- Member Since 19th May, 2013
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Undisputed
It's longer than you think...
Undisputed
Joined 19th May, 2013 ·
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Wait a minute. Is this another story were humans going to Equestria can't speak for some unexplained reason? And are forced to stay there, completely leaving their friends, family, and everything they had going for them back on Earth behind? Somehow falling in love with a pony? Probably a main cast member?
I don't know how else to tell you this, but that's been very over done. The market has essentially become oversaturated. You really need to change things up and provide us with something creative and new in order for this to work.
5563996 Don't worry, I agree with you that this is a completely dry and brittle story method, but it's what I'm using as a mold to get into the swing of things on this website. I will make things 'different' for your guys' sake, and keep things interesting. No way I'm going to make this story redundant to the others, that'll just look bad on my part.
As I said, this is just a mold, and I would like to cement it into a base for something good for y'all. With your guys' opinions and such, I can make that happen. Thanks for briging this up, Grey.
5565517
I sure hope so. I really hope this is something creative and new to look forward to.
Hmm...interesting so far. A bit confusing with the different writing styles, but it is two people writin it. Let's see how this goes.
What does "jammed on precision" mean?
6532922 James had West-shortened a sentence that means: Mike, who's on the percision shooting team, accedentally jammed his rifle during the match.
Why does it keep switching between 1st and 3rd person?
And does absennce of the co-author mean no more Twilight and Phoenix POWs?
And I just noticed "Tragedy" tag. Did you just add it, or was it there from the start?
6533210 That tag has indeed been there from the start of the story.
This shift in perspective was for the reader to get aquianted with the scenario of the story. The last perspective that will arrive, and stay for the most part, is narrator 2nd person. Of course, in a few scenes that call for it, the perspective will be shifted back to 1st person. There won't be too much, if none at all, 3rd person perspectives from here-on.The co-auther is still there, but we have decided to brainstorm, have myself type it out, he proof-reads.
A bit confusing, and I apologize, but the clarity of the story will build as it progresses.
6535103 What I was talking about was mixing 1st and 3rd person in the same paragraph. It's confusing and makes readers stumble and turn away. 2nd person isn't much better.
A pity. The central idea is original and almost worth trudging through the text.
6536383 Ah, I understand what you mean. My fault for squeezing my typing late at night... I lose track of my ideas and perspective.
I might just stick to first person, maybe the rare third person moment. I need to focus on one thing at a time.
Thanks for pointing that out; I'll try to avoid it as best as I can in the future.
Sorry for disapointing you with my novice skill at writing, but this story is merely a learning experiance. Maybe sometime later, after I've done some pratice, I'll come back to this story and give it a good fix. Maybe some people'll still be interested in it (Of course I'm still continuing it, for right now at least).
6536553 Yes. Never surrender.
The Description says a lot and yes manages to not describe the story in any way shape or form.
Is this human in Equestria or pony on Earth, Is the sex between 2 humans, 2 ponies or pony and human.
So many important questions so few answers.
6546447
Then again, that's the point of a story. To find out major events through the text, and merely not reading them all in the synopsis/description. Like I said before to an earlier commentor, this story can go literally anywhere... but I do have a set path for it.
6546537 But the point of a description is to give people key information and to make people want to read your story, Its there to draw people in, To make your story stand out amongst the hundreds of similar stories posted here every day on here.
Your description does not do that.
6546597 That may be a matter of opinion more than fact. Some people are content with information as I have provided, as it gives a vast canvas for the reader to imagine in.
But I agree, and will edit my description a bit for individuals like yourself, that are more nitpicky.
6546796 Im not nitpicky no need to be a douche.
I just don't want to read a story where the description is so empty and generic that it is practically a clone of about 10000 other stories on this site. All you gave us was Human goes to Equestria and there is sex, Which has been done to death. If you actually want people to read it don't leave it up to their imagination that is just lazy.
6550598 I personally wasn't intending to be a "douche." A matter of fact, I wasn't trying to be anything less than supportive of your idea that my description should be changed.
If you want to take offense to something that wasn't even supposed to do so, okay. I can't change the way you feel.
Something I forgot to ask. What are the Equestrian "humans". Are their bodies naked? What colour is their skin? Do they look more like modern Homo Sapiens Sapiens, Neanderthals, Australopithecus, shaved chimpanzee, shaved gorilla, or something else?
If they are naked and spend all their time under sun, their skin must be rather dark. Thus James has to be either dark-skinned (e.g. African) or deeply and uniformly suntanned, otherwise his discoloration will stand out. Since James was wearing clothes and didn't seem to spend mich time sunbathing nude, the tanned variant is unlikely. Am I right or did I miss something?
6617436 James has a naturally brown-ish skin, that of a Hispanic. That comes from his heritage which is more revealed later on.
The humans in Equestria are similar to the Neanderthal in appearance, but their skin tones vary as well. Depending on genes, some humans would be naturally light or dark skinned. Some may tan and keep the tan for longer than others, while some may not tan at all and get sun burnt for some time. More specific details, from the perspective of James, will be told in the story in the next chapter.
It's been taking me forever to write up this next chapter, mostly because of school and my schedule. But with Turkey Break coming up, I'm gonna be able to dish it out without a problem.
Sex.
6626528 I agree, fu^^ this description man.
7200099 Shh, Sasha...
is asleep.
7200101 U's a faggout. Why you dislike meeee.