Wanderer, a colt living in a small town of Equestria, has dreams of being a grand adventurer like his heroine Daring Do. It was not until he met two other foals who had moved to Greensborough from the big city, did he find the companions that he had sought after. Together, they would trample through the town and forest in the pursuit of their purpose in life and for those cutie marks that just refuse to show! A story of self discovery, and that of three ponies who would become the precursors of the rise of Order.
Prequel of Harmony Undone: The Rise of Order. It is not required reading to enjoy this story.
A huge thanks to Lab for his amazing editing skills, and another to DemonBrightSpirit for being my pre-reader. Thank you both for your hard work.
I can't wait to see where this story goes. The description is so very enticing, but as with all incomplete stories I want to read, I'll put it in my Read Later list and check daily for updates.
5068538 I am glad to know you like the premise of this story.
The story will see updates at about a bi-weekly basis at the worst, so keep an eye out every other Sunday.
5068558 Yay fast updates!
An excellent start. I expect no less from my co-author.
5068738 Thanks for the vote of confidence!
Look forward to more soon.
Hmm... slightly interesting start, but it fails to 'hook' me. That might be your problem right there. I'm responding you your cry for help on the main message board about your OCs. The big thing here, and for any first chapter is to grab the reader's attention right away. Take a look at the Prologue for my story The Unity Pact, or the first chapter in my other story The Vagabond. You have to snag the readers, get them on edge and keep them there. Many elements in this story seem predictable, mix it up brother. And you may want to change Wanderer's name too, it's a bit... it feels a touch off. The whole thing about his erroneous sense of direction is good, as is his love of Daring Do novels helps to add the the character, but flesh him out a bit more. Can you honestly tell me that he's lived in the town his whole life and doesn't have ANY friends at all? Just a few things to think about. Of note, if I sound like an asshole, it is accidental. I am an extremely blunt person, I'm just trying to help a fellow author. Best of luck,
Truthseeker
5190355 I appreciate the advice you have given me, the point about the 'hook' is very valid bit of a story that I am still trying to master. With this particular story, however, it is a normal day in a peaceful village, not much is going on. The hook is that all seems peaceful, the question should be, what is going to change that?
His name is set in stone though. I can see the hesitance in a pony with a single word for a name, but for his character, his personality and many other things, the name of "Wanderer" fits him.
I thank you for the advice, my friend, and don't worry about being blunt spoken. I can be that way myself.
Cheers!
Okay, this is rather pleasant. :) I like both Wanderer and his mother.
Ah, I was wondering if the mother was dead. No, divorce. I like this family.
And we have our nemesis/jackass!
Okay, I like the setup. It veers a smidge too tell, but not by much. I can't wait to see where this one goes.
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5254680 I'm glad to know you like it so far. Hearing that you like my characters is what I was aiming for with all of them, even Rogue and his cronies.
As for the telliness, I am honestly working on thinning that out on my writing. I will say it is a FAR better cry than what it used to be, but hey that is what experience teaches us. Look forward to chapter four hopefully this weekend.
As I'm a newbie on criticism, I'll just state what I thought about the story; the plot is in very well shape the character is funny and not perfect (which is great) and in the finale you left a taste of 'want more. NEED MOAR
.' I really hope there's more to come, because I would love to read this piece of art.
What? Did you think I was gonna say 'shit'? Pffff... very dirty thoughts coming from you guys.
5262497 As a writer, I cannot tell you how good that makes me feel. I am glad to know that my story and characters have left somewhat of a mark on my readers. This lets me know I am doing well with them. There are many more chapters ahead and their antics only continue.
Oh, that ending. My sides. I hate you so much right now.
Great chapter, here. *Hands Wanderer the baseball bat mentioned earlier* Now, go bludgeon Rogue with it! 
Alrighty! Here I am as promised. Let's get started!
Right off the bat we got some punctuation errors.
and
I suggest doing this:
This is worded strangely. I think the problem is that you are using too many words to say something that is relatively easy to convey. How about:
This suggests that the pet cat isn't his. Also, you use sleeping twice in the same sentence. Replace the one with the cat with slumbering or snoozing.
This is a subject change and should start a new paragraph.
I try to steer clear from using the words was and had too often. The way the first two paragraphs are written, it seems like the story is taking place further in the future and Wanderer is thinking back to the morning. Also, the comma after was is completely unnecessary. For this sentence, I would start with Without warning. "Without warning, the door to his room swung open and a unicorn mare stepped in." It just looks and sounds nicer this way.
change it to although and you can get away with this one.
Interestingly enough, you got the dialogue punctuation perfect. That's the part most people have trouble with. Great job there!
You need a comma after anyway.
Way too many commas here, this sentence needs to be restructured. How about:
Also, what is with the cat being "itself?" Doesn't he know if it is a boy or girl cat?
This made the lumberjack song start playing in my head. What a great song!
I like the paragraph describing the town. It is nicely done, and there are no errors.
remove "and looked to the bottom" and this sentence is good.
You already gave us the cat's name! Just use it!
Love it.
This sentence is too wordy and needs to be restructured. Also, *teacher's*
I know I'm being nitpicky here, but I want to point this out. Alright really shouldn't be used in writing. It's fine if you are writing a letter to someone, or email or message, but in literature, it needs to be all right. Alright?
remove the comma after temple and add the word with. Also, the rest of the paragraph is about Daring Do, so this sentence should start a new paragraph.
Again, you've got too many commas here. Remove *mostly on his book at home* We know he is thinking about his book, you just spent the whole previous paragraph telling us that.
Needs to start a new paragraph.
New paragraph.
I like this story. Wanderer is interesting and I love the relationship he has with his mom. You did a good job with show vs tell as well. It never really got too telly, you gave us the info we needed when we needed it, and you kept going with the story. I'll admit I was a bit worried because the first three paragraphs were so sloppy, but once the first conversation started, it cleaned up noticeably. Your main problem is that you tend to get too wordy, and you grossly abuse commas. An old college trick to try for commas is pretend that you have to pay 5 bucks for every unnecessary comma. I'll tell you now, if that were true, you'd be in debt. Try keeping that in mind. If you can find a way to avoid using a comma, do it. Anyway, great job with the story, and I'd like to come back and read the rest later. Hope you found this helpful!
5268742 It was incredibly helpful. Thanks for pointing out those issues to me. I corrected a number of them, and I do believe it reads a bit better. I hope you can continue reading the other available chapters, I feel you would enjoy them as well.
Thanks again!
5267394 Rogue is so very cuddly isn't he?
Glad to know you like the chapter so much, I enjoyed writing it a lot. I laughed at more than a few lines between the characters.
Oh, you three... *Shakes head* I can't believe I'm about to say this, but good on Rogue! And what was that thing, a cross between a dinosaur and an Ent?!
5364200 I think Wanderer put it best as a tree spider thingy.
Oh, you three crazy kids. And not in a good way, mind.
Are those medical skills a bit of a Chekhov's gun, here?
5389466 Without spoiling much, they will see their uses. Even if it is not straightaway.
Got to love the thought process of little kids. Everything makes sense if put in a certain way. No wonder my own parents wanted to strangle me more often than not when I was young.
An interesting start. I'll continue reading this when I can.
5475738 I do appreciate that and hope you enjoy when you pick it back up.
I think I like those two.
5475799 The siblings are also fun in their own way. Once they team with Wanderer, shenanigans ensue.
So I guess this leaves Tormod to find his mark.
5476946 That it does, and there is much more to come yet. His little sister and best friend find their cutie marks all in the same day, yet not he. Let's hope that this works out for all involved.
Also, I thought I recognized your pen name. You wrote A Three Foal Wish, right? Love that story. I'm very impressed with your original characters in that story, and do plan to feature it in a blog in the near future.
Cheers!
5477200 Yeah, being in his hooves right now would not be fun... He didn't even want to go and now he's the only one that didn't get a cutie mark from it...
And I would be honour, actually. Thrilled that you love it.
Yay, two of them got their cutie mark! And I'd say being grounded for the rest of their lives is more than fair. ;) Very nice action and ending, there. Great job with this one.
5497034 Thanks for that!
The action scene was fun to write. I decieded to go with the more light-hearted chase over the three trying to stand up against the Reaver, that might had been too rough for this story. Either way, it was fun.
One more cutie mark to find. Let us see what path life will take for the three.
Your Pleasant Commentary and Review is here!
Finished reviewing this story to my satisfaction: it gets into the Olympus library easily, despite maybe being a bit too plain for my likings. I may have belaboured the negative a bit in the review I did explaining my decision, but that's because it's easier to point out the bad than the good sometimes: this is looking like quite a nice story.
review is here, if ever you want it.
Aww, they're growing up. :( :) Nice to see Rogue finally getting some of what he deserves. And no cutie mark, but going to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns is still pretty sweet. :D
5686737 I know, right? Tormod may not had gotten his mark, but he got accepted into the School at least. A pity that it takes him away from his family and friends.
And yes, it was about time Rogue got his.
lh4.googleusercontent.com/OQ7svCsPq1zE_mPTkOZbdav7dxJKwYLIrhKRf9zTWj6Ir7VZfZSV5rIKt_K-71O3z-ZXvRn8yL1ftwsYT1pEg0GiyM-EASPIBOmfeeqIMjYQqgd_qYBZfnDJThiZ8pIi1wNp-yy1Rw
Good story even though it reminds me a lot of Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.
5946452 With the most recent of episodes, yeah, I would agree with you. I did, at first thought the 'hunting down bad guys' thing was a bit of a stretch, but now that we've seen even the CMC do the same thing... so much as a stretch after all.
I'm glad you enjoyed the story! Cheers, my friend!
Nice story and great way to wrap it up. :)
5967544 Thanks a ton, Striker. Glad to know you enjoyed it.
If you want to see what else they get into, be sure to check out the sequels. Their antics don't stop here.
Whilst I don't think this is a bad story by any stretch of the definition, it has a handful of things that make it difficult for me to actually get invested in it by chapter seven. For that reason, I'm rejecting it from goodfic bin submissions.
Details are here.
Well, its holding my inererst so far.
thier talents seem to complement each other.
6514947 I'm glad to hear that! Hope you enjoy this and the rest of my series.
6515297 That they do. One is the adventurer, the other the treasure finder, a perfect match it seems.
Tourmaline used Manners!
It was Super Effective!
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Tormod faints...
So I read HapHazred's review and just wanted to say that I totally disagree with him. I don't think there's too much telling. Yes, there are a few parts where it's a bit telly, but it flows with the overall voice of your narrative. What a lot of reviewers on this site don't get is that the ratio of show vs tell changes from story to story. Some stories are hurt by the overuse of telling, but some are hurt just as badly by overusing showing. From what I've seen from the first 2 chapters, I'd say you hit a pretty good balance.
He also said that your characters are too much like the CMC. This confounds me. I mean, yeah, when you have Wanderer, Tourmaline, and Tormod acting excited they sound like the CMC, but then, most kids act exactly like that. If you want a cute character that is around 7-10 years old, they're going to sound like this. But that's where the similarities end. Wanderer is hilariously air-headed and clumsy (which is not seen in any of the three CMC), and please tell me which of the two CMC bicker and tease each other the way Tourmaline and Tormod do. That's a dynamic missing from the CMC. I feel like the review was a bit unfair here.
I can't comment on his third point because I haven't gotten far enough in the story, but I like this story. I like Wanderer and his relationship with his mom, and I really like Tourmaline's family. You've handled the setup for this story very well, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it takes these characters. The only complaint I have is that the POV jumped around a little too much in Chapter 2 (it jumps from Tourmaline to her father, than back to Tourmaline, and finally ends in Tomod's POV), but it isn't really an issue that takes away from the story.
Also, just realized that I somehow never liked this story, so I just rectified this mistake. Talk to you again soon!
Holy crap, the tree spawns random encounters!
This is the single most horrible sentence you have ever written....
*led*
Ok, I really like this. I admit that I was getting a little annoyed with this chapter because it just kept going and going and it didn't seem like it had anything to do with the actual story, but it all clicked together with Celestia saying that they would one day do something great. That little bit is some excellent foreshadowing, and I'm sure it will carry over into the sequels. Also, that was a really cute moment when Celestia visited them at their house.
7939781 I'm glad you like it so far! As I stated in this blog post, chapter four wasn't part of the original story. It was added because I had this fear I had that the story didn't have enough tie to the source material and would be rejected because of that. I've learned later that this fear was unfounded, but I didn't remove the chapter because it does have some foreshadowing to not only this story, but the sequels as well.
It's true I could write it as a form on internal monologue from Tourmaline to better show than what I have now. Possibly change 'her dad and Tormod' to 'her family.'
I didn't think it was that bad...
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It's just a run on sentence with two separate topics crammed into it. And you use *as* twice. It's such a bad sentence in an almost flawlessly structured chapter.
I could tell it was more foreshadowing the other stories, I think that's why I liked it so much.
That was exciting and intriguing. I really think that review for the Good Fic Bin was unfair. You did a good job with this.