neokiva
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okay, i have a few complaints. what international company did this "whitehawk" inherit? is whitehawk even a real name? and i feel like these bronies are being a little racist but without race being involved. not everyone that isn't a brony is anti-brony. i know plenty of non brony people that are okay with bronies in general. this is just before the first page break as well. more to come after i finish this chapter.
5285722 ah that's my fault for not explaining properly, these anti-bronies are terrorists, killers they have actually done reprehensible things, the worlds governments have fallen in with them in an attempt to steal a power source from us without getting directly involved. The governments don't hate bronies and neither do civilians (excluding those directly connected to the anti-bronies)
5285722 as for Whitehawk being a name yes and no. it's more a direct translation of the Gaelic name Gawain which is the old form of Gavin you see Gavin is not really conducive to a pony name so i went with the original meaning.
5285741 well then that all needs to be explained in the story. i have to say that i like the idea behind this but what really throws me off is how ludicrous some of the ideas in here are. how does one company fund an entire city? how do you have to prove that you're a brony to stay there? your storytelling needs more work but i expect that to get better as you write more. for example, compare my first two stories to my latest story. it gets better over time. try to do some practice writing in between writing your stories on here. maybe a few one shots, different perspectives (first person, second person, third person) even just writing out small scenes once in a while helps. and if you ever need a proofreader to look over your chapters before you release them i'll gladly help you out.
5285776 thanks i'll take any help i can get
5285776 once i get enough feedback that isn't grammar or spelling i might do a rewrite of this chapter.
5285779 Don't worry about it. I'm the one that's supposed to do all the worrying!
5285784 I just hope your not an octaviscratch shipper (i personally love the ship too) as well she's going to be in this but it wont be as vinyls lover.
5285792 you use a fuck ton of commas, pardon my language. and i feel like octascratch is overused.some stories do it well but in others there's no rhyme or reason other than jumping on the bandwagon. it makes me dissappointed that the majority of shipping stories for those two are for them being shipped with eachother.
5285799 lol sorry about the commas my editor tries his best bless his heart, as for octyscratch well they are friends and that is it. but a ship does involve miss vinyl :3
this is a great story, keep it up. may you gain the light's blessings.
5286001 thank you :)
5286006 no problem. so what do you think about chrysalis?
5286021 honestly it depends on the story, for example im alright with the flufflepuff version it's kind of adorable. but there are depictions i don't like for instance i absolutely loathed the one in the series and the comic.
Okay, I'm kinda glad I muscled through this. It got better near the end. I'm gonna say I'm... ambivalent on this fic. Not the alicorn part, I'm not one of those who instantly hates alicorn OCs, but the premise. Well, the execution of the premise. Flying continent is fine with the appropriate application of psuedoscience and handwaving, but flying continent able to traverse land, under land, sea, air and space while housing a supporting millions funded, designed and built in five years? Not to mention apparently becoming recognized as an independent nation and finding the resources to make and supply that beast (did they buy an island and dig it out of the ground?)? Yeah... that's a bit of a strain on the suspension of disbelief.
I'm also not quite sure what was with the medieval weaponry and armour. The swords, meh fine, cool and all, but the metal cuirass and leather-wear when they are running around with nanites and nuclear weapons?
Anyway, aside from those (admittedly sorta major but surmountable on a reader's part), I like the idea behind the story; near future nation of idealist banded together under their dreams, forced by circumstances to leave on an even riskier venture, finding Equestria, their leader being changed to the form of an alicorn, as several local leaders are. I'll be tracking this. Not a like or dislike yet (I'll wait for another chapter or two), but the story idea is good so far.
5285741
5285770
If I tried to explain why this premise makes no sense, we would literally be here for hours, so I'm just going to sum it up in the following points:
(A) There is no way on Earth that there would be enough people madly and violently devoted to killing bronies to form an operable terrorist cell, particularly on the scale you're talking about.
(B) Do you have any idea how international politics works, or did you just use Call of Duty as a reference point? Contrary to popular opinion, the United States isn't a sole, out numbered action hero valiantly defending themselves from an onslaught of the foreign hordes. I can think of only very few countries that genuinely want to bring the U.S. to its knees as a majority opinion of the population, and almost all of them are not able to field the sort of force you're talking about.
(C) Can we stop with the non-brony counter hate already? I mean, guys, real talk- and this is addressing a large chunk of the fandom- there is a huge difference between someone not liking a show you like, someone hating a show you like, and someone disliking you because you like a show. Most people fall under the first category. Most people who don't like the show don't hate it, they just aren't really interested in it. Even then, the people who honestly do hate the show will rarely say, "You know what? I hate this work of fiction so much that I am going to dedicate my life to persecuting it and making its fandom's lives a living hell!" I have never met anyone like that. So, new writers especially, stop displaying the majority of non-bronies in a light as though they are irredeemable Nazi assholes who only love to torture bronies.
(D) The sole thing I saw that I thought could have been fun to play with is the names. I've always found language and using it to name characters interesting, and the idea of using Gavin in its historical context seemed interesting to me, especially given its origins in Gaelic. That said, if Whitehawk didn't suit the pony form, then name him Gavin and then when he makes pony contact, he can change his name to White Hawk (I suggest the space for grammatical accuracy) to make it more understandable. That way we don't have a human with the bloody name Whitehawk.
If I keep ranting about this, we're going to be stuck here a while, so I'll just leave you with that to think on.
5286055 heh the cuirass was more decoration than protection it can still work in a bind. as for the swords that was more because of where they were going than where they were.
5286067 XD thanks for the feedback on B though the bronies aren't on america I hate cod as well so no that wasn't inspiration. the bronies are multicultural although i guess me not bringing it up was a faux pah on my part.
5286121
Thank Christ. Call of Duty is one of my most hated game series that's still alive because of its sloppy writing and ultra radical "America, fuck yeah!" mentality. Don't get me wrong, I love my country, and coming from a military family, I have a deep respect for our veterans (Heck, I was going to enlist myself.), but the rest of the world is not jealous of America constantly. Anyways, sorry to hold on that side note.
As for the story, there was one thing I forgot to mention. Alicorns. Now, I've been on this site a while, and before that I was actually being published IRL, so I have seen a lot, and in all of my experience, the Alicorn OC thing never works. However, that is always because they fail to follow certain rules on how to use these characters properly. The only story I've ever seen an alicorn character work in was because the author new the role that alicorns are to play, and to give you a hint, it is certainly not the protagonist. Anyways, that's my advice on that matter.
5286028 haven't read the comic but i still think changelings are adorable
This is the first story I diliske based on the first paragraph alone. The plot is so bad and stupid that even a 6 years old would make a better plot. Please fire your editor and go read some books about politics.
5286096 I bet the smallest U.S aircraft could take half of that city with ease. Modern weapons>>>>>>>>>>swords.
I read two paragraphs and then I stopped. There are some major issues.
1. We need to know something about how the main char thinks and feels. Without some sort of emotional connection its just, I did this, I did that. You need to get users by showing a bit of your emotions. You are using first person which seems like the easiest way but it has hidden dangers. Its easy to just say I a lot.
One of the benefits is the chance to see inside someone's head. To see what they see, to feel what they feel.
If you took some time and explained why the show had such an impact on your protagonist that would help readers connect with your main char.
A lot of the events in the beginning could be explained better and emotional.
Instead of just inheriting the company, maybe the main char's father got killed by the bad guys.
A few decently written scenes from your char's past would do wonders.
Don't forget to show the vision of your main char, what drove him to spend money and time to build his floating city.
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2. Anti bronies do not seem to be such a big threat. I could see a hidden death cult/Nihilist organization trying to grab control. Even Command and Conquer's brotherhood of Nod would work. Megacorps would work too.
Zero point energy would be a big threat to an Energy company that has invested billions in oil and fossil fuels.
Don't make the bad guys bad because they are bad.
Show that they have a vision like the main char and friends too.
This will also make your story more interesting.
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3. You need to describe things a bit better, its that show vs tell.
You have this wonderful city floating in the sky and you can't show it to us?
"I had a specially made great sword. It is 6 feet in length, 2 feet in width, and double edged. "
vs
Mikeala the Weapons Engineer smiled as she wheeled out my silver and blue sword. "I think you will like it."
I looked at the blade and fell in love. Seriously, this was a primo blade. I looked at the edge, it was bright silver and sharp enough to slice through an Abrams Six Battletank. My eye implants whirred quietly as I took a closer look. At the higher magnification, I could see the edge was serrated and moving. Damn, I had a freaking chainsword and I did not have to wait until the 40th millennium!
I reached for the blade and it felt like it was a part of me when my hand went around the pommel. All these years and now I felt complete. I almost wanted to raise the sword and sound like the He Man char from old cartoons but I decided not to do that in public. After a few feints and thrusts, I was ready to propose. The blade was flexible and was as light as a bamboo training sword. It even hummed while I slashed at imaginary enemies.
I had a new friend now, it was not little but I knew a few enemies I wanted it to say hello to.
OK, I left out the size because I wanted to show what my char would feel when he got the sword.
Stuff like this will definitely help out your story.
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5340661 there i deleted the first bit it was never meant to be there and quite frankly the only reason it was there in the first place is because i tacked it on because of my editor. Now no one can complain about the shit that i put there because it's not even important. arrrrrghhhh there goes my good mood.
5341064
I can feel your pain. I wrote a sixteen chapter train wreck.
You can see it in my stories. I did not get around to posting the last chapters here but I did post all of them elsewhere.
People said it was a train wreck and it was even added to a train wreck site.
I felt real good about that, NOT.
After the pain went away, I just wrote more stuff.
Eventually, I saw that the story was a train wreck.
I will go back and fix it up and post the sequel.
You could have kept the stuff in the beginning and just used it as source for better stuff later on.
Writing is hard, its like juggling a lot of balls. All of them have to be in synch for a good story.
I expect to screw up a lot. I may not be a fan of messing stuff up but that is part of the learning process.
Cut yourself some slack, it takes a lot of work and failure to get anywhere in writing.
5661087 I wondered when someone would notice that ref.
is there going to be another chapter
8399347
to be honest if i do it's going to go through a huge rewrite, after writing for as long as i have, I can't help but look back at this and cringe at how bad it is.