- Member Since 7th Nov, 2014
- offline last seen Apr 13th, 2020
Malice In Wonderland
"Eternal chaos comes with chocolate rain, you guys. CHOCOLATE RAIN!!!!" I don't know about any of you, but I'm rooting for eternal chaos. GO DISCORD!!
Sequels1
-
Malice In Wonderland · 27k words · 29 6 · 569 views
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Malice In Wonderland · 27k words · 29 6 · 569 views
- Acoustic Pulse · 4.8k words · 20 2 · 848 views
- VioletPony · 1.5k words · 31 9 · 2.3k views
- Malice In Wonderland · 1.9k words · 28 7 · 1.6k views
- Malice In Wonderland · 4.5k words · 17 27 · 645 views
- Sapphire Rose 12 · 4.5k words · 50 3 · 3.6k views
- nobody_in_particular · 11k words · 21 3 · 853 views
- FlufferNutters · 2.2k words · 40 3 · 1.6k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.15 seconds
Total duration
1,014 users online
1,767,214 hits today, 2,123,720 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Wow. That is creepy. I like it. Wow. Just wow. I need to think now. Good luck.
Despite the fact I'm not a fan of horror, THIS WAS AWESOME a can't wait till chapter 2!!!
5275791
5275800
Wow thanks! This is my very first fan fiction ever. I'm so glad that at least someone likes it, thanks so much!!
5275831 it was great. It made two ponies with psychosis plot their evil murdering plans together! How could it not be! Btw, you did better than my first. I failed once submitting it for bad grammar. It's also just jumbled dialog.
Well then...
This will be interesting.
I tried to look at the story and read it, but it didn't work out. I ended up just skipping information to get to particular parts that seems more important. Sadly, even if I didn't do that, the story still seemed to be partially rushed. It bothered me immensely to see the substantial amount of grammatical errors, for there were commas, and grammar errors everywhere I looked. I would have pointed them all out, but if I did, this comment would be longer than I need it to be to get through this without fully grading this story without fully reading it. Anyways, the characterization was of par; however, the dialogue was kind of short, which caused the characterization to go less noticed. Since this isn't a full-blown horror story, it isn't bad, but if it was, the characterization would have been a problem. It's most preferred to double-space your paragraphs rather than single-space-tab, for it looks wordy and less pleasurable to read when it appears before the reader as a wall of text.
To point out, as a personal opinion, I dislike the description and cover page of this story when combined together because it ends up only telling me how the story is pretty much going to go. Whenever there is a question in a description, I would much rather find out through reading the story than looking at the cover art and making an almost accurate assumption as to how the story will boil down to. Also, you did a lot of telling and nearly no showing, which explains for the hastiness of the story; having an equal amount of 'showing and telling' in the right areas will make the story more appealing and interesting to read.
As far as the story in itself, when not looking from my stand point, it has potential and does spark forth an interest in which would entice readers to become unassumingly attracted to the story; on the other hand, due to the problems in which I see in the story, it can be a bit of a bother to read. I'd rather not tell you my opinion on the story because it will only create messes bigger than 9/11. I will leave it at that and get on my way. Thank you for the story, and hope to find later progression.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, Fort Impression On Everypony
5275932
Thank you for the constructive criticism. I really do appreciate it, but i honestly don't think i did that bad. Now, I'm not disagreeing with everything you're saying but I now realize that I need to improve my writing style. Again, thank you.
5275947 No problem, I guess. I would highly suggest getting a proofreader or an editor.
It's looking pretty solid, though I would suggest you get an editor to fix up any mistakes. (Wouldn't mind helping you out if you needed it.) :)
To be honest I loved it. It had all the right settings and all the side stories to the original cupcakes. Hope you make the next chapter soon
If Pinkie turns into Pinkamina, then Cheese Sandwich should turn into Grilled Cheese
Lets see.
It is ok at worst and best. I think I can already see the future of this story, which I am going to guess is Cheese and Pinkie become the My Little Pony version of Bonnie and Clyde. You writing feels rushed and it is very easy to guess what happens next, even if your characters don't hint at it. You did do a good job on describing the torture room though, so props to that, and you mentioned that Pinkie loved killing Gilda, and wanted to murder another griffon for nomnom cupcakes.
As I mentioned about the rushed part, you say this will happens, it does, and then right after the characters just leave. Example, when Pinkie showed Cheese the room. He was happy he wasn't alone in his demonic fetish of killing ponies, Pinkie was also happy, a very small dialog on Gilda, then boom. Ends the chapter right after that with Pinkie feeling sleepy. I am going to admit when I say, it can be hard to make these parts seem less rushed. You want to write it, it will be so fun, right? Well, maybe reread, triple read, see where you goofed, or add where you feel it is needed.
I hoped that help, and remember, try to add a twist into this, that will defiantly help with the, "we the readers know what is going to happen." part.
(plot twists could be random pregnancy, the cake twins join them, ah, imagination!)
Well.......that's just fantastic, not like I was planning on sleeping tonight anyway...or ever again.
5276987 GENIUS
WHAT i thought i did the first Pinkie and freddy realationship!
5276987 That is GENIUS!
5277940
NO NOT FREDDY ANYTHING BUT FREDDY FAZBEAR ENTERTAINMENT! XD grilled cheese really? come one people be more creative than that. whatever still that cover art O_O
This outta be interesting
Not bad.... but one thing I always want to know when it comes to "Cupcakes Pinkamena" is what caused her to torture and murder ponies in the first place.
Great job! The detail is exceptional. It Actully scares me. I can even feel my liver XD. But yeah, great job.
Great job, I see you got an editor, *Wink*
DAT DETAIL!!!!!
I'll be here (:
PLOT TWIST! YES!!!!!
Dem feels doh.
O.o
Uhhh... WHAAT~?
PLOT TWIST!! Awesome~! I was expecting three words, but that works too.
It's a long way to Richmond
Rolling north on 95
With a redhead right beside me (My mane's fuchsia, silly filly)
And a pistol by my side
Tearin' down that highway
Like a modern day Bonnie and Clyde
- Travis Tritt
5758736 Really starting to love this story even more! Rarity is really optimistic at least
You are being really productive lately! Its good to see this all coming out so fast.
I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEXT CHAPTER
Thank you
This is going AMAZINGLY!!!!
5769865
No, thank you
i have been following this story since yesterday but I have been checking it every hour like "IS IT UP YET?" great job! cant wait for more!
.....................impressive........................
That joke in the very last paragraph though XD.
5798295 Yeah...
5799058 you troll
in a good, funny way.
5799096 thnx, I try
Oh, the amazingness. And srsly, that joke in the last sentence.
5799488 I know and if you noticed how me and Danthebronyman were just rippin on that one earlier...yeah...
Leave it to Pinkie to put some 'nice' ingredients in the cupcakes. I love the new chapter, short, but still awesome.
If you need more ideas, shoot me a PM. I'm sure my insane mind can find some ideas!
Wait, if Pinkie turns her victims into cupcakes, then what does Cheese Sandwich turn his victims into?
Funny.
This story is getting better and better! The filly is going to be adorable!!!
Wow, this is getting really good. Oh, and I love the little filly's name, it is super cute.
Keep up the great work, you're doing amazing!
WOW...
You should have pinkie adopt sweetie and applebloom, and have her teach them her "tools of trade." God I'm a sic person XD
YESH ITS GETTING DARKER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean um... Its amazing.
Alright. Ponyville, you need to lock up your doors and windows.