Patric12345
Joined 13th Jan, 2013 ·
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Pick a more attractive cover art and I'll consider giving this a read.
Too much dialogue and not enough actual substance. I know who the canon characters are, but who are these OCs, and why should I care about them? What do they even look like? Is there any background to what's going on?
Also, you need a lot of work on your punctuation.
4887947 Thank you for bringing some stuff I didn't notice to my attention... I shouldn't have been so stupid as to publish it before I at least made sure it was understandable and somewhat connectable for the reader. I'm going to be working on a re-write that I hope to get finished soon. I'm hoping that it's better then the original.
Not bad.
A bit unclear, but nothing too bad that it can't be explained in the next chapter.
Update?
5340865 Trying to find the time to do it. Don't worry though. It's coming.
Where's the next chapter?
Had no idea what the fuck was going on at the beginning and middle, but at the end it got a little clearer. Maybe make the story more easier to read by getting rid of the large amount of dialogue and add more of a description from time to time. It’s all just very confusing. The only bit I really liked was at the end when Silver and Spitfire’s relationship got clearer.
10654755
Yeah. I may rewrite the first chapter and continue it at some point later. This isn’t the best laid out thing I’ve ever done.
10655437
Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a good story. But if it’s just made a tad clearer, it’d be easier to understand. Nice work though
10655483
Oh, heh. I didn’t take offense or anything. I know exactly what you mean. My writing has improved over the years. So this could be made a lot clearer. Like separating it into three chapters or some such to better explore each part.
10655500
I agree, you take criticism very well. I applaud you 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻