AWESOME story, best story I've read on fimfiction yet!

i like it

stayclassy

Now that was something. The exposition was appropriately comical, too

this was actually fucking perfect. although the ending did ruin the climax of the clop it more than made up for it with the lulz it gave me xD

i liked it from beginning to end. good job!

Wow, thanks for all the good comments, guys! I'll get to as many of them as I can.

5791878 Thanks! Though... if this is seriously the best, I think you need to read more fics. seriously there are much better writers than me

5792104 I'm glad you do, hopefully I'll write more with Michael, though... hmm... why did you add this to your "Incomplete" folder?

5792141 Heh, I'm glad you enjoy it. I originally wanted to write this as straight clop, with no humorous edge to it, but after getting through the opening scene with Applejack, Zeph and I decided, "eh, fuck it!" And so it became a comedy clop. I hope I can get around to writing more stories in the Michaelverse (as I call it).

5792678 Aww, thanks! And yeah, the ending was supposed to do that. Since this story was based on a strange dream I had, and my dream actually ended before then (with Applejack and Big Mac walking in and looking shocked) I figured that this fic should have a similar ending. Still may leave the two of them scarred for life after seeing their sister doing the schmiggity, though. And especially AJ since little Bloom was doing it with a guy SHE'D tried to rut earlier in the day.

-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png

5793521 wrong click, lol

stayclassy

5793521 lol nope, I've read a lot of clopfics and fanfics and this s the best one I've ever read.

5793573 Ah.

5793753 Seriously? Wow, that's quite a compliment! Thanks!

-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png

5796272 really? I read that you put 'sunshine in a bag', is that a reference to the clint eastwood sing?

5796445 Oh, yeah! That's my FIMFic signature, it's a reference to Gorillaz' "Clint Eastwood". Congrats for knowing it, I see you have good taste in music.

-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png

5798768 lol that actually is my favorite non- pony or video game song.

I quite liked the story you and Zephyr have going on. Though I can't fully tell you what worked so well. I'm guessing that it mostly comes from the writing style, which is very open and feels more natural. You guys don't beat around the bush, just straight and to the point, which works better in these kinds of stories than lots of fancy hipster words.

Another thing I liked was that you kept it as 'Show don't tell' which is something that many writers have trouble with. So good job on that as well.

However, a couple of things either confused me or were not as strong. The thing that confused me the most was the timeskip the story's description let on.

After spending six months spent in Equestria, Michael was finally beginning to get used to his new life. But everything changed when spring arrived.

There is nothing particularly wrong with that, I've read plenty of stories with timeskips. But knowing more about those six months would really enhance the world that you've set up for us to follow. Knowing more about Michael is a godsend, as we hardly know anything about the guy, other than he's just a nice guy.I hope that you two will expand upon this. Not a flaw per se, but something that I do hope for.

A flaw that you have in your story is the ending, which feels rather incomplete. The story sort of stops in the end, without any 'climax' to really speak of. I don't know if you guys did this on purpose, but to me it feels off. Another flaw lies with Michael himself, but this could potentially just be a pet peeve of mine. As much as I like Michael's character (and I really think he's a likable guy) he sort of falls in the 'too perfect kind of guy'. Like, I don't believe a person who's never had sex before can suddenly make a girl cum two times in a row. Especially when both are unfamiliar with their bodies to this extend. Also him insulting Snips and Snails, for as small the line and little character we get from Michael, seems a little too mean and out of character.

Besides all that, I can't find much fault with the story. In fact, it is one of the few stories that I see a lot of potential in. You've got enough character to build something really nice out of. I wish you both best of luck, you've got something nice going on here.

This was a fun story to read. I don't read many CMC stories due to lack of motivation, and I really should change that since I plan on writing a Sweetie Belle story eventually, so I'm glad I started with this one.

The opening scene with AJ was really funny, and the connection between Michael and Apple Bloom was good enough. With one shot romances, there's a lot to tell in a short amount of time if you want the connection to be authentic, so with that in mind, you guys did well.

The one critique I have pertains to the ending. It felt really abrupt, and it would've been nice if you took the time to properly conclude the lovemaking scene as well as have a nice conversation between Micheal and AB afterward to put a nice bow on top.

Still, it was an enjoyable story and I felt that my time was put to good use reading it.

5798842 Is it now? Well, I'll be damned. I own their entire discography on CD, so you could say I'm a fan.
Anyway, thanks for watching me! I'd love it if you could also read my newest blog post about what you would like in future stories with Michael (and also for a nude version of the cover art!)

5799120 Thanks for the feedback! Since we're planning on making more of these, I'll definitely take your thoughts into mind. There are specific parts of your comment I'd like to talk about, though.

The thing that confused me the most was the timeskip the story's description let on.

After spending six months spent in Equestria, Michael was finally beginning to get used to his new life. But everything changed when spring arrived.

There is nothing particularly wrong with that, I've read plenty of stories with timeskips. But knowing more about those six months would really enhance the world that you've set up for us to follow.

I'm glad you brought that up. Since I plan on making several stories with our protagonist, I definitely will develop his background in Equestria and explain more. The reason I didn't talk about it in this story was because I wanted it to be a stream-of-consciousness; that is, not taking long breaks to go back and talk about his backstory or anything, but just describing things as if they were happening right then and there. But depending on what Zeph thinks, I'm definitely interested in making a backstory for how Michael arrives in Equestria, what he does during those months, etc. As for this part of your comment:

Another flaw lies with Michael himself, but this could potentially just be a pet peeve of mine. As much as I like Michael's character (and I really think he's a likable guy) he sort of falls in the 'too perfect kind of guy'.

You also mentioned his personality in the earlier section, and honestly, it's not just you. Zeph and I have already planned at least two more stories in the Michaelverse (as I'm dubbing it), one of which might not even be clop. In those stories, we can develop his character and personality. The reason it wasn't expanded upon here was that throughout the writing of this, I was unsure of whether I wanted to make it a 2nd person story, with incredibly vague descriptions of the protagonist. But now that we're sure, we'll definitely be going through and expanding the character, giving him flaws and imperfections and an actual personality (I realize that he doesn't really have a personality and is just a blank slate here, but there are many characters there and they seem to be pretty popular.) I realize too that I haven't even described Michael's appearance, so these are all definite goals I wish to accomplish.

Also him insulting Snips and Snails, for as small the line and little character we get from Michael, seems a little too mean and out of character.

...okay, you have a point there but it was too tempting to resist.

5799150 I'd love to read your story as soon as you're done with it.
Thing is, this story isn't exactly a one-shot. I mean, okay, so it's a single chapter, but we plan on expanding it to a full series of stories, but yeah, I see what you mean and thanks.

The one critique I have pertains to the ending. It felt really abrupt, and it would've been nice if you took the time to properly conclude the lovemaking scene as well as have a nice conversation between Micheal and AB afterward to put a nice bow on top.

That seems to be a common thought among commenters here. 5799120 also mentioned the want of a proper ending, as did 5792678. If it's any consolation, Zeph and I have talked about the possibility of releasing a short follow-up chapter, so if enough of you want to see what finally happens (and possibly, hm, the awkward breakfast the next morning) then you may get it.

Again, thanks to all of you for your comments! I'll be sure to make more stories about our protagonists here--wouldn't want to make Apple Bloom sad, right?
Ah'm only sad 'cuz y'all made mah boobs too tiny!
Hey, you don't even look like that in canon. Would you rather me have portrayed you with no boobs, like how you look in canon?
roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/bloomgah.png?wrap=true D'oh! Don't do that!
Good, I'm glad we agree.

-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png

I'd love to read your story as soon as you're done with it.

Don't hold your breath. It'll be a pretty long time before I get it started since I have other stories I want to do first.

Well THAT ended pretty well
Was far less awkward than I expected of anyone's first time, and some things happened a bit too quickly. However within the story itself it can be forgiven as it was nicely written

Why is it that I always find a story with the apple family the most interesting to me?

5799413 I know how you feel. I'm currently trying to work on my main story here Of Night and Stone, a Gargoyles crossover, but so much other stuff is getting in the way. I don't know when Zeph and I will make a sequel to this, but hopefully soon.

5800435 True. Then again, neither he nor Bloom have actually finished yet, and for all we know he could cum too fast. We'll see in the epilogue we eventually create for this. Thanks for reading, anyway! Zeph and I had a fun time writing this and bringing it to life as a fanfiction.

5802949 Well, for them they're the family with the most development in the show. Think of it: Twilight's brother only plays a small part in the show and her parents never speak. Rarity's parents have only appeared once too, and they appear to be deadbeats. Maud Pie is the only one of the Pie family who's ever spoken. We only saw Dash's dad once. And we're not even sure if Fluttershy has a family. So that might be it.

-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png

5806614 I just find them more interesting you know?

5807274 Yeah, I can see that. Which may explain why so many people write incestuous fics with them... ugh...

-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png

5814752 :)

Good sory, needs a alternate ending. The guy jumping from a window as Big Mac gives chase with a shotgun and yelling "It's Wedding Time!"

5892903 Lol nope. I already wrote an epilogue, not writing another one!

-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png

When big mac and aj opened that door
I laughed

5902909 That was probably the most fun scene in this to write for me. The second most fun would be the sex, of course, and the third most fun was the scene where AJ tries to molest Mitch.

...that last part came out wrong. roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/bloomgah.png

-Kirb, got sunshine in a bag. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png

Good one shot, well written and overall very...arousing. I wish you the best of luck in future endeavors, and if you ever require assistance, then I'm more then happy to assist

It seems that this was the point where she couldn’t hold it back any longer, and moaned up again, into her palm; she covered her own mouth with her hands!

Apple Bloom, there's no need to prevent yourself from letting the world know that you love Michael! Don't hold back, let it out!