After the utter travesty wrought upon fashion from Applejack's last efforts, Rarity has taken it upon herself to ensure such a thing never happens again. The problem is, Applejack didn't know anything about dressmaking to begin with, and she isn't too interested in learning now.
In the popular box for 36hr. February seventh through ninth.
Dramatic Reading By DR. Wolf https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EN_qCXlJYNA
(edited by MahoganyMLP, and KillarRobotQuote,
Cover art by Mahogany MLP)
Thank's Scootareader for the long description.
Chapters (1)
Idea !
Spikey come her dear,
She looked at his lips mouth & teeth.
5599318 ... Interesting story idea... LOL Poor Spike. He's thinking... either "what?" or... "Pretty Rarity" there.
5599959 LOL I think I'm enjoying tormenting her.
Just wait till I get to Squeaky picnic... she's the only one I can't figure out who to ship with. LOL It's an undlerlying plot element, but she's going to feel mighty left out.
5599972 ... I think it's cute and all... but I also REALLY like Applelain, and FlimJack... It's going to be a longer story. I might just have her use my excuse for why I'm not interested... To busy and have a family and farm to take care of... and her go all Grinch over the whole Valentines day thing.
5599990 The slacker with the work o'holic is pretty cute. Sir Calm Wind did a GREAT job in handling it. and is actually my favorite. But only if you feel inspired. You don't write what's popular, you write what you feel needs to be written. Otherwise your work becomes dry.
5600028 I've never felt comfortable with it either. The whole... movement makes me feel... just sick. I really don't want to go into it. Most of it is simply religious.
5600083 Any of them with any of them... Yeah, the are JUST FRIENDS.
I have seen how it can RUNE a friendship... If MLP adventures into it... I promise you a slew of people will leave and not look back.
Interesting discussion here. I usually keep an eye on the Applejack tag and read most of the comedies and slice of life that comes up... along with TwiJack and AppleDash, of course. But I get the feeling I'm not welcome here, so I'll show myself out...
5600306 I agree.
What kind of metal would we deserve?
Nice story, by the way. Not my usual fare, but it's a fun slice of life.
5606696 LOL Actually it was no where close to what I had originally envision.
images.clipartpanda.com/medal-clipart-ncEnAeRcA.gif
I'm glad you enjoyed it though.
Okay, it's either get to this review or fall asleep staring at my screen. I'd prefer something productive now and I'll sleep when I'm supposed to. Stupid insomnia.
Upon your request, I am reviewing your story. I hope you're ready for pwnage, because that is what I offer.
Let us begin the review with the ritual palette cleansing.
lh6.googleusercontent.com/-jDvgbmoSNDw/VN-INK05GpI/AAAAAAAAD7c/eeFpMc2CoQc/w638-h409-no/Rainbow%2BDash.PNG
Rainbow Dash, friggin' stop. You're getting in the way of my mouse.
lh4.googleusercontent.com/-6aQPRorviNM/VN-Ij2G5BFI/AAAAAAAAD7w/5PGaQ10EhOE/w320-h149-no/Rainbow%2BDash%2BAgain.PNG
I said stahp Rainbow. I need to copy that title.
Oh boy. I hope we get a song about dressmaking.
fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/243075_r.png?1421810488
Vectors are cool and all, but they make the cover art look too generic.
th09.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2013/029/f/e/princess_twilight_by_kibbiethegreat-d5t65yv.png
Found one.
images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/35300000/Rarity-Vectors-rarity-the-unicorn-35326032-5000-3637.png
Two down.
I looked for the AJ one for a while but couldn't come up with the vector.
I did find a better picture of Applejack, though.
th00.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2013/141/a/9/applejack_plays_an_alchemist__pathfinder__by_jittery_the_dragon-d64vsbv.png
What's more, you see Rarity's mane clipped off.
They were working with intact pictures and laying them on top of a wallpaper. Maybe it's a bit of a gripe, but I have next to no artistic talent and I can still overlay vectors on a wallpaper. Here, I'll even make an example picture using an online image editor.
lh4.googleusercontent.com/-qJzA7Wb8rdg/VN-SIQ3rEZI/AAAAAAAAD8M/FHOiSRKcFKw/w1213-h822-no/Random%2BArt.jpg
I must confess, I prefer dark over happy. My idea when making this was something to the effect of, alicorns don't age like normal ponies do--Celestia and Luna are immortals, creatures born in a time before there was time, but the great magical power within a non-immortal alicorn's body (i.e. Twilight and Cadance) causes them to be stolen away long before their time.
In this, Twilight has died from the effects of alicorn magic, but Applejack has taken it upon herself to discover the secret to an alicorn's immortality and pour it upon the remains of her friend in the hopes it will bring Twilight back from the dead. Rarity, despite how much she misses Twilight, is the only one vocal enough about what Applejack is doing to tell her she shouldn't, and it drives a wedge between them. Rarity can see Applejack slowly spiraling into a reclusive madness as she pursues a cure for non-immortal alicorn aging, whereas Applejack feels it's the only way that things can be put right again.
Even that ridiculously depressing story has better cover art than yours.
blueollie.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/triggered.jpg?w=320&h=371
Excuse me! Miss!
cringely.com/wp-content/uploads/raised-hand.jpg
I got a question!
Why Applejack?
No comma or period here. Also not the right place to start a new sentence.
"After Twilight becomes an Alicorn, Applejack finds herself in Rarity's shop once again getting sewing lessons... and making none other than Twilight's coronation dress itself."
Ah, good! I was actually hoping this would be the dress getting made.
I just feel like you could use your long description to better effect than to give us a pointless sentence like this. How about something like...
"After the utter travesty wrought upon fashion from Applejack's last efforts, Rarity has taken it upon herself to ensure such a thing never happens again. The problem is, Applejack didn't know anything about dressmaking to begin with, and she isn't too interested in learning now."
This would do better as a separate paragraph. It's one of those suspense sentences and it pulls the reader in more if you do the pause before reading the line. Also put a question mark at the end, though I will note that you would have used a four-dot ellipse properly had this not been an inquiry, and I commend you on that.
I'm okay with this and the below stuff, but maybe put a horizontal rule separating the story elements from the non-story notes here? You make one by putting the letters hr in brackets [ ]. Looks like this:
This was seriously the last line of your long description. Seems a bit repetitive.
These are in direct conflict here. Either Applejack thinks with perfect English, or she thinks with her accent. There's no halvesies on the accent train.
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130217103444/mlp/images/4/44/Applejack_and_sewing_machine_S03E13.png
She turned into the antithesis of Applejack and she still wore that hat.
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130214001330/mlp/images/c/c4/Applejack_refusing_S1E14.png
No way, no how she's taking her hat off. That's OOC.
Every once in a while, I italicize a random word when I'm writing something, then, when I'm re-reading it to ensure I don't sound stupid, I look at the italicization and ask myself, "Why?"
Why capitalize the word "half" here? It doesn't add anything. It doesn't make the sentence make more sense. It doesn't increase my enjoyment of the story. There's no reason for drawing attention to the word like that.
There's nothing explicitly wrong here, but I'm really sensitive to sentence flow, and this rubs me the wrong way.
I didn't realize I was reading a clopfic.
i.imgur.com/CyHBVzo.png
By the way, M.A. Larson is the guy who wrote Magical Mystery Cure, the episode where Twilight became an alicorn. He's a funny guy.
Okay, let me refer you back to an earlier remark.
This. I hadn't even opened your story yet (apart from grabbing your short description), and I was able to detail your long description that easily.
Not everyone can have the Scootasense, but man, when you're this good, it's tough not to brag.
ly. Fabulously.
Ah, and the "darling" spam begins. Did you realize her second word in each sentence she's uttered so far is the word "darling?" Most people who write Rarity seem to think that's the only word she uses.
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw7562_large.jpg
th03.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2013/290/a/a/kitty_rage_quit_table_flip_by_shadethenighthunter-d6qs9le.jpg
How do.
fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/040/0/9/rarity_scratching_by_jeatz_axl-d75rpsd.png
Maybe?
Capitalizing that word makes it sound like a teenage exaggeration, like using the word literally to mean something that isn't literal. Just de-capitalize it. Applejack wouldn't do that.
empowermagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/african_americanmale-serious.jpg
1.bp.blogspot.com/-6C2KUkYyyOw/Tf-Ei__kYMI/AAAAAAAAAIY/QMki8XsDPwY/s1600/dwight.gif
Don't worry, Applejack. I am too.
c2.staticflickr.com/4/3213/2312981944_2fa2247ff7.jpg
Use a horizontal rule.
These mean the same thing. Use just one.
Sounds like the clop is finally starting to develop.
I'm just going to quote this entire paragraph.
It's awesome. Good characterization.
Moving on.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/027/9/6/applejack_raises_her_eyebrow_by_themajesticpony-d73xfpy.png
I can.
See? Even Rarity is getting sick of herself saying that word constantly.
Get that extra dot outta here.
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/249/c/a/a_confused_rarity_by_emedina13-d5ds907.png
Didn't think this was typical Rarity behavior, or worth even noting in a story. Does this sentence have relevance?
Missed a quote at the end of the paragraph here.
This is so poorly accentuated I don't even want to bother.
Actually, no. If you compare pre-wings Twilight with post-wings Twilight, they're the same height. She just looks different because of the wings (and her mane during the coronation).
That's what I'm saying! She didn't grow at all! Tell her, Applejack.
Missing a comma after right.
De-capitalize the S.
Missing a comma after said.
Missing a possessive apostrophe around "friends." I'd suggest re-phrasing to "the antics of her friends."
You put a period after antics, but didn't capitlize the I in "it."
You put a space after "And" and it's not an em dash, which would be a better interrupter than a single dash.
Yes, you're missing a lot, I'm just not pointing out all of it because I don't want this to be longer than your story.
I'm, like, a prophet. I predicted your story so hard.
This portion of this sentence sucks.
This is put in quotes, but is phrased as a thought. Also, bad capitalization again.
Extra space here.
Wow, Doctor CowgirlVK, M.D. I wasn't aware you were able to diagnose ponies with mental conditions.
You know, I was going to quote Archimedes and say, "Eureka! I've found it!" but, while looking for funny pictures related to the quote, I came across a better quote from Isaac Asimov.
izquotes.com/quotes-pictures/quote-the-most-exciting-phrase-to-hear-in-science-the-one-that-heralds-new-discoveries-is-not-eureka-isaac-asimov-323580.jpg
Hmm... that's funny.
The word "alright" isn't a word. It's slang, and perfectly acceptable for Applejack to say with her accent. Twilight, however, is not Applejack and does not have Applejack's accent; she would not use slang, therefore she must use the words "all right."
Think about it. "All right" and "alright" mean the same thing; why would you have the two separate words? Everyone confuses it because of "all ready" and "already," which have two distinct meanings.
townsendpress.com/uploaded_files/images/products/b_0552bfe984d44078eb81054b118633ed.jpg
Finally, I don't have to keep reading that word.
A metal?
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/68/Iron-135048.jpg
Iron?
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/6a/Platinum-nugget.jpg/1024px-Platinum-nugget.jpg
Platinum?
theodoregray.com/periodictabledisplay/Samples/050.3/s13.JPG
Tin?
Or do you mean medal?
Honestly, this story was pretty great. I liked the headcanon on how Twilight's dress is made. Interesting that they left this open-ended as such, and I like what you did with it.
Your story suffered from about the average number of grammatical errors, but I notice ALL OF THEM, so you shouldn't be too ashamed of yourself.
There was something else that you could have prevented, though.
The obsessive use of the word "darling."
Holy Celestia send me to the moon that was a lot of darlings. In fact, I did a breakdown of the usage of the word "darling" in your story. Let's do some quick fractions.
In this story, you use the word "darling" 25 times in the 2359 words you put. If you run that division in a calculator, you get 0.0105977108944468, which I round to 0.0106. Turn that into a fraction and you have 106/10000 words being the word "darling." Those are both divisible by 2, reducing them to 53/5000, so if you made a 5000-word story, the word "darling" would happen 53 times. You can approximate 53 to be about 50, then reduce the 50/5000 to 1/100.
Slightly over 1 out of every 100 words you wrote are the word "darling." We might have to call an intervention for you. This is out of control. I get that you only use it because you like it and you can stop at any time, but... we're just so worried about you.
Overall, you did a pretty great job on this. I'm actually digging the fact that you don't like F/F ships, meaning we won't end up seeing the same stuff from you as what everyone else writes. This was different and good and I quite enjoyed it. It could definitely do with some refining, though.
5625526 Question, What is a clop fic? What does that mean? And I'm going through adding in the edits I deem correct. And so I can write Rarity better... what are the other words she uses? I use her a lot. She's a lot of fun.
5625779
A clopfic is a story marked with "Mature" and "Sex," meaning the ponies will end up doing the hanky panky at some point in it. It's a joke I make whenever anything sounds remotely suggestive.
Sounds like somepony needs to re-watch the series.
5625813 ... Yeah I do. Just haven't had the time recently I've only watched it twice. And that was back in august... I watched the entire series through... twice.
5625813 Nope, I don't do clop. I'll let you know when I finish the edits. Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate it. My goal is to be a published author with my own books by next Christmas, I'm using this stuff for practice.
5625830
I know you don't write clop. It's a joke for a reason.
5625834
Alright.
5625526 Phew! Done. LOL Thanks, I really learned a lot there. There are a few places I completely rewrote... So if you'd give it another read down.
I am seeing progress in my writing skills. But it's only by honest, deep reviews I can get better. Thanks so much.
The Darling problem has been... tamed somewhat.
And... my sister is ADHD, and mental problems and therapy is my field of study... should I have changed that?
Is that all... I think so. I've got a chapter to finish now. If you want to read "Most Daring Pony, I'd appreciate it. But it's a longer story, so it's not a must.
5625981
Nah, was a joke. Pinkie Pie hasn't been stated as having ADHD, that's just a fandom headcanon thing.
I don't tend to re-read stories. Ever.
5626048 That's fine. Thank's for the help.
Cute!
5763392 Thanks.
Are your initials VK and your favorite pony Applejack? Because MY initials are VK and my favorite pony is Applejack!
Anyway, I thought there was gonna be a joke about how the coronation dress was just the slightest bit garish because AJ made it, but I really enjoyed reading it the way it is.
5866189 Yes, VK are my first and middle initials. And yes, Applejack is my favorite Pony.
Being a seamstress myself, I wanted to show my line of work... I also teach, and these are things that show up a lot... I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I aim to please.
That, wasn't funny. At all.
5869633 Remember at the end of that episode... Pinkie thought it was funny.
5869633 And I agree... that wasn't funny, just really creepy.
5869644
Getting brainwashed, especially in the way Pinkie did, is extremely unnerving, and made worse by Fluttershy when we realize, Discord could easily have done that to all of them at any time, but he didn't because that was all a sick game to him. Yeesh that guy can be creepy. And when he's in the mood, absolutely hilarious. And his voice is awesome.
5869651 He's modled after Q from Star Trek... That guy is the same way. I for one... well... Discord is a great story tool.
5869656
I dunno, I see your angle, but, Q is while stronger than Discord, not as insane, less chaotic, granted not by much, and a lot less creepy since he presumably has this big master plan for humans as he sees potential in them. And he finds it hilarious to screw with Picard. I guess even immortal omnipotent nigh godlike aliens need to get their kicks somehow. Discord, when actively malicious, can be VERY creepy. Case in point, the Pony POV series. Arguably the most frightening and vile of them all, but still enjoyable, sometimes he makes you laugh, but most of the time you love to hate him, that feeling you get with particularly monstrous villains.
5870027 Yeah I know. He isn't my favorite character... Q wasn't either... You are right. Discord is... one of those characters.... I side with Dash on the Discord issue. If he were to ask for my help, I'd be on the opposite side of Equestria in ten seconds flat.
5870031
That'd be the reaction of most people, if not outright freaking out due to him probably screwing with you. A lot.
5870036 Totally.
5870054
Mind you I love Discord, reformed or not, he's a ton of fun, but, as Three's a Crowd showed, staying around him will get you trolled in song. I've never seen anyone troll anyone in song apart from the You've Been Trolled song, so, yeah, hats off to you Discord, you are Magnificent.
5872094 That was an amazing song!
There is the song, "Giant Tickle Feather" Which is one of my favorites written by Chuck Brown.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTF_ogCeUaQ
But to the extent Discord did... Nope. That was funny.
5873127
Yep. One does not simply out troll the Lord of Trolling himself. Discord is a massive troll and he enjoys every second of it.
5873150 LOL I have something planned for Most Daring Pony with Discord... and rolling him back. LOL
But that episode was just perfect. Super awesome.
5874104
Most Daring Pony?
5874133 Another of my works.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/216056/most-daring-pony
Discord is making quite the appearance.
5874135
Well then, imma read it.
5874139 Let me know what you think. he doesn't show up till chapter Five... but then he and Pinkie really start having fun.
5874144
K.
This was a very good Applejack/Rarity story. I have to agree that AJ is always the grounded one and always looking out for Twilight. Rarity is very giving and caring but sometimes lets her own feelings out weigh the situation. They are always a good match together! I'm sure Rarity saw AJ potential and also knew that she could do it with the right guidance. All in all a very good and well done story. I'll be reading more of your words!
I also knew all of what Rarity was talking about. I grew up around folks that were always sewing . I can fix a seam or get a button back on. Might not look great but it will hold.
Be safe and be well.
OB
6634499 I'm glad you enjoyed it. This is one of my most favorite stories I have written. I do hope you enjoy the others as well.