Being the best of friends is the best gift you can have in life, and for two, feelings unknown for life-long friends arise.
Merry Early Christmas, everybody!
(first FlutterDash)
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 3rd Oct, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 7th, 2021
Ribe_FireRain
Mental instability at its finest and aspiring punk rock musician. PS: Buy a creator a coffee to keep him awake? https://ko-fi.com/firerain
Ribe_FireRain
Joined 3rd Oct, 2013 ·
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Well shoot. I wrote a really lengthy comment that was lost because I waited too long before posting it. That won't stop me from doing it again though!
This story was really sweet. There were some things I really liked, (the second to last paragraph being one of those things,) and some things I thought could use a little more detail, but all in all, it more than earns my rating of approval.
"Rainbow leaned close to Fluttershy, blushing as she quietly pressed her lips to hers, the taste of the multi-flavour candy canes still lingering there, adding a beautiful bliss to the moment."
God, I love this. Was the Sugarcube Corner scene written solely for this sentence? Because if it was, it was totally worth it. Not that the Sugarcube Corner bit would be unwelcome otherwise.
However... There are more than a few mistakes. To start, the word 'of' is used in place of 'have' three times in this story.
"They must of been like four."
"At some point, they must of fallen asleep whilst looking through the book,"
"Could this of been her way of letting her know?"
Other mistakes include:
"telling he to come in." her.
"But more of all," should be 'most'
"Below the picture, written on the border was two best friends forever.She giggled softly at it." A space is needed before 'She'
"'I-Its just that...it's snowing outside...'" missing an apostrophe. Should be "It's"
And during dialogue when using ellipses, (three dots) there should always be a space after the ellipses. Like this: "'I was... m-maybe thinking that i-if you don't wanna stay down here, you could... um... sleep with me?'"
There's also this, "As much as Rainbow wanted to be held by her like before, she didn't want it to jeopardize the friendship they have had for so long. Since they were filly's, Rainbow has had a bit of a crush on her without her knowing, and even she has had suspision on Fluttershy about her liking her back in the same way. Could this of been her way of letting her know?" which has quite a lot of problems. 'Have' and 'has' should both either be changed to the past-tense version of 'had,' or preferably changed to a different past-tense verb altogether, because having two cases of 'had had' back-to-back would be a little jarring and possibly confusing. Suspicion in spelled incorrectly, and the entire sentence it belongs to is just... I don't even know what it is... Honestly, I'd just rewrite that sentence if I were you.
Let me know when you've fixed these so I can remove this unsightly wall of text.
I wouldn't call it unsightly, it seems rather warranted. I agree with most of what you said, even if you beat me to corrections
5283652 There wouldn't be much use in keeping the corrections posted after FireRain removes the errors from from the story. (provided that he/she actually does.) It'll just be clutter after that happens.
I'll still keep the actual comment part of the comment, but the corrections won't need to stay.
5283801 Eh I can see the point behind that. Assuming he/she ever does remove them then you're right, it would just be clutter. This was a cute fic, but the errors were kind of an eyesore. That reminds me, speaking of eyesores I just read a FlutterDash based on Shrek is Love Shrek is Life.... I think I need eye bleach... and brain bleach... maybe a lobotomy....
AHHH THE FEELS MAKING ME CRY!
TO CUTE
This story, now with an almost-professionnal-but-not-really review! Go read it!
Or not!
Shameless self-promoting!
OMG... THE CUTENESS... IT'S TOO MUCH!!!!!
DYING OF AN ADORABLENESS ATTACK...... GAHHHHHHHHHHFHHDJSKSNDKS *dead*
Bro, this was perfect! You should strongly consider writing a second part to wrap this up.
Stories like this one deserve it. You sir, get a brohoof.
9/10.
:)
5345222
Thanks...talk about flattering... :3
5345310 I meant every word of it.
but i was serious when i said. Write a second part! I feel that it wasnt complete. :(
You are a natural at this.
5345381 As tempting as it may be, that would probably ruin the course of the story. It was a one shot idea I had in my head and it is fine the way it is. Sorry to say it, but there is no ideal plan for a second story plot.
5345386 how about a sequel?
5345486 Same thing. No possible place to go with it. I may actually move on to FlutterDash though. I like them both to be honest.
5345556 well if you insist.
But maybe you could write another flutterdash xmas story? Like... Setting is a few days before christmas and Dashie is trying to find the perfect gift for fluttershy, she finds one but had a present that was much more special. Herself.
Thats just my idea... That you could maybe take up on?
5346982. Maybe. Doesn't seem as fitting. I already got an idea.