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Twilight was sure she could succeed in watching Sugarcube Corner. Easy, right?
However, the robotic toys left with Twilight, are the only dark part of this happy sweet store, left with a telephone call, doors, and a security camera, can Twilight stay alive?
Mild cussing.
Based on indie horror game, Five Nights At Freddies.
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*Five nights at Freddy's
Haven't read it yet, but I like ponies and FNAF so...
5329797
Fixed it. Thank you.
You really need an editor man. So many grammatical and spelling errors, I'd do it but I can't be bothered right now to point them all out.
The writing is...also kind of weird. It feels more like action and reaction, rather than giving me a perspective on Twilight's feelings about the whole ordeal.
5329854
Don't have time to point out the errors? I'll look for an editor.
This was kind of in a view, to make it seem that she's speaking to the audience, sort of like a gamplay, if you would like me to add some more thoughts in there, I will..
5329860 All you have to do is ask. Unless you didn't like my edits on your other story.
5329860
That "However" is really clunky and breaks your sentence flow. It doesn't seem to fit in with the words around it. You'd need to re-word that whole thing. Also a random space before the word "However."
Comma after Twilight shouldn't be there.
You should put a period after store and capitalize the L in left.
There's an extra space at the beginning of the paragraph. That's not an indent.
That comma followed by "and" is a pretty big break in your sentence flow. Just remove the comma and it should read fine.
Another extra space and you put the word "a" in there randomly, when that comma should actually be the letter M to make the word "am."
GRAAH. Those commas are pauses for anyone with a reading level past elementary school, and my brain forces me to halt at every single one.
doing a favor for Pinkie, *pause* to watch her house for the night, *pause* since she had a date to go on, *pause* so she couldn't be home, *pause* and I am more than happy to watch the house for her.
If you need to take a break in the middle of the sentence, just make it two separate sentences. You don't need to shove all your thoughts into a single sentence.
I could keep going, but I'm not your editor.
Yes, it needs kelp.
I was about to put "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees here because I saw "can Twilight stay alive?"
I then noticed that, if I were to do so, people would stone me. I mean to say, I will have my head and wrists put into a wooden board and have rocks or tomatoes thrown at me.
5329897
When I said ''look for an editor'' who would I ask other than you? maybe I worded that wrong, but also I feared that perhaps you were busy, I have no idea of what your schedule is, and I didn't want to CONSTANTLY ask you and bother you for edits, sorry I mean I would love for you to edit, but I don't want to have it ruin your everyday schedule, I worry about these things, I feel bad for pestering you for an edit every two or three weeks, for an edit. So, I guess, I have to ask, are you comfortable when I ask you every two weeks..
If your wondering why I'm so hyper about these things, cause I really hate just pestering people..
5329976 I might not be able to get to it very first thing, but if you don't ask I won't be able to do it at all. Even if I have the time. I'll send you a PM.
5330000
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Uuuuuuuu what happens to twilight... Cause in Five Nights at Freddie's the animatronics mistake you for an endoskeloton ,or what not, without it's costume on outside of the maintenance area and the guy says that's ageist the rules so they try to... Correct that... And you get the picture hopefully cause... Just listen to the first security guy yourself in the game, anyway at least he explains what happens if you get caught, so what happened to twi?
Liked this a lot.
Good job and did twi die at the end?
5331609
5331357
The fate of Twilight rests on you patiently waiting for the next chapter, and reading it..
Shouldn't it be "Tartarus" and not "hell" ? And "Celestia" or "Luna" instead of "god", that the equestrian unicorn mare should say?
Did you just kill off Twilight?
Congratulations Twilight. You'll have night terrors for the whole weekend.
your just basically a lazy freakin writer here i mean honestly come on murdurous dolls of all the fredy characters im guessing there will also be the apperance of golden freddy as well
5409080
How am I lazy though?
Grammar? Rushed? What?
If you don't like FNAF stuff, then I'm sorry, I can't help you.
yes you rushed these parts not looking at other works i mean really come on i think your making pinkie out to be a freakin killer here when we all know perfectly well she wuld never hurt a childs hair thAT is unless you watched the witchcraft is magic series of shows offf of youtube
5412227
Which part did I rush?
How do you know Pinkie's a killer in this story?
Nothing said she was.
yes im saying you rushed it all a bit which makes me a bit sad
why becausse it still unique i wwould have used someone other than pinkie as the phone guy because that instaly makes her guilty for killing kids with a rusty nife and stuffing them inside of suits
because i d think you d have played the game even once that the phone guy was the killer and the one who actually got fired was someone else
5351682
No, that would make to much sense.
5329976
You know you can have two editors. I could give some help. I have been trying to help people fix some of the grammar mistakes.
5329976
5329903
*slaps hand* I'll take over.
The wind in my mane?
You indent some paragraphs but not others. Just makes your writing look a tad neater.
As a real security guard I don't enter buildings with questions but rather statements regrading observation. But that's just me, write how you want.
Not sure what that's meant to be. I suggest re-wording.
Wall-O-Text ahoy!
Yea bro. Make like a police officer and break up this word rally.
I suggest adding what a character is thinking as they're listening to the message or some background stuff you could add into make the story a tad more suspenseful.
1. Accepted.
2. Don't be too angry with me.
3. First: No pony. Second: No pony has managed to do a good job.
4. "Well you hope" not sure what you're trying to say.
5. At
6. Not sure what you're trying to say.
7. Trail off with periods ummm... Yea! Something like that.
Also Pinkie should get her money back for that security system. In no way should locked doors drain the battery unless they're reed switches. And even then the system should have a UPS to prevent such a problem.
1. Shut too long.
2. Or you'll lose power.
Show don't tell.
Space
Were
If I could nitpick some more. The only REALLY big problem is your run on sentences, you're using a comma to break up everything, even where a period should be used, or if you're feeling adventurous a semi-colen. <see what I mean.
The only REALLY big problem is your run on sentences. You're using a comma to break up everything; even where a peroid should be used, or if you're feeling adventurous a semi-colen.
Not the best example on my part. But you get the idea. Also you need to work on breaking up paragraphs. A paragraph for a single thought.
Regarding dialogue: you can add in the feelings of the respondee or background information you want the reader to focus on (or to hide the intent of what a pony is saying).
Also when trailing off with periods there needs to be three in a row. I don't know why but it's how you do it... I think.. Not like that.
Also an exclamation mark followed by a question mark isn't usually necessary. You can do it if you want, it just looks weird.
Finally: More than one exclamation mark is excessive. There's no need for it. Same with the question marks.
I'm not trying to be harsh. You're a good writer and you've got some nice stories. I just like offering advice.
Luna's going to be busy that's for sure
Why was it cancelled?
