As everypony awaits for the start of the Equestrian 500, none are more excited than Rainbow Dash. In her first Equestrian 500, she's looking to prove she can fly with the best. After her encounter with Flame Blitz and his sister. She's more determined to prove herself then ever.
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Big Thank you to Palm Palette for the Rage Review that helped me bring it back to the drawing board to fix all the errors and Koekelbag for the wonderful Proofread of the story.
Chapters (1)
This story got some flak I think.
Guys - giving red and walking away, with no explanation is bad style.
Really - every writer on this site wants to become better. So give them at least critique and tips. It's a matter of respect.
So this is my short critique on your story, dear author:
On the technical side: It's mixed. There are not much typos (I noticed). Don't mean there are none, but I found nothing distracting besides this one:
This should read 'look at each other'.
But your wording is strange some times - like in the first few paragraphs you use the word 'water' five or six times. It's no error per say - but variance is more convenient to read.
On the other hand: most of the times you could get rid of paraphrases for 'said' and just use that. Or better use some description instead of a said-tag (I'lll come to this later).
To the story itself:
Ok, given the AU and the Tragic-tag I was prepared for some heavy stuff. So even if I don't think a Sonic Rainboom could cut off wings I could accept this as matter of fact for the Alternate Universe.
So my main critique is the lack of description you give. The dialogue gives me a hint of emotions, though, but the whole scene looses itself in a vast empty room. You describe one table and a few flasks of water.
I don't get to know, where the story plays (yeah - ok at the Equestria 500), how it looks there, who is running around, what I could see, smell, hear, taste or something.
I think adding descriptions of the scene, showing me where it plays, would add so much to the reading experience.
It is easy to fill in: Just write some descriptive paragraphs or add informations to the dialogues; Like:
"...", Rainbow Dash walked over to the small, drink-booth, formed like a mushroom in red and white with a dotted roof. With a cool gesture she dropped two coins on the worn dark wooden counter and took her two flasks of water.
You did sentences like this - but more to transport emotions. But the story lacks description of the location it plays. This is a thing you should work on.
The second thing: You drop characters out of nowhere. Soarin and Spitfire. I mean, I assume they attending the race. But - imagine your reader as someone, who has just started with MLP. Or has heard from the ponies for the first time. If you don't describe characters who are considered well known, a newbie couldn't get a grip to them.
Besides this, the story idea was interesting. And with a bit of adding scene and description, it could get really good.
6029819 thank you for your critique. I appreciate the feedback and will do more to add to the world around the Race. I'll also make sure to add description to the known characters for the new comers to the show and website. I hadn't considered describing the well-known characters because I felt readers would know the characters and that's truly my own fault. I should have at least described them. I am also experimenting with other words to use besides Said. I have a doc with other words to replace said with. Thank you again for your time to over look the story and give me critique on it.
This story has been reviewed by the PRaCG. You can find the review here.