Rainbow Dash wants Twilight to enjoy flying, cause it's awesome! Even Fluttershy agrees that flying is good once in awhile. Will Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy be able to help their lavender friend find the joys of flying?
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 28th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Apr 21st, 2018
schmitthappens21
But it's better if you do.
schmitthappens21
Joined 28th Sep, 2013 ·
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First! iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-first.gif
I just don't get enough opportunities to use this gif.
where did you find that cover art?
3949895
Here
3949895
And if you want the exact picture. Exact
3949886
Yay!
3950132
Aw shoot, I didn't save the edits to the first comment. Oh, well. So, I like the concept of this story since I can easily relate to it (I have a similar problem with driving). I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors at my first glance aside from "Ann" in the last sentence. However, this story needs work. Your main problem is writing style. It's not an easy issue for me to address, so I would suggest getting an editor to help you with that (just search for editor groups). Beyond that though, there are a few glaring errors in story telling, writing structure, and characterization that need to be addressed (and that I can address).
First off, you need to use real indents (use the Tab key) and a blank space between each paragraph, just like how I have structure this comment. If you don't do this, it just becomes a wall of text.
I'm not sure who said this, and if it was Twilight as I suspect, then it would be better said a sentence or two earlier to bring RD's attention to Twilight's wings. (I assume that's what It was there for unless it was for comedic effect. Don't use it for comedic effect)
You have Fluttershy's character down pretty well up to this point. Although she does want Twilight to learn to fly, RD would be the one to suggest an impromptu flying lesson at the drop of a hat. In short, flip the two of them around here and they'll stay in character.
This part feels really forced. Yes, it would make sense that they all have somewhere to go after the race, but they don't all have to announce their plans for the day unless they're planning on getting back together later. There's two ways to fix this. 1: Note that RD picks up twilight (which you should do either way) and just skip this little scene, simply implying that the others were left to wonder what just happened, or 2: After Applejack's need to get back to the farm (look up some actual farm and find a real chore that needs to be done, preferably with little strain since she was just in a race) have everypony just give a general agreement that there's nothing left to see here.
Everything is sudden right now, so it doesn't help for you to be saying it. Also, when did she close her eyes? (rhetorical question)
And this is where Twilight's character is broken. She was just whisked away from the nice, stable, SAFE ground and placed on a cloud that's likely very high in the air. Not only that, but now RD is asking her if she's ready. Twilight isn't one to do something without question. Especially here, where she would most likely not fully know what she's being told what to do. Then when she is told, she would most likely object at least a little bit before giving in. (at her objection you can have Fluttershy saying that this is how baby birds are taught to fly.) After that, Twilight will be back in character.
During the falling bit, everything seems way too calm. If you were falling about the height of ten stories (you would need to be around this high or higher to have enough time for that scene) would you honestly stop to glare at your calm friend who made a less than helpful comment? Even if you had suddenly gained wings, the life-time truth of falling=bad would weigh your mind down. I would suggest watching the flight failure scenes in How to Train Your Dragon to get a gauge on proper falling reactions. (hiccup and Twilight are similar characters after all).
What? Not only could this little prank prove to be fatal for Applejack and Pinkie Pie if either of them aren't caught on time, but could also be an absolutely terrifying expirience. Twilight may have been able to learn the joys of flying like this, but at least she had wings. Applejack doesn't and for someone who has never been higher off the ground than the roof of her barn (unless safely inside a city building), this could possibly be a traumatic occurrence for her. Once again you should at least have Twilight object a bit before caving in, if not outright forbidding it.
Lastly, you seem to suffer from Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I would suggest following this link to the Writing Guide and reading up on this affliction. If you have not already read the Writing Guide in its entirety, I would suggest doing so. (it may be a long,daunting read, but it would be time well spent.)
I would really like to help you with your style and prose myself, but I don't have enough time to do so. (it would involve going through just about every sentence with you and helping you learn how to write them better) I hope this has helped and that you always keep aspiring to be a better author.
3951180
Well, I did not expect a review. Thank you though. :)
In the editors group, do I just ask if someone could help me?
Also, thank you about the indentation using the tab key. I'm sorta new.
I'll fix it ASAP. But tonight is not that night.
Again, thank you for helping me.
3951781 Your welcome. As for the editor business, if you are asking a person directly, then yes. If through a group, then read whatever rules they have for requesting editors and follow their procedures for doing so.
This story was quite charming. Rainbow Dash was hilarious.
I thought Fluttershy was done well. It was interesting seeing her embracing flight and wanting to help Twilight.
Twilights right, Celestia should fly more!
4088468
I hope to get another story up soon.
Thank you!
Spoiler!!!
(It's about Rarity an Fluttershy)
Ohhhhhhhhh............ this is such a good story.
I DONT FLY
[I don't care if you don't like to fly, your gonna get your butt up there
./size]
4148241
Thank you! I do enjoy your "Once a Crusader" story very much!
4150159 thanks
I mean, it seems... okay, I guess. A little contrived. It's also really old, so was probably a fairly new idea when you wrote it.
The first quote is LUS, the second quote is a typo in your chapter title.
5883007
Well yes. This was my first story and was written before season four.
And I hope my writing has gotten better since this story. Which I think it has.
5887298
I like you.
5887918
Thanks.