Graduation day is upon CHS, and Sunset Shimmer has some unfinished business she must attend to before she leaves the school for good. Sadly, it's a lot harder than she thought it was. Fortunately, Twilight Sparkle is there, and she's more than willing to lend a helping hand.
This is my first fic I'm publishing to this site, so feel free to rip it to shreds. Not gonna improve otherwise. ^^
Proof read by Dementia Ravenmane. Thanks, man!
Edited by JumbledThought. Thanks!
Also, a massive thank you to Pearple Prose, who helped me create a structure and edited for me while I was writing. Couldn't have written this without you.
Chapters (1)
This was a pretty solid start, though it felt a bit rushed. Looking forward to where you take this.
Excellent job, I noticed an incomplete looking forward to more!
redemption is one first step for fallen students
I just love it when people say that. Now I get to be as mean as I want and I won't feel bad about it
I'm going to have to assume that Sunset is just exaggerating here because she's freaking out. A graduating class of 1000 is really large. Especially since what we've seen of CHS suggests that there aren't more than a few hundred students there at all, if that. Apparently they were all able to fit into the cafeteria for one lunch period at least.
If she's including family members, other students, teachers, and other people who came to watch the graduation but who aren't graduating themselves, the number could easy reach 1000, but then she should say "people," not "kids."
This is, in my opinion, quite possibly the worst habit that authors in this site have developed. There is a time and a place for flashbacks, but this isn't it. There's no reason why you couldn't have just started the story with the sleepover and moved these four paragraphs at the beginning of the story to after it.
Nine bottles in a few minutes? I think you're overdoing Rainbow's cider obsession there. Just go and try to drink nine bottles of anything in just a few minutes and tell me how that works out for you.
Random 1 sitting there.
Does Rarity not realize that Twilight is in the room with them? Or have she and Flash finally gotten over each other?
Again, you're really overdoing Rainbow's cider obsession. I can't tell for sure if that cider is supposed to be alcoholic, but if it is, then this is really, really bad. Like, "forget whatever the rest of this story was going to be about, now it's about having an intervention for Rainbow Dash because she'll be dead by the end of the night if we don't" bad.
And there's a random period after "Pinkie" that shouldn't be there.
Okay, this is just my opinion here, but I have two problems with this. First, I am personally of the opinion that humanland is Sunset's home now and that she should stay there, but I don't really mind you seeing it differently. More importantly though is the second problem: What about humanSunset? Canon still hasn't explained what happened to her, of course, but she must still be around somewhere. And to me, this really sounds like this means that she doesn't have any meaning either.
To me, this seems like Twilight isn't really trying to help Sunset. She should at least look at what Sunset has written before tossing out some advice and walking away. Sunset could have written a list, for all she knows.
This is a really awkwardly worded sentence. I'm pretty sure that no one actually talks like that. And I also think that your missing a word or two in the first half of the sentence.
It would sound much better as something like "And now, I would like to [give the stage to/turn the mic over to/something like that] your representative for the year, who will share a few words with you."
Not really. Sunset did have them beaten and separated for several years before Twilight showed up.
This metaphor doesn't really make sense. What cracks?
Again, they kind of did.
"Suspect" and "definitely" contradict each other here. It's like saying "probably definitely" or that "sixty percent of the time, all the time" quote people love. It doesn't really make sense.
And you left of the quotation mark at the end.
Jumping back a bit, Sunset didn't include an apology in her speech.
"A fire effect?" That makes it sound like her mane looked like it was actually on or made of fire. Either leave that part off or say something like "a red and yellow mane reminiscent of a fire" or "a mane the colors of a fire."
Now let's go back and look at the description.
What unfinished business? Giving a speech? That's not really what I would call unfinished business. Maybe you meant giving one last apology? Because once again, she didn't really do that. Or could you have meant finally reconciling with Celestia? Twilight did actually help with that one, at least, but she did it after she left CHS.
So now what? Is the story over? It's marked "incomplete," but everything in the description has happened and been resolved, and the story does seem to have reached a point at which it could end. I think pretty much anything you add after this might work better as a separate story, unless maybe you just add a part where Sunset and Celestia make amends and Sunset figures out what she's going to do for the rest of her life, but unless it's really extensive, I don't think it would work too well as its own chapter.
So overall, the story is decent, though perhaps a bit lacking in substance. Pretty good for a first story though. But I definitely recommend that, at the very least, you make some changes to Sunset's speech, and consider changing the description a bit too.
And a thought just occurred to me: After you rework Sunset's speech to actually include an apology, consider adding a line or two after the speech where Sunset says something about there being someone else who she still needs to apologize to, and then you cut to the scene with Celestia.
Finally, I would like to note that I am incredibly amused by the ad that fimfiction put at the bottom of this story, which is warning against underage drinking. I think this is rather appropriate, given Rainbow's only actions in the story.
Interesting start. Looking forward to seeing where this is going.
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/400958/oops
OOPS
Not too shabby, there. I liked Sunset coming back to Equestria at the end, there.
I am confused as to how the cider seems like it's being portrayed as alcoholic here. The Equestria Girls setting is in the USA (as evidenced by all the bills being green in the shorts) so part of the standard definition for just cider is "non-alcoholic" & Americans wouldn't legally be allowed to drink alcohol until they turn 21, which they wouldn't be at High School graduation unless they got held back a few years. & if the cider isn't alcoholic in the story, why does it kind of seem like it is?
I like the idea of Sunset coming back; even just to visit. To reconcile with Celestia, if nothing else...
Edit:
There should probably be a quotation mark at the end of her speech there. Also, seconding the contradictory qualifiers. If she suspects it, it's not definite.
A nice little touching story. The characters seemed spot on, though their dialogue was rough at times. An example would be Twilight addressing Celestia by her first name only. That is something I have yet to see Twilight actually do.
Other than that, I have to say I liked reading this story. Good on Sunset Shimmer!
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Greetings, citizen. As thou knowest wherefore I am here, I shall forgo opening pleasantries and instead get right to the chase, as ‘twere.
After reading thy fic, I deduced that it contained significantly fewer issues than the average story; as such, the following review may seem particularly nit-picky. Do keep in mind that ‘tis not because the work is of poor quality—far from it—but instead because I believe thou seekest places where the writing could improve. Therefore, my goal here is to point out such places, regardless of how damning the actual item is.
With that said, let us away into the long description.
To begin, I believe thou shouldst write out the school’s name, rather than using initials. Give it a proper introduction so that thou canst be sure that the reader hath grasped what the initials stand for.
Next, in this and other descriptions where one of the goals is to attract a reader’s attention, do thine utmost to avoid boring verbs, in this case conjugations of “to be”. These verbs are not active and thus do not leap out and give the story a vibrant feel.
Then there is a case of repetition. Thy second and third sentences both begin with an adverb followed by a comma. Such repetitious prose threateneth to pull the reader from the story and make her aware of the actual writing; ‘tis not so bad a problem in a description, but I still feel it worthy of note.
Now for the story proper.
Thine opening paragraph is a block of dialogue with neither dialogue tags nor any sort of narration to ground the reader. ‘Tis certainly acceptable to lead off with dialogue, but be wary not to let the character speak for too long without narration. This particular dialogue is not truly attributed to anyone until two-thirds of the way through the story. Thy reader should at least know who speaketh.
Thou shalt recall my earlier warning about repetition. Here, thou usest the word “thought” twice in relatively quick succession. I realize that one is a verb and the other a noun, but that mattereth not.
Also take note that there is a space missing after a question mark. I did not notice this until after I pasted the dialogue into a word processor, as the error is covered up by a line-break in the story.
This introduction seemeth to expect the reader to already know who “the seven of them” actually are. I know thou proceedest to name Twilight’s friends and Sunset, but ‘tis jarring nonetheless.
Is Twilight doing so on her own with no prompting, or is Fluttershy asking Twilight to explain these terms? Both scenarios provide different characterizations and lend the interaction between Twilight and Fluttershy different meanings.
Applejack just brought the cider into the room, so when did Rainbow have a chance to drink the first three? If thou wishest to indicate that Rainbow drinketh quickly, then thou needest describe it as such, or providest narrative wherein Rainbow quaffeth the bottles. Details are important.
I am further curious as to what Sunset is actually writing. If thou wishest to keep it a secret, then fine, but at least provide some sort of context that clueth the reader in to the fact that ‘tis a graduation speech. She knoweth what ‘tis, as well as Twilight and most likely the other girls. This information should not be completely shrouded.
Dost thou recognize the repetition in this passage? “Sunset looked at this and this. Sunset felt this. [Dialogue] Sunset scored this.” Keep in mind that I ask thee not to use purple prose as a substitution for names, but rather to use more pronouns. If this leadeth to confusion as to who the pronoun referreth to, then rearrange the prose so that the confusion is lifted.
Kindly provide some context for this. Wherefore would she get queasy?
Following this, we learn that the cider is, in fact, alcoholic. I cannot objectively complain about this, but I find myself skeptical. These girls do not seem the types to partake in underage drinking, at least not without showing hesitation or feeling some small modicum of doubt. I particularly cannot believe that Twilight would be perfectly content to let Rainbow drink herself into a stupor.
That second-to-last period should be a comma.
Recall my earlier warning regarding conjugations of “to be”. I urge thee to avoid them whenever possible, as is the case here. “Sunset was once again finding” could become “Once again, Sunset found”. “Her mind was drifting” could become “Her mind drifted”. The latter of each example ringeth much more strongly in mine ears and shall do a far better job of keeping the reader’s interest.
I appreciate how, in the first two sentences, thou providest description of their actions. The reader can see what Rarity and Sunset look like as they speak. However, I wish thou wouldst do so for the two lines following. There is certain to be some sort of body language from Rarity, who would likely be either surprised or confused.
Thou hast either an extra comma or period after Pinkie (methinks ‘tis the period), and the period after “cheating” should be a comma.
When did they turn on the video game? Thou expectest the reader to already know this, by the way this passage is worded.
On the other hand, this detail is too specific. Thou canst “dumb it down” a bit.
The dialogue between Twilight and Sunset in this scene is too sparse when it cometh to narration. Tell the reader what they are doing as they talk. Is Sunset frowning? Is she rolling her eyes? Mayhaps she yawneth, or some such. Paint the picture; otherwise, they are just sitting there staring straight ahead as they speak.
These two dialogue tags clash; I suggest only having one dialogue tag per paragraph, but certainly only one per line. Further, “yelling into the microphone” is likely not what thou meanest. I can see Celestia speaking enthusiastically, or even raising her voice, but yelling is too much. ‘Twould deafen everybody in the audience.
To remain consistent with earlier examples of Sunset’s inner dialogue, put “showtime” in italics. Also, the period following it should be a comma.
I would also describe what Sunset seeth. Can she see the audience, or are the bright lights blinding her so that she can only see a black void from which the applause emanateth?
Provide just a bit more evidence that Twilight hath returned to Equestria and is again a pony.
In the final scene, when Sunset returneth, the beginning of the scene is told from Twilight’s perspective. However, thou writest the final line from Sunset’s. Thou needest remain consistent with thy perspective. Mayhaps Twilight noticeth Sunset staring at her, eyes watering, but with a wide, wobbling grin on her face. Or, mayhaps the entire scene is from Sunset’s perspective as, hidden from Celestia’s view, she watcheth Twilight.
I did enjoy this story; ‘tis a delightful look into Sunset’s change and her search for some sort of redemption. There is unfortunately very little of her original personality, which I would expect to be present in some form. Mayhaps a little arrogance or a tendency to get defensive with relatively little provocation, but that is a small complaint.
Thou canst see above where I noted that the story requireth more description or more narration. The dialogue, relatively long conversations in particular, lacketh a great deal of context, so that the speakers seem more to be talking heads. Do thine utmost to provide further description of facial expressions, body language, or even actions the characters take as they speak. This giveth the dialogue a more organic feel, as though ‘tis but a part of a larger story, rather than the only thing happening at that time.
Do also keep thine eyes open for cases of repetition. I noted the most egregious example above, but there were similar cases throughout the story. These are not always easy to find; thou shouldst note this to thine editor(s) so that they know what to watch out for.
I have naught else significant to say about this story, other than well done. Kindly keep up the good work and continue to produce quality works like this, even as thou continuest to improve thy skills. I wish thee the best of luck with thy future endeavors, author. Fare thee well.
Here is that long-promised review from the Pleasant Comment and Review Group.
Any questions, comments, and/or concerns, please feel free to PM.
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