- Member Since 14th Dec, 2014
- offline last seen May 24th, 2018
GrizzlytheMedic
I put out fires, write stories, other fun stuff in between too~
GrizzlytheMedic
Joined 14th Dec, 2014 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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GrizzlytheMedic · 3.9k words · 60 14 · 864 views
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I have to say, as much as I like the clop, I think Derpy shouldn't have been his first. He has kindly refused every offer prior, yet he goes to Lotus to ask what to do? To me, that was kinda unrealistic. Even if he had sex with one (or both) of the Spa Sisters before, I could see him asking.
This is just my opinion.
5417296
That has happened way too much. I'm glad to hear your input. It was only an intro, the real love story begins in the 3rd or 4th chapter.
Thanks for not trashing it.
Good start good start.
5417978
Thanks!
5417330 No problem. I just found these two statements:
Somewhat contradictory. How could he be pleasuring mare while being chaste?
Fantastic story man. Keep up the good work!
5418745
I get what you're saying. He just kinda has my type of numbed psyche that I got when doing live-fire exercises. Just taking a hit and moving on to the next thing. I can fix that if you wanted.
5418462
Thanks!
You're a military pilot? Cool. Good luck out there and be safe.
As for the story, very interesting. Just don't move the relationship too fast. Even though, I can see it doing so depending on what had happened during David's arrival to Equestria.
5420116
Not a pilot, I operate electronic warfare equipment in EA-18G and EA-6B Growler jets, I don't pilot them. Still cool to be at 30k feet and 5g's
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/fe/EA-18G_at_Whidbey_April_2007.jpg \
EA-18G
richard-seaman.com/Wallpaper/Aircraft/Naval/SpecialPurpose/Ea6Taxying.jpg
EA-6B
Text cloud only issue I seen great story keep it up
PS any flights open to the public let me know always wanted to go up
you should add a human tag to your story.
5422329
Fixed that.
5422287
Sure thing. With the jets I use, there is little chance since the tech in them is still highly classified to the public. Operating out of AU is part of a huge operation. I could see about the EA-6B though, still might be a chance in the old ones. My personal favorite to fly in.
Well, I'm glad that Spitfire and David are clearing the air and setting the boundaries. I look forward to seeing their relationship build. I also look forward to seeing how he is going to handle his physical therapy with the other (female) Wonderbolts.
I must say, I am thoroughly enjoying this.
That being said, I do still feel it has it's flaws. In some places, it feels a bit rushed, like when he was running to the field, How did he get out there as fast as he did? Hurricane is a masseuse, not a track runner. At the very least, it should be emphasized just how far up Spits was if she was falling at the speeds that were being described.
Furthermore, when writing, you typically don't want to use numbers themselves, so instead of
try
And even that could be changed to
just to make it seem a little less repetitive.
I'm not the greatest review giver, but those were the two main issues that I had been having with reading this...
As I said, I am greatly enjoying this, and I very much look forward to more, but I recommend working on those.
So, David and Spitfire are now going to be official. Sweet. I just hope get overwhelmed by the '15 minutes of fame' he is about to receive.
5427526
Thanks for the tips and I'm glad you're enjoying the story!
......*take a big breath...*look at the clock and date* Sunday...that fast?
.....*keep reading*...
Very good, can't wait for more.
Huh, I wasn't aware that we have nine horses with wings or horns. [None] What a difference one letter can make! Also, the characters need to have flaws, vices, imperfections. Like Spitfire has jealousy/ control issues, is a slob when it comes to maintaining her personal space, and lazy. Dave's pretty much a blank slate when it comes to his flaws, vices, imperfections. Given that he's supposed to be military, I could definitely see gambling, smoking, drinking and womanizing. But, that's just my suggestion for him as a character. Feel free to exceed my expectations and give him completely unexpected flaws, vices, imperfections.
5433335
)
I do have my charms, which won me that heart of a lovely Aussie lass 
)
Thanks for the heads up. My mom is yelling at me for that (she's an english teacher
What you said is true. The characters do have flaws however, Dave's problems are none of the above, he has a much deeper issue at hand. (leaving you hanging until the next chapter)
oh and btw, I'm military and I don't smoke, drink, or gamble. (I didn't say anything about womanizing though.
I would call you a dirty liar!
Someones life is in danger. fuck the chain of command!
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131002145936/mlp/images/e/e5/Spit_take.png
your mom reads your story!? holy shit dude.
5448619
Funny thing actually. My mom is a well distinguished English teacher. Works with kids with severe behavioral disorders from all over RI. I stayed with her and my dad over the holidays.
I think there could be a bit more description in what's going on, specifically in a part like when Rainbow thought she should leave. Like, show how Hurricane felt guilty about how it seemed like she felt.
Another thing, this occurred again:
Remember, unless using it as a time type deal (i.e "we leave in 10 minutes) you want to write out the number. Like, you wouldn't write "Would you 3 come with me" you would write "Would you three come with me." Another acceptable place to use numbers would be if there was a number in the location, i.e "67th street" (first thing that came to mind).
Still liking the story, good luck with your stuff :)
5455098
Thanks for that.
5455102 No problem, I want to help as much as I can, and hopefully I'm not coming off as mean
5455111
No way dude! It's totally ok!
Great chapter:)
And I can totally understand your problem
5461835
Thanks!
Lol that was good that was good.
5462688
Thank you!
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, that escalated
very, no, extremely quicklyBut, otherwise s'okay.
NOOOO !!!! Not a cliff hanger! Not here! Why must you torment me!
so jealous
woot woot way to go spitfire and David now that is how to start a family.
harts fire
Well that was fast.
I still liked it though.
wow I for one will be sad to see this story come to a close.
but if I may I think this will need a sequel after all they only have one foal on the way and a family really needs a few foal's running around.
Ir anyone want to see some good humanized ponies art, then search "Mauroz"
5491521
Authur ManGuffin you just lost the status of last.
I can just feel the cuteness from Phoenix this is a vary good ending to a really good story.
and a sequel but about war I will be watching for this.
harts fire.
5508691
It's already been submitted. Awaiting approval! I think you'll like it!
cool I will be back on site in a little I need to go clear the coal ashes and put more coal in the boiler, I grew up in pa and love it but at 50 I am starting to mind the cold. and it is 5 out side right now.
5508725
It's a beautiful 77 degrees at Amberley this morning!
sure would you like a little salt to rub in the wound.
5508743
Nah, but I got a shit-ton of Vegemite.
that will work really really good also
5420070
Personally I think David's reaction of assimilating the job offer from Spitfire, without letting it impede his ability to do his job, fits perfectly.