Tirek's Bikes

by Mr Stargazer

Order within the first 5 minutes, and I'll throw in genuine Tirek handlebar-horns for FREE.

Author's Note:

Hello reader, I am here to warn you that this story is full of spelling errors and dumb mistakes. I wrote it in a freenzy with a friend named Ware and we had a good laugh with it.

We uploaded it without proofreading in any serious way.

Anyway, to retain the integrity of this fic as it was created with my friend I've decided to not edit it at all. So here it is in all it's glory.

Seriously though go check out warewolves stories through the link in the description.

Warn and crumpled pieces of paper, Splinters, some metal and ashes.

These were all that was left of Twilights home of two years. In the dozen rains since that day the rain had poured on Twilight broken home unhindered by glass or leaves. It had poured down onto the cracked and blacked floorboards. Down into the basement. A basement which fire and time had been filled with wood, dirt and ash. A hole that had been filled up as the water had begun to flow. Her tears and cries to stop only causing hesitation in the towns hired works as they finished what nature had already started. Her cries ringing out as each shovelful of dirt filled up her basement and cut into her heart.

Now all that remained on the surface was a fraction of her home. A hollow shell.

All things though heal in time though. So Twilight had gathered her friends here. In the ruins of her old home.

“This is such a special place to me.”

Twilight choked, “Its here that I learned so much. Grew so close to you girls.”

Not an ear stood steady nor an eye unwet as Twilight began. Rarity was veiled in black. Pinkie in tears. Rainbow kept her jaw tight as she refused to look at anypony else. Fluttershy hugged Angel slightly tighter. Applejack had her eyes closed, hat on her heart.

“Unlike this tree though our friendship survives. Stronger. Today I plant a seed. A seed that will one day grow into a new library. This new life to the land will one day house knowledge again. Be a home again. I do this to show that with each end, a new beginning grows out of the ashes.” Twilight closed her eyes, and brought her hoof into the ground, digging up the dirt and inserting the tiny acorn. Patting it down, all stepped back, and looked not at the destruction as a sign of an end, but as a sign of a new beginning. Twilight turned to her friends and wiped away the moisture. Her lips turned slightly upward as the sun shone over the clearing from a crack in the clouds, illuminating the ruins. Twilight stepped out of the ring and embraced her crying friends.

“Get the Civilians off the site, we’ve got a shop to build.” A yellow pony with an anti symbol on his flank began to push Twilight and the others into the street as a steamroller passed them by. Within moments, a dozen vehicles had passed them, and they could no longer see through the thick dust in the air.

BRRRRR! CLICK CLIKC BAM ZZZZ GRRREEEEK BOOSH EEEAAWWW EEEAAWWW TRTRTRTR BUMBUMBUM POOSH!.

Twilight stood there, wings at attention. Her mouth hung open and her eyes were pinpricks She couldn't even focus enough to read the sign on the store.

“Twilight?” Rainbow whispered, poking her in the cheek, “Twilight its been an hour. We’re starting to get scared. Come on Twilight say something.”

Suddenly, Twilight’s head twisted to face Rainbow. Their snouts almost touching as her hair popped out of place like a spring.

“I’m fine Dashie. It’s not like a giant steamroller just destroyed the remains of my hope for the future.” Twilight’s ear twitched in response.

“Oookay,” Rainbow Dash said.

“After all, it wasn’t a long journey to get that special acorn. Its not like it was rare. It didn’t take five days. Not in the least”

Without a word, another hair sprung off Twilight’s head.

“It’s not like I had to go through the fire swamp and nearly got married off to the Rodent King of Unusual Size!”

Her mane seemed to almost crackle at the hairs popping out. Her left eye twitched again.

“Its not like I had to throw some ring of Sombra’s into a volcano so he wouldn’t return that I found with the first half of the map to it!”

“ Uhh Twilight” Dash stuttered as she and the others backed away.

“Then there was that Bu*#$% bridge with the creepy hermit asking questions! Why would it throw me off? I can fly!”

“So no Dash, of course everything is fine!” Finished her speech, Twilight was breathing heavily.

“That’s it! I am walking right up to the owner and telling him exactly how ‘banished’ he is. Lets see how well he can sell his, his- What in Discords name is he selling here anyway!?” As if on cue to Twilight’s words, a billboard-like sign turned on, illuminating the name of the store.

' Tierics bicking emporium!"
'Come get your bikes at the lowest price in Equestria guaranteed'

Twilight’s jaw fell open a second time before every hair on her body burst into flames hot enough to turn the dirt under her into glass

"Tierik!?"

"DId somepony say my name?"

“Tierik! How are you not in tartarus!?”

“Oh hey, if it isn’t the pony that sent me to hell. I got out on good behaviour.”

“Good...behavior?” Twilight pushed out through clenched teeth.

“Yep.”

With that, Tirek burst into laughter.

“What’s a bike?” Spike quipped awkwardly, twiddling his fingers together.

“WEELLL, I'm glad you asked!” Terik grinned. Suddenly, a tune began to play in the background, as if on cue.

“Hey where did that music come from?”Pinkie pie asked fiddling around in her mane “ I was sure I turned that jukebox off.”

“Steel plated bikes are right here for you today,
Wheels of pure golden rims available hooray!
Wide range of colors including red, white and blue,
Tirek’s bikes are such a steal I’ll take your magic from you!” Tirek winked and brought his arms above his head, the sign flashing a few times before once more staying on.

“Well that was...darling, Mr. Tirek but I do believe that didn’t answer Spike’s question.”

Tirek snapped to the fashionista holding a new bike over her head.

“This model of bike is the ZX27, and it is a fashionista's dream. With an entirely customisable frame, you can add many accessories to make your bike the most beautiful the world has ever seen. Why with this bike you’ll be the talk of the town. Ponies from a hundred yards away could be turning to look at you.Well,if you have the skill to make it truely beautiful. Perhaps one might even gain the eyes of some noble pony wishing to take a bike right with two?”

“I’ll take eight!” Rarity screamed. before Applejack cuffed her in the back of the head.

“Well listen here you varmint-.” Applejack tried to cut in, but Terek just kept on.

“Our latest model is the CMC47. It has bright red rims and I even pulled a spirit of the undead to possess the handlebars. Kids love hearing it scream murder. No kids were harmed in the testing of this device. We even included the soul stealer absolutely free! Just add these handly souls into your bike and soon you’ll be bucking apple trees out of your tree with their dying screams.”

“No thing can make ponies go faster than me. I’m the fastest pegasus in Equestria” Rainbow snorted.

“And I’m the fastest pony in Equestria!” Pinkie pie shouted loudly, popping out of Terik’s ear in a blast of confetti.

“What good is it for us?”

“Bikes are the future of this world! No longer will ponies be forced to run away from me. No! Instead they can glide away on bicycles. Fly along the ground faster than Rainbow Dash! Break the physics of reality with our new gravity button! Order now and we’ll throw in a ‘hover’ button absolutely free!”

“Tirek, for Celestia’s sake, SHUT UP!” Twilight caught everyone by surprise, and they all stepped back from her.

“Who would even want one of these stupid bikes! And why did you build it here!” Twilight stamped her hoof, pointing to the shop as her anger began to simmer again.

“This land was just put up on the market, and I’ve been looking to add an outlet store here once the real estate opened up.” Tirek smiled, and pulled out an add showing Twilight’s ruined tree.

“Outlet? And you didn’t answer my first question!” Twilight felt her hair grow slightly warmer, almost turning yellow in color.

“Everyone wants a bike my dear! Bike’s are the future! That is why I have been able to afford so many outlets. I have twenty three stores across equestria you know.” Tirek grinned as Twilight’s mouth slowly creaked open.

“T-Twenty three stores! Who on earth would buy a bike? And what do they do anyway?” Twilight noticed Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash has snuck into the store, and that there was a pony at the desk serving them. As they walked out with their own bikes, they looked to her sheepishly.

“I couldn’t resist, I just have to see if this is as fast as Tirek says.” Dash stepped aside as Rarity galloped inside as well. Applejack bit her lip, and followed after her. Slowly following behind them, Fluttershy entered as well.

“All your friends seem to want the bikes, and I have already told you what they do. You ride them!” Tirek raised his arms wide, and once more the sign behind him flashed a few times. Tirek leaned down and booped Twilight on the nose.

“Yes, I’m all for free exchange of goods, but I don’t want to buy from you. You’re evil! You will do evil things with my money!” Twilight said pulling out her bag of bits and shaking it in his face.
Tirek’s eyes lit up as his left claw slowly pushed a book labeled ‘evil plans’ deeper into his bag.

“Not at all miss princess Twilight. Now why don’t you come into my store and see if you like anything.”

“No!” Twilight turned and huffed down the street. Behind her she could hear Tirek run into the store then back out again.

“Please miss Twilight just a look!”

The pony stopped and stomped her foot before turning.

“I said-“ She froze.

The purple frame. That sasket. The wheels.

“Like it?” Tirik grinned.

“What is it?”

“This my little princess is a custom modified DX-f472. Perhaps the greatest bike ever made. The entire structure is made by the finest Tatarus hardened steel. The seat is satin stuffed with phoenix feathers. Same as the pillow in the tame timber wolf baske. Thanks to the also timber wolf handlebars t5he bike will literally drive itself. That however I know is not as interesting as the endless satchel attached to the back that will never fill up no matter how many A+ papers Celestia gives you for such an astounding bike. The built in compass/sumatra on the handlebars will allow you to take whatever measurement you need wherever you find yourself after being lost on this smooth ride. On the other side of the wheel is a small laboratory set complete with beakers, telescope, microscope and fold out writing table.”

“This- I.”

Twilight stood there uncertain what to do as her friends file out with each of their own personal bikes.

“This Twilight. This bike would be unworthy of any but the most royal of plots. This bike I give to you….for ten percent off.”

Twilight rubbed back of her neck. The purple went so well with her mane and-

“ Hey wait a minute. What's that on the back?”

“Oh…that’s just an advertisement for my bike shops.”

“Let you use my name to sell your evil bikes never!”

“They aren't evil!” Terik growled.

Just at that moment Trixie came careening between them on a unicycle.

“This is why I never trust wheeeels!” She cried.

“See!” Twilight cried pointing as the mare headed along the road. At the end was was a sharp cliff, with a sign at the end of it. The sign read ‘End of the Road Scenic Ponyville Cliffside’. A smaller sign underneath it boasted it as the highlight of a ‘Rainbow Dash is Awesome’ tour, with a picture of a baby falling off the cliff crudely drawn beside it.

“Evil!” Twilight turned her attention back to Terik.

Terik frowned and lifted his left hand into a fist.

“Don’t you see Twilight with you riding around more ponies than ever will buy my bikes!
Join me, and together we can have cushy seats as rulers through all of time and space! Of the bicycle industry I mean." Tirek grinned.

“NEVAR!” Twilight jumped back and shielded herself from the bike as Tirek tried to hold it out. “ I’ll never join you! Celestia would never want me to do such a thing. She would give me an A- at best for ridding such a glorious thing from you!”

“Celestia never told you how I got out of Tartarus.” Tirik whispered.

“She told me you escaped when Cerberus was away.”

“No, Celestia let me go free…for a bike.”

“No…that’s not true. That’s impossible!”

“Search your feelings, you know it to be true. No pony nor alicorn can resist my low priced traveling transport!”

“Noooo!”

“I’ll include a book holder so you can read while you ride for 40 bits.”

“Deal!”

---

Twilight walked away from the store, pleased with her new bike. Thinking she should ride it home, she turned to Tirek and paused.

“Say...How do I ride this?” Twilight watched as Tirek flipped the open sign on the door to closed, and held the door open as he paused.

“No refunds.”

Comments

[Europa]

... is the atrocious spelling of Tirek's name intentional?

[Mr Stargazer]

5125382 I'm going to say yes.

[Smiles]

There's a lot of spelling and grammatical errors.

[FaelaArts]

5125406
You've obviously never seen a mordane chapter before star sends it to the proofreaders.

[Seether00]

What? What is this?

[Mr Stargazer]

5125499 Horse words.

[Mr Darkstone]

[NothingButFiller]

I wonder what was on Celestia's bike to send him free...maybe a free cake dispenser?

[-Chrome-]

Then there was that Bu*#$% bridge with the creepy hermit asking questions!

[Zerodius]

For some reason, a fact that make this funnier to me:

In real life, whenever a store or a restaurant I like close in the region I live, it seems there is 100% chance that a bike store will open a day or two later to replace it. Always almost simultaneously with it closing. And it's always a dumb bike store. Even if there's already fifteen bike stores around.

This fic is total random non-sense. Yet I like it. Bah.

You must have spiked the text with cyber catnip, you meanie.

[Phoenix Frost]

You know, I was reading this story and couldn't help but notice the countless spelling errors that made me ask myself, "Does this guy even know what proofreading is?" However, as I continued with the story I grew more fond of it. Anyone who stockpiles perfectly timed references to THe Princess Bride, Lord of the Rings, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and The Empire Strikes Back is more than deserving of my praise.
ksrcollege.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Blue.jpg

[Mr Stargazer]

5127953 I do really....I'm just terrible at it.

I better get someone to edit it.

[Phoenix Frost]

5127972 Aaaaaand, we have a volunteer.

[FaelaArts]

5127972
Yes you are, it's totally not my fault.

[King Kenya]

I see... Well, there is only one man who can counter Tirek's evil merchandising and "replace don't repair" advertising campaign.

[FaelaArts]

5132605
He's doomed, he can't top that.

[Starlight Nova]

5125416 What's a mordane chapter, and who is star?

[Starlight Nova]

5127972 I'll edit it too. And it's spelled T-i-r-e-k.

[Starlight Nova]

5132605 What does the writing in the icon for your avatar say?

[King Kenya]

5408983

Spike Von Lipvig and Rarity Belle Dearheart, if you're a fan of Sir Terry Pratchett's superb Discworld novels then you should get the reference, and if you aren't then you should be.

[knetch]

wow, he actually sold a glove to a snake.

[Zaten the Changeling]

I love the references so much.

[How to avoid swords]

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Tirek’s Bikes. The humour is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer's head. There's also Twiligh’s nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into her characterisation- her personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realise that they're not just funny- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Tirek’s Bikes truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the humour in Tirek’s existential catchphrase "No Refunds," which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev's Russian epic Fathers and Sons. I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Star Gazer’s genius wit unfolds itself on their Computer screens. What fools.. how I pity them.

And yes, by the way, i DO have a Tirek’s Bikes tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It's for the ladies' eyes only- and even then they have to demonstrate that they're within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand. Nothin personnel kid