Mystery and adventure, now with books!
Twilight Sparkle's weekly book shipment arrives one book too big. Among the others, there's a handbook about pony genetics. Curiosity leads her to an interesting discovery.
One of the best stories I've ever read. Professor Jade is a strong character.
Thank you most sincerely.
I'll do my best to make the story as good as possible to the very end.
This is very good. I'm tracking.
Best Pony approves.
2nd Best pony also approves.
Hello everyone from FIMFiction. I'd would like say that i'm a bit new here and enjoying reading people's fan fictons. But that's the problem, i dont really know how to actually post a fan fiction. So it would be REALLY helpful if someone were to tell me how to and thanks for your time.
Keep it up Jappers!
And the plot thickens...
I can't wait to read more, though I never thought I'd read a fanfic about pony genetics
I never thought I'd write one.
Actually the idea was born during a Derpy drama discussion on one movie forum. I was throwing ideas and suddenly I thought "this could be a nice idea for a fanfic". And that's how Equestria was made.
This story needs more recognition!
I'll upload it to EqD but first I need a solid pre-read (Ponychan's /fic/ is so crowded, first two chapters are waiting for a review since forever).
Also, thank you very much. I don't know if it really does, I wouldn't dream of such warm reception as I got here.
This is pretty cool, I hadn't thought of this!
Although my headcanon always was that the Princesses and Royal Dye Pony had a special magic brew for the guards.
Et tu, Boba Fett?
WHAT A TWIST!
I'll quote Ace Ventura on this one:
G. That's all I could think immediately after the end of the chapter.
wow, I wasn't expecting that to happen I think I partly understand what some of the things in the scroll stood for, like U and P and maybe the nu, but what was the rest supposed to mean?
Very good. I especially liked the end. It really came out of nowhere.
Constructive criticism time:
When the same person is talking, you don't use quotation marks to end the paragraph. So when you have this:
“[...]they always wanted me to be who I wanted to be.”
“The day I finally got my cutie mark,” she continued after a short pause. “He finally surrendered. [...]"
“[...]they always wanted me to be who I wanted to be.
“The day I finally got my cutie mark,” she continued after a short pause, “he finally surrendered."
Also, the study of snakes falls under herpetology. I get where you're going at with ophiology, but technically herpetology's what you want. I think. What do I know, I'm not a herpetologist!
City *of Canterlot. You've got it capitalized.
*the first step in Manehattan. Missing the "the".
waved at *a passing taxi.
protegee has two e's when it's female. I know, it's an easy mistake. French is goofy like that.
But other than that, I thought it was good. Nice, straightforward writing style.
Thanks a lot!
I could use more comments like this (PMs would be even better). I want to submit this fic to EqD and I want it to be error-free.
hmm... very interesting story. I honestly can't wait for the next installment. For the most part, grammer/spelling looks good.
To find errors on your own, try reading the whole story out loud, and catch anything that doesn't sound right.
I'm enjoying this. My previous comment may seem kind of odd, but I didn't realize there were more chapters.
I love editing. Maybe I should get into it professionally. Grammar nazis of the world, unite!
Anyways, a couple things in Chapter 2:
I don't know what "finished this town's university" means. I tend to say "graduated from" rather than "finished," but that might be a regional thing.
"Thanks in advance" should have a comma or a period. Usually a comma.
"Maybe the city *didn't have to be." again, kind of a personal choice.
"never done before: city sightseeing." colon, not comma.
Another picky one: either "tirelessly shouting superlatives" or "shouting tireless superlatives". What are you modifying?
"take our picture for us" instead of "take us a picture." Is English your second language? I don't mean that to be cruel if it isn't, but that's an unusual mistake for an English speaker to make.
lied -> lay.
kind of picky: instead of "by soothing chirp", say "with soothing chirp".
in *a very long time.
in the fashion community, and... (needs a comma.)
Oh, and all the correction is in love, of course. Your writing is very, very good, so these flaws really stand out. It's the uncanny valley of mistakes, as it were.
I just checked your page. You're Polish, huh? Your English is very good. I hardly would have guessed. (I don't know that much about your language, so I don't know what mistakes you're prone to making. Przepraszamy!) Keep pumping out good stuff, dude! :)
Firedon is smarter than me. I don't know what those number and letter sequences meant, but I'm guessing that will be explained for us poor dummies. Bravo, excellent work! I look forward to more, much more. This is exciting!
Yeah, I've always loved English and I'm trying to perfect it every day.
What mistakes? As usual: idioms, phrasal verbs, punctuation.
PS: Actually, it would be "przepraszam", cause "przepraszamy" is first person plural (like "we're sorry").
Thanks for all the help, man!
Darn, Google Translate lied to me.
I've got a review for Chapter 3 coming, then I'll get to Chapter 4.
Glad to help! If you want, you could send me your rough draft of each chapter, and I could check it before it hits the world. I wouldn't mind. :)
Okay, that would be great. I always send a new chapter to my two friends, but they're both Polish as well, so they mostly point out the obvious mistakes I make while typing. Having a solid pre-reader sounds fantastic.
You can either send it to me here on fimfiction or send me a link at email@example.com.
Clones?! Clones! Wow! Was not expecting that!
Thank you dude, your story is always twisting and turning.
Pretty good, pretty good. Can't wait for the next part! :)
I'm going to take a wild guess and say that it should be read something like this:
Batch/Clone Model Unknown Status
U453/11 nu A13 T83 subject deceased
U453/12 nu A13 T14 subject deceased
P454/01 nu K05 T10 subject deceased
Cont. MMSU4 E. 25.07.794 SE - Not sure on this, though the last bit looks like a date... maybe the experiment continued somewhere else on the 25th of the 7th of year 794 SE (second era?)
It's interesting how of the three we know, we have U453 for two of them and both of those are nu A13, I'm guessing they're Unicorn batch 453 and the model is nu A13 while P454 is a Pegasus batch using model nu K05. Not sure on the T##, maybe something to do with time?
>>563084563084 Thanks for (maybe) clearing some of this, I guess it makes more sense than what I thought of as first
My brain tends to jump on patterns pretty quickly, so that stood out to me.
I'm impressed, you managed to correctly deduce and guess quite a lot.
Won't be a spoiler that by SE I mean Solar Era, it's a measure of time since Celestia had banished Nightmare Moon.
Dang, I was pretty close then....
clones! really i would guess dye
EqD just listed this. Expect to be flooded with new readers soon.
...or flooded with Trolls. Whichever.
but i will still read the rest of it to give a more accurate judgement (not to sound like a critic)
>>Also, the study of snakes falls under herpetology. I get where you're going at with ophiology, but technically herpetology's what you want. I think. What do I know, I'm not a herpetologist!
Actually ophiology is the correct term as it is the sub-field of herpetology that specializes in the study of snakes rather than reptiles and amphibians in general.
So, I gonna take it for granted that we're pretty sure that it's the royal guards solidarity isn't a glamor spell anymore? Or they were all dipped in paint?
Caught up to the story here. Intriguing! Can't wait to see where this goes.
Solid story, interesting premise. Your main problem is that you need a proofreader, but it looks like AP's helping you out with that. Liked, faved, looking forward to more.
As a person who loves biology, naturally I was interested. As a person who loves stories of deception and sci-fi *coughX-Filescough* my interest in this story could only grow.
As it stands I eagerly look forward to any future updates. This is definitely one of my favorites.
This is the first fanfic I'm truly amazed by. It's exactly the kind of story that I find really interesting. Please continue updating it. This story is amazing.
You need a proofreader though. There are a few uncaught errors.
Can I? /)^3^(\
As a Biochemist by training, I'm really enjoying the mix of science and espionage in this story.
Forty-Six and 2 - Tool
Simple. Royal Guard is enchanted so they all look the same.
OR IS IT?!
Hey there! Just wanted to ask a quick question:
I remember that you posted your story in ChowderHead's reviewthread over at ponychan. After three months of waiting I now found out that he just quit without saying a word. So, did you send your story to another reviewer or did you sent it directly to EQD? Also congrats for making it at EQD!
"not even really a theory if I may say, since it has quite a lot of substantial data to back it up"
A theory isn't just a guess, and requires a lot of substantial data to be a theory in the first place.
Other than that and a need for some polishing it looks like a potentially good fic.
JAPPERS!!! You're featured! :D
Nah, I just made a few upgrades myself and then Mr. AlicornPriest offered me his prereading service.
You too? I'm currently in the middle of writing a thesis about biofilm modeling...
Also, thanks everypony for all the likes and favs.
And thanks to Equestria Daily for featuring the story.
I have no internet connection ATM unfortunately and I can't predict when the next chapter will be up. I hope somewhere around first half of the next week.
Twilight mentions an older brother in chapter 3, but the existence of Shining Armor is otherwise unacknowledged despite being highly relevant. Or was it supposed a younger brother, as in Spike?
This is fascinating, and I cannot wait for the next chapter.
I graduated with my BSc four years ago and haven't done much with it, but it warm my heart to see someone care enough about a story to get the science right.
I was playing Crackdown earlier and now All I can think of is Genetically Modified Pony agents of justice
Now that star wars reference makes even more sense...
Oh boy, this gonna be so interesting! Can´t wait to see the truth!
“What about the Royal Guard?”
They dye their manes, duh.
Heh. Blue and white. 501st. hehe. clone troopers.
You have my attention, please continue! I had never stopped to think about why all the guards were the same - the furthest I ever got was either selection based on colour or dye.
Will be watching this with interest,
“Our trusted princess performs genetic experiments on her subjects."
Hey Twilight, look. Everyone needs a hobby, don't knock Celestia's millennia long eugenics program until you've tried being thousands of years old.
Of course! The set up is so obvious - genetic engineering to create Alicorns!
(Or it's just a funny typo.)
I think that rule isn't fully required. It can help, or it can hinder, depending on what you're used to. In this case I think it's fairly clear she's continuing since it's stated she is.
>>591089591089 Yep, it's a funny typo. At least it was appropriate.
Interesting, I take it we are getting to the end?
Nice to see that you didn't go with Tyrant Celestia.
NEW ENTRY: LUNA, ALIAS, THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT!
Now things are getting interesting.
Dude, this is good, can't wait to read the next chapter.
And Luna sending the book?
I thought it would turn out to be Celestia trying to tell
some one her terrible secret! Good twist!
Good chapter as always, also glad that it didn't turn to be yet another Tyrant Celestia story. Also, dat plot at the end.
Huh. I'm betting the guards were just a sideline. She was trying to create an heir. And succeeded.
Again I am happy with the revelations of the chapter and the twist was a good one as well
This emote is being over-used!
on a another note:
Yeay! Go Luna!
Clone soldiers I can deal with, but censoring books?!
They really ARE clones?
I thought Twilight and Jade were just overreacting and the guards just used hair-dye and color contacts!
Also: I'm pretty sure the guards are white, not grey.
The pegasus guards are white.
The unicorn guards are grey.
In the season 2 finale I noticed a few white unicorn guards as well. I think they added them to make everything brighter, so much grey on the screen would not fit the general image.
Didn't expect that
... I kept hoping for Chrysalis... :/
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!
To the Mooooooon!
Your good at what you do. The next fic you wright shoud be a hardboiled detective fic.
Holy Clone Wars REFERENCE!
Now THIS... oh yessss...
YOU sir, are absolutely
Wow... just... wow.
How do you even begin to come up with this kind of obfusicatingly awesome plot twist?!
Man, so far so good. Still gonna keep reading!
EDIT: Tried to find a pony picture like that, failed. too lazy to make my own, so i used that.
The awesome continues.
Congratulations on EqD, by the way.
Er, is tenaciousness a word? The Free Dictionary says so, but I've only seen "tenacity" before. There were a couple of weird spots in the story, like Twi's sudden strong language, but so far, I love the story.
did not see that coming, great story, eagerly awaiting the next chapter
As a matter of fact, you will have it soon. Probably within next 2 hours. :)
But still a good chapter
Is there a sequel planned?
Maybe in the future I'll write some short sequel. For now, I have other ideas.
Nice ending, and I'm looking forward to your next story.
I'm so sorry, but I was instantly reminded of this.
All expectations out the window, that was brilliant. The world you have built has just the right amount of detail that if you do want to do a sequel it will be just as original as this story. I could easily see a sequel being a novel-length adventure story. Again I have to thank you for creating this fine work of art.
Dr. Jade refers to a royal page as a "gentleman" and at another point Celestia spreads her arms. Looks like some humanisms made it past the prereader.
To make Glass Coat and Duskwind the pseudo-names of Celestia and Luna was a plot twist that is as wonderful as it is unexpected. Good job.
On to the epilogue!
Very good story really enjoyed it, was quite unique compared to many stories on the site.
Ya know, the main question I believe someone should have asked is "why did you spend so much money and time creating clones rather than developing training, armour, weapons and magic for the army?" It's one of those things where I look at something and start weighing costs in my head.
Presuming the clones have to grow at normal pace, that makes them pretty much the same as normal ponies, except that they're created from someone particular's genetic material, which has to be stored, replicated and kept on record and they have to ensure that it doesn't degrade too badly. Of course then there's the whole shebang of the nutrient mixes, aminotic fluids, tanks, etc that would cost, and someone to raise and train the cloned soldiers - a clone is, if anything, more expensive than a standard soldier, and the equipment wouldn't get any cheaper for the asking, nor any better without someone looking at it.
If this has been going on for around 1200 years, you're looking at probably that long to develop things. In that time period humanity went from scattered towns and cities with wells and limited medicine along with iron chain or leather as the primary armour to guns, tanks, missiles and computers. Heck, even going from 200BC to 1,000AD we saw a lot of changes and the rise and fall of a few kingdoms. Roman Legions against the armies of William the Conqueror... I'd imagine things would be a bit of a mishmash melee there, but even so, things changed a lot over the period and the money Cele and Luna put into these 'perfect' clones could have pushed a lot of other things that would probably be more help when trouble finally comes.
Please tell me you're gonna do a sequel one day??\
I'm not sure whether you're addressing these words to me as the creator or you mean that Twi or Jade should have asked Celestia these questions. If you're asking me - sure it doesn't make perfect sense in every detail, but It's not like my priority was to make it perfect in every detail. The basic idea was to present guards as clones and to make an adventure story out of it. We don't know how much those things cost. The Equestria shown in the series isn't so... full of ponies, by the way. And males are definitely a minority. But that's eristic.
MLP universe is a fantasy world, and a pretty common thing between fantasy worlds is that they develop in much slower pace than our world (maybe it's because magic is a substitute for technology?). Look at A Song of Ice and Fire, for thousands of years not much has changed there.
As a matter of fact, I had a problem with that. I was angry at Celestia for being so dramatic - a thousand years on the moon! That made it over a thousand years of gap between the origins of my fanwork world and "today".
I preferred this world not to focus on technology. Sure I could make celestia build tanks and orbital cannons but it would spoil the story in the state I wanted to present it. Sometimes it's good to sacrifice some "sense-making" if it means more fun. I learned this from my RPG sessions. Fun is... more fun