Chapter 1
The summer was hot. It was a simple statement, but the word ‘hot’ could convey much more than any amount of extra adjectives. Put into a tiny summary of three letters, the summer was exhausting and sweltering, enough to send peals of sweat rolling across the body and make an ice cold drink seem like heaven on earth. The summer was hot, and Scootaloo was experiencing the heat full blast.
Everyone was wearing their bathing suits out that summer. Scootaloo’s was a boyish ensemble, a pair of loose-fitting shorts and a top that covered most of her upper body. Some of the kids with aspirations to be like their big sisters, who wore form-fitting bikinis that made the eyes of the boys turn, had chosen outfits that were a tad more risqué – but Scootaloo didn’t have much to show off anyway. Besides which, she thought boys were stupid; why would she go to any trouble wearing dumb, uncomfortable clothing to try and impress them?
Scootaloo hadn’t seen either of her friends since school let out. The last few days in the classroom were practically torture, forced into an uncomfortable wooden desk and made to sweat out the beginnings of the summer heat while Miss Cheerilee droned on about Equestrian history. Scootaloo had run home the second she heard the bell on the last day of class, and not looked back. The next couple of days had been nothing but lounging in the tiny inflatable pool her father had bought, and drinking as much water or soda as she could manage.
But today was ice cream day.
Scootaloo hadn’t called to either of her friends – she knew she’d run into them eventually, and it was likely both Applebloom and Sweetie Belle had summer plans of their own. Scootaloo was starting to get bored out of her mind, so any opportunity to get out of the house seemed like a good idea. Ice cream was just a bonus.
She’d passed by some of her classmates on the walk to the ice cream stand. Diamond Tiara had shot her a snooty look, which Scootaloo had ignored to the best of her ability. Predictably, Tiara was clad in the most inappropriate swimsuit her puppy-dog eyes could beg out of her daddy’s bank account; Scootaloo had been forced to hold back a gag as she walked by. Even if a girl her age had the form to fill out that kind of outfit, she didn’t have any business doing so.
Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity of walking on pavement so hot she was afraid her feet might burn, Scootaloo reached the promised land: the ice cream stand by the public swimming pool. Scootaloo didn’t have any real interest in swimming either – she liked the diving board, and outracing the boys in her class that would challenge her to races, but the crowds got on her nerves. Plus, there were plenty more girls like Diamond Tiara flaunting their two piece swimsuits that were far too small. For now, the inflatable pool would do fine. Spending a day in the personal watering-hole with a delicious ice-cream cone seemed like a great idea.
To Scootaloo’s surprise, there was no line at the ice cream stand. She assumed that since it was so late in the afternoon, everyone else had already picked up their treats. Good news, in her mind – it meant she had full run of the counter, and enough time to pick out whatever flavour she wanted. There was only one person in line in front of her – from a distance, she couldn’t quite make out who it was. As she got closer, the figure of the person at the counter became clearer, and it was quite a figure. Scootaloo’s mouth fell slightly agape as she got a proper sight of the pudgy kid pointing up to one of the flavour names on the shelf.
“I’ll take all the rest of the chocolate and strawberry, please!”
Scootaloo’s mouth opened even wider. She recognized that voice.
“Sweetie Belle?”
The pudgy girl gave a half glance over her shoulder. Her eyes widened when she saw Scootaloo behind her.
“Scootaloo!”
Before she could react, Scootaloo’s breath was knocked out of her. A set of chubby arms wrapped around her waist, and she felt herself being squished against Sweetie’s considerable stomach as the over-enthusiastic hug threatened to squeeze her to death.
“I haven’t seen you since school got out! Have you been having a good summer?”
Scootaloo hadn’t remembered Sweetie Belle being that… big. She’d started putting on weight towards the end of the school year, yes, but this was a little… well, maybe it was the way her swimsuit accentuated the rest of her body. Sweetie Belle had opted for a two piece as well. It looked like it might have been modest on a normal size person, but on Sweetie Belle it reminded Scootaloo of Diamond Tiara’s tiny faux-bikini. Sweetie’s bare belly took up practically all of her frame, and the length of fabric on her top was only just enough to cover the part of her chest that needed to be kept private. Sweetie didn’t have a lot to show off in that regard, still being quite young – but there was definitely a shape to her top, whether from the beginning of a womanly growth spurt, or just an accommodation for the pudginess the rest of her had taken on as well. It was certainly a good deal more to conceal that Scootaloo’s absolute flatness, at least.
Sweetie’s bottoms were a little more sizable – more than likely because they had to be – but they squished around the back between Sweetie’s sizable butt-cheeks. She didn’t look like a trashy teen prostitute in the vain Diamond Tiara had been emulating – just like a pudgy girl who was a little too small for her outfit. Also unlike Diamond Tiara, Scootaloo didn’t feel the urge to gag at the sight of her. That was partly because Sweetie Belle was her friend – but even though she’d had the wind knocked out of her with the force of Sweetie’s excited hug, she felt the exact opposite of something negative going through her head. The squish of Sweetie’s belly against her own stomach made her think of soft blankets, or marshmallows. It made her body feel all tingly, in a way she wasn’t quite sure how to describe.
Eventually realizing that Scootaloo was hard-pressed to talk with the air squeeze out of her, Sweetie Belle loosened her hug, and smiled sweetly as Scootaloo collected her thoughts. After a second of heavy breathing, Scoots nodded.
“Uh… yeah, it’s been alright. Kind of boring, really; just lots of lying around doing nothing. What about you?”
“Mine’s been great! I’ve been helping Rarity, and she’s been teaching me how to cook!”
Sweetie’s voice cracked at the height of her enthusiasm, and she bounced up and down when she spoke. Scootaloo caught herself staring at the way Sweetie’s tummy jiggled as she rocked back and forth on her heels. She shook her head quickly, trying to clear her thoughts again. The hug had jarred her head a little bit more than she thought, apparently.
The cooking explained Sweetie’s sudden onset of pudginess, and the mention of food reminded Scootaloo why she had originally gone out in the first place.
“Huh, that sounds fun.” Scootaloo peeked over Sweetie’s shoulder towards the man behind the wooden stand with a scoop in his hand. “So, uh, were you getting ice cream? I could really go for a cone right about now.”
“Oh yeah, I totally forgot! Sure, I’ll get mine and then you can go, okay?”
Scootaloo nodded as Sweetie turned around to the stand and discussed her purchase with the stand-owner. Her butt jiggled when she walked too. Scootaloo felt several beads of sweat trickling across her forehead, and she wiped them away with the back of her hand. Hot, it was very hot.
As Sweetie Belle turned around with her ice cream, Scootaloo’s jaw dropped again.
“How much ice cream did you buy?!”
Sweetie had a tub in either arm, holding them against her body. Each container was large enough to house a small dog, which meant there was likely more than enough ice cream in there to last a normal person the entire summer. But, given Sweetie’s recent increase in appetite…
“Oh, just a couple hundred dollars worth. Rarity’s been giving me an allowance for helping her, and I couldn’t think of anything better to spend it on than ice cream! I got two flavours – chocolate, and strawberry!”
Scootaloo eyed the twin tubs of dairy dessert. She couldn’t imagine eating more than two bowlfuls at most, three if she swore off food for the next two days. How long would they last with Sweetie Belle?
The way Sweetie was holding them against her skin send tiny wisps of steam into the air as the cold surface collided with her sweaty sides and stomach. Scootaloo also noted that it brought a very distinct tautness from the icy tubs, making Sweetie’s skin look bright and wet as the summer sun beamed down from overhead. Scootaloo had forgotten about her own ice cream again.
“Do you, uh, need any help with that?”
“No, I think I can manage, but you could help me carry it if you want.”
Good Goddess, she was going to eat all that by herself?
Scootaloo wondered what the sight of Sweetie Belle devouring a whole tub of ice cream might look like.
“Yeah, I can help you carry them!” Scootaloo blurted, and reached out to take the tub of Strawberry on Sweetie’s left. The chill against her hands made her shiver – or maybe the way her hand rubbed against Sweetie’s stomach when she took the container.
“Thanks! Do you wanna come back to my place for a bit? You can have a little bit, if you want.”
Scootaloo nodded, and Sweetie beamed at her. With money still in her pocket from the ice cream she had forgotten to buy, Scootaloo trudged onward to Sweetie Belle’s house, holding the giant tub of ice cream at arm’s length. She walked behind Sweetie, who started humming a tune and skipping as the pair started their trek. With every skip and tiny jump, Sweetie’s butt wobbled in her not quite big enough bathing suit bottoms.
Despite the coolness of the ice cream against her skin, Scootaloo found herself sweating again.
The two arrived at Sweetie’s house (which was also Rarity’s house) after a walk of about fifteen minutes. Scootaloo had struggled to hoist the bucket of ice cream the entire way, but Sweetie Belle had plodded on unfettered, still singing and skipping as they reached the door to the well-decorated estate she called home. Sweetie Belle led the way to the kitchen, and Scootaloo gave a sigh of relief as she lowered the frozen tub to the floor. The outside was slick with condensation – even the coldest ice cream wasn’t immune to the summer heat. Scootaloo was sweating profusely herself, and right now a bite of that ice cream sounded like the best idea ever. Before that, though, it was probably a good idea to put the tubs in the freezer before they melted.
Scootaloo hoisted the container off the floor with a small struggle, and clutched it against her stomach with one arm while she reached up for the freezer door.
Scootaloo was, in terms of stature, about as different from Sweetie Belle as was possible. Even when the two had started school, Scootaloo had been the limber tom-boy with long gangly limbs and a good half a foot on anyone else in her class. Sweetie had been a little chubby, but about the same size as everyone else; now the gap between them was even wider, with Scootaloo looking like a stickman on a track-team, and Sweetie Belle the size of two kids in one body. Despite her flabbiness, however, Sweetie didn’t have any trouble carrying that bucket of ice cream call the way home, and now Scootaloo was having trouble getting it off the floor. Maybe it was because Sweetie was more focused on the idea of eating the ice cream than how heavy it happened to be.
“Hey, Sweetie Belle, can you give me a hand with-“Scootaloo paused mid-sentence as she looked over her shoulder, hoping for her friend’s assistance. Instead of Sweetie Belle behind her, holding the bucket of ice cream ready to go in the freezer after she’d served herself a bowl, Sweetie was sitting at the antique kitchen counter top with the tub in front of her, lid next to it, and a spoon in her mouth. Sweetie pulled the spoon out with a contented ‘mmm’, and a tiny drop of strawberry fell on her chest before she plunged the spoon back into the bucket. She collected another healthy mouthful and gobbled the entire thing up in one bite, a huge helping of pink ice cream vanishing as she devoured it.
Scootaloo’s eyes darted to the dab of pink liquid dribbling down Sweetie’s skin for a moment, before snapping back up. She supposed she could manage this bucket by herself. She just didn’t know why Rarity had decided on a fridge with such a high top cabinet. Even Scootaloo, tall for her age, was having trouble getting the still mostly frozen dairy product in the freezer. If she just had another couple inches…
Scootaloo tried standing on her tip-toes, stretching up as tall as she could go, trying to shove the ice cream tub into the freezer with just her fingertips. In desperation, she hopped up and pushed the container forward. It went in, finally, far enough not to fall back out. But, as Scootaloo touched down from her jump, her bare feet met the floor still wet with the moisture that had been collecting on the outside of the ice cream bucket. Her balance wasn’t with her, and the floor quickly slid out from beneath her, sending her tumbling backwards onto the hard kitchen tile.
“Waaah!” Scootaloo reached her hands out searching for something to stop her fall, but found only air. The impact knocked the wind out of her for the second time of the day.
The sound of her friend’s fall was enough to draw Sweetie’s attention from the tub of ice cream, as delicious as it was. She snapped her head sideways to see Scootaloo mid descent, and get a full view of her landing on the floor.
“Ohmygoodness, Scootaloo! Are you okay?” Sweetie sprung up from the stool she had been sitting on, leaving her spoon wedged into the mass of pink strawberry cream still left in the tub on the counter top. She hurried towards Scootaloo, hoping the tile hadn’t been too painful a landing surface.
As she scurried across the kitchen, Sweetie’s feet hit the same patch of water Scootaloo had landed on – and Sweetie was leaps and bounds less graceful than her friend. It wouldn’t have taken much to put her off balance; a tiny pool on slick linoleum was more than adequate. Sweetie Belle had time for a worried 'Ah-' before she slid forward, sprawling into the air – right overtop of Scootaloo’s collapsed form.
If Scootaloo had any air left in her, Sweetie would have knocked it out again – instead, Scootaloo could only manage a tiny cough as Sweetie landed on her. It was a nice contrast to her own fall; instead of unaccommodating kitchen tile, hard and unpleasant, Sweetie’s body was soft and squishy. Even landing on top of her at full force, Scootaloo felt like she was being smothered by a giant ball of marshmallow. The key difference being, however, that Sweetie’s skin was soft and supple. It was warm against Scootaloo’s exposed stomach as Sweetie landed atop her. In addition, Sweetie’s trajectory hadn’t been in perfect alignment with Scootaloo’s, which meant a big section of her belly was squished onto Scootaloo’s face as well. Scootaloo felt a familiar tingly feeling as the soft skin pressed into her nose and mouth, and for some reason she fought herself holding back the urge to part her lips and plant a big kiss right on Sweetie Belle’s squeezable tummy. She could feel Sweetie Belle’s bathing suit bottom against her hand too, which meant Sweetie’s big, round butt had landed on Scootaloo’s arm. Scootaloo fought another strange impulse, forcing her fingers not to squeeze the oh-so-soft cheek pressed into her palm.
“Scootaloo, are you okay?!” Sweetie repeated the question, now with extra urgency, considering her friend was squished underneath her.
“Yeah,” Scootaloo managed from underneath Sweetie’s stomach. “Never better.”
After both girls managed to get properly upright and ascertain there had been no permanent damage, the only thing to attend to was the considerable volume of ice cream left waiting for them on the counter. It had started to melt just a bit, which made it almost perfect for eating straight from the tub. Scootaloo had been given a spoon, and managed to get a bite every few seconds between Sweetie’s flurry of stabs at the giant helping of frozen treat. Scootaloo had almost done a double take when she looked down after only several minutes to realize the tub was almost completely empty – and Sweetie was scraping around the edges of the bottom, getting every last drop. She had licked the spoon off when she was done, and given a satisfied sigh.
“That was delicious!”
“Yeah, it was pretty good,” Scootaloo agreed. She thought she had gotten maybe ten bites in total – which, really, was enough for her. Watching Sweetie gobble down bite after bite of ice cream had kept the tingly feeling going. She wasn’t sure what to think about it, but somehow watching Sweetie enjoy the ice cream was better than eating it herself.
The speed of Sweetie’s consumption meant that a decent amount of the strawberry ice cream had landed on Sweetie’s mouth and chest. Instead of the single dribble form earlier, there were now pink splotches on Sweetie Belle’s bathing suit top, and some on her face, as well as one or two just outside her lips.
Despite the cool treat, Scootaloo was sweating again.
“Hey, uh, Sweetie… you’ve got a little ice cream, uh, here.” Scootaloo gestured to her own mouth. Sweetie blinked, and darted her tongue out on the opposite side of her lips, licking in an attempt to get rid of the ice cream she couldn’t see.
“No, other side…”
Sweetie licked at the other side of her mouth, completely missing the dab of pink on her skin.
Scootaloo gulped.
“Here, let me get it.” Scootaloo leaned towards Sweetie, her face just inches from her friends.
Scootaloo was sweating. It suddenly felt very hot.
The dab of pink was there, just waiting for her. Scootaloo closed her eyes, and dived her head forward, planting her lips firmly on the side of Sweetie’s mouth. Her lips made a soft sound as they pressed against Sweetie’s soft skin. Scootaloo darted just the tip of her tongue out, and collected the tiny dab of ice cream. She couldn’t tell if the sweetness was from the strawberry, or just the taste of Sweetie’s cheek. She felt hotter inside than the sun had ever felt that summer.
As quick as she had darted forward, Scootaloo pulled her head back, opening her eyes and exhaling loudly. Sweetie looked startled, as though she wasn’t sure quite how to respond. Scootaloo couldn’t look her in the eye – her gaze locked to the ground, and she kicked her legs against the bar of her stool, just above the floor.
After several seconds of silence, Sweetie Belle was the first to speak.
“Scootaloo-“
At the sound of her own name, Scootaloo jumped up from her chair, landing with a thump on the kitchen floor.
“Thanks for the ice cream, Sweetie Belle,” she practically shouted. She turned quickly, darting across the kitchen, taking care for the traces of water on the tile. “We should hang out again sometime soon, okay?”
Scootaloo turned her head to catch sight of Sweetie Belle staring at her. Her eyes looked lost, but her cheeks were flushed pink, and she was smiling ever so slightly.
“Yeah, of course! I’ll call you later – maybe you can come over and help me and Rarity with baking!”
Scootaloo paused at the doorway, turning the thought over in her head for a moment. The image of Sweetie Belle, covered in chocolate cake batter and white icing popped into her mind, sudden and vivid.
“Yeah… that sounds great.”
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- HedgehogNinja94 · 4.3k words · 25 10 · 4.9k views
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>ross
526666
i know
he drew me some pictures though
plus his pinkie pie is pretty nice
false
ross pls go
526685
:(
Where do I begin....
i.imgur.com/youbK.png
526666>>526677>>526827 *deep inhale* this is why I don't go on 4chan.
Not anymore anyways.
526834 I apologize...
I removed the memeface.
526845 Not the memeface, no. That was my exact reaction. The story...good god.
There are a handful of people on this site that genuinely make a good, linear, or at the very least funny stories. Then...there's this.
526875
um hey
if you're gonna complain about my writing, i have a library of pony sex to choose from
but this is like, a cute sort of shipping story
you kind of sound like a jerk
526875 nothing to do here.
let's fly!
dafuq?
I'm a child and wat the fuck is this?
Does not want
Fuck you dude, just fuck you. I got half a boner from this, and that's three boners too much. I don't know why, but I did.
It was well written, but the subject matter, just...no. I need brain bleach.
This story...could be good, and it's not exactly bad as it stands, but it has some major issues that keep me from enjoying it:
1. Style:
"The summer was hot. It was a simple statement, but the word ‘hot’ could convey much more than any amount of extra adjectives. Put into a tiny summary of three letters, the summer was exhausting and sweltering, enough to send peals of sweat rolling across the body and make an ice cold drink seem like heaven on earth. The summer was hot, and Scootaloo was experiencing the heat full blast."
Things like this are only excusable if they further the story, are clever, or reveal more about the characters (if you're doing the narration from their perspective). Otherwise is just is self-indulgent and unnecessary. This isn't all that's wrong with it though; it's awkward, stilted, and lacking direction. It seems very bare bones, to be honest. I'd like more description, more variety in sentences and word choice, and more flow.
2. Lack of creativity:
For a story that's centered around a humanized Scootaloo getting aroused--because that's exactly what happened--by Sweetie being fat, there's an astonishing lack of creative energy. It's simple, and there's not much to it. But it doesn't have the tightness of most one shot stories. Although you have the right idea with the ending, I think, the story lacks the charm to pull it off well. Oddly enough, this story feels generic, despite the premise.
You have potential as a writer. You're not as bad as MANY of the people on here are, but it's easy to tell that you're inexperienced. Find a good editor and keep writing, and you'll be writing with the best of them soon enough.
Not gonna lie, this story has me strangely interested... so... tracking I guess? Tracking.
Scootabelle! Yay
527119
That advice actually helped ME out (even though Im not writing ANYTHING like a romance fic) so thanks
527119
I completely disagree on your first point, talking about the temperature in a story where the temperature is likely to play a part (I have not, I admit, read the story, however I fear that with very fat characters there will be sweating involved, and that requires heat) and just saying "it was hot" makes that detail throwaway. Spending a paragraph talking about just how hot it is will get that stuck in the reader's head and provide a lot more context for sticky things later. This is a short one-shot, things like that are more than excusable. It may not move the story along per-se but it gives important backdrop. This particular instance may or may not have been done well, I don't know, but I think it's a perfectly valid literary device.
As for the story itself, I'm going to go run in fear because it's a request from ross of all people. and of course horses having horse sex is much more defensible than fat people existing, gosh
okay
528074
That would REALLY depend on how it tied in to contribute to the overall style.
528467
Absolutely it would, and as I said, I haven't read this story, however your statement was a blanket statement that things like that were not acceptable, which is something I disagree with.
528474
it would be bad to say this is "wrong". However, I think we can safely chalk up our disdain for this story to preference.
528482
Of course! I never meant to suggest otherwise. All I was meaning to point out was that I saw one person making a statement I disagreed with, and then crucially another new writer taking that advice - another perspective was, I felt, required.
528509
quite.
528509
There are exceptions to just about every rule in the English language, and just as many for writing. I'm still going to tell someone that they shouldn't do something that we think of as wrong in storytelling just because someone might be able to get past all of the bad examples and make it good. I think it almost goes without saying that stylistic decisions trump everything else, but I think that even those should be carefully examined. I'm not as strict as the "every word must tell" folks, but I would say that every part should have a purpose in the story, and the purpose and execution should be looked at for each part to decide if it should be there.
Perhaps instead of "clever" I should have said something relating to style, but again, I think that stylistic decisions being an exception to almost any rule is a given.
528544
I think that here the stylistic choice is quite clear, even if the writer didn't entirely pull it off, and the "don't do this ever" is misplaced because of this. Writing advice is all well and good, but I think more focus needs to be put on the exceptions if you're going to put that much emphasis on the rule.
527107
Dude, I know exactly what you're saying. Overweight Sweetie Belle tends to have that effect on people.
528565
Just about every rule of writing is like that though; there's no special emphasis. "Don't do this unless..." is the formula that most of all of this goes by. Just because I missed the one that applies to just about everything, the one that is so rarely mentioned because of that very reason, doesn't mean that special emphasis needs to be made or that you needed to step in. It's really a minor point, one that people will get regardless of whether or not you point it out.
531198
At least one person commented in such a way that implied otherwise. It's *not* an obvious point to a new writer who is still trying to get the hard rules of writing down, so it very much does need to be said. Don't forget you're dealing with fanfiction here.
532732
Well, no, they made a general comment about advice. As much as I respect the wish to be careful when giving writing advice, I think you're jumping at shadows here.
526834
You thought this was bad, just wait untill you see the clopfic that I'm writing.
Ok, I'm not going to lie. This one kinda sucked.
Not that you aren't a great writer and all, and I admire that you don't make a bunch of ridiculous grammar mistakes, but this story lacked something.
Like, why the hell would Scootaloo like her cause she's fat?
And what's with the sudden weight gain? It had been, like, freakin' not even a month, right? How could someone get so gargantuan in that period of time. I mean, maybe she wasn't as fat as I think she was, but it sure sounded like she was pretty damned fat. 
There's nothing wrong with being fat. But, it seemed so strange the way this happened.
Or, was that the funny part? Is this supposed to be funny? I guess it's kinda funny...
I'd like to see more stories like this one.
Good story dude! i like it
At first I was like
"what the..?"
and then I was like
"I'm okay with this"
1092293 I think I get it now. I'm not one for strange fetishes, but I think I can accept this one. After all, what's our motto?
Endure for Your ComradesLove and Tolerance! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Scootaloo_lolface.pngAlso, I don't know if it'll say this, but my new name is Wayward Mind, just sayin'. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Fluttershy.png
Aaaaand now I remember why I don't read through the comments sections of fics that have anything questionable/ out of the ordinary.
I enjoyed it, it was a cute shipfic. Managed to forget about the human tag so ended up trying to work out how swimsuits worked on ponies, until I saw "hands/fingers"
Cool story to read on a cold rainy day (apparently it's spring over here in England. Yeah. Right.)
Next fic I shall read is Secret Rites
pfffftttttHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'M LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD JUST OH MY GOD WHY SO MANY DISLIKES THIS IS HILARIOUS HAHAHAHAHA
O my glob fat Sweetie Bell, SOOOO HAWT btw im a girl