Twilight likes logic. Logic makes sense. And it's those very things that make sense that Twilight does so enjoy.
A story about Twilight as a filly, set after she witnesses Celestia raising the sun and becomes inspired to study magic. She possesses great capacity for educated assumption, with which her natural naivety does not well mix.
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The writing probably improves towards the end, as I was still finding my bearing initially (and I actually wrote the first bit in Notes on my iPod, not fun). Constructive criticism is most welcome, and I hope reading this does not result in any trauma, mental or otherwise.
Enjoy the show!
Silly Twilight, humans have been outlawed from Equestria due to the excess of Mary Sues!
1011525 *shifty eyes* I don't know what you're talking about
You have a potentially interesting premise here, but your execution needs a lot of work. Good luck mate :)
1012065 That's exactly what I wanted to hear. Thankyou
What exactly needs altering, though? I know it's a little off, but for the life of me I can't critique my own work. I think I need to make a plan before I start writing, it's been very improvised thus far (not the events, the actual writing)
1012105
that's what i get for opening my mouth. hooookay, gimme a sec.
,,,
Okay, so just on skim:
Dialogue tagging is off. See the Editor’s Omnibus at EQD. (Just google it)
Ellipses have a space after them unless beginning a sentence… and they always have three dots, no more… no less.
Em dash and hyphen confusion. Em dashes are for appositive splits or interruptions, hyphens are used to link compounds.
You’ve systemic issues with awkward phrasing. Lines like this “frowned in ponderance” are what I’m talking about. It’s clunky, and harms the flow of your narrative.
—
Right. If you genuinely want to improve your writing and understand the value of honest, critical feedback, then you can head over the ponychan’s /fic/ board. There they offer reviews of fiction, and will help coach you into becoming a better writer. Cheers mate!
1012114 Haha, sorry for being a nuisance. The awkward phrasing bit was what I really needed to know, when reading back through I could tell something felt clunky, as you so well described it, but I couldn't figure out exactly what. I think I know how to remedy it, I'll give it a shot. I did actually mean to use an em dash, I just forgot/was too lazy to fetch the alt code for it, haha. Using two dots as a sort of modded ellipsis that's meant to sound shorter than an actual ellipsis pause is something I've gotten into a habit of using, one that I will strive to break for the good of all that is grammatically correct!
I'll check out Editors Omnibus and ponychan's /fic/ board, thanks for pointing me there. And thanks for the effort you've put into helping me improve this, even if it was just your politeness making you do it
1011525
to pin on to his comment i found this too
"been written so that people could be entertained."
1013191 Haha, thanks. Just ctrl+f'd 'people' and didn't find anything else, and then 'person' for that to be ok too.
1013210Oh yeah?
1013580 I'll let you enjoy pointing out and laughing at errors if I can get sneak peaks of your Dusk Shine story before it gets uploaded. Fair deal?
Or alternatively I could borrow you for the next chapter. And then the one after. And then perhaps for the rest of my life.
I look forward to more. :)
Cute so far! I like stories that feature Twilight in her early youth. Hope to see more from you soon!
This looks like it will be fun.
I like it. 20 bits says the daughter is Cadance.
I love this story! MOAR!!
Not a bad chapter. Twilight sorta reminds me of Mr. Spock in this, only she's nerdier.
DAT paragraph, DAT Plot!
I want to like it, but as you stated at the beginning the prose was so thick that I, honestly, just couldn't read it. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, though, and hope that you fix it up some. Your ideas are fantastic, it's just the execution that bothers me.
Are you going to write more? I for one don't have a problem with the "chunkiness" because I think that that is just how Twilight would think, even at that young of an age. Please write more!!!!
1921826 Hooooboy.
A lot of shit has happened since I started this, haha. More shit than I'd have liked.
I've also since having had this on unofficial hiatus learned a lot about world building/story crafting in general. And I mean a LOT, relative to what I knew prior (ie when writing this). Reading this again makes it evident how little I knew where I was going with anything; I sorta just made some characters and then made them do stuff, writing down whatever seemed viable in a flurry of improvisation. I'll have to do some serious thinking and adapting to get this to work as anything that might resemble any sort of good story, starting with the first damn chapter.
I'll get right on it when I finish homestuck `3`
1921826
That was my reaction as well; this reads like the inside of Twilight's head. And I'm thoroughly enjoying every word of it. I look forward to seeing where this goes.
hope to read more soon