Hey there! I'm a 16 year old boy, with a pet gecko, and a very active imgination, I'll take requests but it cannot exceed 2 or more crossovers.
(I'd had this story in my head for ever! I just hope its okay)
When Kyro the pawniard gets to visit Equestria once more, he finds that Evil is lurking.
Light and Darkness....
laughs will be shared, tears will be shed, friends will be made when Blackmist, the ancestor of all Evil, arrives at Equestria, Kyro has to save this world along with his 7 new apprentices!
Feedback greatly appreciated
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....wut
Okay what I read here isn't a story, it's a thousand words of bad grammar trying to put over that "this character is super duper awesome fantastic" and failing at it. There's no storyline here, you just introduced a character and had main characters we're familiar with fawn over his prowess instead of letting us see it for ourselves.
First rule of storytelling; show don't tell.
Also I'm totally sympathetic to giving your characters theme tunes to associate with them but that should be put in a blog post which is then linked to in the authors notes rather than a video just intrusively inserted into the top of the chapter.
Some specifics:
- "Who said a pony of darkness can only be evil" Celestia should not have to say this and the Mane 6 should not have to learn this lesson since they hang around with Princess Luna, the events of Luna Eclipsed were all about this.
- "The protector of worlds". Pretty damned sure Equestria has more than one protector, this guy getting the title just seems like an informed attribute.
- "Twilight's friends were all there with looks that said I can't wait". First, this doesn't match most of their characters. Secondly, it's again another example of trying to hype of Kyro by making the Mane 6 excited even though they would usually be concerned or cautious about Celestia summoning them about stuff from another world (remember Equestria Girls and to a lesser degree the Reflections arc of the comics).
- Why does only spike have an oathborn (and what that is is extremely poorly defined)
- Pretty sure if you catapult a Deathless into the sun or blast them with the levels of magic Twilight has been shown to use they wouldn't get back up, you can't regenerate if there's nothing left.
- Why does his Oathborn match the Mane 6 other than again to try and get cheap likability from the reader? There needs to be a storyline reason for such a specific color scheme.
- Oathborn's are so potent they can be stopped by a normal helmet... what?
- One maneuver is a training session to this guy? Geez never show him a boot camp.
So yeah, on the whole, not a good start here my friend. Your first chapter should, besides being entertaining; establish our main characters and their basic personality and motivations, establish any changes made to the canon world that will be significant right away, show us some interaction so we can get an idea of what the characters are like without being told and should set up future events of the story.
This did none of that and was mostly a dull read. Kyro is quite clearly a creator's pet and this shows in that the author is far too interested in trying to make him seem "cool" rather than giving us any reason to like him or care about anything he does.
Overall: 0.25/5
First off
Yes,most likely the Deathless bodies would be destroyed, but not the soul.
Regeneration chambers take information from the soul and create their new bodies.
Second, My fualt on the Whole darkness can't be good thing, I have terrible memory of past events.
Third, Kyro's Oathborn and the matching color is that that's the Equestria version of the Oathborn, The mane six colours are part of this becuase, And spikes is will yes, I know its very poorly described, but the Oathborn takes its colours and Look by its owners personality. Sorry if that was completely confusing.
Fourth, Kyro's armor is made by Helio, the same material makes up the Oathborn.