Twilight Sparkle is a troubled pony. She had just made five new friends for the first time in her life, yet she can't find it in herself to be joyous, despite facing down murderous beasts, winning a battle against Nightmare Moon, and helping a long-lost princess reclaim the throne.
Something is keeping Twilight Sparkle up at night.
~~~~~~
[EDIT] To read my Real Episodes series, you can click the link, or find them via the FIMFic group, or my user page or blog posts. Thank you.
Chapter 3 of this story was edited by shadowsreached.
Chapter 4 of this story was edited by Hellpony.
Cover art by Minibot-1. (His DeviantART)
I give my thanks to the wonderful community of FIMFiction, who inspire me without end.
Chapters (4)
epic win
TwiDash makes me all warm and fuzzy inside
This is no exception. Keep it up, and have a star and thumb.
894882>>895189 Thank you very much. I really do love the community of this website.
(Also, The Ticket Master is awaiting approval for those of you who are wondering.)
Heya. I've had a read and you're off to a pretty good start; you're certainly pushing all enough of the TwiDash buttons to get my interest. There are a few things that you could do to make it read a little better.
I mean, I only bring it up because you say it's your first fic and that you are actively looking for tips to improve, and there are some big, easy things that you could do make this read better.
I don't wanna be that guy who swoops in and starts declaring that he knows everything. It's just a little friendly advice, so ignore me if you think I'm a jerk who's talking nonsense. On the other hand if you want a more detailed discussion I'd be happy to do that to.
The first big thing is that you keep using
--
that.
It took me a moment to work out that that was a scene break as, being left aligned and kind similar to an ellipsis (...) it doesnt stand out. I would consider centering it and maybe using more dashes or putting gaps between them.
The other thing is that your scenes are very, very short and sometimes the breaks lack context. For instance, the first break at:
This morning, however, she felt grumpy.
---
“Come on, Spike.”
That's okay, but the start of the next scene doesn't establish that any time has passed. It gives no context. So when we get 'It was dark out.' I got realyl confused and had to go back and check I hadn't missed something. This is -doubly- true here because not one sentence before that you were talking about the sunrise. It goes 'Look how sunny it is!' -break- 'Oh my it's so dark out' with no real feeling of transition.
I basically bring this up because you say you want to keep the writing smooth. The writing itself IS smooth, but having all these tiny scenes damages that when you read though. That scene with the cleaning, for example. Only one thing happens in it. Spike read a letter. You can do more to build that into a bigger scene.
There's a few grammar points in that middle section as well. "Spike groaned as they walked into the front door. It was quite some party." is the wrong tense (this also confused me as to what time it was in the scene). You probably want "That was quite some party" as dialogue or maybe "It had been quite some party". As it stands, it sounds like the narrator is describing the door as being a party.
Just a quick style point: "She began to start picking up stray party hats". This reads a little awkwardly because of the phrase 'began to start'. 'Start' already covers that she is beginning to do something, as does 'began'. You can cut either of those words: "She started picking up" or "She began to pick up", and you dont lose anything. As a rule, you dont want superfluous words.
Don't use ... as a scene break. It's already a thing and, combined with the left alignment, you run a real risk of confusing people.
A glass of milk sounded good. “Spike!” she called out instinctively. “Oh.”
This is really good. I like this bit a lot as it shows us a little character stuff without drawing attention to it. This is really well done, but as a style thing I would generally put each line of dialogue starting a new line. Mixing prose and dialogue can look a bit cluttered.
“Spike!” she said again. Upon remembering that he was in Canterlot, she felt worse than ever.
This is weaker. In the first one of these little bits you don't explain the joke, that Spike isn't there, and it works really nicely. This time, you explain the punchline and it weakens it. More so because you didnt the first time. You should maybe have used the same trick of letting the audience work it out: “Spike!” she said again. The house was silent. She felt worse.
Anyway, I'm going to stop now. This is turning into a wall of text and I feel like a douchebag for dumping criticism on you.
I think you really have promise, for what my opinion's worth, that's why I'm bothered to write all this out. It's not out of spite or because you're not good at writing, you are good. But you could very easily be better and I'd like to help.
The first chapter opened my interests this one sttled them
895837 I don't mind at all. As a matter of fact, I am grateful. I will definitely use your advice in making it better reading. Thanks for taking the time to help!
Very good. I never really liked Twilight, but I love Rainbow Dash and that's what attracted me to this story. Love it so far hope to see some more soon.
Very Good for a first "true" fanfic! It's way better then my was!
896151 Thanks!
Twilight made five friends, not six as said at the bottom of ch 1. Interesting start though.
Well Twilight,
*takes off sunglasses*
no use crying over spilt milk
YEEEEAAAAHHHH
Hey guess what. More!
972345 The next chapter is being edited and will be posted sometime around a few days from now, maybe a little longer.
Approaching
either the first milestone orthe ending of the fic.Once I'm done, I'll take reader suggestions as to how to proceed.She's totally in denial, I am so calling it right now.
999004
"ending"
Personally, I hope you don't wrap this up soon. If you do, I don't see a happy ending in sight unless you pull one out of your butt.
Not sure if I should be expecting a happy ending though.
999140 I've got something planned, but if the readers think a continuation will work, I'm all for it.
well i can see were this is kinda going rainbow says no then leaves twilight feels upset then rainbow through some events changes her mind but hey maybe im over thinking it
Moar!!!!!!!
Moar!!!!!
I request more at your earliest convie...
SCREW MANNERS, I WANT MOAR!!!
1002484
1000656
1000735
Hehe, don't worry everypony! Captain procrastination is on his way!
Really though, I'm gonna write the next chapter after Applebuck Season. I've been kind of neglecting Real Episodes.
This just in: Local resident Twilight Sparkle has gone on a rampage murdering ponies while chanting: "SHE SAID NO!"
Also, M to the O to the A to the R
This looks fantastic and I'm glad to see everyone is loving it :)
1007485
YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES
Well, it's here. Sorry for the wait, everypony. I hope you all like it, because I am not continuing this any further. Though I did enjoy writing with all of you, it's not my cup of tea. Thank you all for the support and encouragement, and thank you all for all you do to make FIMFiction such a nice place.
Many thanks to FIMFiction and its wonderful community, who inspired me to write in the first place,
warlord487
1122393 Thank you.
You didn't use the version I edited for you.
1122408 Actually I did. I had changed some things I saw out of it, though. Your edits are still there, just mixed with new ones of mine.
Great job on the final chapter.
Sad to end it so soon
Although it was fun while it lasted
seem a bit short to be fully honest what there is good but i dont know maybe im thinking of an epiloge or something
but thats just me
because the build up was strong and the middle was fun and this is the ending
2.bp.blogspot.com/-2497mHXvqTo/UEvE9ENFSBI/AAAAAAAAADE/5PHzEj9wcpM/s1600/shattered+heart.png
Wait I didn't read this chapter yet 'cuz I'm scaared :I
up no tis rocks :D
1489142 Thanks, glad you liked it.
- Pretty sure this breaks the canon of "Lesson Zero"
You coulda got more out of the situations themselves but pretty good otherwise I would say.
1973420>>1973484 This takes place before Lesson Zero.
Yeah, this is somewhat of an amateur story. Just a quick standard run-through of a TwiDash. I had written it because I read so much TwiDash I wanted to take a little part. Anyway, glad you liked it.
Ooh, just broke a hundred favorites. Glad you guys liked it.
wat
Rushed...but then look who's talking
Apart from that great ending.
My comment : wat
Nope, too short. You can’t imply that Rainbow felt insulted by the implication she was gay and then not address that. You can’t not explain why/how Rainbow changed her mind. Perhaps I’m reading too much into this, but either way, you need to account for Rainbow’s about-face.