After a long time, Princess Celestia is reunited with her human, but it turns backwards...
WARNING! THIS STORY MIGHT BE NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA!
Two thousand years ago, Princess Celestia suffered by the loss of her human. It left her heartbroken and mind-unstable. Two thousand years later after that fateful incident, she meet him again... but the happenings which are following directly after are slightly unexpected... okay, very unexpected.
To be honest, very discomforting.
A parody/crackfic based on the works of Zamairiac. He gave me permission to use his characters and the idea of a crazy Celestia. I DON'T want to put his stories down. Rated Teen for strong language, sexual innuendos, bad pubertal jokes, mindless randomness, 'Scary Movie'-based comedy and ooc ponies. Coverimage taken from this video.
They sat together against a tree, her head in his lap. He could feel her breathing into between his legs. He scratched her left ear and she sighed dreamily at his caring touch. She then looked up at him with her beautiful eyes and leaned forward.
He was young.
The celestial alicorn princess and the only human recorded in existence were in love.
He kissed his princess, with tongue and all...
"Chris..." breathed the blistering alicorn, "Make love to me."
"Of course, my little princess..." the human whispered, as he took off his T-shirt and undid his belt...
"Hiqqup!" somebody said in a deep voice. He opened his eyes in wonder and looked at the figure of his love which was replaced by a bulky man, wearing a clown mask. His dreamscape then popped like a soap bubble...
"Your cheeks are flushed and your nose is bleeding. Are you daydreaming again?" the man asked. Chris "Hiqqup" Higgot blinked and looked around. He was back inside the crew's van, with his teammates Dan "Sunny" Summers, Lee "Timer" Timings and Michael "Rose" Lily. They were all dressed with elegant suits, only he wore an bulletproof vest.
"Guys, is everything okay?" came Bain's voice from his headset.
"Yes, but Hiqqup was dreaming about screwing horses again." Dan laughed.
Dan was not somebody he recalled as a friend, but he was a good and cooperative teammate.
"No, I was not!" Chris said defensively, but then he put his hand at his chin "But although..."
"Hiqqup, please stay sharp. We don't want to intruder a alert because you can't stop thinking about fu-"
"I get it, sorry!" Chris said quickly, gripping his Compact-5 submachine gun tightly as his mind went back to the briefing a hour ago.
He and his colleagues were called by Bain to "tidy up" in a bank. The location was a bank outside Manchester, the GO Bank . The best way was to sneak at the side of the bank, trigger a ECM jammer chainreaction and then rush into the building from all sides. He have to do the exercise by sneaking into a nearby abandoned store to enter the bank from behind and place the first ECM jammer.
A ECM jammer sends a powerful signal, disabling unlucky civilians and electrical devices, for example phones, pagers and cardiac pacemakers.
After some moments, the van came to a halt. They stepped out and Dan put his clown mask on "Let's do it."
"Guys, don't forget the thermal drill!"
"I'll take it!" Michael said as he grabbed the bag with the pieces for said gadget.
Chris stepped out from the van and walked casually on the streets to the store. As he was inside, he wore on his own mask. Each mask was unique and his mask was shaped like a pony's head with a horn protruding from it's forehad, but with a crazy-wided smile.
He was well-build, with no signs of malnourishment and twentythree years old. His life, particularly his childhood, went straight down. Found in the drum of a washing machine which stood in the Westminster Abbey in London, raised in a orphanage, he went to school and then later to college. Despite mastering the college with "1+" in all subjects, he still had no ideas for his future, so he went into the world's largest crime organization. And sometimes during the day and often in the nights, he dreamed of her...
He did not know who or what she was, but all he knew he belonged to her...
"No Chris, stay focused!" he shook his head.
He walked through the backdoor of the store and went to the backside of the bank. There, he put the first ECM jammer onto the wall...
In a another world, with different laws of nature...
"You can't catch me!"
Princess Celestia was young, as her human lover chased her at the beach near Las Pegasus. Of course, a alicorn was much stronger and faster than the average pony, thanks to the training schedule all alicorns have to go through, but she slowed down, to give her lover a chance.
And he took the chance.
Her lover grabbed her by her long flowing tail, she fell and received a full mouthload of Las Pegasus finest sand. Then he jumped on her back, making some bones popping painfully. But she did not care.
Because she was in love.
Instead, she flipped them over, so she was onto his body. She dived down with her sandfilled mouth to kiss her lover. But with each centimetre she went down with her head, her lover was more and more pushed into the sand... until the sand has swallowed him, she kissed the ground and Celestia was left alone on the beach...
It was a nightmare.
"CHRIIIIIIS!!!" she shouted as she digged through the sand.
She shot up from her throne, her breath has increased and she looked around for apparent signs of the human.
Her human.
The recognition of her lovers absence struck her like a punch. For now two thousand years she has not felt the touch of her human on her body... for two thousand years she did not experienced a fun night.
But seriously, who wants a night with a princess whose reproduction organs are untouched for two thousand years?
The door to the throne hall opened and she was regarded by the sight of Luna, along with her human who wore an collar around his neck and the rope was held tightly by Luna's magic.
"Hello, dearest sister, I just want to see how are you doing." she smiled to her elder sister as she pulled the human behind her.
"I'm fine, the sun is shining out of my ass..." she answered groggily. Luna began to laugh. The human began to laugh, too, but a death glare from Luna silenced him as she stopped laughing abruptly. Celestia looked at her sister with a empty look.
"It's funny because it's true." Luna said, mentioning Celestia's cutiemarks.
"I'm sorry, my mistress, but please may I go to the toilet..." the human asked, looking rather stressed.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, SPERM BANK." Luna growled deadly and the human averted his look from the pony in fear and began to cry.
"He's still disobeying you, right?" Celestia sighed, "The human must know his place in royal society."
"I'm going to make him that clear." Luna said, giving a sharp pull at the rope "Shut up!". The human winced in discomfort and stopped crying, but a sob escaped here and there from his mouth.
"I can remember my time with my human... our first kiss, me invading his mind, being responsible for the death of his sister, making out with him without his permission..." Celestia looked dreamily at the ceiling of the hall with a sheepish smile on her face.
"Yes, you drove him crazy." Luna also could remember this time, but not as good as his sister because she was a filly during that time. But she can also remember the times when the human played pranks on her, like swapping the shampoo, and she pranked him harder by chasing him down with a longsword.
"Mhm..." hummed Celestia in approval.
"Well, let's go out." she whistled to her human "Come with me, Steven!"
Luna walked out with her human, then she looked at Celestia "You know, you can ask anytime to borrow my human."
But the elder sister shook her head "I may, but I won't feel the same like with mine..."
"Whatever you say." with that, Luna closed the doors, leaving Celestia alone again.
She sighed loudly as she remembered the time as she and her human had to go seperate ways, thanks to some ponies who want to free him from his misery...
"I love him!" she shouted at her father, tears streaming down her face.
"You stupid little bitch, we gave birth to you, we raised you, we forcefully made you study princess business and now you want to ruin a human's life by asking us to make him immortal?!" her father shouted angrily at her.
The human sat on the couch and having a combat knife in his chest. At that moment, he looked very well and he just needed a doctor to get rid off that knife.
He achieved it as he was running around with it, thinking he was faster when carrying it... unfortunately, he tripped and fell and the knife embedded into his chest.
She stopped crying, looked to the side and said sheepishly "...yes?"
"NOPE!" the father said as he pulled the knife out from the human's chest. The human's eyes went wide, he made a "Uh!" sound and he died instantly.
You know the rules: If you got a knife sticking in your body... never pull it out until the doctor has arrived.
"NOOOOO! I'LL HATE YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY!" she roared as she run upstairs into her room.
"I still hate my parents..." Celestia whispered. Suddenly, a letter appeared in front of her. It was sent by Twilight, so she was excited what her student has written to her. Maybe a new achiement in the friendship of magic? Then she can finally enter alicornhood and suffer from eternal immortality!
She opened the letter and began to read.
Dear Princess Celestia, Ooops, I did it again. I fucked up everything. Somehow I opened portals to a long distant world by trying to open a jar with dark magic. Plz come.
Sincerely, Your student Twilight.
Celestia facehoofed as she read the letter. Somehow her student was doing something weird shit and now she and her sister have to clean up the mess. She rose from her throne and went out...
"HIQQUUUP!!! YOU SHIT! YOU DID IT AGAIN!" shouted Lee as he searched for cover behind tables.
Everything went just as planned. The ECMs were placed, locks were picked and they got into position... but then Chris started to daydream again, missing the chainreaction and this caused to a civilian alarming the police.
"I was gone just for a few seconds!" Chris shouted as he entered the bank through the backdoor, gunning down SASs who entered through the windows and sending helmets, masks and fresh tea flying everywhere.
"FEW SECONDS? A FEW SECONDS?! HELL, YOU WERE AFK FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES!" Lee yelled angrily, looking for ambushing units.
"The police just called for more units, they are preparing a counterstrike!" Bain reported.
"You don't say!" Dan shouted into his earpiece, shooting blindly from his cover.
Chris was reloading his JP36 rifle, as he spotted something in the corner of his vision and a high-pitched ringing was heard.
"A BLOODY CLOAKER!" he yelled as said special unit ran up to him, before he received a boot in the face, which brought him down to the ground.
Then the Cloaker began to baton the shit out of him, stopping occasionally to kick his sides hardly. "Now go to the forums and cry like the little bitch you are!"
"MICHAEL! KILL THAT CLOAKER!" Lee shouted as he reloaded his Bernetti 9.
"I can't! I'm currently feasting on the spleen of a hostage!" the man said, lips covered in blood.
"WE CAN'T HOLD ON MUCH LONGER!" Lee cried over the sound of the heavy gunfire. Then he and Michael, who has just finished eating the spleen amd wiping the blood from his mouth, saw an opportunity and ran outside, but only to be met with the laserbeam of a sniper and then they disappeared, but that was unseen by the two remaining men.
Dan spotted the Cloaker, still trashing the crap out of Chris, and finished him off by a shot in the side. The Cloaker fell and Dan helped Chris on his feets.
"Oh god this hurts... fucking Cloaker."
"This would not have happened if you stay focused! Now we have to blast our way through!" Dan said to the blue and green beaten human, and a nasty bleeding wound was on his left cheek where the Cloaker showed him his booth, despite the fact that Chris was wearing a unicorn mask. Chris was groaning in pain, but he seemed to be well in a while.
The two criminals went through the backdoor, to help each other out. Chris was carrying a bag of ammo and Dan was equipped with a first aid case.
Suddenly, a portal opened under their feets and they were sucked into a spinning colorful vortex. Colors blinded their vision, noises were going loud and a singing Sirenpony hit a phone booth, rendering it out of order.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" was the two humans could only say.
How could happen a fate like this to the four humans...?
"What have you done, Ditzy?" the dispatch asked the new sniper, who was sitting on a building nearby the GO Bank, "You made those criminals disappearing?!"
"I dON't kNOW WHAt jUSt wENt WRonG!" the cross-eyed woman shouted, holding a portal gun in her hands, a laser sight and a sniper scope were attached to it
"You're fired!"
Back in Equestria:
"What in my detested mother's name is going on here?!" Princess Celestia just arrived at the scene in Ponyville.
A large colorful portal hovered about the marketplace and a sharp wind blasted through the environment. Princess Luna was directly behind her sister, but thanks to her bad flying skills, she was taken along with the breeze.
"Hang in there, sister! Just wait... AAAH!" that was all what she could say.
Princess Celestia decided to ignore her sister's screams and landed in front of Twilight and her friends. She gave her student a angry look, like all other ponies. But instead she should be happy because Twilight opened a interstellar portal, not every unicorn can do this!
Twilight looked around in shame. "I blame the magic!" she yelled, before she ran into her library, to make it out with a portrait of Starswirl the Bearded...
The princess shook her head in disappointment and annoyance and waited for her sister to meet her.
Princess Luna crashed on the ground next to her with a cartoonish thud. She quickly get up "I'm here! Let's close that awful portal."
They began to concentrate as their horns began to glow, to end the spell Twilight has casted and to seal the portal one and for all...
...only to two creature fell out of the vortex.
The two humans piled together on the ground.
"Aw, Hiqqup, what the fuck?!"
"I dunno what just happened!"
The last voice... it was so familiar for her. But she could not recognize the human's face, since he got a mask on. To her relief, the man put off his mask... and their eyes met.
A wide smile appeared on Celestia's as she recognized Chris. "Hello Chris. Welcome back in Equestria."
"What? Who are you? And how do you know my name?" Chris stood up. He briefly spotted Dan running away, the ponies scared the shit out of him.
"Well, at first let me introduce myself. I am Princess Celestia, ruler of everything and allmighty goddess." she said proudly. "And a long time ago, we were together."
"...really?"
"Yes."
"I can't remember..." he said quietly, before he felt blood running down his cheek. His wound still has not been cared of.
"Omygosh! You're hurt... let me help you." Princess Celestia said, channeled magic in her horn and then she pointed it at Chris face...
But nothing happened.
"Oh, please give me a minute." she said and turned to the side. Then she channeled again magic in her horn and pointed it at a random pony...
A white beam shot out from her horn and it hit the pony. The pony floated up in the air, his skin turning black before he disintegrated in white sparkles.
"Oh well, my magic is still working!" Princess Celestia said smiling, not kowing what she has done, and she turned back to Chris... who proceeded to run for his life.
"Wait, Chris!" she shouted, then she raised a eyebrow. "...is he running into the forest? Fool!"
Her sister sighed and said "Wait, we'll get him." She flew off with some Royal Guards to the direction of the forest.
The forest Chris was running into is the Everfree Forest. Not very much is known about this mysterious forest, which was once the reign place of the royal sisters, except that many dangerous creatures are lurking in there. If Princess Luna can not manage to find him quickly, then maybe a Manticore. Or a large sea serpent. Or much worse, a pack of timberwolves.
But then, Chris was equipped with a JP36 rifle, a Compact-5, body armor and a bag of ammunition. So he was prepared for bringing some creatures to the brink of extinction.
Princess Celestia sat in her throne, thinking about what just transpired an hour ago. Her human has returned after that long time... finally, she can feel the touch of her human in a while.
But before that could happen, he has to be caught. Thanks to her sister, it was currently under process.
Suddenly, her horn began to vibrate and a jingle was heard. She sighed and tapped the base of her horn, to take the call. Some Royal Guards turned to her in confusion, but she quickly threw them through the windows before they could stare at her any longer. She is such a generous princess, always having new jobs ready for her subjects.
"Hello?"
"Bodhi's Pool Repair... no, it's Luna, who else? We are the only species who can do phone calls with our minds." Said a voice into her mind.
Celestia sighed. "Anything new?"
"I have good news and bad news... what do you want to hear first?"
"The good one, please. I always like good news."
"We found your Chris."
"And the bad one?"
"He left a lot of destruction in his wake... sixteen death manticores, hundreds of death timberwolves and a dead sea serpent..."
"So he killed most of the fauna in the Everfree Forest?" Princess Celestia was stunned.
"Yes...but..."
"That's awesome! Now we can take over the old palace once more!"
"Wait, what... whatever, but now it seemed that he went into the direction of a village..."
"What is the name?"
"Foalsville..."
"There? Okay, I will be there in a few minutes or so." she said as she hung up the psychic call.
Foalsville. This nice little town has been destroyed in a war which occurred two thousand years ago, but after a long time, it was rebuilt and now a moderate-sized town, even a little larger than Ponyville. The town did not run a train station, but it was located near the Everfree Forest and thus it made to a very good trading partner for companies because the town had rare things to sell.
"Welcome stranger! I've got some rare things on sale!"
"I'll take the molotovs."
"Stranger, stranger! Do you want to burn down a house?"
"No, of course not..."
In Foalsville:
"Poor little thing..." Comfort muttered as she looked at the sorry form of the creature she found near the forest. She then left the guest as she heard somepony knocking at the entrance of her house and she trotted downstairs. She opened, revealing her husband Hard Labour.
"Hey, Honey! I'm back!" he kissed his wife on the cheek and Comfort returned the kiss.
After they separated, Comfort coughed. "It's good to see you... you know what? I have found a strange creature at the entrance of the town. It... He is something I never saw before..."
"What? Where is he? How is he?" Labour said worriedly.
"He's upstairs in our guestroom, sleeping peacefully. His body is exhausted and he is wounded... some animals were after him. I think he came from the forest." she said after a few moments of thinking.
"Can I examine his wounds?" he asked.
"Sure, just be careful. Don't wake him up."
"Does he have a name?" he asked as he went upstairs to the guest room.
"Maybe... if he has one, he didn't tell me yet. He was unconscious when I found him."
"Ah ok..."
She heard the door to the guest room opening and closing...
The mare chuckled to herself. Since they were young, Hard Labour always liked to help wounded living beings. It did not matter, animal or pony, he even helped griffons without hesitation. This is one of the reasons why she loved him so much. He did not cared much about himself, but he cared about everypony around him.
Suddenly, there was the chattering of glass and Labour's scream of agony, before he ran out of the room and downstairs. His whole body was on fire and he ignited everything in his wake. Then he hit his head on the table in the kitchen, knocking him out and the fire feasted on his body like a greedy manticore.
The guest room was already on fire and the guest trashed around in his burning bed, screaming in pain.
Then more glass chattered as wine bottles came through every window, their alcoholic content set everything on fire.
Comfort Mane could only scream as the scene enfolded around her and not a few seconds after, the whole house was on fire, and the little lovely mare was in the middle of hell...
Dan stood outside, with a six pack of Molotov cocktails in front of his feet. He has bought them at the local supermarket and now he was throwing one after the other at the house. The first one smashed through the window of the first floor and after he heard a scream, he threw more through each window of the house.
"Hey, what are you doing, pal?" he heard someone saying.
Chris stood next to him, a questionable expression was written on his face.
"WHAT? I thought you were in... Ah never mind." Dan said defeated as he lowered the last Molotov, before he removed its tissue and took a long gulp from the bottle.
"Anyway, how did you get here?" Chris asked as they began to walk through the streets without a concrete destination.
"Well, I don’t know... but did you saw that strange unconscious creatures near the forest?"
"Yes, I saw it lying on the ground... looked like a frigging mix of a lion and a desert eagle..." Chris replied.
"It's called griffon, and it was male." Dan said.
"Ah ok... how did you know about its gender?"
"Here, drink some." he offered his bottle to him, ignoring his question.
Chris shrugged, took the bottle and a good gulp, too. At first, he coughed at the taste, but he decided not to question it.
"Chris!"
Princess Celestia flew down from the sky and landed gracefully next to him by tripping and falling on her belly.
Before Chris could run away again, she quickly caught her breath and said "Please, don't run away... I.. I...am sorry for scaring you, but please do not run away from me. I'm willing to give you a temporary home..."
He hesitated at first, but then Chris said "Ok, but please keep at least your horn away from my face."
"No problem." she said, thinking about other places where she can stick her horn into.
"And my buddy Dan comes with me. His parents died when they were still children." he said, patting Dan's shoulder in pity. Dan hung his head in sorrow, he could never forget their scared faces as they were sucked into a kindergarten...
"Also no problem." she answered, taking Dan's life-story absolutely serious, "Poor thing."
After a while, they took the next chariot to Canterlot, to the castle.
But Foalsville, thanks of having not firefighters at the ready, burned down again. And thus opened new places for worker.
Later:
As the doors to the dining hall opened, he was regarded with a sight that brought him a smile to his face.
Michael and Lee were sitting at the dining table, eating their favorite meals. As they noticed Chris, they waved to him friendly.
Princess Celestia stepped up next to him and said "I've found them strolling through my royal garden. One acted like he was reaping the grass..."
"That was an act of stealth!" Michael said, mouth filled with noodles.
"And the other one was drawing dicks on Discord's statue." Princess Celestia said sighing.
"An act of distraction!" Lee said, drinking some orange juice.
"Go, you two, enjoy your meals." Princess Celestia said. Chris and Dan sat down next to their friends and began to eat their meals. As Princess Celestia watched Chris eating chips, she then remembered the first time they met...
Princess Celestia was seventeen when she galloped through her royal garden and ate every bug she could find when she spotted a bipedal creature roping down from the wall.
He wore some sort of tactical gear, with a lot of tactical ammo pouches on his tactical bullet proof vest and a tactical camera, which was mounted on his tactical helmet. He carried a Remington 870 express tactical shotgun on his back and a full auto Glock 18 with suppressor in his holster.
Just kidding, he was only wearing a pair of pants. And he fell clumsily to the ground as he tried to climb down. But to his luck, the Queen's royal bush stopped most of his fall.
She watched him making his way to behind a tree, where he unzipped his pants and...
He sighed "Wow, I didn't know I held back up so much..."
Whatever the creature was, it did not belong to Equestria for sure. She sneaked up behind him slowly and...
...she tripped on a twig, snapping it. She looked up to the creature fearfully, who resumed to whatever it is doing.
As she sneaked up again on him, she felt the sand beneath her rumbling. She whispered a curse before a large green four legged bug crawled out of the sand. She quickly killed it by throwing a toilet at it, it's brownish green blood splattered everywhere.
The creature hummed an unknown song, he did not notice what happened...
She sneaked further on him and...
...she stepped on an anti-personnel mine from the first equestrian war, its explosion threw her high in the air. But thanks to her immortality, she suffered no damage.
But the creature was still minding his own business...
And she began to sneak again... and finally, she was right behind the creature. She shook her head at the creature's behavior and whispered "You could shoot cannons and he wouldn't hear it..."
"WHAT? WHO'S THERE?" the creature whirled around, forgetting to put on his pants.
And young Celestia fell in love...
"Hey Celestia. Your cheeks are flushed and your nose is bleeding. Are you okay?" Lee asked the princess, who wore a sheepish smile on her face. She then shook her head to get back to reality.
"Yes, I'm fine..." she looked at Chris, who was still wolfing down his chips.
Since that time they got separated, she wanted to feel his presence again. To hold him, to take care of him. Doing all the things they tended to do two thousand years ago.
And she only needed to open the bond...
"Chris." she said, and the human turned his head to her "Yes?"
"Do you know our bond?" she asked tenderly.
"Eh?" he said after he swallowed the last chip.
"Our soul bond?"
"A whatbond?" Chris raised an eyebrow.
"Soul bond."
"What is that?"
"A eternal bond between souls who are caring for each other."
"I don't get it..." Chris said, slowly shaking his head in confusion. Celestia knew at that point that Chris would not understand at all what a soul bond is, so she tried to explain it as much as simple.
"Mind Wi-Fi." she said simply.
"Oh, I understand now. No, I don't know about our bond."
"Should I open our bond?" she asked.
"Sure, what should go wrong. But... maybe you could show me how bonding souls works." Chris said smiling. He still did not get that thing with soulbonds, but it sounds good to him.
"Soul bonding? You want to see how it works?" she asked.
Chris nodded.
"Well, then... I will show you." she said understanding, as she walked over to Dan, who looked rather confused at her.
She stood in front of him, looking with her blue pools which were her eyes into Dan's, like she wanted to stare into his very soul. Then she quickly kissed his forehead. Dan recoiled at the action, kissed by a horse is way more gross than eating spinach for a whole week.
Before he could respond, Celestia grabbed Dan's head with both forehooves and held his head still.
Then she literally rammed her horn through Dan's forehead, piercing his skull bone. He elicited a squeak, which quickly silenced. Blood ran down from his cheeks and his eyes rolled back into their sockets. It looked like Celestia's horn sucked his brain out like a Combine Advisor.
"HOLY BALLS!" Michael fell from his chair in shock, then he fainted.
"OH FUCK!" Lee's face went pale before he also fainted.
Chris just stared in terror at the scene.
After a while, Celestia removed herself from Dan. He fell down to the floor, unmoving. She turned to Chris. Her horn was bloodstained, crimson ran down her face which was not her own and her expression was crazed, with wide-open eyes.
"Now it's your turn!" she said smiling as she walked to him...
Chris walked backwards, never letting his eyes away from the advancing alicorn, until his back bumped at the wall.
"Oh Chris, do you know how long I have waited for you?"
"You have waited 63072000000 seconds for me, I know..." Chris stuttered after he drew back his calculator.
"And it was 63071999999 seconds too long... I want to bond our souls NOW!" she cooed like a pigeon.
"Do you know why the mark on your forehead does look like my cutie-mark?" she said lovingly.
"That stupid mark?" he said, pulling his hair to the side which covered his forehead.
"Yes, exactly... WHAT?!" she yelled as she spotted the mark... which did not looked like her cutie-mark.
"Yep, I was bullied in school for that, so I overdrew it to a tribal tattoo." he said.
The sun was blackwhite, with razorsharp edges and a evil looking face in the center. Lines were coming out from the rays and ended in a sharp spike. In fact, it looked like a vortex of hell rather than of a lovingly warm sun.
After she closed her jaw, she began to smile again "However, it won't stop me from bonding with you..."
She then grabbed his head with both her forehooves and tried to bring her horn down into Chris skull... which resulted in a new earhole as Chris moved his head to the side, trying to dodge Celestia's missile.
"AAAAAH, MY EAR! YOU JUST PIERCED MY EAR!" Chris shouted in pain, holding his bleeding earlob.
"Oh god, I'm so sorry..." Celestia whined, but then she said "Well, we can even this out..."
Then she pierced Chris other earlob. He could not himself but scream like never before, making the windows shaking.
"Oh, Chris, you look like two thousand years ago..." Celestia whispered huskily and let loose of him, to take the sight of him in. Yep, he definetily looked like two thousand years ago, with his hands covering his bleeding ears.
While Chris covered his ears, he thought of a plan to escape from this awkward situation.
"LOOK, NIGHTMARE MOON ESCAPED FROM HER BANISHMENT!" he shouted, pointing at something invisible located at the ceiling. He did not know where this name come from but that did not matter as Celestia turned her head in fear.
"WHERE IS SHE?!"
Chris used this opportunity to dash past Celestia and run to the door. But before he could reach it, a golden aura enveloped the lock. Then a click was heard as the door was being locked. He was now trapped in the room with the crazy alicorn.
"Ha! Do you think I would fall for this old trick and you could escape me? I must remind you, nobody can ran away from a alicorn." Celestia cooed as she turned to him.
Chris eyes widened in fear. Celestia smiled even more at this.
"Oh, don't be afraid. I'm sure you can remember our time being together as one..."
"What? We were together?"
"Yesss." she hissed. "And we made such tremendous love..."
Chris turned green for a second and swallowed his stomach contents. Okay, screwing a princess is awesome, but when she is a horse, then... the logic part of a human brain intruders the bestiality alert "NO, ITS WRONG! YACKITY-SMACKITY!", but the primal part says "FUCK HER LIKE THE BITCH SHE IS!" and the logic part retorts "SHE IS A HORSE! INTERCOURSE WITH NON-HUMANS IS PROHIBITED BY LAW!" and then the subconscious says "BUT IN A FORMER LIFE, YOU SCREWED HER!" and then the primal instinct says "YOU HEARD IT! LETS HAVE A FUN NIGHT!"...
... it's just a endless fight between logic facts and primal instinct. But in the end, every story ends up in having sex with a space pony, just for the lulz.
Yes, I mean YOU! Take your hand out from your pants!
But then a new plan formed in his mind...
"Is there any proof of our former relationship? If yes, I'll give you a try."
"NO! YOU FRIGGING FUCKING ASSHOLE BITCH MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING WANKING HORSEFUCKER!" the logic part said.
"LA CHICKA MARITA! WOOOHOOOO!" the primal instincts cheered.
Celestia's eyes were glistening in glee. She knew where to start...
"Follow me, I will show you our promise we made together..." she said with bedroom eyes...
Later:
"This is the tree where we made our promise." she said as she pointed at a large and old tree in the royal garden.
"What for a promise?" Chris asked, slightly filled with fear.
"Well, look for yourself..." Celestia cooed and looked back at the giant plant.
"Please, let a wonder happen... please." he silently prayed to himself.
And his pleas was heard...
Chris made his way to the tree, as suddenly a blocky human with a aquamarine shirt and blue jeans jumped over the wall of the garden, went to the tree and began cutting it down with a diamond axe.
Not a moment after, the tree fell apart into little blocks and the human began picking them up, before he ran away.
"Well, that proplem got solved." Chris said casually as he crossed his arms, "More sunny places for me."
"NO! I WANT TO BE PLEASED! DO THE KOITUS!" the primal instincts screamed.
"YES! LOGIC WINS!" the logic yelled in joy.
But Celestia looked at the place where the tree was for a minute, before she fell to the ground, screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" as she started to hyperventilate.
Princess Luna came by and saw her sister wailing on the ground. "What is she doing?"
Chris tilted his head to the side. "Looks like a withdrawal of endorphines.", then he shook his head and walked away "Just wait, she'll be okay... propably... I wanted to give her a new chance with our relationship, but now without any proof of our former relationship, it wouldn't happen."
Princess Celestia heard this and weeped more, she threw herself on her back and shook her hooves wildly in the air like a turtle which has been turned upside down.
Suddenly his phone rang and he wondered at first how he could get a signal in this primitive world, but then he decided not to question this fact. He picked up his iphone, which was bent, but it was still working anyway.
"Hello?" he said.
"Bodhi's Pool Repair?" said the voice.
"Stop that joke, it's not funny anymore. Who's there?"
"Oh thank god, you're alive! It's me, Rose. Me and Timer woke up and saw Sunny lying dead on the ground and we thought that crazy pony thing got you. Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm okay. Where are you?"
"We have just recently escaped from the castle and heading down to a Hotel... it's called Noble House Hotel or so..."
"We'll meet down there. See you soon." Chris canceled the call and looked at the still wailing Celestia. Shrugging, he walked off...
Princess Luna looked at Chris who climbed over the wall. Then she turned to her crysis (crying sister). "You did it wrong. Why didn't you make out with him instantly?"
"I... I don't know... I wanted to fool him he's safe around me, but it turned south as I wanted to open our bond..." she said after she calmed down from her sobbing.
But then her mind clicked and a chuckle escaped from her mouth "I have an idea..."
Later:
The trio entered the hotel casually. As they stepped through the entrance, all stares were directed at them, but mostly from the mares... before they hurried to the toilets, to relieve themselves from the excitement at seeing such sexy humans.
The humans did not mind as they went to the receptionist, who was a stallion.
"We want to order a room each for us. With toilet and bath and..." Lee began to speak, but the stallion held up a hoof, stopping him. Then the stallion brought out a letter...
To all companies of Equestria,
do NOT let the three humans work in any job and/or staying in a hotel. They must know their place in this world.
Sincerely, Princess Celestia.
"I'm sorry, but I have my orders." the stallion said smugfully.
The trio were exchanging confused looks, until Lee moved forward and put his elbows on the desk.
"I ask you again. One room for each of us."
"No." the stallion shook his head.
Lee brought out a little bag of bits with his left hand, shaking it. "Money?"
"Haha. No." the stallion snickered.
Lee brought out his KSP machine gun with his right hand, eliciting a lound clicking sound from the weapon. "Lead?"
The smile left the pony's face as he pointed at the bag. "I... I reconsidered... I wanna the money..."
"Too late." Lee said as he put the bag away. "Where are the keys?"
The pony gave them quickly the keys.
Before they went to their rooms, Lee turned again to the pony. "If you say anything to anypony, I will personally hunt you down and rip your balls off. Then I will kill your entire family and your grandma's niece friend's sister mother former roommate."
"No, please not her!" the stallion all but cried.
The trio called it a day as they entered their chambers and drifted off to sleep in their beds...
But Chris get a visit from his former personality in his dream...
Chris took a chair and sat down in front of the human who was bound at another chair. If one wouldn't know, the two looked like twins...
He found the human strolling through his dreamscape. The human said something about Chris real name, which was "Crystal Justice"... which was a really ridicolous name. If you translate it to german, you get "Kristall Gerechtigkeit", which describes all german basic laws for crystals and minerals. By the way, "Crystal Meth" would be much more iconic.
Chris did not mind what the human said, after all it was just a dream. But as Crystal Justice said that he was Chris former personality, Chris snapped...
And now Crystal was bound on a chair, his right knee was broken and one of his teeth was missing.
"I ask you again, why are you coming back?"
"Celestia needs you! Your and her soul are meant for each other!"
"Wrong answer..." Chris said calmly, then he kicked Crystal with his chair on the floor. Crystal yelped in shock and was even more frightened as Chris put a cloth on his face.
"What are you doing?!" Crystal yelped, but then he began to cough as Chris poured water on the cloth.
"I can't hear you!" Chris said like talking to a child, as he poured more water on Crystal's face. "Because of the cloth on your face!"
As the can was empty, Chris removed the wet cloth and put the chair up. Crystal was gasping for air like it was his last chance.
"I don't want to hear about some soul bullshit. I just want to hear the answere, why are you coming back? Why are you in my mind?"
Crystal coughed again. "I... I... just want to show you the time where you and Celestia were together."
Something in Chris brain clicked. "You did all those daydreams?"
Crystal looked nervously into Chris eyes, then he nodded.
Chris put a hand to his chin. "Even though the daydreams were kind of arousing, they made me look like a weirdo to the people around me. I didn't like that."
Before Crystal could respond, Chris drew out his M1911 and shot his former personality into the head.
One problem less to care about.
Chris stood up and went to no general direction of his dreamscape, as suddenly the moon in the sky changed and a blue alicorn floated down to him.
"I saw you killing your former personality. Why did you do this?" Princess Luna asked as she landed next to him.
"He annoyed me to no end... by the way, what are you doing here? And mainly, who are you?" Chris asked as he walked, Luna next to him.
"I'm Princess Luna, mistress of..." Princess Luna introduced herself, but then she was interrupted.
"Stop right there, I don't care who you are. Just get the fuck out of my head." Chris said.
"Watch your tongue! You are speaking to royalty!" she hissed in anger, but there was an hint of F.E.A.R. in her voice.
"Princess Luna goes next to two trashcans and says Cheeseeee!"
Her anger disappeared and she was shivering all over her body. "Please stop it!"
"Princess Luna jumps in the air and get stuck in it!"
One side of her face went black. And the eye's pupil of that side went to a slit.
"Princess Luna eats some peanuts, shits on the floor and is happy to get a Snickers."
She started to cry, while the black side of her face seemed to smile. The smile went wide enough to rip a part of her lips.
"Princess Luna has a lot of common with an Edding. Her ass is black, hairy, fat and smells of alcohol."
She cried in pain, while her other side laughed like mad.
"Princess Luna beeps when she is walking backwards."
Chris snickered, then he broke out in laughter. Princess Luna fell down and cringed on the ground in pain. But she forced her dark side back into the depth of her mind with her night force and blah blah magic.
"You will regret this!" she hissed to him, before she turned around and bucked her hindlegs into his crotch...
It was late in the night and Chris was deep asleep. He mumbled something in his dreams as suddenly he shot up from his sleep and praised Luna for it.
He rubbed his sleepy eyes and looked around in his hotel room.
Clank!
A sound came from the window in his room. Somebody was throwing stones at the glass. And the glass has gotten received already a crack. Cursing, he stood up and went to the window...
Clirr!
Another stone hit the window, breaking it and the stone hit him square center in his crotch. He gave a squeak and fell to the floor, holding his jewels in agony...
Another stone was thrown through the hole of the broken window, hitting his head.
"Gah, shit, what the fuck?!" he yelled in a high-pitched voice that would make Micky Mouse jealous, before he stood up like a flash and looked out the window.
A white slender mare with pinkish mane stood there outside, illuminated by the smooth moonlight. She looked up and smiled to him...
And suddenly, she began to sing...
Her voice filled Chris ears with such emotion that tears welled up in the corner of his eyes.
Then Chris looked in awe as she began to glow and was lifted in the air by a unknown force, still singing her beautiful song.
Until she was outside in front of the window. And with that, her song ceased. Her hoof slowly made contact with the window's frame and she looked lovingly to him.
"Let me..."
He knew instantly what she meant. He opened the window, despite the glass was fully broken and opening the frame wasn't needed.
"I can feel your pain, mon armour." she said in a french accent.
"You don't say..." Chris said as he scratched the aching place between his legs.
"Let me heal it."
A sheepish smile crept on his face.
"Bond with me tonight... let us become one for now and forever... Michael."
The romantic music in Chris head stopped abruptly and he looked at her funny "Who's the Michael you talking about?"
Her loving and understanding smile left her face slowly and she asked "Are you not...?"
"No, my name is Chris "Hiqqup" Higgot, professional criminal."
The mare's face turned into annoyance and she whispered "Curse you Fancy, you gave me the wrong adress..."
"Who are you looking for?"
"A human with the name Michael Lily." she answered. "Do you know him?"
"Yes, he is staying in this hotel, but his room is three stories above mine." he pointed up with his index finger.
The smile went back to her face. "Oh thank you so much!"
"No problem." he yawned as the sleepiness crept back to him.
Without wasting any seconds and, like a lamp being turned off, she stopped glowing, floated back down to the ground and began to throw rocks again, but at a window which was higher located...
Chris shrugged and winced as his jewels screamed for the attention of this mare, but he quickly put this feeling aside as he closed the window and went back to his bed...
He heard the mare singing again and saw her, again floating and glowing, passing his window.
Ignoring her, he closed his eyes... only to snap them open because he forgot something very important to tell her...
Suddenly, there was the sound of a shotgun going off, a mare's scream and a body hitting the hard ground from a great height.
"Ouch..." he heard the mare saying.
He stood up and went to the window and saw the mare walking away.
"Sorry, I forgot to say that Micheal is a member of the Anti Magic Agency!" he shouted.
"Well, fuck you!" the mare shouted back and walked further away.
The Anti Magic Agency is a company for research and containment of magical artifacts and beings. It is also a division of the Armacham Technical Corporation, which hasn't anything much to do than copying the same soldier over and over again.
Chris shrugged and went back to his bed, to get some sleep...
Next morning:
Chris woke up late in the morning, as Princess Celestia's holy sun photon rays burned his face. Standing up from his bed, he went to the bath, to do the three S.
Shit.
Shower.
Shave.
Latter was done with a machete.
Then he went down to the dining room, where Lee was already having his breakfast. Michael was nowhere to be seen.
"Good morning, and welcome to the Noble House breakfast event. This well trained staff is provided for the satisfactorying and filling of the Noble House Hotel guests." a mare said with a clear voice, pointing her hoof at some maids and servants.
"The time is ten thirty am. Current outside temperature is thirtynine degrees. Estimated height of Canterlot is fourhundred and five metres. The Noble House Hotel is maintained at a pleasent twentyseven degrees at all times. Due to high sensible lungs, no smoking is permitted within the Noble House Hotel. Please keep your limbs at bay. Do not attempt to grab a pony's flank or rub them. Breaking this law will end in instant termination. In the event of a emergency, guests are to remain seated and await further instructions from the personnel of the hotel. If it's necessary to exit the hotel, break the windows to escape. The Noble House Hotel wishes you a pleasent stay and enjoy your breakfast."
With that, the staff began to serve the guests and Chris took the seat next to Lee. But Lee didn't respond to the "Good morning." from Chris, even as Chris stabbed a combat knife through his hand.
"What is it, Lee?" Chris asked, as he retrieved back his combat knife.
"This world is weird. I saw a beautiful mare and said 'Wow, you look pretty handsome'. Something snapped in her as she confessed her profound love to me... which I really politely declined. She then wailed outside and threw herself from a cliff...." Lee said without looking up to Chris.
Chris stared at him, before he snickered. "Eh... lol."
"There is nothing to be LOL about. Put attention to every word you say here!"
"No problem!" Chris nodded, then he turned to the very next mare. "I'm calling you later!"
The mare shrieked in pleasure as she bolted out from a window. She then threw herself from the very same cliff.
Chris turned to another mare and winked to her.
The mare exploded in arousal and sent gory debris everywhere. Chris decided this morning to have a steak for breakfast...
...as he asked for the red menu card, which was meant for carnivores.
What, did you think that Chris would eat an pony? This story is rated for teens! And eating a sentient pony is far more worser than watching the MLP show from the 80's! You philistines!
Michael came down from upstairs and he looked really tired.
"Good morning, pal!" Chris said as he waved to Michael.
"How do you do? It is about last night? You missed your soulmate!" Lee said.
"What? No! I mean yes, but it was on purpose!" Michael said.
"Why?"
"Because singles have more money. If you have a girlfriend, you spend... no, you WASTE money for her jewelry and shits. I had a friend who gave his PS4 to his girlfriend but she never played with it. What a waste of money. Anyway, I have a plan to get money. So, Celestia forbid us to work, right?"
"Yes." Lee and Chris nodded.
"So, last night, I studied the map of Canterlot. They got a bank..."
"You don't have to say anything more..." Lee said, and Chris smirked.
It was a normal day in Celestia's Annual Bank, as everypony minded their own business. Money, wife, warm flat *cough*burninghouse*cough*...
But a thunderclap ripped their dreams apart as three masked bipedal creatures were standing at the entrance...
"THIS IS ROBBERY, BITCHES! GEDDOWN ON THE GROUND!"
A/N: A more "serious" version of these few sentences is coming soon as a bonus chapter.
In thad castle we know and love:
Luna entered the conversation room and sipped from her coffee. The coffee beans were grown on the moon and were traded fair.
She spotted her celestial sister readying a sheet of paper. It looked like a flyer.
"Good Morning sister, what are you reading?" she said smiling as she went to her.
"Hello..." she said, but she was studying the sheet.
"What is this?" Luna asked again.
"Nothing out of your concerns..." Celestia said.
Luna grabbed the sheet of paper with her magic and turned herself away from her sister, who protested in response. "Hey!"
She began to read...
"Rape! Rape! Raaaaaape! Order today your own holy Rape-A-Human-Set, made by the Church Company. It contains chocolate with an extra of K.O. drops. The set is also including a folding spade and some plastic bags if your human didn't survive the K.O. drops or the afterwards raping. Everything just costs twenty bits! Just order today by calling 06203 691337666 and you will be ready to rape humans in the very next day! Rape! Rape! Raaaaaape!"
She turned to her sister, dumbfounded. "ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?!"
"What? If he doesn't want to be my human, I will forcefully doing so!"
"Did you read the small prints? It says that adrenaline pushs makes the potion slower to set in! Make a quick conclusion: Professional criminal plus adrenaline equals father of the apocalypse! He will turn into a killing machine to keep the potion from reaching his heart! It's just like from a movie!"
"Oh... but you raped your human, too."
"Gaaaaaaaaarghhhhlllrapeaaaaaaaaarghhhhllll." Luna made as she threw her head backwards and opened her mouth. Saliva trailed down her chin, but then she collected herself again.
"That's... something completely different!" Luna defended while blushing.
Celestia wanted to say something, but a guard came rushing in with bad news. "Your bank is being robbed as we speak!"
The sisters were exchanging worried looks...
They are always doing it.
Then Celestia pulled out a Desert Eagle and shot the guard point blank in the head. "I hate bad news... and now let's go to the bank."
Yep, Chris and Celestia still have a lot in common.
"That was a fucking payday!" Chris said as they went out of the bank as he carried a bag filled with bits. Lee and Michael were also carrying full bags as they hurried outside.
But to their dismay, Celestia and Luna landed in front of them. "Stop right there!"
"Really? You and which army?" Michael taunted.
Princess Celestia whistled and three royal guards were coming. Two of them were carrying a rather large panel. They were the last guards since Celestia... took care of their colleagues.
"It's just a bluescreen." Chris said as the two royal guards turned the panel to them. The third one took position in front of it.
"Oh, really?" Princess Luna said as she activated the bluescreen with an remote.
Suddenly, a billion of royal guards were in the bluescreen, all were ready to fight and die for their land.
"Ha! We don't fall for this old trick!" Lee laughed.
"Well, then..." Princess Celestia said as she channeled magic in her horn...
*PING!*
A Cloaker stood in front of the three robbers and he was ready to fulfill his 'task'. "I call this a difficulty tweak!"
"OH SHIT RUN!!!"
This day was named as the big fat day of law enforcement in future school books.
Three blue and green beaten humans sat in a dungeon cell and whimpered in fear everytime when the Cloaker passed by. Their weapons were put away from them and they were left dressed in their boxers.
"You knew I was coming for ya'!" the Cloaker said.
The princesses came by and Celestia said "Well done, my little Cloaker, now return to your family."
The policeman followed suit and returned to the sewer where he came from.
"Well, do you have anything to say?" Luna asked to the humans. Her human was again next to her and mouthing 'Run away when you get the chance' all the while to the three robbers.
Chris turned his head to her...
"What is fat and is rolling down the mountain with more than eighty kilometre per hours?" he asked.
"I don't know, but..."
"YOU and your fat ass."
Princess Luna's lower lips quivered, then she galloped away crying. But Steven was pulled along with her and he totally didn't mind that the rough floor hurt his skin. His screams were caused by extreme arousal, not due by unbearable pain.
Princess Celestia turned to the humans. "We were born blind. Sometimes we stay blind unti..."
"Don't quote Advanced Warfare. It's a copypaste of the previous game." Chris said.
She sighed. "What I want to say is that I forgive your actions when you obey to my orders."
She was regarded with three outstretched middlefingers. But in hooflanguage it meant 'I love you for all eternity. You are mine and only mare.'
And it was a big surprise for the three humans when Celestia fell over and twitched madly in excitement...
MASTER OF TRANSITION:
"Are you really immortal?" Lee asked as he cocked his head to the side.
As Celestia regained her senses, they were brought out of the dungeon and agreed to get to know each other by asking questions to her. They were now in the conversation room and were drinking some hay grey.
"Yes. All alicorns have divine immortality." she said smiling.
But Lee wanted to test something...
"Give me your hoof."
Without asking, she held her left forehoof to him. He gripped the limb and, like a flash, he pinched the sensitive skin with his combat knife. A splash of blood occured and the whole room was dyed in a vibrant red.
"Buah! Something got in my mouth!" Chris yelled and started to spit.
"But the red color is really suiting my pants." Michael cheered.
"AAH! What was that for?" Celestia yelled in pain as she retracted her hoof. A small drop of blood trailed down on her hoof and she called instantly for the emergency ambulance. Several ponies with blue blinking lights on their heads came rushing into the room and "Wooo-ing" all the time.
"Why did you do this?" Celestia hissed in anger as her hoof was being bandaged.
"If it bleeds, we can kill it." Lee said with a smile.
Her eyes went to the size of pinpricks. Her secret has been busted...
"I don't believe anymore in divinity. What is the secret of an alicorn's immortality?"
Celestia looked to the side and buried her face in her hooves.
"Because..." she stuttered.
"Because?"
"An alicorn's skin consists of asbestos..."
"What? Are you fucking kidding me?"
"No, its true! Asbestos is the reason that our mane has a glistening and sparkling effect. And crystal ponies are drinking liquid asbestos every day!"
Lee felt that this kind of conversation was going nowhere, so he changed the topic to something more deep.
"What about family?" Lee asked curiously. "Do you have more relatives than just your sister?"
"Oh, well, I despise my parents, but I love my sister and and I have a son, Cosmos." Celestia said after some moments of thinking.
Like on clue, the doors opened and a alabaster alicorn clad in a black hodie, wearing a black cap on his head and golden dog tags around the neck, trotted into the hall.
The letters IV were written on his cloths. He headed to the treasure room and opened the vault doors and took some bits- a few hundreds.
"Oh look, there's my son." Celestia exclaimed happily.
"Sup, oldie?" Cosmos said in a deep voice, crossing his forelegs as he sat down on his rump.
She turned to him with a smile and cooed "Tell your lovely mother, what are you going to do today?"
Cosmos looked at her funny. "At first, I'm going to the markspony club." He brought out a crossbow, loaded with hot glowing flechettes and waved it around dangerously while he aimed at random things.
"Then I go to ya' home." He raised his voice in volume. "AND FUCK YOUR MOM LIKE THE SLUT SHE IS!"
The smile left Celestia's face and was replaced with anxiety as she stared at her son. Chris whistled and outstretched a fist to him, which Cosmos accepted as he bumped his own hoof at his fist.
"U rekt her." Chris said.
"U game, too?" the alicorn asked.
"Of course! Now rek her more."
"I h8 u mom! U are gay and fgt! U ve foken me and Im gona threesixty noscope u, srsly, u bitch." Cosmos said in his gamer language.
Lee raised an eyebrow and facepalmed. "Let me guess... lots and lots of MW2, right?"
Celestia turned back to Lee nervously "Well, you se-see, we're an active and happy family. Everypony knows it's part. A-and as you can see, I succesfully raised Cosmos to an g-grown-up and well behaving pony. And he will rule over Equestria soon in the future."
"Yeah!" Cosmos retorted in a raspy voice, then he whipped a Royal Guard with his crossbow into the eye before he hurried out of the room, laughing madly all the while. "Im 2 fast 4 ya, bitches! IGOTTAGOFAST!"
"I can sense that Equestria is going to have a glory future filled with harmony and peace." Lee said-
"You mean that?" Celestia said, hope filled her voice.
Lee snickered, then he answered "No. A dancing banana can rule a kingdom better than him."
"Don't talk about my son like that! Yes, he has some anger issues, but I love him, I really do."
"Really?" Lee asked.
"Really really!"
"Ugh." Lee screwed his face.
"I... I didn't mean it like that! I love him but not like that!" Celestia said blushing.
"Why I can't believe you?"
"I don't know! But it is the truth!"
"I don't know either! Maybe you are not the real original Celestia we all know. Maybe you are a re-personalized version of the original, with selfish needs and thoughts. Maybe the legends say alicorns are divine and immortal, but I think none of them can survive a calibre .50 bmg round, and believe me, you don't want a date with one of these. Maybe you are coming out of the creative mind of a young man who enjoys the original characters of the royal princesses and re-invented them. And out of his mind came you: A selfish, bitchy princess who abuses others to fulfill her own needs! Either to be filled with non-pony jizz or manipulate peoples for shits and giggles. Yes, maybe it is true, there are only a few alicorns left and they need babys, but every human has the right to say 'NO!'. You call your loved ones 'Sweetie' in fights which is the evidence of your non-present respect towards them. And your sister..." Lee calmed his breath.
"Became far worser. When Steven end up in this world, you just took him to the castle because he made your sister rofling. Maybe he could have been a psychopath, a hitman or assassin?! A fucking murderer? Someone like us? She couldn't know! Anyway, your sister made him immortal, which is as bad as eternal youth, and then she make it out with him forcefully. What would have happened when I ended up here, on this world? Would you become addicted to my cock after our first time? But how are you supposed to feel a human's size?! Would you then try to shove a ten foot dong up into my ass, because... well, I don't fucking know?! But I know that you are going to poison a ex-lover to force him into a relationship! You would even go so far to tear a happy couple apart! What the fuck is wrong with you all?!?!"
His words echoed from the walls, leaving the princess dumbstruck and in the verge of tears. He was right. Since the time Chris left her, she could not stop thinking about a long wide beam being shoved into the gap between her legs problems, like in Tetris. And Luna took her human along to whatever place, hell she even took him along to the mare's toilets... where she always make it out with him.
But Lee was not finished. "And do you know what?"
Celestia looked down in shame, a tear rolled down her cheeks. He was so right...
"We all like your new personality."
"Huh, what?" she asked dumbfounded.
"You heard right. We all like you."
"That's great, but who's 'we'?" Celestia asked.
"The followers of Zamairiac."
"Who's that?"
"Well... I don't know. I even can't spell his name correctly." Lee shrugged.
A young man sat at the table in house and having breakfast with his father, as a stinging pain shot through his skull.
His father noticed this. "Sam? What is it?"
"I don't know. I felt a disturbance..." he breathed in and said the last words in a whisper. "... in the matrix."
The father gasped dramatically and clapped his hands together above his head. He also lost his monocle. "No..."
A smile appeared on the man's face. "I think I have to declare a war against a german guy..." he said as he rose from his seat, took his Enfield SA80 and unlocked it. He unpurposely knocked over the table and fresh earl grey was splattered on the ground...
The queen of Great Britain sat in her throne as a sharp pain shot through her skull.
"Aunt, what is it?" her nephew Prince William asked, who sat next to her on a folding chair. His wife Princess Cate sat next to him on the ground and listened to Nine Inch Nails.
"I don't know. I felt thousand britains screaming in dismay... then died down..." she said, then she realized it. "Someone threw britain's finest earl grey on the ground... he will DIE for commiting such an insolence!"
With that, she rose from her throne, but she didn't knocked over earl grey. Instead, she walked out from the palace clad in black armor and wore a shield and a longsword...
A german guy was sitting in his room and drinking beer, as he felt that a shipload of shit was coming his way.
"Lisa!" he called for his little ten year old sister.
"Was ist?" she asked as she came into his room.
"Die Scheisse traf den Ventilator." he said. His sister gasped and dropped her plate of Sauerkraut and Bockwürsten in shock. She then went to her secret cupboard and took out a Heckler and Koch G36C, with silencer and all other stuff. She put on her sunglasses and walked back to her brother.
"Ich bin bereit." she said.
"What are you talking about?" she asked confused. What Lee said did make sense, but she did not know where it came from.
"I dunno. I just said what came into my mind." Lee said as he sat down.
"Don't think about it, Celestia. He was like that after a hoard of horses chased him down." Michael said.
Celestia did not know what happened. Lee talked some true bullshit with the explenation he did not know where it was coming from.
"And, who's the father of Cosmos?"
Celestia's face went even more redder. Now she looked like a pony shaped tomato and ready to nohoofscope some bitches.
"A human with the name Harold Keegan..." she said full of shame.
"I thought you were together with Chris..." Lee said. "Wait... a human?"
"It was a one night stand with Harold! I was drunk and then he appeared out of nowhere and he looked almost like Chris..." Celestia confessed, then she looked to Chris hopefully
"Why are you giving me that look? I fucked more bitches than you have."
Celestia's jaw dropped and a Apache helicopter flew into her. "But how? I put a spell on you to stay loyal to me..."
"Well, I went through a surgery. Because during a heist I started to daydream... and a Bulldozer found it funny to headshot me. The doctors then found a weird stone in my head." Chris replied.
Celestia was stunned and she didn't know what to ask else than "What is a Bulldozer?"
"Someone like your sister." Lee said and suppressed a snicker
"Aha, ok." Celestia said as she thought about a human who was very alone and had no friends...
"How can a pony and a human reproduce?" Michael asked.
"Artificial insemination with electrical shockwaves. It doesn't work everytime..." she said and shivered as she remembered the results when the insemination failed...
Suddenly, a guard came into the room, already fearing that Celestia might kill him for no or minor reasons.
"Your highness. We have ba... I mean, we have news."
"What it is about?" Celestia asked.
"Its about Xavier, or Henry... or Daniel..."
"You mean Alexander."
"Yes, him. Princess Cadance wishes your presence in the Crystal Empire."
Princess Celestia closed her eyes as she drifted off to sleep. She whinnied with every breath. It was like the destinity stopped his work right here to save time and expenditure.
+++WARNING! THIS CHAPTER IS REALLY FUCKED UP!!!+++
After the long train ride and giving autographs to their fans, the royal sisters have finally arrived at the Crystal Palace of the Crystal Kingdom which consists completely out of crystals.
Inside the palace, they found Princess Cadance weeping in her throne and Shining Armor lying in a corner... he lost a drinking contest and drifted off into a dangerous coma.
"AUNTY!" the love princess shouted and launched at her aunt from her throne. She completely ignored Princess Luna.
"Hello, scumbag." Princess Celestia said smiling to her niece. The love princess's story is a dark one. She has been found stuck in the radiator grill of a Subaru Impreza Rally Car and she was rescued by the solar princess after Colin McRae finished his stage. Princess Celestia then raised the little filly by her own.
"He is in my bedchambers." Cadance whimpered pitifully and the royal sisters waste no time but quickly made their way to the door...
Princess Celestia and Princess Luna entered the dark royale bedchamber. Several candles were set up around the king-sized bed at the far end of the room.
Alexander lied on the bed with a evil smirk on his face, his wrists were cuffed to the bed's frame. The princesses made their way to the bed and Alex followed their wake.
He was generally in a bad shape. His irises have turned in a wicked yellow, his face was covered with fresh wounds and scars and he was malnourished, since the time parasite took completely control over his body.
The princesses threw a stern look to him, but his only response was a evil snicker.
Luna took position at the front of the bed and Celestia walked to the side next to Alexander, to be prepared if the time parasite tried to attack them. Alex shot up a death glare to the solar princess and giggled.
Luna took a deep breath and began to spoke "We don't know if you can hear us, time parasite, but we demand to leave this body at once. You are not welcome in this world and-"
But she was interrupted by Alex as he spoke in a very low voice "Your mother is with us. Do you have anything to say?"
Luna cocked her head and said annoyed "Yes... mother, come out of there. I'm working here!"
Suddenly, the sheets moved to the side and a old alicorn stepped out from the bed "You prick, you don't let your own old mom relax..."
Luna beckoned her mother out of the room. The old grumpy alicorn slowly trotted to the door, cursing under her breath.
"Bye bye, Miss Gaia!" Alex waved politely with a hand to the leaving alicorn. Luna rolled with her eyes as the door closed and she started anew.
"As I said, you are not welcome in this world and we say you have to go to your own dimension." as Luna spoke, Alex laughed at Celestia "She should piss off and fuck herself!"
Celestia screwed up her face at the scent which came out of his mouth. It smelled... just awful, to keep it short. She opened her saddlebag, took out a Tic-Tac and threw it in Alex's open mouth. He closed his mouth and began to hum at the refreshing taste.
"...and you invaded his mind, to keep him away from us, particularly his love Princess Cadance, who wept weeks for his sake."
"Your magical weapons are nothing against me!" Alex said, before he opened his mouth again, whirling his tongue around and panted like mad. The awful smell was not present anymore, but Celestia felt being turned on by that... inviting mouth. She copied the moves with her own tongue and moved closer to Alex...
"Kiss me! You bitch! Kiss me!" Alex yelled.
That was it.
Celestia dived down, but before she could kiss him fully, she was held back by Luna's magic.
"My sister, he is NOT your coltfriend or lover!"
"Excuse me, you're right." Celestia said emberassed and smacked Alex head with a hoof, but he only snickered at that action.
Luna continued "So we demand again, leave his body at once or we have to use our magic to remove you forcefully from his body. Then we will banish you from this world. And be sure, you won't like that!"
"NIGHTMARE MOON SUCKED COCKS ON THE MOON!" Alex shouted suddenly out of the blue.
Luna gasped deeply. Her lower lip quivered and then she ran out of the room, crying out loudly. Celestia looked at her sister sadly, then she glared at Alex, who just laughed at everything around him.
"You took it too far... you made my sister crying..." she leaned down to Alex face and said dangerously "And I don't like it seeing my sister crying..."
His face did not change. He was still smiling like a innocent little child.
"You said that our magical weapons are nothing against you, right?" Celestia said casually. Alex nodded eagerly.
"Greet my father from Tartarus." she said as she pulled out a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum from her other saddlebag and pointed it at his forehead.
"Uh-oh." Alex said.
BAM!
A mighty bullet crashed through Alex's forehead and killing the time parasit which has latched onto his brain.
A few moments passed and Alex's irises returned to normal, the scars on his face healed and the normal flavour of his skin came back. He felt his strength returning into his body and everything was back to normal. Princess Celestia looked smiling at the lover of her niece and removed the cuffs from his wrists.
He jumped out of the bed in happiness.
"I'm healed! Hooraay!" and ran out of the room...
...what, did you expect a dead Alex? Nonsense!
He ran to his pony wife and embraced her in a bear hug. "Oh mother of Celestia, I missed you so much."
Princess Cadance was also happy and wept into his shoulder. Her heart skipped some beats in joy.
But seriously, when your heart skips some beats, call immediately for the doctor. Maybe you are susceptible for an cardiarc infarction.
"What is this?" she said as she noticed the hole in his head, then she gasped. "You... bond your soul with another mare..."
"No... NO! Mum healed me! I would never betray you!"
"He's right. I removed the parasite with this weapon!" Celestia said as she came by and held up the revolver.
Princess Cadance looked at the weapon with big eyes, then she slapped Alex as hard as she could. Some theeths flew across the room and his jaw was also broken.
"YOU BOUND YOURSELF WITH A WEAPON! YOU TRAITOR!!!"
Somewhere else:
"They are coming, my love! They held your mother as a hostage!" Nightmare Moon said as she looked from the window.
"Moony, what are we going to do?" Jason cried as he feared for the sake of his very mother. "And why is your dialog bold typed?"
"I don't know... but there is only way to rescue your mother!" she said.
"And what is it?"
"Bond with me!" she said in a whisper.
She did not gave Jason the time to think about it, as she grabbed his head and eased -or more specifically, pierced- her horn into his skull. He gave a short squeak and blood ran down his face, before he went limp.
At the same time, SAS's guys came into the house. They spotted Nightmare Moon holding the limp body of the boy...
"Pony pony pony pony!" they shouted in unison, then they sprayed earl grey at her with waterguns. "TEA TEA TEA TEA!"
Original british earl grey serves multiple purposes. You can drink it, you can mix it with british scotch, you can use it like fuel for your car, you can disable suspects for a short moment and you can violate the geneva convention. And thus it can alert the British Special Air Service. And then you are fucked.
"AAAAAAH! MY EYES!!!" the mare shouted in agony, then she was drop-kicked down by a very particular policeman and cuffed tightly. Nightmare Moon struggled against the cuffs, but it was fruitless.
"Not so though than in the original story!" the Cloaker said and exchanged high fives with his colleagues.
Back in Equestria:
"What's on the list?" Luna asked as they flew through the air.
Celestia took out a long sheet of paper and went through all objectives.
She sighed. "I have to give Twilight a pair of wings, turn her skin into asbestos and force her signing a lifetime contract to do awful princess business..."
"You are going to turn her into a alicorn?"
"Yes..." Princess Celestia groaned. It was against her will, but a Merlin Senpai last word's were very clear...
The pony who completed my spell is going to join the royal bloodline... bleh! Dead!
They landed near Ponyville and Princess Celestia felt that the spell has been completed... and Twilight has been turned into a pile of ash. Luna and Celestia did not had the need to be turned into a pile of ash, but anyway.
Now she concentrated her magic to enter the afterlife and searched for Twilight's soul. She found her, gave her some flashbangs flashbacks and then revived her into the body of a alicorn. But it was way more complicated doing this task than just saying it.
"Now you are Princess Twilight Sparkle, the princess of friendship!" Princess Celestia announced happily as she trotted to her faithful student.
"Wow... I don't know what to say!" Twilight was out of words, then she looked at her newgrown wings. "I have wings, cool!"
She flapped with them a few times, then she swept up in the air. She quickly learned how to use them, much to Rainbow Dash's surprise, and she performed loopings and barrel rolls in the air. And no, you don't perform barrel rolls by just rolling through the air. It is a looping with distanced start and endpoint.
Never before in her life she felt so... free and wild. Now she knew what Rainbow Dash always talked about flying. It felt good and nopony can stop her to do everything which she always wanted to do!
Princess Celestia could not help herself but start to cry at the joy of her beloved student. Normally she would not give a fuck about the status of her student, but this was something completely different.
"Woohoooo! I can fly!" Twilight exclaimed as she flew higher and higher...
Then she was sucked into the jet engine of a Boeing 777-300. The engine bursted in flames and the plane struggled to keep his balance.
"Mayday, mayday! Bird strike, bird strike! We are going down!" reported the pilot to the tower, but it was too late...
"Tower! Say my wife that I love her..."
The plane crashed somewhere into the Everfree Forest, followed by a not unsignificantly loud explosion.
Before anypony could threw the solar princess the stink eye, she teleported herself back to the castle.
Celestia's first step to gain Chris trust and love was to ask him what he did like and what not.
"Why are you asking me this?" Chris asked as he raised an eyebrow.
"I just want to make you feel good."
"But I indeed feel good!"
"Did you ever celebrated your birthday?"
"No, but I never felt forward doing so."
Celestia gasped as deeply as she could until she was all round. Not celebrating your own birthday is a crime, with the exception of one night a year where all crime is legal. This is the trick in Equestria. One night a year every single crime you do is legal, you can release your hatred of the world in one night and you don't have to reckon with the justice.
"That will be changed immediately! I will give you the best birthday party you ever had... and also a personal surprise."
Chris began to smile. "Are you giving me a PS4?"
"What? Hell no! I will make it out with you after the party, even if you don't like it!"
Before Chris could even respond to her great idea, he had been headbutted... ... ... pancakes.... ... ...
He woke up in a dark place. The only light came from a sword which was stuck in a stone. It's handle was blue and the stone read "The Master Sword."
He pulled it out with minor effort. Words were written on its blade and he began to read them...
"Beings of darkness be banished..." he stopped reading the first phrase, it was way too rusted, but he could read the second phrase clearly...
"Made in china... I thought it was made in Equestria!! Fucking globalization!"
Suddenly, the dark surroundings changed to a large colisuem. Hundreds of ponies were cheering, the princesses were sitting in heightened thrones at the far end of the colisuem... and he was right in the middle of it.
Luna's voice boomed through the colisuem "WELCOME TO CELESTIAS ANNUAL ARENA, WHERE ALL OF EQUESTRIAS BRAVEST WARRIORS ARE FIGHTING TO DEATH!!!"
"That's exactly my cup of tea..." Chris smirked, but then he noticed his only weapon was the rusty sword "But how is this supposed to help me?"
"BOTH MAGICAL AND RANGED WEAPONS ARE ALLOWED. SO, BRAVE WARRIOR, PREPARE TO FIGHT!"
A music started to play, and a gate at the other end of the arena opened. A centaur stepped out of the darkness which he never saw before. At first glance, this centaur looked like a regular one, but a closer look would reveal it's robotish and cold appearance. It's face was human like but unmoving. It's eyes were crimson and a large razor sharp horn protruded from it's forehead. It wore an helmet, revealing it's red eyes and a little bit from it's face. It's body was covered in thick silverish armor plates. It carried a enormous katana in one hand and a large shield in it's other hand. And it's tail was consisting of rusty chains instead of hair.
The centaur reared up on it's hindlegs and swung his katana, caused it to sing through the air.
The chance to win was one to a billion for Chris. So yes, he was screwed. "I wish I had the Thanator .50 cal..."
"FIRST ROUND. CHRIS VERSUS DEN!"
"Woah, woah... stop big guy." Chris said to the centaur, who paused his roaring.
"You think you're smart, but I bet you don't know the third binominal formel."
"A plus B in brackets multiplied by A minus B in brackets equals A square minus B square." the centaur said lazily in it's robotish voice.
"Well, shit..."
The centaur roared again and charged at Chris, who could do nothing but dodging the attack and running a great distance away from the centaur. The centaur roared in frustration and reared up on his hindlegs, to charge again at the little human...
But then, a idea popped up in Chris mind. He tensed his muscles in his arms and threw the rusty sword at the centaur. The rusty sword pierced itself through the centaurs skull and he died due of blood poisoning.
All ponies stared in awe, then they cheered loudly.
"Phew, that was easy." Chris shrugged and looked up to the princesses.
"FIRST ROUND WON: CHRIS HIGGOT!!! NOW PREPARE FOR THE SECOND ROUND!!!"
Christ thought "Well, if the first one was easy, then what it is with the second?" and he turned to the already opening gate as he cracked his knuckles.
All ponies fell silent abruptly.
At first, nothing happened in the darkness and no sound was heard. Chris snickered, maybe they forgot to put a monster there. Or the monster got scared and Chris was about to walk through the gate, to grab the monster's ear and pull him to the battlefield.
But then suddenly, he spotted the glowing green pair of eyes.
Chris smugful face fell like water. This was not anything like the centaur.
This monster was the hunter of his dreams.
This monster has brought him nightmares since the first contact.
This is the monster who was scared of absolutely nothing and was master of blending in to anything and anywhere.
This monster has scared the shit out of anyone.
This monster has redefined the meaning of law enforcement.
Chris cried like a little girl and turned tail as a Cloaker ran out of the darkness and emitted his feared yodelling.
"I've got your safehouse right fucking here!" the Cloaker shouted as he swung his nightstick in the air and chased after Chris who proceeded to run away in circles.
"WHAT THE FUCK, CELESTIA?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!?" Chris cried as he passed the thrones of the royal sisters, who were currently eating a bag of popcorn. Chris was quick on his feets, but the Cloaker jogged behind him with minor effort. It was just a matter of time until Chris got tired...
After a bit more chasing, the Cloaker kicked Chris down and began to nightstick-ing and kick him to a pulp, like always. The poor human cried in agony as the law in-person taunted him. "Alright, the safeword is 'police brutality'!"
"Ah, the fights are never losing their suspence, are they?" Princess Luna said, just as she sipped from her two litre tub, filled with diet coke.
"Every fight fills me with joy. Look at them!" her sister answered, mouth full of popcorn, then she cheered "Yes. Kick him between his legs!"
"I have enough!" Chris shouted frustrated as he went back to the castle. "I've never celebrated my birthdays, but this was my worst birthday ever!"
"I'm sorry I destroyed your first birthday... I just want to make you feel good!"
"I DO FEEL GOOD! I HAVE SAID IT BEFORE!"
"... your voice lies to me." she said simply and gave him the 'I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed'-look.
Chris wanted to shoot her into one of her legs with a Interceptor .45 but since he didn't have his weapons, he calmed himself and turned to her.
"What do you want?"
Celestia looked sheepishly to the side and pawed with a hoof at the ground. "I, well, want to have a fun night."
A squirrel came by and she crushed the animal under her pawing hoof unpurposely.
"I think I know the perfect way to have a fun night." Chris said smiling after a few moments of thinking.
Celestia smiled even more sheepishly and her eyes crossed for a brief moment.
"Finally!" she thought as she followed Chris to his bedchamber...
The fire in the chimney was cracking quietly, spending its warmth to the room. Chris clothes were on the floor as well as Princess Celestia's regalia. Without her regalia, she is just Celestia, a mare with hopes and wishes and needs. All that pieces of cloth were following the path from the chimney to the queen sized bed of that room...
A moan was heard and something shifted in Chris bed. The springs in the mattress gave a few distinct sounds. And someone snorted. The snort came from a female alicorn...
Chris stuck his hand into a hole, clenched his hand to a fist and brought out a piece of it's contents. With that, he ate that stuff...
It was sweet and very tasty.
And here's the conclusion, you dirty minds....
Chris sat in the bed, watching his favourite talkshow while eating a bucket of popcorn. A very disappointed Celestia sat right next to him, left forehoof on her chin and she looked like she was about to cry.
But Chris didn't mind her as he chewed. "There are not enough talk shows in this world!"
Celestia sighed intently. "I think there is not enough love in this world..."
The talkshow was about the new FPS videogames in Equestria. Are they dangerous to the youth of today?
Celestia's eyes shrinked in shame as she spotted her son Cosmos in the show as he talked about what the new videogames are about.
His name appeared on the screen but rewritten to "Violent gamer", as well as the subtitle "AK47 is better than M4A1".
He began to speak...
"Sup. I beat four grown minotaurs in tha face, yea bro. Then ah found a double barreled shotgun and ah didn't stop shooting their fucking corpses... until the wall were smeared fully in a bloody carpet..." he said in his ghetto accent. The audience gasped deeply and began to murmur.
"And I believe humans were also there..." he muttered thoughtfully.
Somepony whispered something to him, unseen by the camera.
He raised his eyebrows, then he brought out his smartphone. "Oh, we were talking about videogames? No, I've got Tetris on phone, let me show you..."
With that, he rose from his seat and out of the camera's view. Then the moderator appeared in front of the camera. "You see, the effects of videogames are horrible to the honorable youth, who are paying my rent later."
The scene changed and Lee appeared on the screen. He played also some sort of a violent videogame, namely Manhunt, or to be specifically, the equestrian equivalent Ponyhunt.
His name was changed to "Gunman" and the subtitle was "Piss off or I'm gonna shoot your wife."
He turned to the camera. "Violence? I can't see violence at all when I play. There is so much blood on the screen, to the point you can't see anything."
Chris laughed like mad and threw his bucket of popcorn across the room. At the same time, Luna and her human entered the room and the bucket landed on her head. She got scared and walked backwards while she tried to pry off the bucket with her hooves.
"HAAALP!!! WHO TURNED OFF THE SUN?! I DON'T WANT ETERNAL NIGHT!" she screamed in fear.
Steven used this opportunity to run away. "Freedom! Here comes Stevie!"
He made a run to a window, only to realize it was already open. He closed it, made another run and launched himself through the glass. He fell at least one thousand metres, then he splattered on the ground somewhere in the Everfree Forest. Even immortality has its limits.
The talkshow then changed to the topic "Ponies with socks". A yellow pegasus mare with flowing pinkish mane stood in front of the camera. Her name was Fluttershy and the subtitle was "I feel [...] scandal".
A blue stallion asked her "Photos of you with socks are flying through the internet, people are fapping and ponies are clopping and you feel discriminated."
Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. "Eh... what?"
The scene then cutted to a slideshow consisting of known mares wearing socks, even a photo of Chrysalis was included, then a off-voice spoke "Many mares are thinking this way similar like her. This topic has been treated more carefully in Griffonia."
A male griffon appeared on the screen and discussing loudly that his land is called "Griffon Empire" and not "Griffonia". He was named as Schwerdtel, he was a very important politician and his subtitle was "State threatening and violent".
A unseen pony hushed him and he stopped his ranting. He cleared his throat and held up a picture of Princess Celestia.
"Alicorns are a threat to our states and violent!"
A pony hushed him again and incoherent whispering was heard. The griffon then cleared his throat again and held up a picture of Fluttershy wearing socks and in his other claw Ponyhunt 2.
"Videogames and mares with socks are a threat to our states and violent!"
The off-voice then began to speak again. "We at the government met the final decision to shoot everypony and everyone on the open street even at the first hunch of playing violent videogames or clopping to mares with socks."
With that, the show ended and the credits rolled through the screen.
Chris yawned and switched off the television. He then wore off his shirt and pants and went back to bed. Realizing that Celestia went into a offensive pose and looked with bedroom eyes at him, he yawned again and said "Get off my bed, I'm tired and I need my beauty sleep..."
This words struck through her already hurt heart like a blade. She did everything she could think off to win his heart. And now she was rewarded with a simple "Get away from me."
Her eyes shrinked to the size of pinkpricks, her mane lost his sparkling appearance and a psychophatic smile appeared on her face.
"Hello Celestia, are you deaf as shit or what?!" Chris said and waved a hand in front of her face. He even pinched her eye but nothing happend.
But suddenly a golden glow enveloped him and he was thrown on the bed. Then Celestia all but rolled on top of his form...
"WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! HEEEEEELP!"
Forceful sex then happened.
None of them noticed the glowing green pair of night vision goggles outside the window.
They were observed since they made their way into the bedroom. But when Celestia forced herself on him, they were not there anymore...
Instead, some Night Guards decided to set up a camera and recorded what happened inside this room. The video can be found here.
This chapter's randomness has been reduced to a minimun but it is still present. Maybe a little change in the mood could have been a good choice.
Let's start!
WARNING: A VERY PARTICULAR PONY GETS BEATEN UP!
He was in a miserable state.
The night was horrible awful.
It was thirty rounds and we don't talk about riflerounds.
His crotch hurted like it has been toasted.
And he felt like shit. And not only from the fact that he was tied to the bed firmly.
Celestia showed him her true face. She was not only a horrible mother, but also a sex crazed princess who was addicted to non-pony... well, you know, male parts.
For censorship and the 'teen-rate', he was only dressed in his boxers, but there was not much left of them.
He whimpered with every breath as he thought about the situation. He was now Celestia's helpless sex slave. How they could have been together in a former life? He could not imagine it...
But next to his breathing, another sound was heard. And surprisingly, it was not the sound of hooves which are coming from the hallway outside the door.
Chris listened closely to the sound. It was a loud high pitched humming... and it was coming directly from under the bed.
"Oh shit..." Chris whined as a Cloaker rolled out from under the bed and jumped on his feets. He had activated his night vision goggles and eyed Chris for a short moment.
"Yeah, I know, I know, I'm late!" the Cloaker said and instead of drawing out the nightstick, he unholstered his combat knife.
Chris feared for the worst and closed his eyes... only to hear four ripping sounds and suddenly he could move his arms and legs again. He opened his eyes again...
The Cloaker holstered his combat knife and put Chris clothes and gear next to him. "Wear them on."
Chris followed suit and dressed himself and made sure his gear was okay, but he was still immensely confused that a Cloaker, the most feared special unit, helped him. Now he knew that even fearless Cloakers do have a soul.
"Well, thanks." Chris said stuttering.
"No problem, now let's get the hell out of here." the Cloaker said, but this time without his radio.
"Wait, what happened to Lee and Michael? They need help, too!"
"Michael went swimming with sirenponies and Lee has been fucked by a bug, so forget them."
"Did I heard the phrase 'fuck'? Because I'm the need of a good fuck!" Celestia said as she entered the room without any warning. But she stopped in the middle of her tracks as she spotted Chris being NOT tied on the bed and the Cloaker in the room.
"What are you doing here?" Celestia hissed in anger.
Instead of answering, the Cloaker put off his night vision goggles and his balaclava, revealing his face to the solar princess...
Her eyes widened as she noticed the features of his face... and those eyes. She could never forget those eyes.
"It... it is you, isn't it?" she asked stuttering.
"Missed me, didn't you?!" the man said.
A tear fell down from Celestia's eyes. "You don't know how much..."
"Well, yeah..." the man crossed his arms. "Cuz' I waited so long for this moment..."
"Oh... Tobias..." she advanced to him.
"...to do THIS!" he yelled, then he charged at her. Before they met each other he performed a sideflip, followed by a backflip. And the backflip worked like a kick.
Celestia received the most memorable kick in her life right into her face. She fell to the ground due of the force. Tobias jumped around on his feets, drew out his nightstick and began to kick and trash her. "THIS IS FOR POISONING ME, YOU CRAZY BITCH!"
Chris watched the scene for a short moment and snickered. Finally, someone showed the sex addicted princess who is boss.
After a few moments, Tobias paused.
"AND THIS IS FOR FORCING ME TO SUCKLE ON YOUR UGLY TEATS!!!" Tobias yelled and continued to beat her to a pulp. But she didn't even scream in pain or did any other sound. She let herself through this. Or maybe she was already unconscious. Who knew? A Cloaker's kick is very strong and can knock out almost everything.
"Wow, Tobias, it's enough!" Chris yelled.
Surprisingly, Tobias stopped and breathed in and out calmly. "Yes. She won't learn anyway... now come before she tries to stop us with her 'Everything will be okay and I'm here for you' jabbering."
"This is called a proper break up." Chris thought as he gave the unconscious Celestia a last look.
They hurried out of the room and through the castle, until they were finally out of the building. Hiding themselves in a bush which has grown next to a wall, they caught their breaths and prepared for the next run.
"My full name is Tobias Greenfield, if you want to know..." he huffed under his breath.
"Well, my name's Chris Higgot. But I want to know, what has connected you to Celestia?" Chris asked as he leaned against the wall.
"Well, a few years ago, I end up in this world after a accident..."
"..she helped me through everything and after a while, we became a couple. But then I found out she took away a chance to see my family again and I thought it is a good choice to go seperate ways..." he explained and closed his eyes as he felt the emotions boiling up.
"What what what... you actually had sex with her, too?" Chris said surprised.
"Yes, and it wasn't bad after all... but after seperating, she started to blackmail me, until she poisoned me. I lied paralyzed in the bed for a long time and she did weird things to me, until I felt that I could finally move my limbs again. But I faked that I still couldn't move. And one day, I escaped into the darkness of the night. I travelled through the land for a month, always on the move away from her, until I heard from the magic mirror in the Crystal Palace. A few days later I sneaked into said palace and found the mirror. And well, I came back to earth. By the way, she jumps with every human she can find into bed."
"And why did you become a Cloaker?"
"I was so fed up with her that I changed my mind about everything. I thought about the situation with her carefully. I didn't want to through this again, if I met her ever again. So I had to learn how to defense myself and went through the hard apprenticeship for special task forces. I pushed my body and mind even beyond their borders... and I noticed it was fun for me and so I took the place as a Cloaker. Besides, I get paid very well."
"And one day, we got called for a emergency situation at the GO Bank. I was the one who kicked you down and received a shot in the side. I faked death so I could survive. And then later, when driving back to the HQ, I was suddenly teleported back to Equestria. I had to stay absolutely cool and follow all of her orders to don't draw any suspicion to me."
As Tobias finished, he received a fist into his left cheek. He rubbed the aching place, but he knew what was that for.
"Now we are even. Now let's get moving." Chris said and turned around. Tobias wore on his balaclava and night vision gear again and followed him.
As they were on the main road, a lot of ponies gave them weird stares, but they ignored them completely.
It was then when a voice boomed through the air. "WHO TOOK AWAY MY SEX SLAVES?! I WILL BURN HER ON THE SUN! AND THEN I WILL CLAIM YOUR DIKS! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"Oh crap, this... see? She's totally a psycho!" Tobias groaned. "Why are all girls I met either not interested or batshit psychos?! I hate my life!"
"It is better when you stay single... but what now?" Chris said as a piece of the castle exploded, a mushroom cloud climbed up into the sky, and a blinding white glowing alicorn flew out towards them. Her eyes were glowing brightly like thousand suns and her tears were sulfuric acid, which sizzled the ground when they fell down.
"And now we run!" Tobias yelled.
Good thing they never thought about starting to smoke...
The last chapter of this messed up story. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have when writing this stupid shit.
Und los gehts!
It was a normal day in Canterlot. Everypony minded his own business as Doughnut Joe walked out from his store to get some fresh air.
"Ah, is life not wonderful in Canterlot?" he said to himself and sighed.
Suddenly, two bipedal creatures were running past him and one of them shouted "Run!"
Doughnut Joe did not know what happened, but then it was not necessary anymore to waste a thought about it as he was hit by a beam of light, floated up in the air and his skin turned black before he got disintegrated into white sparkles.
And so this happened everytime while Chris and Tobias got chased down by a enraged alicorn.
"Shitshitshit!" Tobias shouted as a beam whizzed past him.
"Come, my sugarbears and enter the throes of true passion!" Celestia yelled... and fired another deadly beam at the humans. The logic.
And so the two humans were running for their scared lifes, avoiding beams of pure sun energy as best as they could.
"Don't slow down! We can do this!" Chris huffed under his breath, but it was a matter of time until his stamina will leave him.
"Get down!" Tobias yelled and they both jumped behind a cart, which then exploded in tiny little pieces as it got hit by one of Celestia's rays. And this left the humans open without any cover.
Celestia quickly quickscoped with her horn, Tobias was hit and he disappeared along with her in a blinding light...
Tobias felt his body stretched go all directions, then compressed. And suddenly he fell on buttfirst on the ground. Instantly, he shoot up. He was in a dirty alleyway somewhere in Canterlot. Before he could take a step to the exit, he was shoved against the wall forcefully. He reached instantly for his nightstick...
"Oh Tobias... you have already brought your own..."
Celestia appeared in front of his face with a smile that brought a shiver down his spine.
"What do you mean that I have already brought my own?" he asked, trying to sound cool while thinking a way out of this situation.
Celestia brought out a ten foot... thing out of nowhere. She grinned widely. "This is mine... But today I am willing to share it with you."
"This is a fucking rip off!"
"Oh really?" she looked challenging at him as she pushed a secret button on that thing. And suddenly razorsharp spikes were coming out of the thing.
"This is not called 'Anal Destructor' for no reason." she cooed to him.
He had enough. He brought his nightstick down to her head, but she wielded it off with the thing.
"Wow, that was fast... but I mastered the art of defense..."
"WE HAVE THEE VILLAIN!" with all sudden, a mare clad in a batsuit came down crashing on Celestia, knocking her out and releasing Tobias from the magical grasp.
"Also a rip off..." Tobias muttered as he stood up, but then watched in awe as the batmare continued to beat and stomp down on Celestia and shouted "We gonna buck thy cellulite out of thee!""
At the same time, Chris came running into the alleyway, rifle drawn out and ready for anything. "I just followed the high pitched hum you emit and... oh..."
He stopped in his tracks as he saw that Celestia was already taken care of... temporarily. Tobias turned to him and shrugged careless, while batmare was still beating the flank out of Celestia
"Okay, let's run before she wakes up..."
"What in tartarus is happening here?" Princess Luna said as she flapped down to the ground. The humans were looking in confuseness at the batmare and then at Princess Luna. Instead of questioning the situation or answering the night princess's question, Chris opened a pocket to take out a bar of chocolate. He held it in front of Luna. Her hard princess mask fell off and she began wagging her ethereal tail like a happy dog. Chris then moved his hand from side to side and Luna followed it with her eyes. Then Chris threw the object away into the far end of the alleyway and Luna jipped happily as she jumped after it.
"Crazy princess..." Chris muttered, then he looked at his hand. He found a metallic ring dangling around his index finger...
"What the... ooops."
*BOOM!*
Chris had unpurposely grabbed a fraggrenade from his pocket and lured Luna into unconsciousness. Her asbestos skin held the explosion off but she was knocked out cold.
"Hiqqup... you are stupid as fuck." Tobias said after the ringing in his ears has stopped.
Chris was about to respond when suddenly he felt something vibrating in his pockets. It was his earpiece and he put it in his ear but made himself entirely sure he was not putting something else in it.
"Hello?"
"Hello Hiqqup."
"Bain?! What the fuck are you doing here?" Chris asked flabbergasted. Bain's voice coming from his earpiece was the last thing he expected.
"That's not important. What's important that I know about the crazy Celestia and I want to help you get back to Earth."
"Well, thanks!"
"Thank me later when you're back. But I'm picking up signals of a nearby Cloaker."
Chris looked at Tobias quickly who was peeking around the corner to check for possibly other alicorns.
"I know, but he wants to help me, too. He's in the same situation like me."
"Ex-lover, huh? Give him the line."
Chris gave Tobias his encrusted earpiece...
"Hello?"
"Listen Tobias, you are as screwed as Hiqqup. And you want to help him, too. But without outside help, even you return into Celestia's hooves much faster than somebody calling you 'Bloody Cloaker'. I know Zamairiac's stories just well."
"Who's that?" Tobias raised an eyebrow and smiled. "Someone who needs get the shit beaten out?"
"Propably yes, but not now. But I think we can help each other out. I help you as well to don't get in Celestia's hooves, and you ensure Hiqqup's freedom."
"You know that could me put in a lot of troubles..."
"I don't care. Do you want my help, then take the deal."
Tobias huffed and thought about it. If he didn't take the offer, then Celestia would get him and make him to her private sex slave... again.
"I agree..."
"Wise choice, my friend. I will make sure your boss won't hear anything about that."
"You can do that?!"
"Yes. No problem for me!"
"And how do you know about my name?"
"I have eyes and ears everywhere, Pinkie's sixth sense is a toy in comparison with my ways and options."
Tobias gave the earpiece back to it's owner. "He is for sure something."
"Yes, Bain is like the father I never had." Chris said as he put his earpiece back where it belongs. Tobias was about to respond as his radio messed up and for a short moment, he could hear other strange voices...
"Are you alright Lieutenant?"
"Tia just leave me alone. I said we are THROUGH AND I BUCKING MEANT IT!"
"There is no mercy in our lovemaking!"
"And she was singing Never gonna give you up!"
"You can never run away from a alicorn. They will always find you."
"Twinkle, twinkle little star..."
"A... nobody's at home. The bomb is at B."
"Nachdem es bei mir ein paar Vocalchore gibt, spricht Vocal nur noch in Umlauten, wie'n Neugeborenes."
"She used her legs to push me into her..."
Tobias, despite being a Cloaker, winced slightly at the last words...
"Sorry, had to calibrate this thing here... can you hear me, Tobias? I've hacked myself into your radio." Bain's voice came from Tobias headset.
"Loud and clear..."
"This link stays open for the duration of your flight. When you are through the mirror, it will break. And now, just move your butts to the trainstation. The princesses won't bother you for a while now."
"Okay, but one question though. Who's that batmare?" Chris asked as they made their way to the trainstation.
"I really don't know, maybe just some random destiny happening, but it doesn't matter."
Soon they arrived at the trainstation and Chris headed directly to a conductor pony. "Two one-way tickets to the Crystal Empire, Kingdom whatever part of Equestria. But hurry."
The pony looked shocked and bowed before him. "As a prince, it costs you nothing. Enjoy your ride."
Chris looked confused and scratched his head. "Who said that? Who said I'm a prince?"
The pony took out a magazine from his saddlebag. It was the newest Playcolt and the first page showed a picture of him making out with Princess Celestia, of course uncensored. "Your highness. When you get laid by royalty, it makes you to the lover of the princess and thus to a prince! She also announced it today!"
Chris went red, grabbed the magazine, teared it apart and threw it on the ground. Then he unlocked his Compact-5 and shredded the remnants of the magazine to little pieces. After that he stomped and smeared the pieces into the ground with his feets.
"What the fuck are you?! Deutsche Bahn? Shut up and take my money!" with that, he threw a little bag of money right into the ponies face, causing a seizure to him.
But the two humans didn't mind the on the ground quivering and slobbering pony as they just stepped into the train and after a while, it started its journey.
"That action you took with the magazine... you could join the Cloakers as well." Tobias said impressed. Chris glared at him shortly but remained silent.
"Good news and bad news guys. The princesses lost your scent and that will clearly buy you some time. The bad news is they might be later sensing your decreasing forces after a while. Since the first second you got here, your bodies sucked up a bit of the magic. And alicorns can sense it when their mates are getting away from them. For now, relax and enjoy the landscape."
Bain was right. The landscape of Equestria was truly beautiful, as long no alicorn chases down a human and tries to rape him...
After a few hours, they arrived in the Crystal Kingdom/Empire/Deutschland. They did not ride with the fancy Friendship Express, they rode with a modern InterCity Express.
Everything was sparkly in their vision, but the thing what was the most sparkliest were Chris eyes. If his crew would still live, they could rob so much shit. But he and Tobias have a mission to do...
"We are there..." Chris said. He and Tobias heard their radios clicking before Bain began to speak...
"I've got an insider who hid a few packs of C4 in the throne seat. Just walk straight in the palace and you will find the throne hall in no time. But hurry up, the princesses felt the disturbance in your forces and they are tracking it down as we speak.. god they are fast! They know where you are, but their alicorn instinct can't pinpoint your exact location."
They need to escape fron this horrid, magic-infested place for whatever cost. Even if it means to blow some shit up. Chris looked back into the distance... squinting his eyes like a chinese, he could see two... no... THREE little dots in the sky. And they were glowing like stars during the day.
They quickly went to the palace. It was no match to find it, it was pretty iconic. Like suggested, they walked straight into the palace. Normally, if Chris would walk into a bank equipped with body armor and weapons, it would get suspicious. But the ponies were looking at them with little to no interest and passed by.
The door to the throne hall was quickly found. A sign was placed in front of it "Please don't disturb!"
"Ladies first?" Tobias smirked.
"After you, bastard."
Chris and Tobias kicked both the door to the throne hall open. For whatever reason, this triggered the alarm.
"There' s a royal assault coming your way in sixty seconds. Brace yourselves and take some hostages."
Alex and Cadance have already forgiven each other and were making out on the throne as the other two human came in the area.
"What the hay are you doing here?!" Alex shouted angrily, "Nopony was supposed to get in here!"
"'What the hay'? Are you serious?" Tobias deadpanned. If someone spends too much time in Equestria, he will using ponyterms as well.
"Yes, now get the buck out!" Alex rose up and unsheated his swords. He then looked to Cadance "Don't worry, my love. I will take care of him..."
*wululululuULULULULUULULULULULU!!!*
Without any warning, Tobias kicked Alex from the throne. The kicked man landed on the ground painfully. And for putting salt into the injury, Tobias drew out his nightstick and proceeded with his usual work as he taunted "Listen here, I've got this drum solo I've been working on!"
At that moment, a drunken Shining Armor came into the hall, for a futile attempt to win Cadance's pu... eh heart. And now he spotted Alex get being trashed by another human on the ground. He saw his chance, drew out his own sword and yelled to Cadance "Don't worry, min lady. I will slaughter the intruder!"... or something like that.
Anyways, Tobias "The Cloaker" Greenfield noticed him and dropped a smokebomb, to obscure his actions. Shining Armor could not see shit, but then he noticed the glowing green pair of lights... and it was already too late...
*kick!*
"What's left if you beat the shit out of a piece of shit?!"
Said piece of shit was Twilight's brother and he was crying for mercy as Tobias kicked, stomped and baton-ed him hardly.
"Who is this guy? Ex-military?" Chris thought as he witnessed the unnecessary violence performed by Tobias, but he remembered this is the normal procdure for a Cloaker.
"Twenty seconds left!" Bain warned. Chris acknowledged and cuffed Alex and Shining Armor (after his shit was beaten out) down. They both whimpered in pain and also suffered some sort of trauma, especially Alex.
"Ten seconds, get ready!"
Chris knew that maybe they would not manage this, so he held a hand over to Tobias "Hey, if we fail... it was nice to meet you."
With all sudden, Royal Guards came crushing through the windows, but were easily gunned down by the two humans, so writing this phrase was as necessary like a secondary butthole.
"Watch out, alicorns are participating to the party!"
Then Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and even Twilight Sparkle (she survived being sucked into the jet engine) were flying through the windows. All of them had insane expressions which could make Mane-iac or even Jeff The Killer jealous.
"Come to us... so we can crush you with our flanks!"
"It's a motherfucking element!" Chris shouted as he pointed at Twilight.
"What are we going to do now?!" Tobias said aloud as the alicorns were advancing on them.
"You can try to hush'em away by shooting them. Don't worry, their asbestos skin will hold the bullets off. And watch out for their horns. If it glows softly, then they use simple telekinesis. But if it's tip or the whole horn starts to glow in a bright light, then they are preparing for a release of energy or teleportation."
"Okay. Hiqqup, go for the C4. I'll keep the princesses busy." Tobias said. Chris nodded and went to the throne. He shoved the still shocked Cadance from the seat and sliced the cushion open with a knife.
"Hey princesses! Free penis to fuck!" Tobias shouted to the princesses. Celestia gave a animalistic growl and shoot a beam at him. But he just sideflipped easily and dropped another smokebomb, hiding there.
"I... I can't hold on the pressure much longer! I want him NOW!" Twilight yelled and jumped into the smoke. But then there was a short hollering sound and then the other princesses could hear Tobias yelling "It'd be better if you put up a better fight next time!"
"I've got the C4!" Chris said and turned to the princesses. Meanwhile, Celestia was advancing the cloud of smoke while Luna get started to pounce at him. "Now prepare your anus for an alicorn's lust!"
Chris took aim at Luna's head.He then activated the laser sight on his rifle, to make sure the shot will hit its mark...
Then he ejected the magazine from the weapon and threw it at Luna's head. The blue mare laughed in pain and backed away.
"Great, now move your soon-to-be screwed asses to the west wing of the palace. There should be a big door with a sign 'Do not enter!'. Place a bag at each hinch and then blow the door into next year."
"Understood!" Chris said and snickered as he heard Celestia's scream of dismay as the smoke cleared and Tobias not there. Instead she found Twilight whimpering on the floor, horseapples scattered around her.
"Now come!" Tobias said as he was next to Chris. He jumped in shock but shrugged it off. They ran to a nearby door, opened it and ran like hell through the hallways. Celestia and Luna were close behind them "YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM A ALICORN!!!"
"But at least, we can try!" Tobias shouted back.
Soon they found the right door. They whirled around and threw their magazines at the alicorns. Again, they backed off but this time it looked like they could handle the pain.
"How we can finish them off?!" Tobias yelled in nervousness. He did not dare to jump in front of them to kick them due of their animal-like state. It would end naughty for him.
"According to a scientist brony, you will need fifty cal ammunition to pierce through the asbestos. If you wait a few minutes, then I can arrange a drop with two fully loaded Barretts M82A1."
"In no way we are going to kill them! That will cause a shitstorm!" Chris said as he attached the C4 on the door.
"Okay, just saying!"
After a few more moments, the last C4 was placed.
"So let's blow that door up and escape from this place like sons of bitches." Chris said aloud as he pushed the button of a remote.
*BOOM!*
The C4 blew the door up and sent sharp pieces of crystal flying everywhere. Most of them hit the two remaining alicorns and ruined their mane. They shrieked in horror, in no way they could have their way with the humans when their mane is such in a terrifying condition! So they galloped into the mare's toilets. "Just wait, babykins! We will be right back! And then the lovemaking can be started!"
"Phew that was easy!" Chris said.
"Sorry for disappointing you, but you don't have much time! In opposite to a woman, an alicorn just needs a few minutes to get the mane ready for whatever purpose!"
"Then what are we waiting for?" Tobias ran into the room and to the mirror. Chris followed him.
At the frame of the mirror were ancient words, written in a gothic style. And they were reading following:
'mirror 2 ur mom's house - Cosmoz wuz here!'
"Well, it was fun..." Chris said to Tobias, who nodded in response, and they both jumped at the mirror.
They bumped at the same time at it's surface and slided down cartoonish to the ground.
"Guys, what happened?"
"The mirror is sealed! We can't go through!" Chris said panicked.
"Aha, just wait a few seconds... according to mlpwikia, it opens only scheduled. But I know from an insider that it will also open if a alicorn's blood makes contact with the surface of the mirror."
"Shit."
"No shit, there is still an alicorn left. Her name's Gaia. See if you can find her. And hurry up! The princesses are almost finished with their mane."
"... we don't have another choice. Let's go find her." Tobias said after he reloaded his smg and turned to the door.
"Who the buck is in there..." Gaia said as she came into the room. She was awoken by the sound of rapidly burnt material. But then she stopped in the middle of her tracks as she spotted the humans.
Chris and Tobias looked at each other... then they nodded and Chris made his way to the creator of ponykind, first goddess and allmighty alicorn...
Gaia's eyes were glistening in anticipation at the sight of the upcoming human, but then her thoughts were shattered to tiny little pieces as Chris swatted her down with his rifle. "Down on the ground! And don't get up!"
Before she could respond, her wings and hooves were cuffed. She struggled against them, but to no avail.
"Wow, you just took the creator of this world as a hostage. Now you've got the cards! Get a drop of her blood at the mirror!" Bain said.
"I know the fastest way..." Chris said in a dark voice and brought out his knife. With that, he punctured the fetlock of the pony...
*SPLAT!*
Like Chris expected, a shower of blood came out of Gaia's fetlock and drenched the whole room in a messy red. Gaia shrieked in pain, but no one cared. LOL. Middlefinger.
The mirror got also hit and it activated instantly. At the same time, Celestia and Luna came into the room. They ignored the crimson which dropped from everything and directly headed to the two humans. "Now come to us and deflower our flowers!"
"MOVE MOVE! Or you can't leave Equestria forever. My human counterpart will be informed about your situation."
Without wasting any second, they jumped at the mirror and actually came through. They could hear Celestia and Luna screaming in anger and dismay.
Then they were in a spinning colorful vortex. Colors blinded their vision, noises were going loud and a singing sirenpony was sitting in a DeLorean with Flux-Compensator, driving through a checkpoint in Colin McRae Rally 04 while Nicki Grist was telling her the pacenotes.
Then they both lost consciousness...
...
"Is everything alright?" a woman said. Chris was leaning against a statue in the middle of a schoolyard, with a empty winebottle between his feets. Someone must have placed the bottle there to make it look like he was homeless. He shook his head and stood up and looked around. The sun was shining brightly, birds were chirping and in the distance the sounds of alerts could be heard. Aside from the woman, he was alone. Tobias might have returned to the HQ.
"I'm fine, but thanks, Miss..." he said to the woman.
"Miss Celestia."
His eyes were shrinking in shock as he heard that name. Now he knew what Bain was talking about with human counterparts...
"No! Get the fuck away from me! I have enough from your shit! I swear I will fucking kill you if you dare to touch me! No, twice!" Chris said and backed away from the woman. Then he turned tail and ran away...
Celestia's head dropped and a tear fell from her eyes. "Why are all handsome guys I meet either gay or not interested in me..."
"Hiqqup? Are you okay?" Bain's good old voice came through Chris's earpiece.
"Yeah, without your help, I could not escape Equestria..."
There were a few moments of silence in the line, until Bain groaned loudly.
"... did you daydream again? And why are you not at the bank anymore? And where the heck are Sunny, Timer and Rose?!"
"Öööh..."
"Wait a minute, I got a call..."
Chris waited patiently. He could hear Bain saying "Huh, okay.", "What? Really?" and "Ah, I understood."
"Okay, everything's clear now. God rests their souls in peace... it may sounds weird, but not more than a minute passed by here on earth. And now prepare for getting put into custody."
Chris did not get the chance to react as police cars piled up around him in a flash and all policemen shouted at once "DROP YOUR WEAPON AND PUT YOUR HANDS UP!"
"I see that coming. Don't worry, just surrender and wait. Someone must give his word..."
"Okay guys, you got me." Chris said as he get on his knees and dropped his weapons. He was then shoved on his tummy and his wrists were cuffed.
"You will spend a long time in jail, asshole!" a woman shouted.
Chris was surprised that a woman got accepted into the SAS, but nonetheless he said "Come on, girl, let me go! I got to kill people, girl!"
The woman got angrier and shouted louder "You think we let you go after what you've done? To shoot me and my friends?!"
Chris looked at her while making a dogface... which looked like a dog begging for death.
"NO! You think I'm stupid or what?!"
Chris hung his head...
Suddenly, someone shouted "Let him go, Sophie! His time is over!"
The woman turned around, only to see a Cloaker. "What?"
Another SAS member jumped in and opened Chris's cuffs. "A Cloaker's command has highest priority! I let him go!"
"Hell yeah!" Chris shouted, grabbed his weapons and ran away. A van came nearby and he jumped in. Then the van drove to an unknown destination.
"What the fuck, dude?! We let him go? Just like that?!"
Tobias nodded in response.
"This job fucking sucks... I think I will go to the Spetsnatz or GSG-9..." the woman sighed.
Inside the van, Chris got introduced to the new members of his gang.
"Well, Hiqqup. You survived this shit. And now say hello to your new crewmembers Dallas, Wolf, Hoxton and Chains."
"Hello, guys."
"Hi Hiqqup." the four men said in unison.
"I think we will have a lot of fun in making money." Chris said and smiled darkly.
And if he is still not got busted, he is still robbing shit today.
The End A Romantic Story
Written by Justding
Based upon the works of Zamairiac
Inspired by Scary Movie 1-4 Payday: The Heist and Payday 2 MLP - FML by Maniac92 To Run From The Sun by... someone. I forgot his name, sorry. Absolute Power by Zamairiac Come Back To Me by Zamairiac 'Come Back To Me' Spin-off Get Away From Me blogposted by Zamairiac
Special thanks to Zamairiac, my computer, my smartphone, Google Drive, knighty, the community of fimfiction.net, my sister, my dog, all brave Cloakers who are daily killed on the payday 2 servers, applecake (not the pony, the cake for real)
But wait!!!1! What is that?! The secret of Zamairiac's stories has been revealed! Let us take a closer look of his name! Z A M A I R I A C. His name has got three 'A's. The MLP show has got three alicorns before the third season. What else has number three? Right, a 'A' from Zamairiac's name. An 'A' has three sides. Now lets calculate the shit out of your brain! 3 (Season) x 3 (A's) x 3 (Alicorns) equals 27. An triangle has three sides. 27 divided by 420 equals 3. And now we got the evidence! HALF-LIFE 3 CUNTFIRMT!!1!!!!
(If someone takes the whole thing serious, he/she may go buy himself a brain. But everyone has to do that after reading this story anyway.)
Princess Celestia and Princess Luna had returned to Canterlot and now they were sitting in their thrones, saddened about their apparent loss.
"Nobody can run away from an alicorn."
This term can now be burnt with a flamethrower, its ash then mawed down with a AA-12 and the sorry rest smeared into a arabian carpet.
Everyone can run away from an alicorn, just the will counts.
But they also lost their most precious things in their lifes. Namely their humans...
But then destiny (me, the author) had a slight pity for the lonely royal sisters as a house appeared out of nowhere into the hall. The alicorns were watching the house with big eyes as silenced gunshots could be heard and a human got kicked out of a window. The human then stood up and looked to the entrance of the house, which opened and a german Kraut and his sister glared at him.
"Das nächste Mal machen wir dich platt!" they said in unison.
"In english please!" the young man said politely.
"Next time we will make you flat!" they said in a very broken english...
...just then they all noticed they weren't on the german dump anymore!
The young man cheered in joy as he spotted the alicorns, while the Kraut and his sister closed all doors and put the house under a lockdown.
And again, destiny showed his pity as a plane crashed through the windows of the throne hall. The glass panel then opened and a human peeked out, before he threw an TomTom Go navigation system to the ground. "Fucking piece of shit, it said 'turn left and then final destination' and now I'm here!"
The royal sister were exchanging confused looks, but then they smiled innocently.
"Innocently".
"I'll take that human!" Celestia shouted and pounced at the young man.
"And I'll take the pilot! Doubled Fun, doubled suffer!" Luna yelled and levitated the pilot out of his jet.
Screams and moans then filled the room...
Unseen by anypony, a window at the backside of the house opened and a little girl, geared up with a G36c and tactical stuff, jumped out and rolled off the ground. She quickly looked around and whispered "Alles sauber. Clear."
The Kraut then jumped out, holding a silenced MK23, and nopony saw them escaping through the doors...
And so the Human Resist Union was born. Resistance is unfutile if done right.
Steven Moon aka. Jason Storm was back in the United Kingdom for signing some useless paper shit and extending his JAMBA Subscription, as he spotted Nightmare Moon strolling through the marketplace and looking at everything every stand had to offer. She looked very saddened...
He survived the bonding and luckily his brain was not damaged in any way. But the attack left a gap in his mind...
He watched Nightmare looking at various things, until she turned his flank to his direction.
This was his chance to fill the gap in his mind!
He walked to her, then he increased his speed until he was running. Then he jumped and moved his feets forward. His feets then connected with Nightmare's flanks and she was shoved into a pile of ten foot dongs.
He just had dropkicked an ancient evil into a pile of sex toys.
"Now you can take a proper look, bitch!" with this words, Steven stood up and went his way back to his home. And if Nightmare tried to follow him... well, the Anti-Magic-Agency is a very good friend in cases like this.
He has filled the gap in his mind. And it was revenge.
Sam groaned as he finished reading the last chapter of "A Romantic Story", written by the nobody "JustDing". He facepalmed hardly as he thought about the story's development.
At first, it was not so bad. The comedy was mediocre, the suspence was okay and he thought it was funny that his character Chris Higgot was not a weak somebody, but a bloodthirsty criminal. Only the grammar needed a little bit help, but nobody should take this story seriously. He was a little thoughtful about the elements of the payday games... and guns in Equestria? Really? Does the author knew what he was writing about?
But then, "JustDing" took it too far by mixing up more of his universes, espicially "Help My Lonely Soul" which is an example of his hard work. And then in the epilogue... the reference to "Endless Nightmares" story "Fallen Equestria;Shattered Silence" was overall so bad, he could feel it burns his eyes out. And his most favorite alicorn Princess Celestia got her flank beaten out by a character of his own and Batmare!!!
And then all those prejudices! Yes, the United Kingdom is famous for its Earl Grey, but the fact that "JustDing" pictured the british people as earl grey guzzling morons is just hair raising!!! He showed his father the part where he was wearing a monocle. This was not true! His father was not wearing a monocle! AND HE IS NOT THE CONFIRMATION FOR THE THIRD HALF-LIFE GAME, FOR F**** SAKE!
With a growl, he began to write a comment...
"JustDing, who the fuck you think you are?! Do you want to make me angry? I was nice to you and granted you to use my ooc version of Princess Celestia, but you misused my permission for writing this stupid racist piece of shit! I'm going to report you! We'll see about that! "
Send.
Sam leaned back in his seat and took a calming breath. This guy get on his nerves after the first day he read his name in the comments under his stories...
Who the hell calls himself JustDing? It's a insult for the world language!
A pop up appeared on his screen, showing "OVRKLL answered on your comment".
OVRKLL? Who is that? Sam got curious and clicked on it...
Nothing happened...
Instead, a PM showed up. He opened it...
"IP HAS BEEN TRACKED. DEPLOYING SPOOKS"
"What does that mean?" he asked himself.
Suddenly, he could hear shuffling from within the walls. It sounded like a big rat made his way through the concrete...
Then a distorted voice somewhere from outside said "All Spooks deployed!"
He felt uneasy... what was happening? Did somebody broke into his house?
His heart rate increased as he heard heavy footsteps echoing through the hallways behind his door. This went on for few a moments... then nothing.
Sam held his breath.
His whole body seized as somebody knocked gently at his door. Unsure who it is, he said quietly "... you may come in..."
*WHAM!*
Suddenly the door was crushed from its hinches as it was kicked down. His heart stopped as he realized who the intruder was.
A Cloaker stood in his broken doorframe and drew out his nightstick. "IT'S CLOAKER'S TIME!!!"
Hello guys, at first thank you for reading this stupid piece of trivial literature. I didn't expect such a mass of positive reactions. I only thought of a few comments like 'I'm in the weird part of fimfiction again...'. And I'm also thanking Zamairiac. Without his amazing works, this story would not exist.
-What? This is the most common comment to my story. And so I'm answering:
What what?
-Why is Tobias a Cloaker in this story? Because why not? I felt pity for that poor guy in the original 'Absolute Power' and so I thought about to give him power... hehe, that pun. Besides, everything's better with a Badass. And Cloakers are the most badass enemies in FPS history. In the game, they behave like normal enemies, but their actions are somewhat stealthy. And when you don't put attention, then they charge at you and kick you down. I mixed it up with MLP because I believe it is funny when all shitty villains (Chrysalis, Mane-iac and co.) are doing their part to be evil and suddenly out of nowhere a Cloaker appears, kick'em down and taunts them "I guess you are not as evil as you thought?!". Okay, this isn't MLP anymore, but just think about it.
-What the heck is a Cloaker? For all those who don't know what a Cloaker is or why he kicks flanks in the story, here's a nice video:
-Why mixing up with elements of the Payday games. You must know, I love Payday 2 and so I mixed it up with the parody. In the first version of the parody Chris was intended to be somehow a badboy and so I thought 'If hes going to be a criminal, then more than ever!'.
-What have you done to me, author?! My brain can't handle this story. Your fault. Nobody said you have to read this story.
-Does Zamairiac like/love/hate the parody? He favorited this story, so I think he likes it.
-What are you doing next? At first, I have to write a new chapter for Colin McRae Equestria Rally, but I believe it will take a lot of time.
So, that's it. See you later in my other stories or somewhere else.
Like promised, here's the longer and "serious" version of the heist in the original story. Fourth chapter, remember? And therefore, here's a little warning:
This chapter contains scenes not suitable for the soft and sensitive.
"You know how it's going. Go in, dominate and get it." Chris whispered as they stood outside in the sunlight and looked at the outer features of the bank.
"Understood..." his friends said.
"And Timer, you wait outside to keep the fishs in." Michael added.
"Copy." the man said.
Chris and Michael then entered the bank casually and looked around. Both of them were carrying bags, filled with their equipment...
A lot of ponies gave them weird or disapproving stares but they were only short timed. Since their arrival, all news were speaking of the humans and so the ponies in the bank were not surprised at all.
The Celestia Annual Bank is one of the biggest banks in all of Equestria. All nobles of Canterlot are having an account there and they mostly brag about how much money they have. The inside of the bank was not different from a bank from earth at all. There were desks, phones were ringing every once in a while and bank clerks were talking with the noble and rich ponies. Other ponies were sitting on benches and waiting for nothing particular.
Michael looked for possible guards and he spotted them. There were only two, one at the other end of the hall and one in the middle. Michael looked at Chris and cleared his throat. Chris understood the sign and went casually to the guard at the other end. The royal guard, who was a unicorn, took shortly notice of him but then kept his gaze at various pictures of the solar princess which were hanging on the walls.
Chris coughed and looked back to Michael. He smiled. That was the sign to start a scene...
They wore on their masks at the same time.
A mare yelped in shock as Chris suddenly spun around and sent a mighty kick at the guard's head. The pony fell over unconscious and Chris tied it's hooves together.
A group of ponies ran for the exit, but then Lee, who was waiting at the entrance, moved in front of them. He leveled up his KSP machine gun and elicited it's distinct clicking sound he loved so much.
"Where are you going?" Lee asked in a sing song voice. His smiling expression was obscured by his grinning clown mask, but there was no difference if someone would compare the grins. The ponies then moved backwards and whimpered as Lee hushed them back inside the bank.
The second guard -who was a earth pony- came rushing to Michael, but he stopped as the human aimed his weapon at him. "DON'T FUCKING MOVE! GET DOWN AND PUT YOUR HOOVES BEHIND YOUR BACK!"
The power in Michael's voice made the guard seizing in shock.
"HEY! I SAID GET DOWN ON YOUR ASS AND PUT YOUR FOREHOOVES BEHIND YOUR BACK!"
The guard followed suit as he thought it was better to listen to the human. He sat down on his haunches and moved his forehooves behind his back.
"One wrong move and you're dead!" Michael warned and tied the guard's hooves together with cable ties. Then he kicked the guard on his belly.
"DOWN! EAT THAT DIRT!" Lee shouted at some other ponies who attempted to get away from them. They whimpered and cowered on the ground in fear.
Michael walked to a corner of the bank and shouted for some ponies who were trying to hide under desks... and possibly alert the princess via sending a letter magically.
"HEY! Get the fuck over here!" Michael yelled and beckoned with his shotgun to move the ponies to the center of the hall. The ponies, albeit crying, trottet hurridly to said place.
"Down all of you, you freaking..."
Chris jumped on a desk and began speaking to the whimpering ponies while he held his JP36 rifle for everypony to see. "Listen up! This is a robbery. We wanna harm nopony. We are after the banks money, not yours. Your money is ensured by Equestria's government and you are not gonna lose one bit."
He jumped over to the next desk and continued. "Right now I want all of you lie down on the floor and put your forehooves behind your heads. Anypony feels sick and or having heart trouble go lean against something. If you have a foal with you, please cover it's eyes with your hooves. Think about your families and don't risk your lives. Don't try being a hero. Just shut up and stay down, and this will be over in no time."
All ponies followed his instructions without much hesitation. The elder ponies leaned against the desk but kept their hooves behind their heads. Chris then jumped to the ground.
"We need the keys for the vault." Michael whispered to Chris, who nodded in response. He then made his way over ponies to a pale white stallion with blue curly mane and mustache and clad in a smoking.
"Give me the keys." Chris said calmly, aiming down at the pony.
The pony stood up shakily, but said the wrong answere. "What keys?"
Instead of asking again, Chris punched his fist against the pony's jaw. The pony lost his monocle and fell down, holding his jaw in pain while he bled from his lips. All ponies gasped in fear at the shocking display of a pony being punched.
"DON'T SHITTY PLAY AROUND, HORSE MEAT! WHERE ARE THE FUCKING KEYS?!"
The pony pointed to a drawer at his desk, but saying nothing. Chris opened it and quickly found the keys. Smirking, he turned to the pony again "Thank you for your cooperation."
Chris walked back to Michael and gave him the keys. The man then walked over to the vault and opened it with the keys. The vaultroom was not very large. Uncountable briefcases decorated the walls, but there was a table, loaded with at least ten million worth of bits, both in coin and paper form. He strapped his shotgun on his back and brought out two bags out of his bag. He then filled the first few millions of bits into his own bag...
In the hall, the two remaining humans were keeping an eye to the horde of ponies. None of the ponies seemed to do anything than cowering, but it never hurts to be cautious.
"Hiqqup, you didn't start daydreaming." Lee said, but kept his gaze at the ponies.
"Yeah, after last night they won't occur ever again." Chris said and laughed shortly as he thought about how he had took care of this "problem"...
"Hey guys, first bag is ready. Timer, fill yours and then Hiqqup fill the last." Michael said as he walked out from the vault. His bag was filled to the brim with bits and it looked like it would rip open from the amount. Lee snickered shortly and disappeared in the vault, only to come out with one bag in each hand a few moments later. He has filled the last two bags by his own.
"Hiqqup, catch!" he threw one bag to Chris, who caught it with minor effort.
"Now let's get the hell out of here!" Michael said and walked to the exit.
"Keep your heads down and don't look at us, dammit!" Lee said as he passed by a few ponies who were looking up at them. Chris was directly behind him and made sure that no pony followed them. Before they went outside into the sunlight, they wore off their masks. Although this heist went over quickly, sweat rolled of their foreheads due of stress.
Chris began to laugh and shook his bag. "That was a fucking payday!"
But as they stepped through the door of the bank, they met the sun personally... and she was not very happy.
Stupid shit which did not manage to get into the story... Have fun!
"Tia! We are through and I motherfucking meant it!" Chris shouted as he tried to get away from Princess Celestia, who was wearing a fake nose and beard and rather large glasses.
"Then hit me! Let your hate out on me!" she shouted, tears streaming down her face.
"Is this some Sado-maso-bullshit or what?!"
She stopped crying and looked to the side sheepishly. "Maybeee..."
Chris facepalmed. "Turn around."
Celestia did so like she was told. Then Chris kicked as hard as he could into her flanks and she was sent flying somewhere...
"I must remind you... nobody can run away from a alicorn. They will always find you..." Nightmare Moon said while she was looking at Chris and Celestia making out behind the sofa.
There was the sound of a door closing and Nightmare turned to the source. She spotted Jason sitting in a Ford Focus Rally Car.
"But you can drive away!" with this words, he started the engine, shifted the gear and drove away. Nightmare Moon tried to gallop behind them, but Nicki Grist was telling Jason the pacenotes and so Jason managed to outrace Nightmare Moon...
Celestia reared up on her hindlegs and put her forehooves on Chris's shoulders. "Hold still..."
With this words, she eased her horn into his skull... it slided in like soap.
"Can you hear me, my love?" she asked telephatically.
She waited a few moments for his answere...
"Chris, can you hear me?"
Still no response...
Then realization hit her. She removed her horn from his skull and looked at him curiously. Then she said "I wish I could read your thoughts... but you don't have any."
Chris smirked like a complete idiot.
...after Sophie disappeared in the black hole, Chris brought out his iphone. "And now I want you to do something..."
"Oh, I know!" Celestia chimed and levitated the iphone in her magic. Then she concentrated and suddenly the iphone glowed in a menacing red before it got disintegrated.
"Done!" Celestia said smiling.
But Chris face changed from anticipation to pure shock. "What the fuck?! There were over two hundred pieces of music! And I have recently unlocked the last upgrade for the minigun in Dead Trigger! I just wanted you to charge it!"
"Oh no, I'm so sorry, I didn't know!" Celestia realized her mistake.
"What I should do now in my freetime?!" Chris whined.
"Any relationship has to be supported..." Chris thought as he walked through the hallways to Celestias room.
He decided to give in the relationship and become Celestias lover. After a fun night, they confessed their immortal love bond to each other.
But he thought he did not supported her enough, so he must do this special exercise.
He then walked into her room to her bathroom and opened the door in one swift move.
"COME ON TIA! YOU CAN DO IT! JUST PRESS! COME ON! YOU ARE MY TIA!" Chris yelled at Celestia who was currently sitting on the toilet.
"What the buck, Crystal? I'm taking a horseapple here!" she shrieked and shoved him outside with her magic.
Jason Storm stormed into his house after the unpleasent meeting with Nightmare Moon... but the unpleasent part was one-sided and it was for the mare.
After taking a sniff at his armpits and almost falling over unconscious, he deciced to take a shower.
While the water ran down upon him, he felt the unnerving feeling of being watched, like in Big Brother. But he shrugged it off and continued showering.
Suddenly, he felt that hooves were washing his hair and he spun around...
Nothing but air.
He shook his head annoyed and began washing his hair by his own.
A black hoof made his way through between his legs.
He yelled in shock and turned around. Nightmare Moon stood there in front of him and grinned sheepishly.
"I just want my nuts before we separate." she said...
She grabbed a bag of peanuts which were inside the shower (WTF?!) and headed out of the room. Jason shook his head again and ended his showering. He went sleeping to bed without being sexual molested or disturbed in any other way.
To make you disappointed, he never saw her again. But rumors are saying she signed a contract for a role in the Lord Of The Rings movies to play as Gollum.
Jason's mother is dead. His last hope broke apart. Albeit his mother was not the mother of the year, she was still his mother.
Who were these guys who broke into his house? Okay, the SAS participated to them and after they destroyed everything in his house, they partied hard in the living room.
Jason need answeres. And also Nightmare Moon. Those people found out about her, but how?
After they googled what A.M.A. meant -Armacham Magical Adventures-, they headed to the headquarter of the company.
If you would only hear what happened, you would hear at first bulletproof armor being dressed on, then weapons loaded and locked. Then Jason would turn to Nightmare Moon and said the propably last words if they fail...
