship go smoothly?
(Some of it is inspired by Regular Show)
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Already I would like to recommend to you some show don't tell. I haven't read too far in yet but I am seeing a lot of sentences that are name did verb. On occasion sentences like those are fine, but reserve them to make a statement, to say something meaningful, with power behind it.
For the majority though you want a bit of spice. We want to see what is happening. Detail is your friend
5961912 Alright, thank you for the help
......
Twenty Bits. Not dollars. I recommend sticking to the first choice of calling. If you choose something first, stick with it.
Since time has passed and we're changing scene, I'd recommend a small line or so between to make it easier to read.
"Wonderbolt" is a name of something, capital W.
End of a sentence and you're lacking a dot.
Dot.
*sigh*
I'm just gonna ignore these now.
Alright...
Now to judge the story itself.
It lacks proper pacing and is cringe worthy at some moments. It has loads of clichés and the characters are, well, out of character. I suppose the Idea is well, and I'm willing to continue this story. My advice is, slow down in the pacing department and get the characters more believable dialogue and actions. L
I'll give you 4 Photo Finishes out of 10.
Nice :)
it just cuts out there and moves on to the next paragraph. You might want to do some editing of what you have up right now, just make sure you manged to get all the errors out of the way. A fun read regardless. Also when you're since Prance is a country when speaking the language you call it Prench, nopony speaks a country, that just doesn't feel right when it's read.
xD Love it