The Whatever
Chris walked backwards, never letting his eyes away from the advancing alicorn, until his back bumped at the wall.
"Oh Chris, do you know how long I have waited for you?"
"You have waited 63072000000 seconds for me, I know..." Chris stuttered after he drew back his calculator.
"And it was 63071999999 seconds too long... I want to bond our souls NOW!" she cooed like a pigeon.
"Do you know why the mark on your forehead does look like my cutie-mark?" she said lovingly.
"That stupid mark?" he said, pulling his hair to the side which covered his forehead.
"Yes, exactly... WHAT?!" she yelled as she spotted the mark... which did not looked like her cutie-mark.
"Yep, I was bullied in school for that, so I overdrew it to a tribal tattoo." he said.
The sun was blackwhite, with razorsharp edges and a evil looking face in the center. Lines were coming out from the rays and ended in a sharp spike. In fact, it looked like a vortex of hell rather than of a lovingly warm sun.
After she closed her jaw, she began to smile again "However, it won't stop me from bonding with you..."
She then grabbed his head with both her forehooves and tried to bring her horn down into Chris skull... which resulted in a new earhole as Chris moved his head to the side, trying to dodge Celestia's missile.
"AAAAAH, MY EAR! YOU JUST PIERCED MY EAR!" Chris shouted in pain, holding his bleeding earlob.
"Oh god, I'm so sorry..." Celestia whined, but then she said "Well, we can even this out..."
Then she pierced Chris other earlob. He could not himself but scream like never before, making the windows shaking.
"Oh, Chris, you look like two thousand years ago..." Celestia whispered huskily and let loose of him, to take the sight of him in. Yep, he definetily looked like two thousand years ago, with his hands covering his bleeding ears.
While Chris covered his ears, he thought of a plan to escape from this awkward situation.
"LOOK, NIGHTMARE MOON ESCAPED FROM HER BANISHMENT!" he shouted, pointing at something invisible located at the ceiling. He did not know where this name come from but that did not matter as Celestia turned her head in fear.
"WHERE IS SHE?!"
Chris used this opportunity to dash past Celestia and run to the door. But before he could reach it, a golden aura enveloped the lock. Then a click was heard as the door was being locked. He was now trapped in the room with the crazy alicorn.
"Ha! Do you think I would fall for this old trick and you could escape me? I must remind you, nobody can ran away from a alicorn." Celestia cooed as she turned to him.
Chris eyes widened in fear. Celestia smiled even more at this.
"Oh, don't be afraid. I'm sure you can remember our time being together as one..."
"What? We were together?"
"Yesss." she hissed. "And we made such tremendous love..."
Chris turned green for a second and swallowed his stomach contents. Okay, screwing a princess is awesome, but when she is a horse, then... the logic part of a human brain intruders the bestiality alert "NO, ITS WRONG! YACKITY-SMACKITY!", but the primal part says "FUCK HER LIKE THE BITCH SHE IS!" and the logic part retorts "SHE IS A HORSE! INTERCOURSE WITH NON-HUMANS IS PROHIBITED BY LAW!" and then the subconscious says "BUT IN A FORMER LIFE, YOU SCREWED HER!" and then the primal instinct says "YOU HEARD IT! LETS HAVE A FUN NIGHT!"...
... it's just a endless fight between logic facts and primal instinct. But in the end, every story ends up in having sex with a space pony, just for the lulz.
Yes, I mean YOU! Take your hand out from your pants!
But then a new plan formed in his mind...
"Is there any proof of our former relationship? If yes, I'll give you a try."
"NO! YOU FRIGGING FUCKING ASSHOLE BITCH MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING WANKING HORSEFUCKER!" the logic part said.
"LA CHICKA MARITA! WOOOHOOOO!" the primal instincts cheered.
Celestia's eyes were glistening in glee. She knew where to start...
"Follow me, I will show you our promise we made together..." she said with bedroom eyes...
Later:
"This is the tree where we made our promise." she said as she pointed at a large and old tree in the royal garden.
"What for a promise?" Chris asked, slightly filled with fear.
"Well, look for yourself..." Celestia cooed and looked back at the giant plant.
"Please, let a wonder happen... please." he silently prayed to himself.
And his pleas was heard...
Chris made his way to the tree, as suddenly a blocky human with a aquamarine shirt and blue jeans jumped over the wall of the garden, went to the tree and began cutting it down with a diamond axe.
Not a moment after, the tree fell apart into little blocks and the human began picking them up, before he ran away.
"Well, that proplem got solved." Chris said casually as he crossed his arms, "More sunny places for me."
"NO! I WANT TO BE PLEASED! DO THE KOITUS!" the primal instincts screamed.
"YES! LOGIC WINS!" the logic yelled in joy.
But Celestia looked at the place where the tree was for a minute, before she fell to the ground, screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" as she started to hyperventilate.
Princess Luna came by and saw her sister wailing on the ground. "What is she doing?"
Chris tilted his head to the side. "Looks like a withdrawal of endorphines.", then he shook his head and walked away "Just wait, she'll be okay... propably... I wanted to give her a new chance with our relationship, but now without any proof of our former relationship, it wouldn't happen."
Princess Celestia heard this and weeped more, she threw herself on her back and shook her hooves wildly in the air like a turtle which has been turned upside down.
Suddenly his phone rang and he wondered at first how he could get a signal in this primitive world, but then he decided not to question this fact. He picked up his iphone, which was bent, but it was still working anyway.
"Hello?" he said.
"Bodhi's Pool Repair?" said the voice.
"Stop that joke, it's not funny anymore. Who's there?"
"Oh thank god, you're alive! It's me, Rose. Me and Timer woke up and saw Sunny lying dead on the ground and we thought that crazy pony thing got you. Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm okay. Where are you?"
"We have just recently escaped from the castle and heading down to a Hotel... it's called Noble House Hotel or so..."
"We'll meet down there. See you soon." Chris canceled the call and looked at the still wailing Celestia. Shrugging, he walked off...
Princess Luna looked at Chris who climbed over the wall. Then she turned to her crysis (crying sister). "You did it wrong. Why didn't you make out with him instantly?"
"I... I don't know... I wanted to fool him he's safe around me, but it turned south as I wanted to open our bond..." she said after she calmed down from her sobbing.
But then her mind clicked and a chuckle escaped from her mouth "I have an idea..."
Later:
The trio entered the hotel casually. As they stepped through the entrance, all stares were directed at them, but mostly from the mares... before they hurried to the toilets, to relieve themselves from the excitement at seeing such sexy humans.
The humans did not mind as they went to the receptionist, who was a stallion.
"We want to order a room each for us. With toilet and bath and..." Lee began to speak, but the stallion held up a hoof, stopping him. Then the stallion brought out a letter...
To all companies of Equestria,
do NOT let the three humans work in any job and/or staying in a hotel. They must know their place in this world.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia.
"I'm sorry, but I have my orders." the stallion said smugfully.
The trio were exchanging confused looks, until Lee moved forward and put his elbows on the desk.
"I ask you again. One room for each of us."
"No." the stallion shook his head.
Lee brought out a little bag of bits with his left hand, shaking it. "Money?"
"Haha. No." the stallion snickered.
Lee brought out his KSP machine gun with his right hand, eliciting a lound clicking sound from the weapon. "Lead?"
The smile left the pony's face as he pointed at the bag. "I... I reconsidered... I wanna the money..."
"Too late." Lee said as he put the bag away. "Where are the keys?"
The pony gave them quickly the keys.
Before they went to their rooms, Lee turned again to the pony. "If you say anything to anypony, I will personally hunt you down and rip your balls off. Then I will kill your entire family and your grandma's niece friend's sister mother former roommate."
"No, please not her!" the stallion all but cried.
The trio called it a day as they entered their chambers and drifted off to sleep in their beds...
But Chris get a visit from his former personality in his dream...
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There is something seriously wrong with you. Whatever it is, keep doing it.
YOU DISGUST ME!
Go on...
Whatever is that is wrong with the story, don't stop. I beg of you. Just don't.
This is getting even more random than I expected. AND I LOVE IT.
man… this is one of the Best shits i have ever
smoked