The Sun shall Fall Once More

Luna Is The Best Pony4,635 stories ·7,265 members

It says in an old book in the royal archives that she shall return, The nightmare shall return, but this time for good...

Watch out Equestria,
The Nightmare has returned

And she has no plans on leaving

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RedDawn

RedDawn #1 · Jun 12th, 2015 · · · As the Sun Sets... ·

"Why must you torcher me so?"

'torture;.

say you where killed in some freak accident.

'were'.

Don't worry I'll be back same time tomorrow.

'Don't worry, I'll be back same time tomorrow'.

Luna sat on a heap on the floor crying.

'in'.

Luna, who was starting to give in to the voice was so close to killing her sister.

Need a comma after 'voice'.

I thought you wanted me to end her for you"

Need a comma after 'you'.

"O-OK"

Comma after 'OK'.

"Oh, well I...think that the caption gave them all the night off, or something like that."

'captain'.

And with that Luna jumped at Celestia and shot a deadly blast of magic that could burn a thousand ponys all at once!

'ponies'.

Another blast followed that Celestisa wasn't fast enough to miss.

'Celestia'.

"I- I don't understand"

Comma after 'understand'.

"Tia."

Apostrophe before the 'T'.

With one blast as big as a mantion in CloudsDale she threw Celestia against the wall with a sickening crack.

'mansion' and 'Cloudsdale'.

Blood was every where as Luna Crrnered Celestia for one final blow.

'Everywhere' is one word. Also, 'cornered'.

"I'm so sorry Tia , So, so sorry!"

No space before a comma. Also, the first 'so' shouldn't have a capital letter and ''Tia needs an apostrophe before the 'T'.

"I Love You to Tia."

'too', not 'to'. Also, apostrophe before 'T'.

"End Her!" The voice yelled.

'Her' doesn't need a capital.

"please" But is was only a whisper as Luna slipped away and the Nightmare returned.

'Please', not 'please'. Also, either use 'this' or 'that' instead of 'is'.

Now just to take over Equestria.

take out 'just'

I think I'll start with easy picking while I'll still getting used to this.

'pickings'. Also, 'I'm'.

I think I'll go the the place that the recent Equestia games was held.

Get rid of the double-space between 'I'll' and 'go'. Also, 'Equestria'.

It's islanded, takes awhile for news to get in or out, I think it's perfect!"

Replace 'islanded' with 'isolated'. Also, get rid of 'I think'.

Tia.

Do I really need to explain this one?

Sorry if I sound picky, but I thought I would give your editor a heads up. I think that this story has promise, I really do. Keep updating!

Lunar Soul

Lunar Soul #2 · Jun 12th, 2015 · · · As the Sun Sets... ·

Thanks Red Dawn! I'll change it soon, and update every week or two!

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