Good intentions always seem to go awry. In the search for the more destructive of our race, the few of us who live peacefully in Equestria's borders must bear the heaviest burden. Cast from the town I once loved, and my family destroyed, I seek my revenge on those who took them from me. By the power of my blood, sweat and tears, and with plenty of luck, I plan on watching Canterlot burn.
I am Amethyst and I am a changeling.
Thanks to N00813 for his help as a pre-reader.
Thanks to Unknownlight for his help as a pre-reader and editor from Chapter XXIV and on.
Chapters (24)
Angst. Angsty, angsty angst.
I like where you're taking this story so far, and I think your writing style is pretty good, too.
You have a few punctuation errors here and there, but there's nothing too major.
You might, however, want to use more description and adjectives in the story. It really gives the story some personality and structure.
Also, try to find a good cover image. Hopefully not an overused one, although that may be hard since this fic involves changelings.
654779
Thanks.
Reading it over again today, I do see what you mean by the description. I've actually been trying to find a cover image of a changeling, one with purple eyes that does not look too feminine, but I have been having trouble with it. Might have to make one myself.
Edit: Couldn't see one at the moment, so I quickly put one together until I can A) Make a better one or B) Find one
This is going to be good man.
so far im already HOOKED! love where this is going. cant wait to read more. great job
Go easy on pointing out grammar for the moment. Wanted to get this chapter up tonight, but I was a little tired when editing it. I'll look over it tomorrow with a fresh head.
Pretty good foundation for the story so far. I kind of want the next chapter to have some action.
P.S. 2000+ words in 4 days? Get some sleep, man. :P
This is awesome. I shall wait for more of this thrilling tale!
This is awesome!
Also somewhat ironic since i was listening to this song at the same time as reading it.
this is one of the best changeling stories iv ever read. and iv read ALLOT!! great job. cant wait for more.
Tip:
For some sections, short sentences have more punch. E.g.:
Why did Queen Chrysalis attack Canterlot if this is the case? Simple, power.
Can become:
Why did Queen Chrysalis attack Canterlot if this is the case?
Simple.
Power.
Now... time for MURDER!
or not.... if, ummmm... you don't want to..... ilfantasyleague.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/fluttershy.jpg
AAWW MAN! THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD!
*whips out a chair and snacks*
ALONS-*munch-munch-GULP* SY!
The epicness it is much!
Tell my brother he is a jerk
*dies to due to much exposure to pure awesome*
CELESTIA IIIIIISSSSS SSSCCCRRREEEEWWWWEEEEDDDDD
D
Oh, the suspense!
This won't end well...
this kicks SO MUCH FLANK!!!!
" five royal guard"
should be 'guards'
"but something cannoned into me sending us tumbling"
should be 'but something cannoned into me, sending us tumbling'
"When I described had bad the hunger could be, it was like that but worse."
'had bad'?
"my will cease being my will"
ceased
“Guards escort these ponies out, they no longer have our attention.”
Guards! Escort...
698425
Thanks for pointing them out.
DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNN
"shear strength"
should be sheer
this was F@#king EPIC!!!!
MORE PLEASE!
I'm liking this!
"I would not let her take that from without a fight"
take that from <-- missing word --> without
Why haven't you updated yet?!
756409
Going through exams at the moment. Have a chapter just about ready though now.
Great!
Hooray
"What did it say when a carpet was as comfortable as a bed?" It says you are awesome! Most people only want to sleep on the bed. Me, I can sleep anywhere, floor, couch, chair, under the bed. Means your not picky and... high strung? I liking this changeling more and more!
"Crescendo gulped nervously, straighten his windblown plume, “Crystal.”"
should be
and straightened, or, straightening
"she had knew her responsibility in the inferno"
had known
"got me to me though"
got to me though
"so arbitrary forgive someone"
so arbitrarily
"Lieutenant Crescendo glared at me angrily, “Listen..."
should be angrily. "Listen...
"I shot back, Besides"
shot back. "Besides
He can never catch a break.
Amethyst is best po- er, Changeling.
I'm not going to lie, but I think this wasn't my best chapter. I went through a number of revisions before finally settling on something I felt good with. Call it writer's block, or just the stress of exams. That being said, the next chapter is coming together far better than this one did at the start.
Also, thanks again N00813 for pointing out the errors. I'm going to have to get you on as a pre-reader pretty soon.
I love this story
Any idea when the next chapter should be up? (as a guess, I'd probably say the middle of the week....but you'd know better than me.
)
810080
Probably Wednesday evening or Thursday morning.
810764 Sweet
Oh, this is my second favorite changeling fic!
BOOYA! I've been camping out at my computer all day for this! I was not dissappointed! Though I am curious as to Amethyst's plan of action concerning the ponies outside the gates. But I guess I'll have to wait and see!
please post more
Stay classy Blueblood.
"Crystal Ocean tried maintain his dignity despite his burning face"
should be Ocean Wind, not Crystal
"my attitude of their trivial concerns"
is it attitude towards their?
"mare reprisal"
mare's
"but its who I am"
it's
"drawing a embarrassed blush"
an embarrassed
"I wasn’t being entirely truthfully"
truthful
"said a white unicorns in a cultured tone"
unicorn
"Celestia chose to ignore her nephew outburst"
nephew's
"his selfish outbursts"
you've used outburst twice in that sentence - 'tendencies' may be a better word here
And now for my next trick, I shall fall face first onto my bed and be asleep before I land.
Once again, thanks to N00813 for pointing out my mistakes.
Hmmm....Did I Really get the first view? Because that's what it says.....
Yeesh, Either I'm spending too much timeon this site...or this story is just that good.
853275
No probs.
I'm liking this! Also like the guards relationship and the using the changeling princess, wonder where you plan on taking that? So continue!..... In the morning! I shall wait for the next chapter no matter how long it takes! As long as it's good it's worth the wait!
"anwsered Celestia"
answered
"from her amendments,."
at the end, there are 2 punctuation marks
853275 Oh my god that's such an awesome trick! How did you do it?!
images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1016_BQGk9.jpg
Took a bit longer than I had planned to get this chapter out, in part because halfway through it I went back to re-write it. Other than that, life in general and my job made it difficult to find the time.
Now for a cool little tidbit. Ocean Wind's colours came from this famous painting