pony-writer/pornographer looking for work. old stories undeleted. i'm sorry. Patreon here
During a hot, boring summer, Scootaloo heads down to the ice cream stand in search of something cool and refreshing. When she runs into Sweetie Belle, who's put on a couple pounds since the end of school, she finds herself feeling hotter instead of cool, as well as more than a little confused.
Request for Ross of MLPG.
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>ross
526666
i know
he drew me some pictures though
plus his pinkie pie is pretty nice
false
ross pls go
526685
:(
Where do I begin....
i.imgur.com/youbK.png
526666>>526677>>526827 *deep inhale* this is why I don't go on 4chan.
Not anymore anyways.
526834 I apologize...
I removed the memeface.
526845 Not the memeface, no. That was my exact reaction. The story...good god.
There are a handful of people on this site that genuinely make a good, linear, or at the very least funny stories. Then...there's this.
526875
um hey
if you're gonna complain about my writing, i have a library of pony sex to choose from
but this is like, a cute sort of shipping story
you kind of sound like a jerk
526875 nothing to do here.
let's fly!
dafuq?
I'm a child and wat the fuck is this?
Does not want
Fuck you dude, just fuck you. I got half a boner from this, and that's three boners too much. I don't know why, but I did.
It was well written, but the subject matter, just...no. I need brain bleach.
This story...could be good, and it's not exactly bad as it stands, but it has some major issues that keep me from enjoying it:
1. Style:
"The summer was hot. It was a simple statement, but the word ‘hot’ could convey much more than any amount of extra adjectives. Put into a tiny summary of three letters, the summer was exhausting and sweltering, enough to send peals of sweat rolling across the body and make an ice cold drink seem like heaven on earth. The summer was hot, and Scootaloo was experiencing the heat full blast."
Things like this are only excusable if they further the story, are clever, or reveal more about the characters (if you're doing the narration from their perspective). Otherwise is just is self-indulgent and unnecessary. This isn't all that's wrong with it though; it's awkward, stilted, and lacking direction. It seems very bare bones, to be honest. I'd like more description, more variety in sentences and word choice, and more flow.
2. Lack of creativity:
For a story that's centered around a humanized Scootaloo getting aroused--because that's exactly what happened--by Sweetie being fat, there's an astonishing lack of creative energy. It's simple, and there's not much to it. But it doesn't have the tightness of most one shot stories. Although you have the right idea with the ending, I think, the story lacks the charm to pull it off well. Oddly enough, this story feels generic, despite the premise.
You have potential as a writer. You're not as bad as MANY of the people on here are, but it's easy to tell that you're inexperienced. Find a good editor and keep writing, and you'll be writing with the best of them soon enough.
Not gonna lie, this story has me strangely interested... so... tracking I guess? Tracking.
Scootabelle! Yay
527119
That advice actually helped ME out (even though Im not writing ANYTHING like a romance fic) so thanks
527119
I completely disagree on your first point, talking about the temperature in a story where the temperature is likely to play a part (I have not, I admit, read the story, however I fear that with very fat characters there will be sweating involved, and that requires heat) and just saying "it was hot" makes that detail throwaway. Spending a paragraph talking about just how hot it is will get that stuck in the reader's head and provide a lot more context for sticky things later. This is a short one-shot, things like that are more than excusable. It may not move the story along per-se but it gives important backdrop. This particular instance may or may not have been done well, I don't know, but I think it's a perfectly valid literary device.
As for the story itself, I'm going to go run in fear because it's a request from ross of all people. and of course horses having horse sex is much more defensible than fat people existing, gosh
okay
528074
That would REALLY depend on how it tied in to contribute to the overall style.
528467
Absolutely it would, and as I said, I haven't read this story, however your statement was a blanket statement that things like that were not acceptable, which is something I disagree with.
528474
it would be bad to say this is "wrong". However, I think we can safely chalk up our disdain for this story to preference.
528482
Of course! I never meant to suggest otherwise. All I was meaning to point out was that I saw one person making a statement I disagreed with, and then crucially another new writer taking that advice - another perspective was, I felt, required.
528509
quite.
528509
There are exceptions to just about every rule in the English language, and just as many for writing. I'm still going to tell someone that they shouldn't do something that we think of as wrong in storytelling just because someone might be able to get past all of the bad examples and make it good. I think it almost goes without saying that stylistic decisions trump everything else, but I think that even those should be carefully examined. I'm not as strict as the "every word must tell" folks, but I would say that every part should have a purpose in the story, and the purpose and execution should be looked at for each part to decide if it should be there.
Perhaps instead of "clever" I should have said something relating to style, but again, I think that stylistic decisions being an exception to almost any rule is a given.
528544
I think that here the stylistic choice is quite clear, even if the writer didn't entirely pull it off, and the "don't do this ever" is misplaced because of this. Writing advice is all well and good, but I think more focus needs to be put on the exceptions if you're going to put that much emphasis on the rule.
527107
Dude, I know exactly what you're saying. Overweight Sweetie Belle tends to have that effect on people.
528565
Just about every rule of writing is like that though; there's no special emphasis. "Don't do this unless..." is the formula that most of all of this goes by. Just because I missed the one that applies to just about everything, the one that is so rarely mentioned because of that very reason, doesn't mean that special emphasis needs to be made or that you needed to step in. It's really a minor point, one that people will get regardless of whether or not you point it out.
531198
At least one person commented in such a way that implied otherwise. It's *not* an obvious point to a new writer who is still trying to get the hard rules of writing down, so it very much does need to be said. Don't forget you're dealing with fanfiction here.
532732
Well, no, they made a general comment about advice. As much as I respect the wish to be careful when giving writing advice, I think you're jumping at shadows here.
526834
You thought this was bad, just wait untill you see the clopfic that I'm writing.
Ok, I'm not going to lie. This one kinda sucked.
Not that you aren't a great writer and all, and I admire that you don't make a bunch of ridiculous grammar mistakes, but this story lacked something.
Like, why the hell would Scootaloo like her cause she's fat?
And what's with the sudden weight gain? It had been, like, freakin' not even a month, right? How could someone get so gargantuan in that period of time. I mean, maybe she wasn't as fat as I think she was, but it sure sounded like she was pretty damned fat. 
There's nothing wrong with being fat. But, it seemed so strange the way this happened.
Or, was that the funny part? Is this supposed to be funny? I guess it's kinda funny...
I'd like to see more stories like this one.
Good story dude! i like it
At first I was like
"what the..?"
and then I was like
"I'm okay with this"
1092293 I think I get it now. I'm not one for strange fetishes, but I think I can accept this one. After all, what's our motto?
Endure for Your ComradesLove and Tolerance! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Scootaloo_lolface.pngAlso, I don't know if it'll say this, but my new name is Wayward Mind, just sayin'. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Fluttershy.png
Aaaaand now I remember why I don't read through the comments sections of fics that have anything questionable/ out of the ordinary.
I enjoyed it, it was a cute shipfic. Managed to forget about the human tag so ended up trying to work out how swimsuits worked on ponies, until I saw "hands/fingers"
Cool story to read on a cold rainy day (apparently it's spring over here in England. Yeah. Right.)
Next fic I shall read is Secret Rites
pfffftttttHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'M LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD JUST OH MY GOD WHY SO MANY DISLIKES THIS IS HILARIOUS HAHAHAHAHA
O my glob fat Sweetie Bell, SOOOO HAWT btw im a girl