The Finale
The last chapter of this messed up story. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have when writing this stupid shit.
Und los gehts!
It was a normal day in Canterlot. Everypony minded his own business as Doughnut Joe walked out from his store to get some fresh air.
"Ah, is life not wonderful in Canterlot?" he said to himself and sighed.
Suddenly, two bipedal creatures were running past him and one of them shouted "Run!"
Doughnut Joe did not know what happened, but then it was not necessary anymore to waste a thought about it as he was hit by a beam of light, floated up in the air and his skin turned black before he got disintegrated into white sparkles.
And so this happened everytime while Chris and Tobias got chased down by a enraged alicorn.
"Shitshitshit!" Tobias shouted as a beam whizzed past him.
"Come, my sugarbears and enter the throes of true passion!" Celestia yelled... and fired another deadly beam at the humans. The logic.
And so the two humans were running for their scared lifes, avoiding beams of pure sun energy as best as they could.
"Don't slow down! We can do this!" Chris huffed under his breath, but it was a matter of time until his stamina will leave him.
"Get down!" Tobias yelled and they both jumped behind a cart, which then exploded in tiny little pieces as it got hit by one of Celestia's rays. And this left the humans open without any cover.
Celestia quickly quickscoped with her horn, Tobias was hit and he disappeared along with her in a blinding light...
Tobias felt his body stretched go all directions, then compressed. And suddenly he fell on buttfirst on the ground. Instantly, he shoot up. He was in a dirty alleyway somewhere in Canterlot. Before he could take a step to the exit, he was shoved against the wall forcefully. He reached instantly for his nightstick...
"Oh Tobias... you have already brought your own..."
Celestia appeared in front of his face with a smile that brought a shiver down his spine.
"What do you mean that I have already brought my own?" he asked, trying to sound cool while thinking a way out of this situation.
Celestia brought out a ten foot... thing out of nowhere. She grinned widely. "This is mine... But today I am willing to share it with you."
"This is a fucking rip off!"
"Oh really?" she looked challenging at him as she pushed a secret button on that thing. And suddenly razorsharp spikes were coming out of the thing.
"This is not called 'Anal Destructor' for no reason." she cooed to him.
He had enough. He brought his nightstick down to her head, but she wielded it off with the thing.
"Wow, that was fast... but I mastered the art of defense..."
"WE HAVE THEE VILLAIN!" with all sudden, a mare clad in a batsuit came down crashing on Celestia, knocking her out and releasing Tobias from the magical grasp.
"Also a rip off..." Tobias muttered as he stood up, but then watched in awe as the batmare continued to beat and stomp down on Celestia and shouted "We gonna buck thy cellulite out of thee!""
At the same time, Chris came running into the alleyway, rifle drawn out and ready for anything. "I just followed the high pitched hum you emit and... oh..."
He stopped in his tracks as he saw that Celestia was already taken care of... temporarily. Tobias turned to him and shrugged careless, while batmare was still beating the flank out of Celestia
"Okay, let's run before she wakes up..."
"What in tartarus is happening here?" Princess Luna said as she flapped down to the ground. The humans were looking in confuseness at the batmare and then at Princess Luna. Instead of questioning the situation or answering the night princess's question, Chris opened a pocket to take out a bar of chocolate. He held it in front of Luna. Her hard princess mask fell off and she began wagging her ethereal tail like a happy dog. Chris then moved his hand from side to side and Luna followed it with her eyes. Then Chris threw the object away into the far end of the alleyway and Luna jipped happily as she jumped after it.
"Crazy princess..." Chris muttered, then he looked at his hand. He found a metallic ring dangling around his index finger...
"What the... ooops."
*BOOM!*
Chris had unpurposely grabbed a fraggrenade from his pocket and lured Luna into unconsciousness. Her asbestos skin held the explosion off but she was knocked out cold.
"Hiqqup... you are stupid as fuck." Tobias said after the ringing in his ears has stopped.
Chris was about to respond when suddenly he felt something vibrating in his pockets. It was his earpiece and he put it in his ear but made himself entirely sure he was not putting something else in it.
"Hello?"
"Hello Hiqqup."
"Bain?! What the fuck are you doing here?" Chris asked flabbergasted. Bain's voice coming from his earpiece was the last thing he expected.
"That's not important. What's important that I know about the crazy Celestia and I want to help you get back to Earth."
"Well, thanks!"
"Thank me later when you're back. But I'm picking up signals of a nearby Cloaker."
Chris looked at Tobias quickly who was peeking around the corner to check for possibly other alicorns.
"I know, but he wants to help me, too. He's in the same situation like me."
"Ex-lover, huh? Give him the line."
Chris gave Tobias his encrusted earpiece...
"Hello?"
"Listen Tobias, you are as screwed as Hiqqup. And you want to help him, too. But without outside help, even you return into Celestia's hooves much faster than somebody calling you 'Bloody Cloaker'. I know Zamairiac's stories just well."
"Who's that?" Tobias raised an eyebrow and smiled. "Someone who needs get the shit beaten out?"
"Propably yes, but not now. But I think we can help each other out. I help you as well to don't get in Celestia's hooves, and you ensure Hiqqup's freedom."
"You know that could me put in a lot of troubles..."
"I don't care. Do you want my help, then take the deal."
Tobias huffed and thought about it. If he didn't take the offer, then Celestia would get him and make him to her private sex slave... again.
"I agree..."
"Wise choice, my friend. I will make sure your boss won't hear anything about that."
"You can do that?!"
"Yes. No problem for me!"
"And how do you know about my name?"
"I have eyes and ears everywhere, Pinkie's sixth sense is a toy in comparison with my ways and options."
Tobias gave the earpiece back to it's owner. "He is for sure something."
"Yes, Bain is like the father I never had." Chris said as he put his earpiece back where it belongs. Tobias was about to respond as his radio messed up and for a short moment, he could hear other strange voices...
"Are you alright Lieutenant?"
"Tia just leave me alone. I said we are THROUGH AND I BUCKING MEANT IT!"
"There is no mercy in our lovemaking!"
"And she was singing Never gonna give you up!"
"You can never run away from a alicorn. They will always find you."
"Twinkle, twinkle little star..."
"A... nobody's at home. The bomb is at B."
"Nachdem es bei mir ein paar Vocalchore gibt, spricht Vocal nur noch in Umlauten, wie'n Neugeborenes."
"She used her legs to push me into her..."
Tobias, despite being a Cloaker, winced slightly at the last words...
"Sorry, had to calibrate this thing here... can you hear me, Tobias? I've hacked myself into your radio." Bain's voice came from Tobias headset.
"Loud and clear..."
"This link stays open for the duration of your flight. When you are through the mirror, it will break. And now, just move your butts to the trainstation. The princesses won't bother you for a while now."
"Okay, but one question though. Who's that batmare?" Chris asked as they made their way to the trainstation.
"I really don't know, maybe just some random destiny happening, but it doesn't matter."
Soon they arrived at the trainstation and Chris headed directly to a conductor pony. "Two one-way tickets to the Crystal Empire, Kingdom whatever part of Equestria. But hurry."
The pony looked shocked and bowed before him. "As a prince, it costs you nothing. Enjoy your ride."
Chris looked confused and scratched his head. "Who said that? Who said I'm a prince?"
The pony took out a magazine from his saddlebag. It was the newest Playcolt and the first page showed a picture of him making out with Princess Celestia, of course uncensored. "Your highness. When you get laid by royalty, it makes you to the lover of the princess and thus to a prince! She also announced it today!"
Chris went red, grabbed the magazine, teared it apart and threw it on the ground. Then he unlocked his Compact-5 and shredded the remnants of the magazine to little pieces. After that he stomped and smeared the pieces into the ground with his feets.
"What the fuck are you?! Deutsche Bahn? Shut up and take my money!" with that, he threw a little bag of money right into the ponies face, causing a seizure to him.
But the two humans didn't mind the on the ground quivering and slobbering pony as they just stepped into the train and after a while, it started its journey.
"That action you took with the magazine... you could join the Cloakers as well." Tobias said impressed. Chris glared at him shortly but remained silent.
"Good news and bad news guys. The princesses lost your scent and that will clearly buy you some time. The bad news is they might be later sensing your decreasing forces after a while. Since the first second you got here, your bodies sucked up a bit of the magic. And alicorns can sense it when their mates are getting away from them. For now, relax and enjoy the landscape."
Bain was right. The landscape of Equestria was truly beautiful, as long no alicorn chases down a human and tries to rape him...
After a few hours, they arrived in the Crystal Kingdom/Empire/Deutschland. They did not ride with the fancy Friendship Express, they rode with a modern InterCity Express.
Everything was sparkly in their vision, but the thing what was the most sparkliest were Chris eyes. If his crew would still live, they could rob so much shit. But he and Tobias have a mission to do...
"We are there..." Chris said. He and Tobias heard their radios clicking before Bain began to speak...
"I've got an insider who hid a few packs of C4 in the throne seat. Just walk straight in the palace and you will find the throne hall in no time. But hurry up, the princesses felt the disturbance in your forces and they are tracking it down as we speak.. god they are fast! They know where you are, but their alicorn instinct can't pinpoint your exact location."
They need to escape fron this horrid, magic-infested place for whatever cost. Even if it means to blow some shit up. Chris looked back into the distance... squinting his eyes like a chinese, he could see two... no... THREE little dots in the sky. And they were glowing like stars during the day.
They quickly went to the palace. It was no match to find it, it was pretty iconic. Like suggested, they walked straight into the palace. Normally, if Chris would walk into a bank equipped with body armor and weapons, it would get suspicious. But the ponies were looking at them with little to no interest and passed by.
The door to the throne hall was quickly found. A sign was placed in front of it "Please don't disturb!"
"Ladies first?" Tobias smirked.
"After you, bastard."
Chris and Tobias kicked both the door to the throne hall open. For whatever reason, this triggered the alarm.
"There' s a royal assault coming your way in sixty seconds. Brace yourselves and take some hostages."
Alex and Cadance have already forgiven each other and were making out on the throne as the other two human came in the area.
"What the hay are you doing here?!" Alex shouted angrily, "Nopony was supposed to get in here!"
"'What the hay'? Are you serious?" Tobias deadpanned. If someone spends too much time in Equestria, he will using ponyterms as well.
"Yes, now get the buck out!" Alex rose up and unsheated his swords. He then looked to Cadance "Don't worry, my love. I will take care of him..."
*wululululuULULULULUULULULULULU!!!*
Without any warning, Tobias kicked Alex from the throne. The kicked man landed on the ground painfully. And for putting salt into the injury, Tobias drew out his nightstick and proceeded with his usual work as he taunted "Listen here, I've got this drum solo I've been working on!"
At that moment, a drunken Shining Armor came into the hall, for a futile attempt to win Cadance's pu... eh heart. And now he spotted Alex get being trashed by another human on the ground. He saw his chance, drew out his own sword and yelled to Cadance "Don't worry, min lady. I will slaughter the intruder!"... or something like that.
Anyways, Tobias "The Cloaker" Greenfield noticed him and dropped a smokebomb, to obscure his actions. Shining Armor could not see shit, but then he noticed the glowing green pair of lights... and it was already too late...
*kick!*
"What's left if you beat the shit out of a piece of shit?!"
Said piece of shit was Twilight's brother and he was crying for mercy as Tobias kicked, stomped and baton-ed him hardly.
"Who is this guy? Ex-military?" Chris thought as he witnessed the unnecessary violence performed by Tobias, but he remembered this is the normal procdure for a Cloaker.
"Twenty seconds left!" Bain warned. Chris acknowledged and cuffed Alex and Shining Armor (after his shit was beaten out) down. They both whimpered in pain and also suffered some sort of trauma, especially Alex.
"Ten seconds, get ready!"
Chris knew that maybe they would not manage this, so he held a hand over to Tobias "Hey, if we fail... it was nice to meet you."
Tobias shook his hand. "Likewise."
"Don't get molested. Here they come!"
With all sudden, Royal Guards came crushing through the windows, but were easily gunned down by the two humans, so writing this phrase was as necessary like a secondary butthole.
"Watch out, alicorns are participating to the party!"
Then Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and even Twilight Sparkle (she survived being sucked into the jet engine) were flying through the windows. All of them had insane expressions which could make Mane-iac or even Jeff The Killer jealous.
"Come to us... so we can crush you with our flanks!"
"It's a motherfucking element!" Chris shouted as he pointed at Twilight.
"What are we going to do now?!" Tobias said aloud as the alicorns were advancing on them.
"You can try to hush'em away by shooting them. Don't worry, their asbestos skin will hold the bullets off. And watch out for their horns. If it glows softly, then they use simple telekinesis. But if it's tip or the whole horn starts to glow in a bright light, then they are preparing for a release of energy or teleportation."
"Okay. Hiqqup, go for the C4. I'll keep the princesses busy." Tobias said. Chris nodded and went to the throne. He shoved the still shocked Cadance from the seat and sliced the cushion open with a knife.
"Hey princesses! Free penis to fuck!" Tobias shouted to the princesses. Celestia gave a animalistic growl and shoot a beam at him. But he just sideflipped easily and dropped another smokebomb, hiding there.
"I... I can't hold on the pressure much longer! I want him NOW!" Twilight yelled and jumped into the smoke. But then there was a short hollering sound and then the other princesses could hear Tobias yelling "It'd be better if you put up a better fight next time!"
"I've got the C4!" Chris said and turned to the princesses. Meanwhile, Celestia was advancing the cloud of smoke while Luna get started to pounce at him. "Now prepare your anus for an alicorn's lust!"
Chris took aim at Luna's head.He then activated the laser sight on his rifle, to make sure the shot will hit its mark...
Then he ejected the magazine from the weapon and threw it at Luna's head. The blue mare laughed in pain and backed away.
"Great, now move your soon-to-be screwed asses to the west wing of the palace. There should be a big door with a sign 'Do not enter!'. Place a bag at each hinch and then blow the door into next year."
"Understood!" Chris said and snickered as he heard Celestia's scream of dismay as the smoke cleared and Tobias not there. Instead she found Twilight whimpering on the floor, horseapples scattered around her.
"Now come!" Tobias said as he was next to Chris. He jumped in shock but shrugged it off. They ran to a nearby door, opened it and ran like hell through the hallways. Celestia and Luna were close behind them "YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM A ALICORN!!!"
"But at least, we can try!" Tobias shouted back.
Soon they found the right door. They whirled around and threw their magazines at the alicorns. Again, they backed off but this time it looked like they could handle the pain.
"How we can finish them off?!" Tobias yelled in nervousness. He did not dare to jump in front of them to kick them due of their animal-like state. It would end naughty for him.
"According to a scientist brony, you will need fifty cal ammunition to pierce through the asbestos. If you wait a few minutes, then I can arrange a drop with two fully loaded Barretts M82A1."
"In no way we are going to kill them! That will cause a shitstorm!" Chris said as he attached the C4 on the door.
"Okay, just saying!"
After a few more moments, the last C4 was placed.
"So let's blow that door up and escape from this place like sons of bitches." Chris said aloud as he pushed the button of a remote.
*BOOM!*
The C4 blew the door up and sent sharp pieces of crystal flying everywhere. Most of them hit the two remaining alicorns and ruined their mane. They shrieked in horror, in no way they could have their way with the humans when their mane is such in a terrifying condition! So they galloped into the mare's toilets. "Just wait, babykins! We will be right back! And then the lovemaking can be started!"
"Phew that was easy!" Chris said.
"Sorry for disappointing you, but you don't have much time! In opposite to a woman, an alicorn just needs a few minutes to get the mane ready for whatever purpose!"
"Then what are we waiting for?" Tobias ran into the room and to the mirror. Chris followed him.
At the frame of the mirror were ancient words, written in a gothic style. And they were reading following:
'mirror 2 ur mom's house - Cosmoz wuz here!'
"Well, it was fun..." Chris said to Tobias, who nodded in response, and they both jumped at the mirror.
They bumped at the same time at it's surface and slided down cartoonish to the ground.
"Guys, what happened?"
"The mirror is sealed! We can't go through!" Chris said panicked.
"Aha, just wait a few seconds... according to mlpwikia, it opens only scheduled. But I know from an insider that it will also open if a alicorn's blood makes contact with the surface of the mirror."
"Shit."
"No shit, there is still an alicorn left. Her name's Gaia. See if you can find her. And hurry up! The princesses are almost finished with their mane."
"... we don't have another choice. Let's go find her." Tobias said after he reloaded his smg and turned to the door.
"Who the buck is in there..." Gaia said as she came into the room. She was awoken by the sound of rapidly burnt material. But then she stopped in the middle of her tracks as she spotted the humans.
Chris and Tobias looked at each other... then they nodded and Chris made his way to the creator of ponykind, first goddess and allmighty alicorn...
Gaia's eyes were glistening in anticipation at the sight of the upcoming human, but then her thoughts were shattered to tiny little pieces as Chris swatted her down with his rifle. "Down on the ground! And don't get up!"
Before she could respond, her wings and hooves were cuffed. She struggled against them, but to no avail.
"Wow, you just took the creator of this world as a hostage. Now you've got the cards! Get a drop of her blood at the mirror!" Bain said.
"I know the fastest way..." Chris said in a dark voice and brought out his knife. With that, he punctured the fetlock of the pony...
*SPLAT!*
Like Chris expected, a shower of blood came out of Gaia's fetlock and drenched the whole room in a messy red. Gaia shrieked in pain, but no one cared. LOL. Middlefinger.
The mirror got also hit and it activated instantly. At the same time, Celestia and Luna came into the room. They ignored the crimson which dropped from everything and directly headed to the two humans. "Now come to us and deflower our flowers!"
"MOVE MOVE! Or you can't leave Equestria forever. My human counterpart will be informed about your situation."
Without wasting any second, they jumped at the mirror and actually came through. They could hear Celestia and Luna screaming in anger and dismay.
Then they were in a spinning colorful vortex. Colors blinded their vision, noises were going loud and a singing sirenpony was sitting in a DeLorean with Flux-Compensator, driving through a checkpoint in Colin McRae Rally 04 while Nicki Grist was telling her the pacenotes.
Then they both lost consciousness...
...
"Is everything alright?" a woman said. Chris was leaning against a statue in the middle of a schoolyard, with a empty winebottle between his feets. Someone must have placed the bottle there to make it look like he was homeless. He shook his head and stood up and looked around. The sun was shining brightly, birds were chirping and in the distance the sounds of alerts could be heard. Aside from the woman, he was alone. Tobias might have returned to the HQ.
"I'm fine, but thanks, Miss..." he said to the woman.
"Miss Celestia."
His eyes were shrinking in shock as he heard that name. Now he knew what Bain was talking about with human counterparts...
"No! Get the fuck away from me! I have enough from your shit! I swear I will fucking kill you if you dare to touch me! No, twice!" Chris said and backed away from the woman. Then he turned tail and ran away...
Celestia's head dropped and a tear fell from her eyes. "Why are all handsome guys I meet either gay or not interested in me..."
"Hiqqup? Are you okay?" Bain's good old voice came through Chris's earpiece.
"Yeah, without your help, I could not escape Equestria..."
There were a few moments of silence in the line, until Bain groaned loudly.
"... did you daydream again? And why are you not at the bank anymore? And where the heck are Sunny, Timer and Rose?!"
"Öööh..."
"Wait a minute, I got a call..."
Chris waited patiently. He could hear Bain saying "Huh, okay.", "What? Really?" and "Ah, I understood."
"Okay, everything's clear now. God rests their souls in peace... it may sounds weird, but not more than a minute passed by here on earth. And now prepare for getting put into custody."
Chris did not get the chance to react as police cars piled up around him in a flash and all policemen shouted at once "DROP YOUR WEAPON AND PUT YOUR HANDS UP!"
"I see that coming. Don't worry, just surrender and wait. Someone must give his word..."
"Okay guys, you got me." Chris said as he get on his knees and dropped his weapons. He was then shoved on his tummy and his wrists were cuffed.
"You will spend a long time in jail, asshole!" a woman shouted.
Chris was surprised that a woman got accepted into the SAS, but nonetheless he said "Come on, girl, let me go! I got to kill people, girl!"
The woman got angrier and shouted louder "You think we let you go after what you've done? To shoot me and my friends?!"
Chris looked at her while making a dogface... which looked like a dog begging for death.
"NO! You think I'm stupid or what?!"
Chris hung his head...
Suddenly, someone shouted "Let him go, Sophie! His time is over!"
The woman turned around, only to see a Cloaker. "What?"
Another SAS member jumped in and opened Chris's cuffs. "A Cloaker's command has highest priority! I let him go!"
"Hell yeah!" Chris shouted, grabbed his weapons and ran away. A van came nearby and he jumped in. Then the van drove to an unknown destination.
"What the fuck, dude?! We let him go? Just like that?!"
Tobias nodded in response.
"This job fucking sucks... I think I will go to the Spetsnatz or GSG-9..." the woman sighed.
Inside the van, Chris got introduced to the new members of his gang.
"Well, Hiqqup. You survived this shit. And now say hello to your new crewmembers Dallas, Wolf, Hoxton and Chains."
"Hello, guys."
"Hi Hiqqup." the four men said in unison.
"I think we will have a lot of fun in making money." Chris said and smiled darkly.
And if he is still not got busted, he is still robbing shit today.
The End
A Romantic Story
Written by
Justding
Based upon the works of
Zamairiac
Inspired by
Scary Movie 1-4
Payday: The Heist and Payday 2
MLP - FML by Maniac92
To Run From The Sun by... someone. I forgot his name, sorry.
Absolute Power by Zamairiac
Come Back To Me by Zamairiac
'Come Back To Me' Spin-off Get Away From Me blogposted by Zamairiac
Special thanks to
Zamairiac, my computer, my smartphone, Google Drive, knighty, the community of fimfiction.net, my sister, my dog, all brave Cloakers who are daily killed on the payday 2 servers, applecake (not the pony, the cake for real)
But wait!!!1!
What is that?!
The secret of Zamairiac's stories has been revealed!
Let us take a closer look of his name!
Z A M A I R I A C.
His name has got three 'A's.
The MLP show has got three alicorns before the third season.
What else has number three?
Right, a 'A' from Zamairiac's name.
An 'A' has three sides.
Now lets calculate the shit out of your brain!
3 (Season) x 3 (A's) x 3 (Alicorns) equals 27.
An triangle has three sides.
27 divided by 420 equals 3.
And now we got the evidence!
HALF-LIFE 3 CUNTFIRMT!!1!!!!
(If someone takes the whole thing serious, he/she may go buy himself a brain. But everyone has to do that after reading this story anyway.)
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What, what? Another come back to me spinoff?
And I lol'd so hard.
i need more stories like this... I'll be in the library waiting.
You f***ed my brain up xD keep up the good work!
Bro…
👍🧀
This is the Best shits i've ever seen and i'm being honest
Like seriously this so good that makes You want a sequel But because it is THAAT good it wouldnt be good to the fic to have a sequel , My respects bruh.