Blossomforth's life is turned upside down when she is infected by a mysterious, alien substance that radically chances her organic nature. Is it a blessing or a curse? Now she has to deal with new, strange instincts and even stranger abilities.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Nice, it updated
Yes!
Nice!
More!
Indeed, we would need more XD
Man ponyville is officially screwed. Requesting nuking the town!
Man this story is giving me the goosebumps and the thing is my second scariest fictional creature
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PFFFFT!
PFFFFFFFFT I SAY!
I'm one of only 3 males in a room of 35 for my yoga class and I never got any shit.
Know why?
Because I'm better at it than all of them.
Still can't stop reading! I'm slowly breaking free of the hold your story has on me by the power of the Nope that is human X pony!
Fun story so far.
I find it weird that the entire story until now was third-person Blossomforth, and suddenly Anon appears and his parts are first-person. But that's the only... what's the word? This isn't really a critique since I'm not saying it's bad. Just weird.
... ... Well alright then. I really hope you were trying to make that human unlikable.
Not because he's autistic, antisocial, or as you keep repeating a 'beta male', but because he's so damn emo about it all. I mean you wake up in cartoony paradise and find a stable career pretty much petting pretty ponies and you talk about suicide. Nope, bastard needs some perspective. Loving everything else though.
So far, I'm loving the story. I do have one problem though. Who the heck is Anon? You mentioned him in the first chapters a few times without even introducing the character. But now you've just thrown him in like he was always an integral part of the story. Not sure I follow. Have you written about Anon in other fan fictions? Or is this the first time he's ever been seen? Also, high five for the autism club. Being one myself, I do like how accurate his viewpoint is. Most people don't get it, or don't think it's right. I think it's spot on. Good job. One more question, is this just a sort of re telling of the movie The Thing?
I saw this story a while ago and thought it was worth keeping an eye on, then your latest update came up on my tracking feed so I checked it out.
You have a very good story here with a good premise, however there are some things I would like to mention that dragged it down a bit. One of these main things is you writing in these first few chapters, they need more description, you have Blossomforth coming to conclusions and you simply telling us she has, no thought processes from her point of view, no self deliberation or paths to these conclusion. It is almost like you are Explaining the story rather than telling it. More detailed description and simply more description, with the possibility of making it less clinical would solve these problem, and add a lot more colour to what is otherwise a great story.
That leads me next to the part that stuck out the worst, the part that derailed the whole chapter, and subsequently that meant I had to stop to write this.
The first view of 'Anon'.
I say this because up to that point the chapter had been hampered only by the points previously mentioned, but after that point the end of the chapter took on the same raging inconsistency.
The execution of the chapter just loses it's focus completely, essentially crushed it's rhythm and momentum.
All this is completely separate to pointing out the flaws in the introduction of the 'Anon' character. For one, you called him Anon, this, for me, is a problem for a big story, it's okay for a one-shot, or even a series of one-shots, or the single chapter variations of clop-fiction, but not for a larger story, especially with the potential this one has, (usually Anon is used as a place-holder name until a better one can e found) I can however, let this slide because it is not the main problem.
The main problem is that this character seems like a pseudo-self-reflective, self deprecating, self insert. This is also the reason why they almost never work in a story ever. Self inserts tend to be either overpowered Mary Sues, or incredibly grating emo characters driven by what opinion the author may or may not have of themselves. I would also like to point out that I am not saying he is a reflection of you, but you need to make him seem less like a self insert. Less repetition of the autistic nature, 'beta-male' lines, we only need to hear it once to understand what you're trying to say about the character*, and please, no references to suicide, that was about as ham fisted as it could get, like someone on a forum site or social media claiming they're going to slit their wrists. That last bit sounds insensitive but that is not my intention, I'm just a reviewer.
*A good example might be:- 'Anon' was always a follower when interacting with others, he'd never felt like being the outgoing one so felt that it was better for others to pick the activities so that no-one was unhappy with his choice. It was also because most of his time was spent inside on the computer rather than playing football or anything of that sort, therefore most of his pastimes were solo I'm nature. (this is just a general and very loose character description, but you see what I'm driving at.)
Or this 1st person:- "Whenever I was with friends I'd jus do what they wanted, where to go, where to eat, what game to play, that kind of thing. I like to do my own thing but I always thought others would fid that very boring, so I went along with what they wanted so that everyone would be happy since I just wasn't that bothered where we went or what we did." (or something similar)
Also you switched perspectives without warning from Blossomforth (3rd person) to Anon (1st person), you might want to fix that.
Those are my main views of this story, it's great so far and, though I've yet to read on, you seem to have a good grasp of it. Everything that I've mentioned could be fixed with a bit of revision and polish. Perhaps even finding a pre-reader would be good, I'll even do it if you want me to. If you want me to provide more examples or just as me some questions, reply or PM me.
Edit : Also I full well realise that these issues may already be known to you and perhaps are already remedied in the later chapters given the progress of the story, this is simply a review of these first few chapters.
Keep it up man, it's going well.
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Though, to be fair, it is annoying when the first thing they do is to immediately bring up that they're autistic. Also he's called Anon. Which is a great way to make the character unlikeable unless it's an intentional joke.
It's fine for someone to be depressed, even to be an asshole. But in his case, it just seems like someone trying to be a cunt with no sense of perspective. Which is fine for a villain, but that doesn't look intentional.
I'm rereading the story. It's been about a year since I've done a full re-read. Hoping it will help me to find the inspiration and motivation to continue. Of all the chapters, this one embarrasses me the most. So much so that I am thinking about skipping it and going to the next. Oh well, I was a new writer with no experience. It happens.
Anon, you about to get a Cutie Mark! Who cares if you can't have kids like a normal human, you're gonna get so much more!