Kirb
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Kirb · 14k words · 78 16 · 2.4k views
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AWESOME story, best story I've read on fimfiction yet!
i like it
stayclassy
Now that was something.
The exposition was appropriately comical, too
this was actually fucking perfect. although the ending did ruin the climax of the clop it more than made up for it with the lulz it gave me xD
i liked it from beginning to end. good job!
Wow, thanks for all the good comments, guys! I'll get to as many of them as I can.
5791878 Thanks! Though... if this is seriously the best, I think you need to read more fics.
seriously there are much better writers than me
5792104 I'm glad you do, hopefully I'll write more with Michael, though... hmm... why did you add this to your "Incomplete" folder?
5792141 Heh, I'm glad you enjoy it. I originally wanted to write this as straight clop, with no humorous edge to it, but after getting through the opening scene with Applejack, Zeph and I decided, "eh, fuck it!" And so it became a comedy clop. I hope I can get around to writing more stories in the Michaelverse (as I call it).
5792678 Aww, thanks! And yeah, the ending was supposed to do that. Since this story was based on a strange dream I had, and my dream actually ended before then (with Applejack and Big Mac walking in and looking shocked) I figured that this fic should have a similar ending. Still may leave the two of them scarred for life after seeing their sister doing the schmiggity, though. And especially AJ since little Bloom was doing it with a guy SHE'D tried to rut earlier in the day.
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
5793521 wrong click, lol
stayclassy
5793521 lol nope, I've read a lot of clopfics and fanfics and this s the best one I've ever read.
5793573 Ah.
5793753 Seriously? Wow, that's quite a compliment! Thanks!
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
5796272 really? I read that you put 'sunshine in a bag', is that a reference to the clint eastwood sing?
5796445 Oh, yeah! That's my FIMFic signature, it's a reference to Gorillaz' "Clint Eastwood". Congrats for knowing it, I see you have good taste in music.
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
5798768 lol that actually is my favorite non- pony or video game song.
I quite liked the story you and Zephyr have going on. Though I can't fully tell you what worked so well. I'm guessing that it mostly comes from the writing style, which is very open and feels more natural. You guys don't beat around the bush, just straight and to the point, which works better in these kinds of stories than lots of fancy hipster words.
Another thing I liked was that you kept it as 'Show don't tell' which is something that many writers have trouble with. So good job on that as well.
However, a couple of things either confused me or were not as strong. The thing that confused me the most was the timeskip the story's description let on.
There is nothing particularly wrong with that, I've read plenty of stories with timeskips. But knowing more about those six months would really enhance the world that you've set up for us to follow. Knowing more about Michael is a godsend, as we hardly know anything about the guy, other than he's just a nice guy.I hope that you two will expand upon this. Not a flaw per se, but something that I do hope for.
A flaw that you have in your story is the ending, which feels rather incomplete. The story sort of stops in the end, without any 'climax' to really speak of. I don't know if you guys did this on purpose, but to me it feels off. Another flaw lies with Michael himself, but this could potentially just be a pet peeve of mine. As much as I like Michael's character (and I really think he's a likable guy) he sort of falls in the 'too perfect kind of guy'. Like, I don't believe a person who's never had sex before can suddenly make a girl cum two times in a row. Especially when both are unfamiliar with their bodies to this extend. Also him insulting Snips and Snails, for as small the line and little character we get from Michael, seems a little too mean and out of character.
Besides all that, I can't find much fault with the story. In fact, it is one of the few stories that I see a lot of potential in. You've got enough character to build something really nice out of. I wish you both best of luck, you've got something nice going on here.
This was a fun story to read. I don't read many CMC stories due to lack of motivation, and I really should change that since I plan on writing a Sweetie Belle story eventually, so I'm glad I started with this one.
The opening scene with AJ was really funny, and the connection between Michael and Apple Bloom was good enough. With one shot romances, there's a lot to tell in a short amount of time if you want the connection to be authentic, so with that in mind, you guys did well.
The one critique I have pertains to the ending. It felt really abrupt, and it would've been nice if you took the time to properly conclude the lovemaking scene as well as have a nice conversation between Micheal and AB afterward to put a nice bow on top.
Still, it was an enjoyable story and I felt that my time was put to good use reading it.
5798842 Is it now? Well, I'll be damned. I own their entire discography on CD, so you could say I'm a fan.
Anyway, thanks for watching me! I'd love it if you could also read my newest blog post about what you would like in future stories with Michael (and also for a nude version of the cover art!)
5799120 Thanks for the feedback! Since we're planning on making more of these, I'll definitely take your thoughts into mind. There are specific parts of your comment I'd like to talk about, though.
I'm glad you brought that up. Since I plan on making several stories with our protagonist, I definitely will develop his background in Equestria and explain more. The reason I didn't talk about it in this story was because I wanted it to be a stream-of-consciousness; that is, not taking long breaks to go back and talk about his backstory or anything, but just describing things as if they were happening right then and there. But depending on what Zeph thinks, I'm definitely interested in making a backstory for how Michael arrives in Equestria, what he does during those months, etc. As for this part of your comment:
You also mentioned his personality in the earlier section, and honestly, it's not just you. Zeph and I have already planned at least two more stories in the Michaelverse (as I'm dubbing it), one of which might not even be clop. In those stories, we can develop his character and personality. The reason it wasn't expanded upon here was that throughout the writing of this, I was unsure of whether I wanted to make it a 2nd person story, with incredibly vague descriptions of the protagonist. But now that we're sure, we'll definitely be going through and expanding the character, giving him flaws and imperfections and an actual personality (I realize that he doesn't really have a personality and is just a blank slate here, but there are many characters there and they seem to be pretty popular.) I realize too that I haven't even described Michael's appearance, so these are all definite goals I wish to accomplish.
...okay, you have a point there but it was too tempting to resist.
5799150 I'd love to read your story as soon as you're done with it.
Thing is, this story isn't exactly a one-shot. I mean, okay, so it's a single chapter, but we plan on expanding it to a full series of stories, but yeah, I see what you mean and thanks.
That seems to be a common thought among commenters here. 5799120 also mentioned the want of a proper ending, as did 5792678. If it's any consolation, Zeph and I have talked about the possibility of releasing a short follow-up chapter, so if enough of you want to see what finally happens (and possibly, hm, the awkward breakfast the next morning) then you may get it.
Again, thanks to all of you for your comments! I'll be sure to make more stories about our protagonists here--wouldn't want to make Apple Bloom sad, right?
Ah'm only sad 'cuz y'all made mah boobs too tiny!
Hey, you don't even look like that in canon. Would you rather me have portrayed you with no boobs, like how you look in canon?
roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/bloomgah.png?wrap=true D'oh! Don't do that!
Good, I'm glad we agree.
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
Don't hold your breath. It'll be a pretty long time before I get it started since I have other stories I want to do first.
Well THAT ended pretty well
Was far less awkward than I expected of anyone's first time, and some things happened a bit too quickly. However within the story itself it can be forgiven as it was nicely written
Why is it that I always find a story with the apple family the most interesting to me?
5799413 I know how you feel. I'm currently trying to work on my main story here Of Night and Stone, a Gargoyles crossover, but so much other stuff is getting in the way. I don't know when Zeph and I will make a sequel to this, but hopefully soon.
5800435 True. Then again, neither he nor Bloom have actually finished yet, and for all we know he could cum too fast. We'll see in the epilogue we eventually create for this. Thanks for reading, anyway! Zeph and I had a fun time writing this and bringing it to life as a fanfiction.
5802949 Well, for them they're the family with the most development in the show. Think of it: Twilight's brother only plays a small part in the show and her parents never speak. Rarity's parents have only appeared once too, and they appear to be deadbeats. Maud Pie is the only one of the Pie family who's ever spoken. We only saw Dash's dad once. And we're not even sure if Fluttershy has a family. So that might be it.
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
5806614 I just find them more interesting you know?
5807274 Yeah, I can see that. Which may explain why so many people write incestuous fics with them... ugh...
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
5814752 :)
Lovely XD
It would be kinda interesting to see how long you could make this kind of story
Cool, I just wasn't thinking you'd go for pirate sex
Great chapter. It was sexy, cute, and absolutely hilarious with the breakfast incident.
If there was genetic compatibilty then probably pretty interesting fun times with mornin sickness. Then again, for that to work, they'd have to have lots and lots of sex during heat. Or just get (un)lucky
Great story, AB is pretty awesome :P
It's refreshing to read a shipping fic that includes secondary characters. This one had generic sprinkled here and there but it's nothing bad at all.
Don't stop improving your authorship.
5857985 Thanks for the comment! fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/014/c/3/fitwi_by_comeha-d7252jt.png
5858227 Haha, we'll see. I actually do plan on making more of these fics with Michael eventually, including one explaining his backstory. Even if these fics don't involve clop, I definitely plan on keeping the comedic edge that people seemed to enjoy so much about this one. roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/excite.gif
5858244 Yarrr! Pirate sex is best sex! (Not that I'd know or anything... roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/liarjack.gif )
5859349 Thanks! I figured people would find that funny. And if they didn't, well, they were the ones who asked for an epilogue! roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/mlp_smirk.png
5861954 roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/facehoof.png Well, I doubt they would be genetically compatible, anyway. Unless we're going by Star Trek logic, where all humanoid species can somehow produce babies with each other. Vulcan + human = baby, Klingon + human = baby, Klingon + Trill = baby, so confusing! roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/bloomgah.png
5875633 I have to admit, I wasn't as interested in her or any of the Apple family before I had the dream that inspired this RP/fic, but after that, and after seeing the episode "Bloom and Gloom," I'm interested to see more of Apple Bloom. roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/inquisitive.png
5885077 Yeah, well, I tried to balance out the generic with some humor. Personally, I'd like to see more comedy clop fics, so I can take turns between being horny and laughing out loud. fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/014/a/8/hapie_by_comeha-d7251pk.png
And thanks! Zeph and I are working on a new fic with my girlfriend starring Rainbow Dash, Soarin, and Daring Do. Hopefully that gets at least as good reception as this. i453.photobucket.com/albums/qq260/spacewings/EmoteDashWet_zps24095993.png
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
5885739 Yea I wasnt super interested in her until I read one fic that was really good, althought I don't remember its title. Then I was like, can't all the pones be written sexy, in a way?
5885739 No prob.
Good sory, needs a alternate ending. The guy jumping from a window as Big Mac gives chase with a shotgun and yelling "It's Wedding Time!"
Needs Original Character tag. Other tag is only for show/comic characters that don't have their own tag.
5900250 Whoops! Sorry, just fixed that.
5885861 Yep! Though I still stick to my belief that Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara cannot be portrayed sexy, or cute, or funny, or anything apart from being the most despicable ponies ever. Unless you have proof otherwise. (Challenge!)
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
5892903 Lol nope. I already wrote an epilogue, not writing another one!
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
5901198 No, that's for the sequel! Because if they keep going like that someone is gonna end up preggers!
5901207 Haha, well, I doubt they're genetically compatible. I'm sure magic could fix that if they wanted a foal, but in the meantime, I'm going by the belief that humans cannot get ponies pregnant... or can they?
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
5901247 Well if you look at it this way lets take a look at Tirek. Obviously a Pony (thinking Unicorn) and Minotaur hybrid and his brother was possibly a Pegasus and Minotaur hybrid. There are several hybrid creatures running about. So I have a feeling magic infuses everything in Equestria and makes the compatible, eventually. Eat the food long enough, breath its air and enough magic will infuse a human to make them 'part' of the Equestrian whole.
Just a theory mind you.
But for your stories, they can be compatible if you want them to be. And Big Mac can have a double barreled shotgun if he wants to.
When big mac and aj opened that door
I laughed
This was an enjoyable epilogue. Well done.
5901266
So your theory is that Equestria is Xanth? I'll buy that.
5904161 Xanth? Man I haven't read a Xanth novel in twent years.
5904694
Well, what you said about all the magic immediately made me think of the effects of the Xanth love springs.
5905004 Yeah I vaguely remember the story's. I was looking at the pic of Tirek and his brother and noted they were minotaurs yet had parts from other animals. We have ton's of chimera's running around. Its not to far to think that there is the capacity for cross species breeding. It is a world filled with magic after all.
But a human would be a blank slate. Being from a non-magical world and all but as one remained in Equestria eating the food, breathing the air they would slowly take it in. And one of two things happen. They acclimatize and eventually become another semi-magical creature running about.
Or the foreign magic becomes a poison and the human dies or becomes crippled. Sort of like poison. Small amounts may be consumed and absorbed (arsenic or lead is a good example-very low doses) but two much and your in the ground and a worm party in the making.
omg the way you ended it seemed to make way for a sequel! dammit now i want to know how his future is gonna be like and what applejack wanted to talk to twilight about?! her secret love for mitch?! her uncomfortable feeling with mitch and apple bloom's relationship?!
5902909 That was probably the most fun scene in this to write for me.
The second most fun would be the sex, of course, and the third most fun was the scene where AJ tries to molest Mitch.
...that last part came out wrong. roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/bloomgah.png
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
5901266 This is true. I've always been under the belief that, since humans originate from a different universe altogether, their bodies wouldn't easily adapt to the rules of Equestria. But that's just me. Besides, I may be a little biased since I don't want to have kids, ever.
5905004 Forgive me for sounding stupid, but what is Xanth?
5905582 If it makes you feel any better, I'm planning on making a series of fics with this, so your questions might be answered. And by the way, no, Applejack isn't in love with Mitch. He was just the closest male in the vicinity, and she was in heat, so...
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
5906453
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xanth
...you know, answering these sorts of questions has gotten much easier since I discovered linking Wikipedia.
5906453 Xanth is puns, let's leave it at that. Except they literally have horses called Nightmares who's job it is to deliver bad dreams and a sack of tat can get you some tit from a nymph.
5906458
5906980
Looks interesting. I'll have to check that out sometime.
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
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For those of you who are wondering about the future of Spring Is in Bloom, I made a post about it.
-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png