My Knight In Rainbow Armor

Rainbow Dash promised me she'd come back. She Pinkie Promised. No pony breaks a Pinkie Promise.
The nightmare haunts me almost every night. My Knight Is Rainbow Armor is always close enough to reach, but getting wrapped up in her warm wings never happens.

(Sorry if Twilight is a little OOC)

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ponies_forever

ponies_forever #1 · Oct 20th, 2014 · · ·

Hey, I almost cried.

Good story.

The DJ Rainbow Dash

The DJ Rainbow Dash #2 · Oct 20th, 2014 · · ·

Now before I give my thoughts, I just want to let you know that I'm not trying to bash your writing in any matter. Anything I'm going to say is simply what I liked, and what I think could be improved or changed,

Reading the description alone gave me the hint that this was one of those "Rainbow Dash/Twilight is dead , and Rainbow Dash/Twilight depressingly reminiscences about said pony" type stories. It's not something original, but when written well stuff like that doesn't really matter.

Overall the story reads as a rough sketch.

There are still a fair share of errors scattered throughout, most of these being oddly worded sentences or things of the sort. For example...

If you fought, it was meant to be? Or...something along those lines.

I'm going to safely assume you were going to write "If you fought, was it meant to be?" Simply a mix up of words, but one that could be found by reading the line, as you can hear the awkwardness in how it sounds. Or...

I don't mean to be rude, but I was -am- more book, logical smarter than her.

Sounds like you had a conflict in adjectives here. I would use book myself, as "logical smarter" doesn't make grammatical sense. Also, the "am" part is unnecessary, and acts like an odd stoppage in the middle of your sentence there (I understand what you were trying to do there, but it doesn't fit Twilight's current "sad" mindset). This would leave you with "more book smarter than her" which still sounds strange. When you write, try and actually say the sentence to yourself, chances are you'll be able to tell if it sounds strange this way.

So in turn, I'd write the sentence like this:, "I don't mean to be rude, but I was the one with better book smarts."

Another thing to be careful for is how you use structure. There are far too many breaks between the supposed dream state and her actual thoughts, especially for the amount of words. It actually got me a bit lost as I read it, initially thinking that Twilight had imagined Rainbow had come back or something.

As for the rest of the story, it suffers from trying to cram way too much information and plot into too small a story. Trying to explain how much Twilight meant to Rainbow, how she is lost without Rainbow, how their friends are doing, AND make us really care about all of this is impossible in only 1000 words.

What I think is that you had so many ideas that you wanted to use, so you decided to use all of them at once. Instead, you probably would have been better off singling out certain ones.

If you want the reader to see Twilight's despair, to see how upset she is at the mere thought of Rainbow being gone forever, then show us (Do not tell). Really describe every action and detail, help us paint a picture in our minds of what you want us to see. Right now I have some lines that are trying to resemble a painting. You as the writer need to provide me with all the colors and textures to reach that painting, and make it as magnificent as can be.

Now, I sat in front of Rainbow's old home in the pouring rain. She left me, I promised I would stay in Ponyville for as long as I could be. But she, and the others, left me all alone.

This paragraph for example. How about describing how Rainbow's home looks now? Most likely it would be disheveled and unkempt since its abandoned, with its perfect shape and waterfalls not so perfect anymore. Or perhaps how Twilight got there? Her flight could have been ragged and painful, the emotion of nearing the home of a person she held so dear causing her to be unsteady and just not herself. Even something as simple as the weather. Mention just how frigid and icy the rain was, how it poured like a torrential downpour, how the clouds it came from were massive, dark gray, and just downright intimating.

All these little things put together can make an average story good, a good story great, and a great story a masterpiece.

Now, I understand this was written in a day about certain personal situations. I've been there too, I know how you feel. So I don't want you to think that I'm being a harsh critic or anything. I'm just trying to help a fellow author out