Typewriter

Daring Do has always loved her solidarity, but her life turns around when she has a little sister. Do isn't very good at keeping her promises and one wrong move could break her little sister's heart.

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Comments ( 3 )

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IncinerateChicken

IncinerateChicken #1 · Dec 24th, 2014 · 1 · 7 ·

Oh, look! Her sister writes bad fanfiction! Like someone else I can think of!

TwiwnB

TwiwnB #2 · Dec 24th, 2014 · 6 · ·

Nice quiet little story. Nothing spectacular, but that's also kind of the point.

For what I can analyze, there are three parallel stories here.
1. the relationship between Daring Do and her sister
2. the quest for the treasure
3. Typewriter's struggle with her story

I'm not sure the story should be improved in any way, as it works pretty well in my opinion. Still, I would like to discuss some points.

When it comes to the quest for the treasure, I wonder if it wouldn't be interesting to put a bit more of a fight when Typewriter enters the cottage. I mean:

I pushed a door open and on the other side was a small box. I walked over to it and carefully lifted off the lid. Inside was exactly what I had come for.

She enters and everything works as expected. A "climax" might add something fun there and add in the satisfaction to obtain the items. Typewriter is young, so why not fight with the curtains, avoid the terrible shadow monster that hides in the wall, and defuse a fatal trap that would have paralyzed her when she would have opened the box? It doesn't seem that it would have changed the spirit of the story too much (it's pretty much the same thing you did before), so I'm almost asking why you decided to make that story end in such a simple way.

***

When it comes to the struggle of Typewriter to finish her story, I just miss a hint before the:

"Do, it's OK. I'm just sad that I haven't finished my story yet."

The key point in my eyes is there:

Typewriter leaned back in her chair and blew part of her mane out of her face.

Typewriter has just stopped writing, but nothing shows she isn't finished. In fact, her story could stop there and still be considered as complete. Something in the line of a "She couldn't find a good ending..." could help the reader understand what is at stake. Also, wouldn't it possible to show a bit of a struggle to write in the parts before that? She always seem to know exactly what to write, but it would be possible to make her hesitate at some point or think that what she has written isn't the best, but would have to do for now, or something similar. It would emphasize the struggle in order to foreshadow the ending.
And of course, make Typewriter ask Do for help (even if in a very subbtle way) the first time they both speak together would be a easy way to hint to the resolution.

***

As for the relationship between Typewriter and Daring Do... I haven't got anything to really discuss. I'm just curious to know if:

"OK, sis. Whatever."

This is a casual response a sister would give. Seems kinda mean, but as I'm not an english speaker, it's kind of hard for me to feel such nuances.

***

As I said, I made that comment because I wanted to discuss a few points, but the whole atmosphere of the story is very simple, very warm and quiet, which I enjoy. One of my favorite stories is in that tone and I appreciate it. I'm not sure anything I propose would really make the story better in any way.

Keep on having fun ^^.

MixMassBasher