This story is a sequel to Harmony Undone: The Rise of Order
Legacy is always defined by the choices that are made in life. For a traveling magician, the show must go on, and so will Trixie—no matter how much it hurts to hear the crowd boo. For a band of adventurers, seeing the scars left behind by Tyranny was not the legacy they wished the world to remember them by. When happenstance brings them together, they seize a chance to right their past mistakes.
Once again, another story helped brought about by my friend and editor Lab. Huge thanks to you! For my pre-reader Meridian Prime, and the folks at the YMLT chat for help with descriptions. You all rock!
12/21/16: Sex tag added for implied intimacy.
10/8/17: Added the Alternate Universe tag due to the revelations of the season seven finale. Refer to this blog for the explanation.
Nice little subversion of a trope here. And here I was, all set to look for a "Just kiss already!" meme. Eh, that chapter ending would have ruined the mood for it anyway. Poor cat.
There's something to be said about that point in someone's life, I think. There's something transformative about it, if that's even a word. It's like some part of you ends, and you know you can never quite go back again.
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That is very true. When it comes to losing a pet of so many years, especially if you've known them since childhood and grew up with them, their passing is like losing a very part of yourself. Some might scoff at the idea of an animal would have that sort of effect on a person, but it is very much a real thing.
In relations, once a person takes that step, there really is no going back. The cards are on the table, the hand is shown, you can't take it back and act like nothing happened. Like in a real game of chance, you either lose or you win. But if you never take that chance, you're always left with the question of 'what if'.
Thankfully with Wanderer and Tourmaline, it was something that was there the whole time but the two had 'friendzoned' each other real bad. Let us see where it takes them from this point on.
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Well thou sayest that the number of comments thy fic possesseth numbereth four, but methinks the two posted by thee count not. Regardless, I shall have a look at the first few chapters and relate to thee my thoughts.
I have to say you have a great story here. keep up the great work.
6438819 Thank you! Hope you stick around to read the rest of it.
6438467 Looking forward to it.
To begin with, I am unfamiliar with the previous story and as such a few elements escaped me. However, there are a few items to address that are applicable regardless of my knowledge of the series.
1. Thy prose is generally strong, but a number of instances stand out due to repetition of words and/or sentence structure. This can be fixed through careful pre-reading and editing.
2. A few of the conflicts feel manufactured, but the most obvious one came when Trixie performed in Trottingham. I find it wholly unbelievable that she would tell the tale of the Ursa Major again after the disaster in Ponyville. The last time she did such the entire ordeal exploded in her face and ended in humiliation, and 'tis likely she would shelf that particular story. Mayhaps if thou changest the beast's species the scene would be easier to swallow, but as 'tis, I have a difficult time going with it.
Other than those two items, I enjoyed my time with this story.
I finally got around to starting this story, and I have to say I am thoroughly impressed. Your grammar is near perfect, your spelling is all in line, and your word choice fits the dialogue and/or actions it pertains to. However, I do have some things I want to discuss with you.
On a side note, terms or phrases that I believe are important to grasp will be bolded without italics.
First off, like we discussed before, you would benefit from shortening the chapter lengths using the methods I gave to you. This is most apparent in Chapter 3. Though it was a well thought out and well written chapter, I found myself starting to grow tired of reading it about half way through. Like I mentioned in the forum post, the utter length of the chapter started picking away at my attention span. It soon came to the point where I was hoping for the chapter to end soon, as my mind needed a little bit of time to process all the content presented to it. This was made impossible by the continuous need to read on to get the closure my mind needed.
Secondly, there are some sections of the story that seem confusing, misplaced, or irrelevant. For example, the fact that Trixie somehow managed to get to Greensborough in just a couple days. Unless I missed something important, it took Trixie all but three or so days and change to make it there, even when it mutually agreed upon by both her and the guard that it would take at least a week, which, for the purpose of giving the benefit of the doubt to you, was a decision made by also taking into consideration that she (Trixie) is hauling around a big cart all day, every day.
In extension of this thought, I do have to agree with Princess of Edits on the conflict of the Ursa Major performance. Even though it has definitely been some years since the fateful event which destroyed Trixie's reputation, it is still a shameful one that I doubt even some pony as arrogant and egocentric as she would even dare to bring up again. There are many other ways you could get Trixie shamed and booed out of a town that, given the variety of ideas present throughout the story, I am sure you will have no problem imagining up.
Last thing I want to mention before I stop grilling you. Though this story has a lot of great high points, it also suffers from some rather disappointing low plateaus as well. A lot of parts seem to be added in just for filler and length, which I mentioned in my forum post to you is a big No-No. For example, the scene with Fluttershy and Tormod walking to the Library. Fluttershy is completely inconsequential to that whole scene. In fact, I remembered that she was there, but had wondered what had happened to her when the dialogue kept going between only Twilight and Tormod. I kept looking back to see if I had missed something stating that she had left, but to no avail. I was answered by the last line where Fluttershy kind of snuck away, and I felt somewhat disappointed. Don't put a character front and center (you did this by having her state her motive to give Twilight fruit, which gave her some semblance of purpose to the scene) just to shove them into the background not even 200 words later. It just looks like you were trying to create something to fill empty space that you had no other ideas on how to use.
Aside from these major points, I am thoroughly enjoying this story so far. Like I stated before, it is well-written, and am highly anticipating reading the last two chapters you have out so far, and the future ones to come.
If I were to give this story a rating at it's current stage, I would give it a strong 7.5.
It was an honor to read and review this story, and I am itching to continue on the already wild ride through regret, consolation, and redemption.
P.S. Not gonna lie, I was holding out until Wanderer said that Chewie had waited for him, to see his face one last time before he passed away. At that point, I would by lying if I said I didn't want to pop you one right in the kisser. You can't give me feels like that man!
Left a like and comment just to help your numbers. I've have hundreds if stories in my backlog so I doubt I will get around to checking this out. But good luck.
6552792 Thank you anyway! Hope you can get through your back log and get a chance to check the story out, but I can understand having a large backlog of stories on a library that just keeps growing...
Cheers!
Oh, Wanderer. You need to try harder than that to make a girl angry at you laugh.
And is it wrong that this was the first thing that came to mind about the deer not letting themselves get attached to family?
7107677 No, not wrong at all. I certainly won't lie and say it didn't have some sort of creative inspiration behind it...
Gorgon huh? Telepathic Gorgon at that. Cool.
And one job, Trixie. One job. Can't trust her to do anything, can you?
7255633 The Great and Powerful Trixie is going through a Great and Powerful slump...
I went with a Gorgon for this story's antagonist because it fits with the mythos of the setting. We have chimera, dragons, griffons, and manticore canon wise, a Gorgon (I don't think) is too much of a step really.
-- CommenceComments
Woo!
Finally a story that I actually like! (And it has worse/fewer ratings than most others 
) Where I don't have to talk about grammar.
Have an upvote.
Well, and I'll talk a bit about grammar anyways. You do double whitespaces after the end of sentences. Why's that? If it's because you want to increase readability, then you have my respect for putting in the effort. Although I did find two instances where you used triple: “Ponyville…” she uttered. [] The town where and He has his use. [] Bring him and his stallions with you. (This is of course the most minor comment ever.) Oh and the wrong parenthesis at ”B-But, but and shock. ”
It's too early for me to say much about stuff like plot construction, but so far it all looks solid and well put-together. The same goes for Trixie's character, so far I'm totally sold that it's really her.
I wonder, if I want to get into this, wouldn't it be better to start from the beginning? It seems to be a pretty huge project-- any reason you submitted this one and not the first?
7409175 First, I want to thank you for the comment and kind words, it is greatly appreciated.
Second, the double spacing between sentences is a carry over from when I learned to type. I know that many claim it to be an old hold over from the days of type writing and for editors to use, but, out of habit, I still use it. As I've come to understand it, it's just a matter of style and not really considered 'wrong', just unnecessary in today's digital age.
Finally, if you want to get into my series (which I sincerely hope you do), might I suggest with Harmony Undone: The Rise of Order. It was the story that started it all. Three from the Forest was a prequel I wrote after Rise because I feel in love with the OCs that played a minor support role. TftF is their beginning and tie into the main series.
I will put the disclaimer out that my story telling skills have improved remarkably from when Rise was published as to compared to Consequence.
And the reason I put Consequence in first over the other two was because I wanted to draw more attention to it as I would like to see it grow a bit more.
Again, thanks for the comment from Commence Comments. It's appreciated and I will likely put in the other two stories in the near future.
Cheers, my friend!
Thanks a ton for the upvote.
I'm kind of torn on the first chapter. I enjoyed Trixie's perspective a lot (given both your avatar and your stories, I can figure out why). I tend to not love Trixie being ridiculed type stuff, mostly because I feel it's overdone, but it wasn't horribly annoying. I did like that not everyone was straight up discriminating towards her, and that the officials had legitimate reasons for treating her the way they did, as opposed to everyone being a jerk to her for that one story, which, while bad, probably would have faded in time, especially given Equestria's tendency to redeem even the kitchen sink.
My biggest issue is, probably, the whole deal with the voice at the end. I kind of was laughing by the end of that scene, mostly because they went full evil drone/loving zombie type deal. It felt so utterly ridiculous, in my opinion, because it was incredibly over the top. It felt kind of like Sombra if you cranked him up to eleven. The whole plague, the over-the-top-archaic way of speaking, it was really overdramatic, if you ask me.
Well... she did want a fresh audience for her show.
7640268 I really need to learn to respond to these things faster. >.<
I'm glad you like Trixie, as I'm sure is obvious by now, she's my favorite of the show. The season six finale only helped seal that deal. And while Equestria has been known to forgive even the kitchen sink, as you hilariously put it, they have been shown to not always be so quick to forgive. Take No Second Prances as example, featuring Trixie no less. The crowd as she was setting up, and Twilight's own unease is proof that sometimes forgiveness is slow to come. Even in Equestria.
As for my villain, not all is as it appears on the surface between these two. Harbinger and his mysterious benefactor(?) have their own dynamic as the story progresses. What is behind that door is something that is very angry as has had a lot of time to dwell on that anger. There is a lot more depth for these two in the chapters ahead.
7648860 And the deer are about as fresh as she could hope for. Even if their feelings towards ponies isn't the kindest out there. Let's see what the Great and Powerful Trixie has up her non-existent sleeve.
If I can get the update out in a timely manner.
Now that the warm fuzzy part's over, let's get back to ritualistic dismemberments.
Wait... it's not Tuesday, is it?
References aside, nice to see those two resolve things. That was a touching moment, and some interesting headcanon with the pegasi.
7912904 Writing out Tourmaline and Wanderer's make
outup scene has been my favorite so far. Seeing them grow is so enjoyable. Glad you like it, Minds.As for the pegasi head canon, it's something I've had floating around in my head for a while now and I'm glad I finally got it out there. The main basis for it is that pegasi do share traits with avain creatures, and as many of them follow the 'mate for life' instinct, it occurred to me the pegasi might as well.
Thankfully, Wanderer asked many of the questions that came to mind concerning it.
A wild review has appeared on Route Blunt Review. Encounter?
Huzzah! The Great and Powerful Trixie has finally proven herself to be the Greatest and most Powerful of all!
After her friends tank-and-spank the boss and all the adds for her!
And after two other magic users channel the spell with her!
...And when the enemy she's facing can't exactly touch her to begin with!
...and when said enemy tries to defeat her via bloviation.
But still! Trixie took out that one last hit point!
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It was a team effort! :P
Still, Trixie took that one last hit point and ran away with the win! An opportunist if there ever was one.
Damn, Equestria can't take a break, can it?