An incredibly strong heat wave affects Equestria, seemingly connected to the Princess of the Sun status. Equestria will be greatly changed by it.
Chapters (8)
Spica
Joined 20th Mar, 2012 ·
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This is very interesting. I wonder what's going to happen next.
interesting? is it sun spots?
CONTINUE!!
First of all, I'd like to thank everypony who favorited this story, I didn't think a little story would get such popularity in anyway, I hope to live up to expectations.
Comments would be kindly apreciated, and also I'd like to point you to my other story, The Gift.
I hope to be reading from you :3
It's a good story so far. Keep up the good work.
I apologize for the lapse in updating. I have some tough time setting down to get to this, and the story has shifted away from what it originally was.
I know Zecora's rhymes are not always spot on, but I do my best. It's probable that I requiere assistance in the near future... SPOILERS
Hope to see you soon again!
660698
It's a great story man, keep it up!
quite like the mythos here^^
great story so far
Pffft haha
Oh Zecora is such a Boss
It kinda seems like you rushed this page. Quite a few mistakes and many things weren't explained properly. I love the ideas that were created in the ending but I think it needs a re-write. Try going over it again and just give some time to the parts which feel lacking. But overall, love the story
and maybe there's room for a sequel?
916491
Yes, it might be a little rushed. But the things unanswered, well, as you deducted, there's going to be a sequel. It might be a weeks from now, though, so in the meantime, can I redirect you to my other stories, if you don't have them in list?
:
And commentaries like yours are always what I wait for. Thank you. See you soon.
THIS WAS PURELY EPIC!!!!!
Wonderful story, I cannot understand how somebody can give this a thumbdown :(
However, take my watch and fav, and be ready for further comments of mine
“Is that Lyra… jumping around in her hind legs?”
In? I sure as hell hope not. Unless she's a human in a pony suit....
1177079
Got a point there. 1176351
Thanks, hope you enjoy my other stories as well.
excitation
Excitement.
Excitation is a molecular term, so if Twilight's eyes had that, you wouldn't be able to notice anything different
She briefly picked on the currently weak, but just noticeable –at least for Twilight. She doubted Rarity could feel anything of the sort- magic aura that currently leaked from the white unicorn, before talking to her.
Putting a full stop inside a - interstitial comment - makes reading things very confusing. I suggest you replace it with a semicolon.
The scholar looked at the designer for a while, unable to decipher her friends.
Missing word ("expression"?)
1177333
Hey, thanks for your pointers. It's very difficult for me, considering I hadn't an editor at the time. I might need to go back and have it revised. I appreciate your help.
Um, if it's not a problem with you, can we get this elsewhere? I don't think having the comments section full of patchings is very good. I hope you don't mind.
Pinkie Pie occupied herself in eating cupcakes along Spike, who sat in front of her, in table, and writing down new recipes.
Pinkie occupied herself [in or with, probably with] eating cupcakes, alongside Spike, who sat in front of her on the table, writing down new recipes.
IMO you need to get a prereader involved.
Okay, read the first chapter and the thing that jumps out at me the most are the improper usage of words. You need to know when to use in and on accordingly. Almost every use of either word in the entire first chapter was wrong. Seriously. There may have been one or two that were used correctly. Another thing to follow up on is how dry it is (not a pun on the heat wave). There's so little description that it's like you're just trying to get it over with. It's monotonous and uninteresting at times and even the delivering of the main issue was pretty stiff.
I'll probably come back and finish reading it sometime later in the week since it has a good premise, though. You just need to work on improving your storytelling and such.
1204073
I appreciate your criticizing. Celestia's Flare was one of my earliest stories and I'd like to think I've gotten a little better since then (in the storytelling deparment, if not in the grammar one: in constant need of editors)
Perhaps I could convince you to check Playing the Heart's Strings and see what you think?
So much rushing. So. So much. Missing words, mixed up words and the like. Just wow. So friggin many issues. And yet. I still really like this story. Then again I love Twirity so... yeah.
I already read in the comment-section that this was one of your early stories and that you had no editor at the time. So what I'm about to write is probably for a rewrite, if you ever attempt one.
There were... mistakes. Missing words or letters, something got mixed up, stuff like that. Some in the beginning, a lot at the end. As was already said, it felt rushed towards the end, too. Zecoras speech seemed a tad off concerning her rhyme scheme. You said Lunas attempt to support the growth of that plant cut their extended camping trip from four weeks down to two. Later on, you said she only managed to cut it by one week. Also: If pumping energy helps the flower grow and everything they had to do was sitting around the right spot for a couple of days/weeks - why didn't Luna simply order every unicorn in Ponyville to sit around that place, too?
Twilight is pretty clever - why didn't she ask for Lunas help in powering the plant the instant she got told by Zecora how it works? And for that matter, if Cadance was around - she could've been useful, too.
Raritys emotional side felt underdeveloped. 'I felt your heart pounding' - that was really all it took?
At one point, you described how the heat got worse and worse, even at night. Still, those nights for Twi and Rarity in the Everfree were awfully cold so they had to cuddle...?
What was the big deal with Rainbow stealing snow - did I miss it?
If Luna could move the sun - why not extend the night for a few more hours, so the plants don't go to waste and the ponies don't get roasted? Everything could be set to normal once the crisis is over. And with Celestia radiating enough heat to scorch her chamber-doors, everything within her room had to be burned to the ground. How could Luna feed the remedy to Celestia without it getting evaporated into thin air the instant it got too close to her?
Those would be my most important nitpicks if you ever attempt a rewrite. As was said before: The premise of this story was intriguing, I would appreciate that effort. In it's current state, though, it's in dire need of work.
I'm sorry.