That was interesting, I'm liking this story so far even though I've never seen Samurai Jack. I thought perhaps the opening chapter was a little over the top in describing the dead elements but, eh! whatever right? Your writing style isn't perfect but its mostly fine. Though you do lapse fairly often into this: "Can you really do it?"
"Course Ah can. Ah promise. They don't call me honest Applejack fer nothin'."
"Stondust."
"Huh?"
"My name is Stondust."
"Then Ah'll be back. Ah promise, Stondust."
Just the dialogue without any description on actions and how it's spoken or saying who's speaking. It's not a big problem and it's fine to use occasionally but you're using it a little too regularly. This was your most interesting chapter yet, I was impressed to see you didn't end it on a "perfect note". That is to say the hero shows up, saves the day, has a feast and leaves everybody happy. Instead you gave the elephants a darker edge and instead of just being the victims they now have their own moral issues. I like that and think it would cool if you were to do similar sort of endings in future. I'm giving this story a favorite and a like.
It was easy to spot, being several time her size, but she couldn't tell what it was. "What's this," is what she tried to say, but instead only a whiny came out. "Ah'm sorry, Ah can't. Ah'm already on a mission and Ah can't stay here. You'll just have tah learn tah defend yerselves.
1. Times. 2. Whine. 3. Forgot your closing quotation mark.
I need a co-writer or something.
Hey, so I have a blog now.
Best chapter.
I didn't notice anything wrong, and your keeping me entertained. Good show!
I like that it feels like an episode for a chapter.
That was interesting, I'm liking this story so far even though I've never seen Samurai Jack. I thought perhaps the opening chapter was a little over the top in describing the dead elements but, eh! whatever right?
Your writing style isn't perfect but its mostly fine. Though you do lapse fairly often into this:
"Can you really do it?"
"Course Ah can. Ah promise. They don't call me honest Applejack fer nothin'."
"Stondust."
"Huh?"
"My name is Stondust."
"Then Ah'll be back. Ah promise, Stondust."
Just the dialogue without any description on actions and how it's spoken or saying who's speaking. It's not a big problem and it's fine to use occasionally but you're using it a little too regularly.
This was your most interesting chapter yet, I was impressed to see you didn't end it on a "perfect note". That is to say the hero shows up, saves the day, has a feast and leaves everybody happy. Instead you gave the elephants a darker edge and instead of just being the victims they now have their own moral issues. I like that and think it would cool if you were to do similar sort of endings in future.
I'm giving this story a favorite and a like.
It was easy to spot, being several time her size, but she couldn't tell what it was.
"What's this," is what she tried to say, but instead only a whiny came out.
"Ah'm sorry, Ah can't. Ah'm already on a mission and Ah can't stay here. You'll just have tah learn tah defend yerselves.
1. Times.
2. Whine.
3. Forgot your closing quotation mark.
Shit has hit the proverbial fanonce again.
718589
Fixed (these and the others)
On, and it should have been whinny, not whine. As in the noise horses make.