The beginning of the big adventure for C.Rave and her friends. See how they became the next elements of harmony, what they did, who they defeated, what they sacrificed and what happened next?
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 11th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Oct 11th, 2015
Misscord
I am a writer and an artist living in Australia, I've been a brony for a few years now. If you want to know anything about me or just simply chat give me a message.
Misscord
Joined 11th Jan, 2015 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Goldengriffiness · 13k words · 210 12 · 6.5k views
- Toa from Siberia · 5.2k words · 247 9 · 3.8k views
- Norman_Steel · 8.2k words · 21 0 · 1.6k views
- Crystal Night · 29k words · 105 7 · 4.4k views
- Ogopogo · 103k words · 333 23 · 4.2k views
- Selene Moonlilly · 14k words · 189 14 · 4.1k views
- SilentSky · 59k words · 70 10 · 2.8k views
- Justice3442 · 42k words · 387 11 · 9.4k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.469 seconds
Total duration
1,001 users online
68,187 hits today, 2,732,798 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
6120901 Thank you it means a lot to me, its been up for a while and nopony has noticed it so I put it up in some groups. I hope you stay tuned for more when I upload it if you do really like it. If not that's fine each to their own, we all have our own tastes. I'm glad you took the time to comment and like my work. Thank you muchly.~
Misscord, huh... Such a lonely soul. I'm surprised that they had a son, and that he's a movie director.
Not bad, keep it up!
Uh, why is Princess Twilight still here? I mean, if your OCs have taken over the Elements of Harmony, Magical Mystery Cure wouldn't have happened, Twilight wouldn't have ascended, so why are you calling her a Princess? Also, why are you referring to Princess Celestia as "Celestia" while Twilight (Who, mind you, even according to canon she still isn't a Princess yet.) is called "Princess Twilight".
6121202 It is set after Twilight becomes a princess so the main 6 did have had the elements before this is just set a few years in the future. Everything cannon to the show has happened in the past so I'm not going back into the show and changing things. I know that Twilight always refers to Celestia as 'Princess Celestia' but C.Rave's character is a little bit more informal than Twilight Sparkle. I also refer to Twilight as 'Princess' to show that she has already turned into an alicorn and that this is set after said event. And if you are up to date with the show you would know Twilight is counted as a Princess and characters have refereed to it a few times, she even has the title of 'Princess of Friendship' so to say she isn't a princess is incorrect. The characters don't just 'have' the elements if you read on you see they gain the elements in an event so it doesn't start out with the characters already having the elements of harmony. But thank you for your imput.
6121015 Thank you ^_^
oh christ that cover
Hhmm, the beginning is interesting. Only it is not really my taste.
Personally, I find it is also kind of fast-paced.
This is the part that is really fast-paced to me. As well, how did Wingstripe get his cutie mark from this? If he acts like this through his whole life, I would say that he would have his cutie mark already when he was younger. Unless, he had a different kind of attitude when he was younger. Because here, he takes his sword out, fights three Manticores, ( That, Celestia knows why, 'Flee' from him. while there is three of them against one. ( I know it is a fiction story, but it would give the reader more feeling while reading this, if they read that characters actually can get in danger, and not fight off three Manticores with only one pony with a sword.)) defends one pony, and gets his cutie mark. He should have gotten his cutie mark sooner I think.
Also, why does this small encounter make them friends right away? I do not find it bad in any way. It just stands out to me.
That one just got me laughing.
( Now I crave for a coffee.
)
Now that is something I would like to get explained in his story, because, ( I know, Equestria and magic, but still. ) how can a pegasus fly in space? And how is that his special talent? How did he find it?
Why is he shocked? And why doesn't he deny it at first? I would. If one is sad and tries to hide it, they would probably deny that they are sad in the first place when confronted. ( Could give you the opportunity to expand more on Rave's ability to feel/sense/see aura's of other ponies as well.)
Laughter makes sense, only, it is not what the 'Element of Laughter' is about. You wrote that he is laughing and chatting with other ponies, and laughs himself most of the time, and he wants the night to never end so that he could always have so much fun. ( Which I find pretty good.) But Pinkie Pie is the element, because she makes 'other' ponies laugh and cheer them up, which is not really pointing out here. ( Everypony could laugh and chat with each other and become the element this way.)
( Note: This is not to discourage you in any way. This me really digging into the story, and I find that these parts could get more clarification, and can be extended. I know this is just the intro, but if the beginning is this short explained on the origin of the characters. It gives the readers a guess of what is to come, which is not much, because the characters have no certain characteristics, since we only read about them for about 4-5 minutes.)
One last thing, how is it that the "Main' characters 'met' the elements? Isn't it that the main characters find the elements/are the elements? Because in the beginning you state:
Which can be confusing, as it was to me.
You also state:
Background stories are, ( In my opinion.) better explained within the story as it progresses. Like, each of the main characters could later on in the story, when their 'moment to shine' comes around, re-tell this to somepony. OR, re-told by the background ponies, IF they encounter them again. OR, Re-live the moment, like when they are alone and think back to certain points in life that stood out to them. And background stories should, ( Again, in my opinion.) contain more depth about said ponies.
ONE last thing, which peaked my curiosity, WHERE is the 'Element of Magic'? 1=Loyalty, 2=Honesty, 3=Kindness, 4=Generosity, 6(?)=Laughter.
I will read more, and I will give you my thoughts about them.
6129084 Whoa that was a lot of feedback, I understand this kind of story isn't ur cup of tea and that's fine everyone likes different things. I will take in everything you said when it comes to my next edit. I don't state this but I will add it in that some of the intros like Wingstripe's are from a roleplay I did with him ages ago so I used it in the story how it went. The intros are rushed I will admit but I wanted to keep them short, to the point and simple just to give a quick over view of how they all met C.Rave. C.Rave and Misscord are my old two OCs, the other ones are all OCs of my old friends and this story in a way is a tribute to all of them and our RP past together. Although the book has a detailed story line the idea came from making a book with my old friend's OCs and it went from there.
6125831 Thanks I think?
With this chapter as well, it feels fast-paced.
Use spaces when conversations take place between multiple characters.
Use capitals for a name calling, or ', like: Wish Granter/ 'wish granter' it makes the creature in question, stand out as a character or else it could be 'over-read' and the reader can get confused later on.
At the end of the last paragraph:
After this, the story becomes a 'wall of text'. Which can be very unsettling for the reader.
This feels to me that Luna is OOC. Trotting seems not to be something that a Princess would do, especially Luna. It has only be a few years since Luna got back from the moon, reading her like this, gives a good feeling. Although, I think that she would still be not as much accustomed to being so openly in public.
Again, this not to discourage you in any way. I'm just pointing things that stand out to me.
6129234 Okay, I see why the introduction is short. My apologies, I did't know you had already a story which had the OC's in them.
I didn't know I was reading it from C.Rave's point of view. In Ch.1
This question remained unanswered, I think that is why it got me confused at that point.
And sorry if I used 'state' wrong, I'm not English in native, so I can have some wrong points when using certain words. I meant simply, what you had written down on top of the page.
Also clears the question why the Element of Magic is not in the beginning like the rest. Because ( probably.) C.Rave is the supposed to be said element. And we are reading from her perspective.
Added text: The beginning of the big adventure for C.Rave and her friends.
That, that is my own fault. I should have know I would read it from her perspective.
6129308 No trouble at all I appreciate your effort and hope that if you like it you keep reading, if not that's fine. I am thankful for your input and will work on it more in editing next.
This is amazing I think I'm in love with this
6139522 THANK YOU! <3