The Mane 6 are stuck in Golden Oaks Library as the blizzard rages outside on Hearth's Warming Eve. Twilight decides to read "A Hearth's Warming Carol" to the group as more and more ponies pile in, stuck in until the weather clears.
Chapters (10)
GoneGuy
Joined 12th Dec, 2014 ·
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I love this idea, and it ain't horribly written either, but you gotta slow down and go into more detail. Don't go so fast.
I would agree with 5422974. I quite like where this is going, but pacing and description are things I think you need to work on to improve this story. Don't have everypony coming in one after another, take some time to introduce new characters and develop them a little first, before introducing new characters.
5423040
5422974
There will be plenty of characters coming in later, but there frankly isn't much to develop. These don't really do much.
And considering I want this done before days end...
The story is gonna be pretty condensed.
You could enter this into my CHRISTMAS CONTEST.
5423562
Ha, thanks! But unfortunately I'm writing this on my own, no partner, so I'm ineligible.
5423563 KK.
5423491
If the incoming characters are not supposed to do much - why are they needed for the story anyway? No offense - more an interestet question.
5423859
Purely for the sake of adding a bit more flavor to the story. They are all minor roles, one or two liners and all appear at the end.
5423946
Now lets see, how this turn out.
Btw, some Equestrian Ebenezer Scrooge variant seems very promising to me. I am looking forward to read more of this.
5423966
The story is done, enjoy!
5427257
Ok. Write this while i read.
First: I like your idea really. It is after christmas, however as it started to snow exact today (for the first time this winter), I think it fits. You write well and its reliefing to read.
Chapter 1: Nice setup. I really like the image of cold outside and warm inside. And i just like the Golden Oak Liberary as the coziest place in Ponyville. (let the entering characters freeze and hearthly appreciate the warmth inside). Like stated above the description is a bit rushed. Your cozy warm place deserves a fire in a fireplace, iceblooms on the windows cushions and blankets for the guests... I got carried away. Sorry.
Chapter 2: Yes. He sayd humbug
One minor thing: You mention the passed away Money Hungry in the second sentence, without any reason. Maybe let Icy Hearth actual see a picture of them both or so.
Chapter 3: Nicely done. But you should care about what to tell when. You let the spectre of Money Hungry appear - refering to him directly as Money Hungrey. Later you let introduce himself once more. Its not necessary. Just discribe the haunting spectre whith its rattling chains. The reader gets the information the same time as Ice Hearth.
Chapter 4: Uh. scrap my tip from Chapter 1. A bit at least. Fireplace, blankets and cocoa. Fine.
So far so good. the other chapters may have minor issues - but that were just nitpicking.
Overall:
- I suggest to name the "village". As it is a english carol, you should stick to an ponified english townsname. Trottingham maybe (this would be an actual name in the show. And Pipsqeak - who claims to come from there, speaks with an somewhat english accent) .
On the technical side:
- Saw a few typos and a few missing commas so far. But nothing to bad.
- Your paragraph-indention is a bit distracting. I prefer blank lines over horizontal indents, but thats a matter of taste. But I suggest, to use at least blanklines if there starts a new thought or an entirely new speaker appears.
- The same goes for speech. Its a bit hard to tell who talks to who actually. You can easy get rid of this by adding some
"...," said Twilight.
Or you can characters actually let do something like
"..." Twilight crossed the room, to open the door.
This way its just easier to recognize the actual speaker. This counts double, as you use a big number of (speaking) characters.
All in all: Yes I liked your story. A Really nice done ponified version of the christmas carol. Especially one thing: I love the naming of your characters. Its well thought out and contains nice puns. You write thoughtfull, as far as i got it. And your storytelling is good. You can improve and therefore get really good, if you keep on. As you wished - i enjoyed the read.
I agree with everyone else, even though we already know these characters it would be nice to have a little more description in between everypony arriving. :)